Job..... What an awful word!!

So, its time to get a job.  Its been 3 months since I graduated from Mercy...... 3 months!  It feels like decades ago.

Getting a job is not just "getting a job" to me.  To be honest, I've been avoiding it.  In my mind, getting a job means, busyness, go go go, no time for myself, pouring out, getting drained, keeping a smile on, getting overwhelmed by life, getting stressed, sick, losing weight to cope..... and so on.... I guess it's safe to say that there is a lot of fear attached to this decision.

There is also the HUGE questions.....
What do I want to do??  What am I good at??

Do you ever feel like your passions, and interests pull you in many different directions?..... How do I choose one that I want to pursue?  Also, I'm almost 30... it seems a little late to be making decisions about pursuing passions that I should have been thinking about when I was 18.

We had a Pastor come to Mercy, who was sharing with us about his life.. and how he came into the ministry.  He said when he was a teenage boy, he didn't know what to pursue in life... what his purpose was (sounds familiar ?)  So his mother sat down with him and asked him to make a list of all the things he was good at.
His list went:
1.  Hanging out with friends.
* His mother, trying not to show her worry, "Okay, lets keep going... what else are you good at?"
2.  I like to eat junk food.
*Mother - wanting her son to dig deep..... believing that there had to be something that her son was good at... Hoping! "...... Okay, son...... I'm sure you are great at eating junk food..... Is there anything else that you are good at?"
3.  I can kinda play the drums.. but I'm not very good.
* Mother prays silently..... "Oh God, what do we do with this list??"..... "Okay, Son.... Let's Give this List to God, and see what He does with it"

So they prayed....... 

Years later, as the Pastor told us, He got the opportunity to become a youth leader.  What were his main tasks in that role..??

1. Hanging out with kids!
2. Eating junk food!
3.  Playing the drums for their youth band!

That story has stuck with me.. and it popped up in my head right now as I'm writing, thinking about what in the heck I am supposed to do with my life.....
It reminds me that all God needs is a willing heart... and He will use anything!

So, I'm gonna make a list... I've never done this before.. I'm kinda nervous.... (I feel like my list is going to be super random... and maybe a little frustrating for me to see on paper.... oh well, here goes.... )

Christina's Talents: (kinda ?)

1.  I like to collage and put scriptures in some form of art so that it stands out to me, it makes the scripture come alive to me somehow.  Helps me to visualize myself in the scripture....

A piece I made for a friend

2.  I like to cook.... for Trevor anyway... I like to make new healthy colorful meals.  We take pictures of our plates..... Trev, also likes to take pictures of different burgers or weird meals he tries.  We have a computer file full of pictures of our dinner's .... haha... sooo lame!

                                                                  Trev's Creation!

 Breakfast last Saturday.

3.  I like to... and I think I'm good at documenting our life..... I take pictures of everything! (see point number 2!) and I like to share it with people..... usually its little stuff that no one else really seems care about in the same way that I do :)

Date Night a Few weeks ago!

Trev Volunteered to clean up after dinner while I had a bath.

I found this container of pasta sauce in the tupperware cupboard the next morning. Made me laugh!

A flower  I saw on my run one morning.... Beauty growing in a hard place!

Daisy's from a friends back yard...... Love note!

4.  When I discover something new... like a new band, recipe, store, healthy alternative, podcast, book, movie, anything funny etc... that I Love... I Need to tell everyone... like I can't hold it in.... Usually though, it's things that everyone knew about like 2 years ago.. I'm just discovering it!  I  get really really passionate about things.... I think if I was cooler... I would want to do a "Christina's Favorite Things Give -Away" like Oprah's..... I'm actually getting giddy just thinking about it!

Funny because.... This is me... I'm terrified of Birds!.... texted it to everyone!

Love Love Love Burt's Bees.... My skin has never been more healthy!

So Talented!!

