The secret is the cinnamon stick!

 It's like my life is a poker game. At one time in my life, it was as if I had been sitting at a card table filled with people trying to play and win at this game I knew nothing about.  No one taught me how to play, the sequences, the strategies..... I'm at the professional table, nothing (or something?) in my hand and  having to bluff my way through the game.

There was a time in my life when I wanted to be sick.    

When being "sick" and bluffing was the only move I thought I could play, the chips were stacked high in front of me in my over responsible, heavy life as a teenager and young adult.
It was the only excuse I felt I had to be weak, and take a step back from playing my roles, never able to be real about the way I was feeling and cards that were actually in my hand.

It's not an over exaggeration to say that I was mysteriously "sick" and home from school like once a week through my teen years.
Now that I look back, I think my dad knew about my phantom symptoms, but for some reason, he allowed me to play my deck as I chose, making me soup for lunch, and hot honey lemon water, sucked up through a cinnamon stick.... warmed my stomach and my filled  heart.

My "sick" approach to this tournament, only accelerated as job, youth leader and wife were added to my hand. I was deep into the game and still had no clue what I was doing or how to properly play.  As the expectations (mostly from myself) rose, I feared I may be called on my bluff and fell into a more advanced severe and desperate method of play.....

Fold
Although,  Anorexia was not entirely new to me at this point...... it had never been my winning angle.
Like a sub-conscience lightbulb moment, I realized that the cards in my hand would never be enough to win... no matter what they were. My only choice to drop out of this game of life which, in my opinion, was far to big, heavy, and hard for me.

And there you have it..... I was out of the game for many many years. At a few points, I was almost literally taken out this world, but for the most part I watched the rest of the table continue playing....
Now sitting on the sidelines of the game and my life, watching others engage, laugh, strategize, grow in skill.
I tried to tell myself "I don't care... I could never make it anyway.  I don't have what it takes. I'm not good enough to play." 

I once had dreams.  I once had Hope.  
I once believed that God had a good plan for my life.
Now watching the others continued relationship, laughter and involvement..... 

the realization hits me that I have actually lost.... BIG TIME... More than I ever wanted to lose. 

I was not created to sit the game out.
I was not created to make a rash manouver and..... call it quits so early.

I was created to play

God had been watching me the whole time.  He's been dealing the game,  starring at me the entire night, noticing me looking longingly at the card table.  At the end of the last hand, He puts the cards down.  No one knows what's happening, and they all watch as He makes His way over to me across the room.  I feel awkward, humbled, and ashamed.  I look away thinking He must be walking over to someone else.... but as I glance around, there is no one else around me.  He's coming for me.  His eyes embodying a mischievous smile.
He reaches down and grabs my hands, pulls me up, leads me over to the table to the seat right in front of Him as everyone watches.  My heart is pounding as He begins to deal once again.  He nods at me, and I know that He's saying to me.......

"My Sweetest Christina,  sit your butt down here.... You were made to do this Darling."

In His Grace and Mercy...... He dealt me back in
He brought me to Mercy

God has done such a miracle in my heart.
I feel as if He has revived me, and given me the passion and hope to play once again.
This time, there are those, standing over my shoulder teaching me strategy, and giving me insight, on how to ride this one to the end of the game.

Now my heart feels full of desires for this second chance at life:

Adventures with Trevor - Listening, hiking, laughing, travel, exploring, Love, climbing, surfing, sharing, silliness, friendship
Enjoying my role as a Wife - creating a home, nurturing an environment of Peace, Joy, and Safety, cooking, laundry, cleaning, notes in Trev's lunch, making the bed, expressing Love in all I do
A baby - My heart pounding with this awakened longing to be a mother
Connection - building a community, and church family once again
Family- being reshaped and restored, the broken pieces being put back together
Friendship - relationship and connection with all generations of women

Feeling purpose and destiny churn within my being
Writing
Learning
Dance

Creativity

My heart is singing once again
Waking up with songs and melodies
Lyrics that breathe embodiment to the dance of my heart

Like a mother feels the urge (I've heard) to push when she's in labour, so I am feeling the adrenaline in my Spirit...... and I want to birth this beautiful gift that has been placed in my being.

And now......

Unexpectantly, annoyingly, frustratingly (beyond belief)...  I am waiting, anticipating the moment to play my straight flush, excited and assured of my success, when.........

My opposing competator has suddenly played a rare, once in a life time royal flush and I feel I may be forced to fold.

Wait!

I don't understand??  I thought I was made to play??

I want to play, to win....... to play this amazing hand I've been dealt.  I want to take off running with everything that God is breathing life to, on the inside of me.....

Coming out of Mercy, my expectations were so different  from what I am experiencing...... I was not counting on my opponent to play a royal flush.... and now I sit looking in disbelief at this hand 
I thought was enough....

In this season, I had not expected that I would struggle so hard with insomnia, having a backwards schedule to the rest of the world
The fatigue and lack of energy
The anxiety and fear, I thought I had conquered,  back in full fledged vengeance.
Feeling so weak, and not sure if I should make plans each week.. unsure of how I will be feeling or how much sleep I will get
The emotional roller coaster, and frazzled nerves of exhaustion
The effects on Trevor
Fighting symptom after symptom due to a tired immune system
Thinking every month that I may just be pregnant, and falling down the same pit of disappointment when I see the negative sign

I feel like everyday, I am fighting to Live......., like really live.... the abundant life..... to run with these dreams,  to start projects, explore all these ideas flooding my mind.... all the possibilities.... but it's like there are lead weights on my feet, and I can't move as fast as I would like... and its driving me CRAZY.

It's making me wonder what the heck is going on.

God, You dealt me back in??!!

How can I do any of these things in my heart without my health?

I am healthy and strong, full of the Life and Energy of God..... God, I want to be healthy and strong, full of Your life and energy

Oh Father,
I trust that You have full understanding where I have none.
I trust that You have a plan and a purpose, where I lack vision, and a way prepared when all I see is the fear.
Open my eyes, father.  Open my heart to receive Your truth,
I need You.

Sing to me until I sleep again

Our friends were over.  They just had a baby, and I was watching and thinking about parents with a baby.
If the baby has a need, a pain, a discomfort, the baby doesn't try to figure out what's wrong with it.  It doesn't try to fix it, or find a solution.
It cries.
And who figures out what's wrong? Who fixes it and finds a solution?
The parent.

Dad,
I am crying out to You.  I want to feel better.  I want to sleep.  I've tried everything.  My head and throat hurt.  I'm so tired.  I feel discouraged and I'm getting a little hopeless.
I need You.
I need You to fix things in my mind and body.  I need You to figure this out for me.
Change things.
I'm gonna come and lay in your lap, K.  I'm just really tired, Dad.
Bring me some hot honey, lemon water with a cinnamon stick, and fill my heart again.