Perfect Love Is Here. I Can Feel Him As I Write

Perfect Love casts out all fear

 For fear has to do with punishment

 The one who fears is not made Perfect in Love

Fear torments me
I'm not kidding
Fear steals my rest
My sleep
My Peace

I realize that there are reasons why I fear
There are past hurts and traumas in my life
That have given the enemy hooks
Weaknesses that he preys upon
And torments me with in my 31 year old life today

I am going through a process today
To take the word of God like a Balm
Apply it to this unslept, chaotic fearful heart of mine

Maybe you need to go through this process too?
Maybe the ways fear torments you is different than me?
Maybe its not

If anyone
Anyone
Needs the ointment of 
Perfect Love, right now
It's me
And maybe you.....?



Perfect Love is here
I can feel Him as I write

Perfect Love 

Is

The quietness in the morning

My still pond oasis hidden amidst busy car engine streets
And cookie cutter houses

I can trust Perfect Love to be there when I wake up
I will never be left to face a day alone.........
Ever 

Perfect Love stays with me through today's ups and downs 

 The busyness

The unexpected

At night, when all the things I did wrong

 Or not quite good enough

All the ways I didn't measure up 

Are attaching to my mind like a vice grip

Perfect love is there, and sees the good

The very best in me

Familiar words of failure whisper my lack
As a wife, a friend, a daughter, a woman, a Christian, a role model
Perfect Love whispers back
"Oh, but you are Loved child, and you belong to me" 
"From head to toe, you are covered in My Grace"

 Perfect Love looks for the good that is in my heart

Perfect Love doesn't leave me to fend for myself

  To figure out life alone

  Perfect Love likes to teach me everything it knows

 Perfect Love lets me crack the eggs and stir

Even if I keep dropping shells in and leave lumps... 

Perfect Love sees a baker in me

Perfect Love listens when I talk about my day
Like really listens

 When I open my heart to Perfect Love, it sees it as precious
A flower

 My heart is secure in the gentle hands of Perfect Love

Perfect Love sees me

 He knows the little things (It's always the little things with me) that make my heart swell

 He loves to make me smile

Perfect Love doesn't want anything from me, but my smile and delight

Perfect Love thinks I'm beautiful

When I'm quiet

 When I dream

 When the ideas come and pile on top of me till I can't move

And I'm stuck

Perfect Love believes in me

Perfect Love tells me I can, against all odds

When I say "I don't know how.  I can't.  I'm scared.  What if I fail?  What if You leave me, and I have to figure it out alone?"

Perfect Love reminds me that there is a greater one on the inside of me

Who possesses the qualities that I don't

Who has the answers that I need, the strength, the perseverance

Perfect Love gives

 It's His Joy to give to me
 Fill me

 Perfect Love does not run out of steam or burn out

Or have His own problems to tend to

  Perfect Love is my constant supply

I can lean on Perfect Love

  He doesn't change from day to day

 My mood never causes Him to change, or back away

Or take His Love back a little

Perfect Love is stable, and steady

 I can put some weight on Him

Perfect love doesn't look like anything I have seen before

  I can't compare it

I can only imagine it

Perfect love is not weather permitting, or based on my goodness

Perfect Love always welcomes me

 Perfect Love has no shortage of hugs, and sweet kisses

  Perfect Love doesn't wonder why I am crying... again

  Perfect Love isn't disappointed, or wish I was doing more

Perfect Love is pleased with me

Perfect Love is okay if I stay in His arms all day 

Perfect Love is okay if I get distracted and forget about those arms.... 

They will be there when I need them again

Perfect Love sees this day ahead of me
This one I am a little scared I cannot handle

My prayer is that Perfect Love
Will seep into the deepest places of my heart today

Oh what it would look like for us to fully receive
Fully soak up everything that Perfect Love offers us
Be transformed into everything that Perfect Love has made us

We might actually be so light
 We could fly

Just Pick A Word From The Long List Of Shalom

I've heard the word Shalom lately, in a few different places...  I knew it meant Peace (In Hebrew) but my eyes have been recently opened to it's meaning at such a larger level, and I find myself drawn to the word and curiously thinking about it.

According to Strong's Concordance
 Shalom (actually) means...........

Completeness

 Wholeness

Health

Peace

 Welfare

 Safety

 Soundness

 Tranquillity

 Prosperity

 Perfectness

 Fullness

 Rest

 Harmony

 The Absence of Agitation or Discord

By our BC Home

Jesus Said:  

 "Peace (Shalom) I (Jesus) leave with you; 

My own Peace (Shalom)

 I now give  to you

Not as the world gives do I give to you

 Do not let your hearts be troubled

 Neither let them be afraid"

 [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]

Trevor enjoying an ocean view.. Life in BC

Jesus leaves His own Shalom with us

Today, just pick a word from the long list that His Shalom offers us

What is it that you are needing today?