5.  I listen to people.  Challenge myself, to hear what they are "Really" saying behind the words that the are speaking.

6.  I like to watch people (especially young women).... learn things, notice the things they are good at, passions I see in them, things that make them unique or special..... then I like to make them things... or encourage them in those areas.

My beautiful little sister Gabby, Loves fashion and hair, and art... She's super smart... Gonna do something creatively Great!

My other precious sister, Billie.  Loves animals.. especially horses.  Quiet, soft, very influential in everything she does.... Going to impact and touch many!

7.  I love music.... Like LOVE!.... Can't play any instruments (really really wish I did)  Would like to learn, Guitar, Drums, bongo's.  I can sing....... Not great though... (Would like to have voice lessons someday.... might make me better...) (I sometimes record myself on my voice memo's on the I phone.... Yikes.. can't believe I just shared that :)  Don't judge!

8.  I love to write.  I sometimes write songs.... they are not very deep or inspiring,  though.... they are more simple songs.... none the less, my heart toward God.... or His heart toward me. Don't ever share them!... Actually I don't even know if they could be considered songs!

9.  I Love to dance.  It's hard to worship, or hear Spirit led music and not move and dance.  I have not had lessons.  I have no technique....... But I have pictures in my head of dances, dance teams, worship arts (painting to worship, which I also love but have had no training in.... and am not very good)
I daydream about dances and dramatic pieces led by the Holy Spirit...... But that is about where it ends... don't even know where to start with that one :)

So powerful!

I can't help but wonder what is happening (things that we can't even understand) as she's allowing her body to be used by Holy Spirit!...... ( I would love to meet her someday.  When I was like 19 I got the application for her school of dance, but never followed through because ballet training was a prerequisite.)

10.  I can sit and talk to old people for a long time...... I love to listen to stories.  I find I can be myself so easily, and share things with them.  I think I am just so hungry to learn, to grow....... so I always ask a ton of questions....

11. I can keep our home in order and organized.  Laundry schedule, food, cleaning, groceries, bills.  And I love doing it!!  I could stay at home and keep myself busy.... I could never ever work a "job" again, outside of the home.. and be perfectly content.. no... happy!

12.  I'm not the greatest wife.... But I long to be!  To learn to be more selfless, and considerate.. to be a better friend and safe place for Trevor. To pray more, use my words to build him up, allow him to be fully himself.... and learn to Love whatever that entails,  to watch him flourish and face fears, and follow his dreams.... Yup... A  hearts desire of mine, for sure!

I've Got a really unique husband... like really...... special.. (not in the "slow" way)..... but in the "God, help me to be the kind of wife this energetic, crazy, passionate man needs!.... Please!"

13. I can pray... but my prayers are pretty self centered.

14.  I like to bake for people.  If you ever get baking from me.... It is me saying with all my heart... I love you!  I bake every week for Trev's lunch, and it makes me so happy and fills me with Joy to make something I think he will love and get excited about.

Apple Crisp Bites.... got a really good deal on Apples... so I made apple everything for awhile!! Trevor Loved them!....... and of course, I took a picture!

15.  I'm good at looking for sales, and getting good deals on stuff.... then.... telling everyone and their dog about it!  haha.

Found my Burts Bees Stuff at Winner's for $16.99.... when the same stuff is at Walmart for $24.99.... say whaaat!

Deal of a Lifetime!  $280.00 worth of shoes, the price I paid..... $26.88.  It was a Shoe Warehouse closing sale.  Every pair of Shoes was 2 for $12.00.... Craziness!

16. I really like fashion.... I hesitate to say Love because  I'm not super trendy.. and I don't superior fashion sense (other than my own ideas)...... but I think about clothes... a lot..... and not very much excites me like fashion....shopping (even if I don't buy anything... or I'm shopping for someone else), looking at fashion blogs, seeing new trends, colors, putting together outfits.. helping someone else put together outfits, accessories, hair styles, braids, (I wish I could sew so that I could make some of the ideas for dance dresses that floating around in my head.) Getting awesome deals on clothes, Thrift shopping, color me beautiful website, makeup.

