Trips to The Bulk Bin

Well, Its 4:18 AM and its been another sleepless night.  I am pretty much at the end of myself.  It's been a week of literally almost next to no sleep... I'm not saying this to complain... more to state the fact that 

This is beyond me!

This past week, I have pretty much stayed home, close to bed, and away from people.  I have done little to no exercise, had at least one bottle of diet pop (which I know is really bad for me, and I know I need to ditch) a day, and far too many trips to the bulk bins for my new daily chocolate shop that I need like a hole in the head.  I have felt bad about my decisions with food, all night snacking, and now tighter fitting clothes.  I have not treated Trevor with very much respect in the way I have spoken to him, or expressed how much I love him.  I've been very self focussed.
We have both been fighting colds.... and weariness.

Pretty much running on empty

 I desire to live healthy and strong, full of God's life and energy...... even more than desire, I know it's God's plan for me

When I was really sick with anorexia and bulimia... about 3 years ago.  I was on a walk one day (my daily walk which Trevor called a death march) I was weak and frail and exhausted, but I was walking fast to burn more calories..... I heard very clearly God say " I don't want you to say that you are sick or have an eating disorder anymore.  I want you to say I am healthy and strong, full of the life and energy of God"
I've written this story in an earlier post, but long story short, I started saying that...... even when I was leaned over the toilet purging, or frantically walking off non existent calories, wasting away, out of control.  It's been a lot of years, and God has brought me so far
 I have actually seen the fruit of those Holy Spirit breathed words in my life

Never thought I could eat a meal with Trevor
Never thought I could run
Never thought I could not live a binge purge centered life
Never thought I could gain a pound and survive

But here I am

I guess I am struggling now...... and I just had a realization as I was recalling and writing that memory. If God has brought me this far in my healing, Why do I feel I have to do the rest myself?
I'm finding that most of my choices as of late.... actually, as of the past 4 1/2 months have not aligned with this truth of who I am

Healthy and Strong, Full of the life and energy of God
This is who I am.  This is who I am made to be!

I feel like I fight the same battles everyday.  I try.  I succeed in one area, only to fall in another.  Or I can hold everything up for a week, only to crash in the next.

Conclusion (and I have taken my sweet time to get to this point.... truly get here)

In and of myself, I cannot live the healthy life that I believe God has for me
Left to myself, I am a roller coaster, unstable, weather permitting, circumstantial, emotionally driven.  Left to myself, I have no self discipline, no followthrough, no boundries,  that won't come tumbling down should I not "feel" like adhering to my own safeguard.

I can't act like I can do this anymore.  I'm not going to pretend that I have it more together than I do.
  I don't want to look right, be right, do right.... when there's not any real life in it!

I need God.  I need His way.... not only do I need to know His way, but I need His Grace and help and change in my heart to obey and actually do the right thing.

I need a miracle in my sleep

I need help to Love Trevor.  To actually see and listen to him.  I need a miracle to make me a loving wife.

I need Grace
Pure and simple

2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

I'm not sure how this verse practically applies to my life, but I do know that I have no other choice than to cling to the possibility that God can make something healthy out of this sugar high, caffine buzzed, sleep deprived, self reliant, emotional roller coaster ride of a life.  

My track record is the evidence, that I cannot do this.

How on earth are You going to be strong in all of this God?