So, I really feel like God will not let me go until I sit down and write about some things that I have been running from.... like I mean literally running from for a couple of weeks now.
By running, I mean:
- running to chocolate
- running to diet pop
- running to food
- running to sleeping medication
- running to busyness and distraction (and not stopping)
- running from people
Running to numb
Hiding in shame
Why?
Good question, and I'm not sure of the answer..... but I have asked God (knowing that I tend to always run) to please not let my heart run from Him. "God, please don't let me do what I've always done"...... and so after 2 weeks of an intense internal struggle.....
Here I am
All of me
We just finished a series at church on Nehemiah. We learned how Nehemiah allowed his heart to be broken for what broke God's heart.... which meant weeping for the nation of Jerusalem that he really had no obligation to weep for. He prayed and received God's mind on the situation. Then he got up an did something about it...... He planned to rebuild the broken wall in Jeruesalem. This particular Sunday sermon was about Finishing well.... and how Nehemiah (once he set out to build the wall) was faced with all sorts of opposition that came against him... especially when they were almost done.
After the service, I prayed really earnestly to God (while the piano played... and the "Spirit moved"... lol). I prayed "God, please break my heart for the things that break Yours." I searched my mind to see if there was any area that God was breaking my heart for... (I'm just chuckling because I take things WAY too seriously sometimes.....)
I was thinking, maybe it'll be girls with eating disorders, homeless, victims of some sort.......
Then I heard so clearly in my Spirit, something that I couldn't even believe was God's voice.
"Christina, you break my heart."
What?
It was honestly so out of left field that it shocked me right out of my "Spiritual prayer" :)
Now, you have to understand something about the way I am... well 2 very separate ways that I am. One of which I am "proud" of and one of which I hate.
I feel Proud because - I get over things. Big things. I overlook offenses, and have this way of sucking things up and moving on...... a gift?... A gift of compassion, a gift of understanding...... or so I once thought .....
I Hate - That I also have this way of not getting over certain things... like ever! A way of staying stuck, a way of sitting in self centered pity, and looking for someone to have empathy and care for me... I complain and go over and over the same issues. I hate myself for being stuck, weak, and I hate that my life revolves around me...
So yes, I was shocked when God said that His heart broke for me because although my life is very self centered (you would assume its out of love for myself) but really...... deep down, I loathe myself, have zero compassion for myself, and zero tolerance for my own weakness.
Truth be told, the only reason that I can "suck it up" and get over the offenses of others so easily, is because I don't let anyone close enough to really touch me, or let their actions affect my heart....
Except Trevor, and God knows that there is no way I am letting his offenses and mistakes go. He's right up there with me...... Zero tolerance for weakness.
I feel like Trevor is really the only one who sees the real Christina. Trevor is the only human being that has the capacity to break my heart........ which also means that he is the only one who "gets" to carry the load of caring about the things on my heart.
I never believed that anyone could care about me.
I believe, deep down that I am easily overlooked and forgotten. That I am unimportant. And actually, I feel like there is a part of me that has come to terms with that belief. There is a part of me that says "I don't care because Trevor cares about me. Trevor sees me, Trevor doesn't forget me"....... And God Cares, sees and doesn't forget me..... But Trevor is tangible, and available... and requires NO faith, and no facing myself!
The truth is, that I have made sure in the past 8 years (and controlled in a sense) to make sure that Trevor does not forget me... even for one second.
Being sick with anorexia served a purpose that I wasn't even aware of at the time... and that was a weakness that caused Trevor to have to care for me, and ensure that he wouldn't leave me. (This all sounds so awful, but I never really realized the thoughts and the motivations behind my actions)
I feel like God is opening my eyes to the fear that lies behind so much in my life.
I'm not sick anymore, and I can sense (inside) that there is this fear growing that no one is going to care about me, or know that I'm not doing okay.
Trevor's attention was 100% on me for a lot of years. Because, I was dying at some points, I was weak, I couldn't work so he devoted his whole life to caring for me......
and that felt safe to me...... that was sooo safe.
When I went to Mercy. When I chose (with God's help, and by His leading) to actually let go of the eating disorder....... It was more than just letting go of a few bad habits and gaining some weight.
It was letting go of the only form of communication I knew at the time to say "I need you" "I need someone" "I need to be protected and feel safe"
"I am small"
Now I find myself in a season of no words.
I find myself in a season of being trapped inside myself, and unable to find the courage to trust and believe that someone would care about me, and see me.......
Just me
I think this is a weird season for Trevor too.
For eight years, he was in constant protection mode, survival mode. Constant caring for his sick wife mode... which meant that he did little to nothing that he enjoyed. His life revolved around me. My feelings took precedence over his. My thoughts were right. My needs were more important.
Now that I am healthier, and he can actually breathe. Now that he doesn't have to wonder if I will stop breathing in my sleep, or listen to make sure I'm not purging when I go to the bathroom, or wonder if I ate today......
He is actually discovering that he has needs. He has desires, and feelings, and thoughts... and that he is important too!
I always knew this, and I tried to see him, and hear him, and give him space and time...... but I feel like I was so blinded by my own fear.
I was so afraid that if he took his eyes or thoughts off of me for one second, that he would forget about me..... and leave.... (this sounds so irrational..... and I feel like an idiot and just begging for everyone to judge me........ but I guess that is what Fear is... Irrational.)