17. I try to be healthy (not always successful... aka.. diet pop battle, chocolate distraction...... ) But I am Super interested in fitness ( thanks to Megan and Lauren ), natural alternatives, healthy eating (thanks to my dad and Karlie)........ and again..... I tell everyone, everything I learn!

Trev and I just ran 7 Km's last night..... I can hardly believe it!...... again.. something little to most.. but to me (and Trev)..... Big night at the Lewis home!

So..... I think that completes my list.   All of the things on my list, are things I enjoy.. maybe even safe to say passionate about....... All of them, are things that I have no training, education ...... or even extreme talent in.  

I'm looking for a part time job right now... I'm not even sure where to look or what to look into.  The things inside me are so broad and random.  I cannot even imagine how all of these things can fit into some sort of profession...... 

 All I know to do is give this list to God..... and see where He takes me.

Father, its so cool to see what you did with that Pastor Terry's list of things... (talents...?) and how you worked them into something awesome and perfect for him.  Dad, I give you my scattered, random list.....    In my limited, human, insecure mind, I don't know where or what any of this could lead me to..... something that could fulfill me, touch others, and contribute financially to our home?  God, I don't have training...... I'm sub-par at most of these things.... but I really really love em..... I believe you've placed them in my heart.   Sooooo...... I give you this list..... Ahhh.... I give you my heart.  I give you my life.  Can you make something beautiful out of these things? I'm releasing these "talents" into your hands... I trust You.......... Lead me.  Use me.  Give me the courage to walk through the doors You open.  And I definitely know that You will get the Glory for this life, and this girl who was so lost, and so broken.  

You are so good, and I just Love you.  I just Love You, Father.

I forgot one:

18.  Color....... I really Love Color! 

that's all.......

Oh, and Trev reminded me of one more....

19.  Lists!  I'm good at making a list out of anything... really.. anything!

K, that's all.....

XOXO

Christina, is Covered in Grace

I've been reading, studying, listening, thinking alot about Grace lately.

At Mercy, we all created "tags" to go behind our names........ so, for example:  Kathy, is Completely Beautiful.
The purpose was for you to say the "tag" when someone said your name to renew your mind, or speak out the truth to yourself about who you are.
  Some of the girls' picked "is free", "is remembered", "is worthy of Love".

I can't really remember how my "Tag" came about, But I know that God whispered it to me.  I know that this is a revelation that I was born to have.

Christina, is Covered in Grace.

Not just dabbed in it, not sprinkled, not even egg washed in it.

Covered.

I was sitting..... just letting my imagination play a movie in my head....... I was watching this scene... (a silly picture) of me,  dripping from head to toe in this sticky honey-like substance called Grace.  Its so thick that I can't even open my eyes fully.  Every part of me is saturated with this sweetness.   The first thing you notice (in this picture ) is this girl, covered in this sticky stuff. I'm slipping and sliding in goo, laughing uncontrollably because I can't stand up. It's heavy and substantial, but at the same time buoyant, and light.  There are people looking at me strangely saying  "Is there still a girl under that blob?"......  "I think its Christina?"  "Look, she's getting that stuff on everything she touches, and it's dripping in puddles around her feet everywhere she walks!"
"Quick, keep walking, she's coming over here and if she touches us... it'll get all over us!"
"Where did that stuff come from?"

Covered

And all I know, is that it has to come from God because Grace is not anything that Christina could ever possess on her own in a million years!

In fact, it seems like everything about me is bent toward performance, measuring, rules, laws, striving, perfection, improvement............... Actually, an even more simple and accurate way to put it is:

Everything about me is bent toward Me!