On the ferry to Naniamo

I could use some Rest and Peace today

Deep deep down 

Where fingers can't go, where chocolate can't reach

In the deep turmoil of my heart that I can't seem to calm in my own efforts

I need His Shalom today

So I don't run all over the place, from distraction to distraction

Trying to make myself forget the storm inside

Glenmore Reservoir with friends

Be still, Christina, and know that I am God

Lovely painting by my friend Jeanette

XOXOXO

Hate Is Being Replaced

I came across this post that I wrote more than a year ago... 

I cannot believe how far God has brought me 

How much freedom he has walked me into from the eating disorder

It actually felt weird reading my words

Sensing the power of the control I was under

Although I am still on a healing journey 

I am utterly encouraged that God is going to continue walking with me

Leading me into light

It gives me hope that my life will look even more different next year

I want to even challenge you today to not be so hard on yourself

Wherever you are in your own healing journey

I don't know if we will ever arrive at health as a destination

Maybe health will be more like a vehicle

Which helps us get to our destinations, enjoy our lives more fully

I'm quite certain that no matter where your path has led you 

Where you think you are

Or assume you should be

Maybe take a second

Remember where God has brought you from

I know I didn't realize it myself 

Until I read my own words written a year ago

That doesn't quite sound like me anymore

Hate is being replaced

That is a miracle!

Perfect

Dear God,

I really need you to open my eyes

  I feel so blinded

  I know that there are things that I am missing, seeing dimly

But I don’t know another way to see

 Give me your eyes

There are things that actually seem impossible to me.

Like standing naked in front of a mirror and truthfully, wholly loving my body.

I don’t think there is a morning that goes by, in the first minutes lying in bed, that I don’t feel and measure the squish of my stomach, as if the bigger the handful I can grab will determine how acceptable I am today.

I allow my hands to run over my arms, which used to fit inside my closed grasp, but now just feels too big and completely wrong.

I’m am instantly aware of my thighs that fit tight together, as there is no space that separates them anymore.

You know this, Father. 

You know my thoughts, even when they are far away from You

I am not hidden from Your sight, as I make my way to the bathroom, You watch as my eyes naturally fall to my stomach, measuring meticulously how far it sticks out today which is a direct result of my yesterday's success or failure.  Missing the ribs I used to see that would always give me a stable…. You are still somewhat acceptable, Christina.

I look at my legs in the mirror, like I’m looking at something so horrific that I want to look away from, but my eyes are glued. I can’t seem to tear them away, wonder how something could have become so awful.

Fail

Before I even start my day, usually

Not good enough, and Completely Unacceptable!

I don’t have to memorize those negative words, or write them on my bathroom mirror… even remember to engage in this cruel routine, and fast track dialogue of criticism. It is something I do well, and with ease. 

Almost like second nature

I just heard a speaker say that failure is succeeding in the things that don’t matter.

In my case, of all the things I desire to be successful at, hating myself is not one… but yet I find myself at the top of the class on the Honor roll.

We were challenged to write a Love Letter to our bodies in woman’s group.  I have been putting this off… even now I find it hard to write the words to my body specifically.  I feel immense guilt, and responsibility for the way I have treated it, the things I have put into it, and failed to feed it.  My mind instantly goes to the thoughts of hopelessness… 

like things may never change…..

I’m digging deep, though, because I believe there is MORE… I believe God is in me.. and I am His…… and I realize that there is a truth that I am not quite grasping.

 A freedom that I am not yet awakened to

Father,

I trust You, and I am willing to see things a different way. I am willing to see me through Your eyes…. I can’t promise You that I will change.. I’ve already tried and failed (too many times to count).  The thought of thinking differently about myself, and my body seems overwhelming and strange.  There is also a lot of fear attached to a different way of thinking. If I accept my body, love my body, will I just resign from my boot camp improvement regiment, and will I remain the same?

In spite of all my fears, I am willing to try things Your way.

One thing I know about You, is that You ARE Love… and all You do is in the way of Love.

I’m going to need Your help because I have fallen far from the tree in the Love department.

I am willing to give You my old words… one at a time.  I’m willing to hand them over for good, let go… even wait empty handed until You put some new ones in my hand.

Father, I’m not just asking You for a “I can live with that” kind of change.  I am asking You to do a deep transforming work in my heart.  I am asking You to replace, renew, restore the way I see and treat myself.

I’m done fighting with perfection.  I’m done striving to form myself, my body in to acceptable.

I need You.  I can’t do this alone.  In fact, I am really scared to trust You with my body, and health… even though, in my own hands, I have made a HUGE mess.

Increase my faith

I’m choosing to Trust You

I’m opening my hands to You right now… and I release these words that seem to have become a part of me… words that I will feel naked without…. You can have them

Failure

Fat

Gross

Not Good enough

Unacceptable

Disgusting

Ugly

Father, each one belongs to You, now.

Please show me when they are floating in my head…. I may not even be aware. Most of them rarely make it out of my mouth, but continually run their track in my thoughts…. Help me to replace them with Your thoughts.

I have some new ideas for words that are coming to my mind, but I am afraid to write them down because I don’t believe them yet.

