With life
With health
Relationships
Without God
It's funny because whenever I go to Trevor with a problem or a hurt, I want him to listen, to sympathize, to just sit with me for a minute in my pain or frustration. I just want him to see me and understand that my heart hurts
Usually, I already have been working on a solution, I have already determined that I do not want to stay in this place (of self pity, of hopelessness or despair)
I just want to be Loved and accepted in the place where I am
This is much to Trevor's frustration, because he just wants to help. He wants to give me practical solutions. Maybe when he hears me talk negatively, he gets scared that I'm going to camp there.
So he tells me all the things that are good. He tells me what might work easing my agony. He always outshines the negative with the positive........
This is much to my frustration
But, alas,
When a loved one..... even when Trevor comes to me in this negative space (which isn't very often for him) I tend to jump into the same responsible, problem solving role that annoyingly comes so easy to Trevor.
I have someone in my life right now. Someone who I would equate having the same love and depth of concern that I would have for my own daughter. Someone who was there when I walked through so much death with the eating disorder. She was there when I fell... and there to see me rise.
And now, she is going through a horrible despairing time. She is facing her past, addiction, fear, loneliness, rejection, and shame. Now, she is faced with choices and desisions that will lead her closer to life abundant, or death.... and I'm watching. Praying. Waiting. Agonizing.
I never want to be the person that someone would feel judged around, like they have to hide their crap from me. I long to be someone who embraces, even when I'll get covered in crap myself by doing so. Yet, I feel like this precious someone doesn't feel safe with me to bear her heart with me.
And I wonder, is it because I am quick to speak and slow to listen?
Because I look at the What first, and glance at the Why that lies behind?
Maybe it's my own fear that seeps through, that she'll camp out in this place of despair, and I'll have to watch death slowly take it's toll.
Or, I see so much more in her, and it breaks my heart that she can't see it. It is agonizing to watch her make choices toward captivity (even the same choices I once made... even now could, and do easily make) when I have tasted freedom and can help her to get there.
Somehow (like usual) my true heart for her, my acceptance, my compassion, and understanding is lost and misinterprated in my advice, my problem solving, my solutions for her "problems", (sadly) even my scripture references.
Why can't I just listen like I wish Trevor would?
Why can't I just put all my own fear and worry aside, trust that God is already working in her heart and leading her toward making a good desision, and just listen. Just care.
Planting a tree of Hope at Mercy for those who still need Freedom!
God,
Make me one who sees and understands. Father, I pray that those who come to me would find Grace, compassion, and a friend. I pray that you would help me to see the why behind the what in those I love. Help me not to fix, but to Trust that You can and are doing all the fixing.
Make me approachable, father, like You.
Quick to listen and slow to speak.
Father, I thank you that you are working behind the scenes in the heart, where I cannot see. I thank You that you are breathing life in her where I can only see death. Give me eyes to see her like you see her, as the woman that you created and formed in her mother's womb. Even the dark isn't dark to You. The night shines like the day to You. Help me to see through Your eyes.
Help me to have faith.
You are stronger than me, Your plan is better than mine. Your work is sure and study and lasts a life time.
I trust You God.
I trust you, and I release this precious daughter from my grip into Your big, strong, capable hands.
Father, have Your way in her.
Can You restore what has been broken, and redeem what's been stolen.
Make her whole.
Free her.
I pray that You would give her a Spirit of wisdom and revelation, that she may know You more. That the eyes of her understanding would be enlightened, that she would know the Hope to which You have called her and the riches of Your Glorious inheritance for her.
Thank You for Your work, father...... in my heart as well.
Thank You for Your Grace that covers, sins, mistakes, and short commings.
Help me to see Trevor's true heart, and other's, when I feel like I can't approach in my own weakness. Even then, give me eyes to see.
I believe in you precious girl!
XOXOXO
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