Joyce Meyer has a series called "I was always on my mind" (she even sings the You were always on my mind song to go with it... makes me laugh)

Its not even like I try to always think about me.. In, all honesty, it would be true to say that most of my mental energy is spent thinking about what I did wrong, not quite good enough, what I need to work on, where I need help, what I should do, what I'm doing great at.  If I hang out with a friend, I will always spend time after measuring how good of a friend I was.  "I wonder if what I said hurt her?  I wonder if she could have miss understood this?  I wonder if she had fun?  Did I have fun?  She's having a hard time with this _____ ...... what can I do to help?  Or, did I do anything to cause _____ ??" .............. Exhausting!! Utterly Exhausting!!

Covered in Grace

Covered in Jesus.  He is, in essence who Grace is.  He covers me.  
When I fall short, when I do it "right", but fear I can't keep it up or won't do it right next time....... Jesus!

I feel like I am learning so much about this, but its rolling around in my head, and I haven't quite made it mine yet.
Grace seems so foreign to the way that I have always thought... about myself, about God, and about others.

Some statements and Truths that are Consuming my thoughts.

I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.....  When I choose badly, deliberately sin, am prideful, hurt someone, ignore my need for God and try to do things alone........ God sees me as completely and wholly Right before Him.  He sees me like He sees His perfect son Jesus! ................. Wow!!

As Jesus is, So am I in this world......... I am In Christ.  Its not me anymore.  I am fully in Christ.  I died, and its no longer I that live, but Christ who lives in me.

The Law is what I can do (demand on me).  Grace is who God is and What He can do (supply from Him) ........... I will Always always fall short when trying to do things right and good enough.  I was not created to.  I was created to live in God.  I was created to be a recipient of His Goodness and Love.  A vessel of His Goodness and Love.
 Its not about me!  It's not about me!  It's not about me!  Its not about me!!!!   
It's about.... It's ALWAYS been about How Good God is!!


Covered In His Grace 

Galatians 2:20(MSG)..... (My own thoughts interjected)

 What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God,(Oh how I've tried!!) and it didn't work. (I only felt condemned and never good enough, frustrated, hopeless and exhausted) So I quit being a "law woman" so that I could be God's woman. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him.(Grace,pure Love, the GIFT of Jesus dying on the cross and making me the righteousness of God!!) Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central.(It's not about Me anymore.  What I can (which isn't much) or cannot do) It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God.(Huge weight off.... He Loves me!  He just Loves me!  He's sees me like He sees Jesus!!!) Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.

   Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.

How can I not fall so madly in Love with such a Good God? 
How could I have not seen this before!  How could my view of God have been so clouded?

He is just Good.  He is so Loving! Everything about Him is good and generous.  Jesus took my sin.  He Covered me with Himself.

I want to know more!  I want my eyes to be opened even more!  

I am so Hungry to know God more, to know His heart, His Love.  I'm so ardent to understand what He did on the cross, His Grace, His ways that are so very different than anything I've ever known.

I'm so thirsty to finally receive His Love and Goodness.... instead of trying to earn it.

I have so much to learn!  I feel like my eyes have been opened to something so vast, so enormous and mammoth, its overwhelming!

Covered in Grace

Unrecognizably covered!

xoxo

cov·er

  

Love Notes

I woke up yesterday morning to a note from Trevor on the kitchen counter. A sticky from him is not out of the ordinary, but I was so surprised and touched when I read it because he had gotten very little sleep the night before (and mornings are not his happiest times on normal days), his usual lovingly made lunch was nonexistent this morning, which left him rushing to put something together himself.  In all his lateness and hurry, though,  he took the time to tell me how much he loved me and was excited to come home to me!..............  Love Note.

Went for a jog,  I was on my way home when, on the other side of the road,  I saw a pile of junk (to take for free) outside one of the mansions on my route. I was just gonna keep going by.... (like Trevor would want me to)....... I just couldn't resist getting a closer look (My dad would be proud).  There were some old chairs, and tables, and a basket....... what was in the basket you ask?......... Jewlery.  Not just a little bit either, lots and lots of costume jewlery, most still with the tags on!!
I rummaged through and picked out an huge handful............... Love Note

Also, I was visiting my mother in law on the weekend, and she gave me some of her old jewlery (which she made most of).......... Love Note

Sooo, these are my two day findings..... Price tag $0.00

Sweet!