I want this change. I want the thoughts I think to be genuine, and true for me.

I don’t feel like I can hold a lot of new words yet… so I’m going to grab onto one phrase that comes to mind.

Perfectly Made

I will co-operate with You, God, as You write this, deep in my heart.

I see a picture in my head right now.   I'm holding my new born baby girl in my arms.  Pouring over her tiny, soft, fragile body. Perfect.  Running my hand over her sparse head of hair…. There is not much there, but it’s Perfect.  Her eyes, not even fully opened, colourless to me right now, but I can already tell, they are Perfect.  I haven’t gotten to know this daughter of mine yet.  I don’t know if she’s introverted, extroverted.  I don’t know if she will sleep well, not at all.  I wonder if she will be like me, or Trevor more.  I don’t know if we will always get along, If she will look up to me, if we will have similar interests.  Not sure if she will like pink, or green best.

There is one Truth, and I feel as if I’m holding her right now, holding her in the midst of all the question marks, and I am absolutely sure that whoever this sweet girl grows up to be, she is a treasure to me.

 She is Perfect.

She fills my heart with precious Joy

I’m not sure why this picture came to my head.  I’m not sure why it provoked so many tears to flood down my face.

Write a new Story on my heart, Father

Your story

Your words

Your Heart

I am Perfectly Made, and I belong to You

XOXOXO

Broken Self Promises

 Self Promises are those things I set out, each day  
To do for Christina, 
for my Own Health

Relaxation

Enjoyment

 These Self promises start out at the top/middle of my daily list, 
But more often than not, get pushed to the bottom as "life happens"   

For example, I am a person who LOVES solitude... 

I Do

It is where I seem to thrive

This is the space where I
 Think
 Write
 Create 
Plan

A place where I can be free and imagine

Don't get me wrong, 

I Like people

I do!

 Being social as well.... 

I could just go out a few days a week, though, and be totally content....

When asked out for coffee, 

Or to events, 

Or asked to help with things.. 

Volunteer my time.. 

(Which could easily be every day of the week.. there never seems to be a shortage of things to be involved in...) 

I find myself feeling guilty for having no excuse other than..

 "I just want to stay home and get some of my stuff done"   

Paint a picture

Organize my closet 
Bake
Wash my hair.......

Nothing or everything

Whatever!

I feel Obligated

Especially because I don't work outside the home, 

Or have children..... 

Which means I am "Available" 

 I feel as if
 in my own mind

It's not okay to be me.. 

That my time and desires

 Are less important

Or somehow unimportant  

I feel I "should" be a more connected friend, 

Better daughter 

Granddaughter

Sister 

Good person

Keep in contact more 

This person needs to talk or a friend right now

I should make dinner's for this new mom.... etc.." 

All are things I would Love to do
But
I my mind... I think I am never doing enough for everyone
Thats when the obligation feeling comes in and
 Seems to suck all the "want to" out

I usually end up 

Over committing, 

Feeling exhausted, 

Stressed 

And just Done 

by the time Trevor gets home....  

 Never getting to the personal things that I LOVE 
That fill me
And I want to accomplish
In my life 

Alot of the time end up secretly resenting the time I spend out helping others...

I often find myself stopping and picking up chocolate or a sweets on the way home.. just to treat  myself for a day "Well Served"

I find it so hard to Trust that the things I want to do with my time and life are

 Okay

 Important

Allowed

Not selfish

My promises not kept to myself, look like

Driving by, but wishing I was quietly walking by the pond

 A stack of recipes I'd like to try, but haven't yet

An un- attended to book I've started writing
 Dozens of unfinished blog posts,

Closing the door on chaotic closets,

 Material beside a sleeping sewing machine,

 Clean paint brushes,

 Dust collecting, creative ideas, just sitting on the shelf of my heart.... 

My broken self promises, look like

My own dreams deferred by the "immediacy" of what I believe I Need to be for others

God, I so need Your help with this
In a really practical way
 Psalm 139, says that "You are familiar with all my ways"  
This realization that I am having about my life, is no shock to You
  You know well, my inner struggle
Father, if I'm created in Your image, then I am created Good 
Fearfully and Wonderfully, You said


Help me to Trust that it is okay to be me
Whatever that looks like in the moment, or day, or weeks, months, lifetimes
Help me to know, so deep inside of my heart
That You made me Beautiful and Beloved

Help me to receive Your Heart for me


The thought came to me, the other day 
Like a light bulb moment

I had always assumed that God growing and maturing me, would be evident in my capacity to Carry people
Their needs, cares
Although that thought seemed like an honour
It also came with somewhat of a heaviness and weight 

The Lights came on
When I realized that God growing and maturing me, would be most evident in my ability to Release the burden of people into His hands
To grab hold of the dreams He has placed in my heart
And begin to allow those dreams to lift me
Cause me to soar!

This new thought
 Comes with a whole lot of lightness 

Makes me feel Free!

Pretty

I have no other words