The Joy of the Lord is My Strength
What the heck does this even mean? How does this verse translate to something tangible, something I can grab onto right now??
I need strength
Physically
Mentally
I need Courage (Heart Strength) to keep going
I feel like I'm walking upstream against a powerful current that is threatening to sweep me away in the direction I do not want to go.
It seems like all the women in my family (extended as well) deal with addiction, anxiety, fear, worry, insecurity....... man alive..... statistically speaking, I don't have a chance..... and I can feel the pull... now more than ever, to give up.
To give in to what is....... inevitable......?
My mom called me the other day, after weeks of hearing nothing from her, right before I was to walk out the door to speak at the Mercy Gala (to share my testimony of the freedom God has brought to my life)
She called from an alcohol treatment center. We talked about her day, what she's learning.... I told her I was speaking that night, she basically said "oh thats nice" and then on to the next thing about her......
It's not her real heart to be self centered.
I know that my mom didn't have a chance. She didn't learn how to nurture or Love from her mom. I know that she hates herself so much, and doesn't feel like she deserves anything, so she has to make everything revolve around her. I'm sure that she feels regret and guilt for her choices.
I don't want that for my life.
I don't want that for my children.
And I could easily go there.... I do easily go there.
In ten years... heck, in 2 years... I could easily be my mom right now...
Treatment Center
Addicted
Anxiety Ridden
Guilty and regretting
Fearful
Alone
Broken, Hurting
Hating myself
I need God's Strength because without Him I am sooo weak, and I lay down and float where ever the current takes me.... where ever my fearful feelings dictate, which is exactly to where my mom, and her mom.. and probably her mom went.... a small, captive life.
Oh God,
Please Give me heart strength in the night when panic and fear are banging at my door. Give me courage to keep moving when once again I bowed to the self centered feelings and exploded a mess of angry words at Trevor and did damage that I had not intended. Give me the determination to not give into comprimise.
Pastor Helen says that Comprimise is settling for something that is easier, because you are too afraid to fight for what you really believe in
God, Help me to keep fighting. Please show me what I am fighting for. Give me eyes to see and a heart to choose.
Help me to walk against the self hatred, the fear, anxiety, addiction that are coming against me.
Help me to fight for my marriage, for my children!
Help Trev and I to write a new chapter in our lineage.
Give us the heart strength to labour to build a dam and slow this current.
One choice at a time
The Joy of the Lord is our Strength
Father, take us into this verse, may it come alive in me... in Trevor.
Joy
Our Strength
I've been listening to this song lately... over and over as a prayer to God... and a light at the end of the tunnel.....
There is Hope
By God's Grace, and His Grace only, Trevor and I are the beginning of a Godly generation (on both our sides)
Trevor is walking upstream against a whole other torrent of things
We will be Free!
Our children will walk in a new stream, a stream of Life, and Hope, Peace and Joy
The Joy of the Lord shall be Our Strength!
XOXOXO
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