I had to walk the rest of the way home cuz I was so loaded up with my finds.  I think I was grinning ear to ear, and must have looked so silly, but I didn't care.  It was such a love note from God.
I also stopped and picked these flowers (weeds?) in the ditch.

I love to look at fresh flowers on my table while I eat breakfast....... Love Note

That was yesterday.........

Today,

I went for a walk/jog in Campbell Valley Park, which is becoming one of my favorite places here.
It was another morning of unexpected love notes from God............

I had just parked, getting my I pod ready, shoes tied, when my friend Karlie texted me this picture...

Man, she had no idea just how much I needed to see this picture and read those truths this morning.  This weekend, I weighed myself.... for the first time since Mercy.  I wish I hadn't (of course) now, because I have gained a few pounds.... 5 to be exact.  I have been trying to not dwell on it, trying to tell myself that I'm beautiful, healthy and strong, full of life and energy, trying to not let the number I saw influence my current choices (as far as diet and activity).  Although I'm trying, I'm not gonna lie, I feel the nagging fears of this becoming a pattern, and the heaviness of feeling like a failure.  I feel the weight, knowing that the 5 pounds has a lot to do with some careless food/sugary, creamy beverage selections in the past couple of weeks..... and the lack of exercise, as I have been so tired from sleepless nights that I have hardly done anything.....

This picture was a reminder to my heart this morning, that the number on the scale.. is just a number.  Christina, its just a stupid number! Its not who you are.  In the same breath, the choices you made in the past few weeks that don't mesh with the healthy lifestyle that you desire......... Christina, it's okay.  It's does not determine your future. You have the power to learn and choose differently. You are not a failure.  You are learning what works for you and what doesn't, and you are stretching these legs of freedom......... and I think God likes that.  In fact, I think it's beautiful to Him.
............ Love Note


I was like the only one in the park for awhile and it was stunning!  I had my Ipod in, but quickly decided to take it out so I could hear... the sounds of nature ... lol... sounds cheesy... but it was way better music this morning!

Here are some pictures I took.

........... Love Notes

This little guy followed me... forever... it was really cute.  After awhile, though, I started getting sketchy.  Remember in Jurassic Park 2, when that little girl was feeding those cute innocent little dinosaur things.. and everyone was thinking "aww.. isn't that nice" then they started attacking, and eventually devoured her. I couldn't get that out of my head and had to keep looking back to make sure he wasn't  going to come charging, attach to the back of my leg, and eat me alive!

The best part was finding wild Raspberries!  They are in our fridge now.  I'm saving them to try with Trevor.

............ Love Note

So there you have it.  

I'm so very thankful for moments and treasures like this in my day!

Two of my favorite quotes:

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it"

Confucius

"There are Flowers everywhere, for those who bother to look"

Henri Matisse

XOXO

Psalm 30:11

Okay, Wow….. I had a hard day yesterday.  A raw day.  A day of healing, really.  I cried a whole lot of tears yesterday, and my heart felt so heavy. 

I survived.  I always do.

Today is a new day. I slept better last night.  I woke up this morning, sat at the table and wrote my heart out to God, (still not feeling particularly close to Him) but realizing that if I don’t let Him in, and release all that junk to Him everyday, that I just end up looking for Him in other things, wandering, and running from Him all day…… I might as well just save everyone some time….

The verses in Isaiah 49 popped up randomly in my head.  To be honest, these verses have been really painful for me in the past, and I don’t voluntarily read them much.

:14 But Christina said “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me”

:15 God says “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast, and have no compassion on the child she has borne?”

