The Real Christina

Years ago (when you could still find a VHS player kicking around)  I sat down and watched some old home videos.

I was having some good chuckles, and making fun of the 80's style, when a new portion of footage came on the screen.
It felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks as I watched.  It was one of those moments you see that captures all of your attention and brands an impression on your heart.

It was a video of a little girl, no more than 4 years old, and her young brother. Their Grandpa was sitting on the floor throwing a ball to these two excited children.
I gawked at this little brunette beauty on the TV screen completely enchanted with her.
I found my eyes locked on her and mesmerized, as this very, very....Very high Spirited child was jumping, running and absolutely shrieking with joy.  Her laugh was so intoxicating, I couldn't help but laugh with her.  She motored around her Grandpa, squealing with exuberance and nearly exploding with exhilarating excitement.   Grandpa even had to ask her to calm down a little cuz she was throwing the ball too hard at him, and getting out of control!!

Had this been an actual Hollywood movie I was watching, I would have leaned over to my sister and said (like I always do in movies with children)  "I want to take that little girl home with me.  She is such a delight!"

The truth is, this wasn't some fictitious act in a glamorised flick, and it wasn't some strange little girl I was captivated by that day on the couch, shockingly enough....

That little girl was me!

I felt like one of those people who get in accidents, get amnesia and lose every memory of themselves, their life.  They lose every sense of who they are and have to relearn..
Watching this child was the craziest feeling because she looked like me, and it was my Grandpa and brother she was playing with, but that life and charisma she exuded, made her seem like someone I was seeing for the first time.
There seems to be such a tangible disconnect between that enchanting free Spirited little girl on the TV, and the baffled awestruck 30 year old (going on 40) Christina on the couch.

It would seem as though Christina isn't quite the free Spirited young girl she once was..... She is very serious these days.  So So serious!  She who tends to care, worry and fret more.  The planner,  figure-outer, make a list, must get everything done, Christina.    More than run and skip, she walks more, now, is calmer, uses her indoor voice, and laughs at more appropriately funny things...


I want to take that sweet little girl, let her run loose in my house.  I want to buy a ball and play with her and listen to her shrieks of Joy.  I want to sit back and observe her freeness.  Let her laugh echo off my walls.  I want to drink in  her innocence.

She is Beautiful.  

Absolutely Stunning to me.

I want her to teach me to play.  To be silly.  To get lost in delight again.  It's the way this child had no other outlet to the raging excitement inside other than shrieks of pure electricity, it was utterly addicting, and makes my heart ache for her simple freedom.

Could that possibly be the Real Christina.

The Real Christina

Passionate, electric, energetic,  intoxicating Joy and exuberance for life, and fun, and play.  The Real Christina, caring, protective, affectionate, loving, soft.

I have a recent regret, and I'm not sure why this keeps popping up in my head as I write this post, because it seems irrelevant to me, but......  A few weeks ago, I was in BC for a Woman's Conference.
On the Sunday, after church, a few of us girls went down to the ocean.
We were laying in the sun, over looking the water.  Kali, jumps up and says "I want to go in the ocean!" 

My very first inner reaction was "Me too!  I do too!!"
Quickly followed by, "You are in a dress.  We are going out for dinner later, and you will look gross.  Your makeup will wash off......etc"

So I said "You guys go, I'll take pictures and document it."

So, I watched as Kali, so freely walked deeper and deeper into the water and dove in fully clothed!  

In that moment, I was struck by her beauty

By her willingness to live and play

I regret not going in.  I wish I would have jumped in and laughed with her.  I wish I would have screamed in the freezing water and squealed at the thought of fish and other creatures in there.... (Sharks... OMG.. Sharks!!)

Man, being put together all the time is so over rated!!!!

I wish I would have lived the moment and not watched it

I wish I had of gone to Australia to play with my husband for 3 months.  I wish I would have explored the unseen, watched him delight in the adventure.. Heck, I wish I could have delighted in the newness and adventure also.... together! I was  terrified because it seemed so irresponsible.... I had a million excuses at the time.  Now they all seem trivial to the missed opportunity. I wish I had a do-over because we don't play enough in our lives right now. The weight and seriousness of life (on us both) is .... well.... tiresome!
 I don't let myself get so excitedly crazy-passionate that I throw the ball too hard anymore....

I want to!

I want to be the one that gets told that she must take her excitement down a notch, that she has to be a little less passionate about fun.  I don't want to be the one who passes by the ball in fear of doing something wrong.

I learned to fear.  Somewhere in life, I learned to carry the weight of the world.

That's not who I am, though

I think I want to spend some more time with this little girl, who makes my heart float with airlessness.


Father, thank You for letting me see this video.. Ha, I guess, I should thank You for letting me see what You see... Even now, as I sit on the sidelines in so many areas of my life, documenting, watching, in fear and apprehension.  Father, would you help me to recognize the moments that I can pulse with life and joy.  God, I've missed out on so much, please help me to really live.  Please help the Real Christina to stand up,  or run around, or shriek with electricity, or put her arm around a little one, even get in trouble for being out of control!  Let my heart float again!  Dad, even now, the tears well in my eyes.  You know how deep this cry in my heart is.  You know how I ache to be free from the weight and burden of life.  Dad, take me to wide open spaces.  Take me to the ocean.  Let my feet touch the sand of other places.  Let me get wet and dirty.  Let me play with Trevor, and squeal, and dance.  

Let me be the Breath-taking Beauty who comes alive in the moment, walks deeper and deeper into the water and dives in... 

fully clothed!

I'm so thankful that both the ocean and Australia aren't going anywhere, anytime soon!

XOXOXO