Broken Self Promises

 Self Promises are those things I set out, each day  
To do for Christina, 
for my Own Health

Relaxation

Enjoyment

 These Self promises start out at the top/middle of my daily list, 
But more often than not, get pushed to the bottom as "life happens"   

For example, I am a person who LOVES solitude... 

I Do

It is where I seem to thrive

This is the space where I
 Think
 Write
 Create 
Plan

A place where I can be free and imagine

Don't get me wrong, 

I Like people

I do!

 Being social as well.... 

I could just go out a few days a week, though, and be totally content....

When asked out for coffee, 

Or to events, 

Or asked to help with things.. 

Volunteer my time.. 

(Which could easily be every day of the week.. there never seems to be a shortage of things to be involved in...) 

I find myself feeling guilty for having no excuse other than..

 "I just want to stay home and get some of my stuff done"   

Paint a picture

Organize my closet 
Bake
Wash my hair.......

Nothing or everything

Whatever!

I feel Obligated

Especially because I don't work outside the home, 

Or have children..... 

Which means I am "Available" 

 I feel as if
 in my own mind

It's not okay to be me.. 

That my time and desires

 Are less important

Or somehow unimportant  

I feel I "should" be a more connected friend, 

Better daughter 

Granddaughter

Sister 

Good person

Keep in contact more 

This person needs to talk or a friend right now

I should make dinner's for this new mom.... etc.." 

All are things I would Love to do
But
I my mind... I think I am never doing enough for everyone
Thats when the obligation feeling comes in and
 Seems to suck all the "want to" out

I usually end up 

Over committing, 

Feeling exhausted, 

Stressed 

And just Done 

by the time Trevor gets home....  

 Never getting to the personal things that I LOVE 
That fill me
And I want to accomplish
In my life 

Alot of the time end up secretly resenting the time I spend out helping others...

I often find myself stopping and picking up chocolate or a sweets on the way home.. just to treat  myself for a day "Well Served"

I find it so hard to Trust that the things I want to do with my time and life are

 Okay

 Important

Allowed

Not selfish

My promises not kept to myself, look like

Driving by, but wishing I was quietly walking by the pond

 A stack of recipes I'd like to try, but haven't yet

An un- attended to book I've started writing
 Dozens of unfinished blog posts,

Closing the door on chaotic closets,

 Material beside a sleeping sewing machine,

 Clean paint brushes,

 Dust collecting, creative ideas, just sitting on the shelf of my heart.... 

My broken self promises, look like

My own dreams deferred by the "immediacy" of what I believe I Need to be for others

God, I so need Your help with this
In a really practical way
 Psalm 139, says that "You are familiar with all my ways"  
This realization that I am having about my life, is no shock to You
  You know well, my inner struggle
Father, if I'm created in Your image, then I am created Good 
Fearfully and Wonderfully, You said


Help me to Trust that it is okay to be me
Whatever that looks like in the moment, or day, or weeks, months, lifetimes
Help me to know, so deep inside of my heart
That You made me Beautiful and Beloved

Help me to receive Your Heart for me


The thought came to me, the other day 
Like a light bulb moment

I had always assumed that God growing and maturing me, would be evident in my capacity to Carry people
Their needs, cares
Although that thought seemed like an honour
It also came with somewhat of a heaviness and weight 

The Lights came on
When I realized that God growing and maturing me, would be most evident in my ability to Release the burden of people into His hands
To grab hold of the dreams He has placed in my heart
And begin to allow those dreams to lift me
Cause me to soar!

This new thought
 Comes with a whole lot of lightness 

Makes me feel Free!

Pretty

I have no other words