….. K. Stop. This is where I don’t stop and cry, or have a pity party…. But inside, when I read this verse, there is a twinge of something…..  Hmmm, how can I explain? … Almost like a coldness over my heart.  I usually read it quickly and distantly, as if I don’t want the weight of the question to touch me, and I don’t want to look at how my life seems to bear the answer that Isaiah was positive would be a resounding NO…. "Obviously, a mother can never forget her child, are you kidding me, that’s impossible!!"

Ouch…….. And that is why I avoid this verse!

See, I’ve always made the best of my life, a lot of it being without my mom.  The few times I allow myself to go to that place of vulnerability and pain (like yesterday) I don’t stay there long, I pick myself back up and think of all the ways that God has made things better in my life, and all that He has given me.

I like that I’m like this.  It helps me to keep going, to keep looking forward. 

After yesterday, though, I realized that my avoiding answering Isaiah's question, as it rings true in my own life, has been, me, avoiding looking at this wound that may be infected and making a lot of areas around it really sore. 

Everyone has points of pain in their lives right?  So my parents got divorced (welcome to the modern world!)  So my mom is an alcoholic and left us.  The rest of the world seems to have pain (lots far more severe than mine) and move on.  Why can I not seem to move on?

When I was at Mercy, we had a lady come and Prophesy over each of us. Such an amazing gift that maybe happens a couple of times in anyone’s life (if that).  She knew absolutely nothing about any of us, leaving me astonished at the accuracy of the words she spoke to me from God.  I remember, at the time though,  being really pissed off at my prophesy.  It seemed like all the other girls’ were filled with awesome things that they were going to do in the future and mine went something like this (Only a part of what was spoken):

 Christina, The Lord is turning your Mourning into dancing.  Your sorrow into Joy.  He's giving you the garments of praise instead of the Spirit of heaviness.  Light is shining into every dark place inside of you.  He is removing the every place of grief and sorrow that has been over your life.  The Lord says "Daughter, I want you to know that there is a process of grief when bad things happen that is divinely ordained, but the enemy comes in and brings a Spirit of grief that wants to get you stuck and keep you from moving forward.  Daughter, you've found yourself caught in a place of grief.  For somethings you understood what you were grieving over, and somethings you didn't begin to understand what you were grieving over."  The Lord says, "Daughter, you experienced loss, and you sucked it up and went on.  Then you experienced even deeper loss, and then you sucked it up and went on.  You thought... well I'll just have to get over it.  Everyone else seems to get over it.  What's wrong with me that I can't get over it?  But daughter, you underestimated the depth of the trauma and the pain that you went through." says the Spirit of the Lord.  Even as some things happened that were out of your control, you felt like it "X'd" out a lot of the things that you hoped for in your own life, as far as family and future, and all the good things that I could have in store for you, and you started suddenly backing off and feeling like none of those things could ever be for you because grief had a hold of you and grief was holding you captive."  The Spirit of the Lord says "Daughter, I want you to know that I am A God that has come to set you free of grief.  And I am a God that has come to set you free of the sorrowful places in your heart.  Yes, you need to finish the grief process, and I'm even brining it to a close, so that the Joy of the Lord can begin to bubble up inside of you."

Now, although mine had some awesome future stuff too, toward the end.... I was stuck on this grief piece.….. and I was disappointed in God because I just want to get over my past crap.  I just want to forget that my mom left!  I just want to move on! And He’s saying “Christina, you need to finish grieving.”  God, I have been grieving for what seems like my whole life….. Can I not be done already!!!!

I have realized over the past few months that in order to get over my past, I’m going to have to “go there” with God, and allow Him to open me up….. all of me (even those parts I want to pretend don’t affect me anymore).  It has been a really painful season, but also a season that has allowed me to feel and sense the love of God like I had never before experienced.  I felt like a new person when I graduated Mercy, and I was pleased to be finally leaving my past behind (Mom wounds and all) and start living!