Wow... this is turning into a really long post.... but I so strongly feel this on my heart so I am going to push on.. not really sure what is going to come out.. please bear with me......
So I realize all these things about myself, Trev and I can both clearly see the unhealthy role that he held/holds in my life.
I'm so proud of Trevor, by the way, for being courageous enough to voice his needs and wants....
The other night, I had plans to go out to a girls game night.... Trevor was going to have a much needed night to himself and his video game which he hadn't played in months and months... (He was really excited!)
I am really really trying to give him his space, and give him room to figure stuff out for himself....
What ended up happening, is that I didn't sleep more than a couple of hours the night before, I started a new job that day, and I was so tired...... I decided that I wasn't going to go out.
He said, "No, I don't mind if you stay home ( I was feeling a little guilty, and afraid that I would ruin his night) but I really want to play my game, so can we just do our own thing tonight?"
I said "sure, I'll stay in our room and watch Modern Family!!!".... but Inside, I was SO hurt. All I could think and dwell on was that He Needed to get away from me, that I was too much of a burden in his life, and that he didn't care.
I honestly sat in our room and bawled. I was en-gulfed with fear.
Most nights we end up somehow or other talking (or fighting) about deep emotional things.... where we focus on me (sadly) But tonight Trevor was "allowed" just do whatever Trevor wanted to do.
I was okay with him playing his game all night when I had plans to go out... but now.... Now that I was home, he had a choice......
Being with me...... or his game.
I prayed that God would help me to not manipulate, or make him feel bad if he did not choose me...... Which, I'm not even lying... was so painfully agonizing for me that it caught me by surprise!
I cried and cried and cried.
I felt utterly alone in the room next to him, listening to the gunshots in his game, and forcing myself to stay....... just stay in our bed.
I felt like he didn't choose me.
He didn't need to, out of necessity,
So he didn't want me.
I'm not proud to say what I did out of this fear.
I gave in....( but not in the way that I once would have, though...... in a more "holding my shit together" way)
After eating a few handfuls of jelly beans and pouring a glass if wine, I turned up the show I was watching and laughed really loud so that he would hear me and want to come in and watch it with me.
He didn't.....
"Doesn't he hear that something awesome is happening in the next room....??!"
So, after a couple of episodes, I texted him... (too afraid to go out and "ruin" his night alone) and asked if he wanted to come and watch the super funny episode that I just watched......"It's really funny!" I said.... (clearly all the boisterous laughter was not for nothing!) He came in.. but I could tell that it was out of obligation.... ( ... at one time in our lives I would have not been able to tell .... but now I could) He watched the show with me (smiles a bit... but didn't laugh the way I'd seen him laugh at Phil's jokes before) when it was over, he went back out to finish his game...... My heart was broken.
He doesn't care.
He doesn't want me.
He never did. He just had to stay with me because I was sick.
The night ended with me exploding through sobs and tears of blame and accusations. The night ended in Trevor feeling like he'd done something terribly wrong by doing something for himself... and me feeling utterly guilty for making him feel like a failure for something that was my stupid issue!
The point of all of this..... I began by telling you what God spoke to me, that I broke his heart..... and how off putting that was for me to hear....
Because, I "Know" that God cares, but deep deep deep down..... I don't really know that God cares about me.... the manipulator, the self centered one, the one who runs to a million things that aren't God for comfort..... if anything, I believe that I am just an annoyance to Him at the simplest level, a girl who can not seem to get over her childhood..... "Get over it already, Christina!"
In the prophesy that I received at Mercy, God spoke that I had been stuck in a place of grieving, for somethings that I didn't even realize what I was grieving over, and that I would have to finish the grieving process........ (This was spoken over a year ago, and I feel like I have been doing nothing but grieving and sitting under a dark cloud ever since.... (centered on myself) Gosh, some days I want to delete this whole blog because I even hate hearing about me me me constantly!
So, I asked God (in relevance to the Nehemiah sermon on Finishing well) "God, How do I finish this year well?"
Again, I heard Him say... very clearly..... "You need to finish the grieving process. You need to keep going to those dark places, and you need to see My heart for you."
This was not what I wanted to hear..... To be honest... I just want to move on..... I really don't want to live a life looking at me.... plus aren't we supposed to focus on other's and not ourselves?..... Is this even God speaking to me??
I feel like my eyes have been opening to some realities in myself.
Unless, I can receive God's heart for me (which is apparently breaking) than I will never be able to have true love and compassion for others. (Most important to me right now... Trevor)
My world focussed on me... is not out of self Love.. but out of fear and self hatred....
The funny thing is..... that what I Truly need, and long for is God's love. I truly Long to Trust that He sees me, and Cares.... and wants to be with me....
But it is the hardest thing for me to receive. To believe.
In fact..... I don't think I can with out His help.
Ha ha.. I need help to receive His Love... that I need and spend myself looking for..... So weird....
So the journey continues....... and I'm not gonna run... I'm not gonna lie down. "Please God, help me not to run!"
God, help me to allow You to shine light into those dark places of my heart and bring this blasted grieving process to a close. I'll sit, like Nehemiah... and allow You to break my heart for what breaks Yours ...... Me??........ and hopefully..... eventually.... genuinly...... Others!
and the Joy of the Lord can begin to bubble up inside of me.
xoxoxo
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