Man, this has not been my experience.  If anything, I feel like I am being opened up more.  I am crying more, and I am actually feeling this mom void for the first time. I’m noticing moms and daughters everywhere (I always have, but it seems worse now).  It seems like every movie I watch is about moms, or hearing stories about awesome moms.  It seems to be the most random unexpected things that cause the tears to well up.  Usually at the most embarrassing and inconvenient times too! Times when I really need to hold it together!  I would like to, once in my life, cry at the perfect time.  Not in funny movies, not when everyone else is laughing and having a gay old time, not when I've only known you for like 2 seconds, and not in super public places!  Is this too much to ask?  Really!

I’m so thankful, now, for the grief part of my prophesy. God knew exactly what I would need to hold onto in this next season.

I have listened to His words over and over and over… and over again.  I need to finish grieving.  He is bringing it to a close.  Joy is coming.  Joy is coming.  Joy is coming!!  When is the Joy coming God?

I think knowing that there will be an end to this sadness, that has been like a dark cloud over my head for years, has enabled me to let God in, and to let the hurt out instead of numbing or “positive word confessing” my way out. Which is a journey everyday…. I’m not saying I’m doing a great job or anything. Although, it’s allowed me to be real with my pain instead of trying to hide or act like everything is just dandy because hiding and pretending has gotten me nowhere at all.  In fact, its kept me stuck, and turned inward, isolated and alone. 

I have always wanted to run with all this passion inside. Never walk.... run. Since a little girl, I’ve been a dreamer.  I feel like I’ve tried my darndest to run, but I was wounded and had a limp.  I still tried to run, though, hopping my way along life, never wanting to miss a second, getting my injury looked at or taking the time to heal “I’m not that weak.  I’m good, see, I can make it!” 

Joyce Meyers talks about Shepherds.  She says that if a Shepherd has a lamb that keeps getting into trouble, disobeying and wandering off from the flock.  The Shepherd will actually break the little lamb’s legs so it can’t walk.  Then, the Shepherd will carry the lamb around his neck until its legs heal.  When the lamb is healed, after spending day and night around the Shepherd neck, listening to His voice, it will stay by the Shepherd, even though it can walk and run on its own now.  The lamb never wanders off again.

So powerful, and this story has resonated in my heart.  My legs were broken.  By life, by circumstances, by my own wandering off and foolish choices.  I feel like I have spent the last year around the Shepherd’s neck, healing.  Maybe I’m still there?  Maybe, my legs are fixed and I just don’t realize it?  Either way, there is a trust that has formed with my Shepherd.  I have been lovingly broken by Him, carried on His huge strong shoulders, heard His tender voice, learned His heart more, and watched Him tend to His other sheep so graciously, even as I struggled/struggle in discomfort,  there is not one part of me that ever wants to leave His side now…. Not ever!  I am so in love with Him and I can trust Him with my heart.

This is why I feel safe to open my heart to Him.  I’m learning that every time I choose to let Him in, He brings healing, more hope, and I see Him a little more clearly.   

There is a Laura Woodly Song called “In the Light”

There is a line in it that says “And now she’s always by His side.  She stays in His arms day and night”

This is my line.  This is the song of my heart. (I actually want to get it tattooed somewhere.... maybe?)  I never want to be far away from Him.  I want to live my entire life close to Him.  He saved me!  He rescued me from myself!  What a Good Shepherd!

Here is the song, if you want to listen.

So, When I came on here to write........ this is not at all what I intended to write.... seriously....I wanted to write about something different today, something not so "down in the dumps" I was actually going to post some pictures of some new clothes I found at thrift stores that I am super excited about..... I'm really struggling being in this place.  I'm not always so deep and dark...... and I have never been deep and dark out in the open.  Its sooo scary! I actually don't even like thinking about all that I have written over these past 2 months...... makes me want to delete everything! 

So, today,  I was planning to share another side of me, a lighter side.... but I guess God had other plans.  Oh well.... there's always another day to share my Amazing new finds!!

XOXO