Just A Drive By The V Dub Dealership

Trevor is the

strong

silent type....

 cliche, I know.. but let me explain something that I believe that God is showing me about Trevor.

 Strength

 as defined by the dictionary,

 

the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor. 

Which is funny because, if you know or have seen Trevor;  he is tall and slim, smaller boned, and can't gain weight for the life of him.  I think there may have been a time in his life when he hated his petite frame which is vastly different from his dad and brother's stalky thick frame.  They both bear big arms and thighs, a broad chest, naturally. 

Trevor likes to work out, lift weights... although our life rarely allows him the time. Trevor's arms are sculpted, his body lean and pretty darn chiseled because of his day to day activity. He may be taller and slimmer than the rest of the boys in his family, and though he bears the same broad chest, to have the same  upper body capacity, would require a disciplined lifestyle of weightlifting (even then, all hard work and effort may lead to minimal change).  I don't however feel that Trevor was born for the gym and a bench press.  

Trevor is a worker

A builder

He is strong because of living his life

Agile, athletic, limber

Trevor's strength is in his arms, in his hands

He can use a tool. A hammer, a saw, a shovel, a drill.  He will use it to provide for me, for our children and future.  Use it to fix something for you.  He can build and create strong and sturdy, and detailed things.  He can carry, and lift, and dig. His arms are strong because he builds and works them

day in and day out..... for the ones he loves.

His hands are also strong.  He can hold a beer, drop everything and head to the pub to meet you. Even hold a glass of wine (if he thinks I would enjoy that more).  He can watch a movie with you, set up the DVD player, put away all the dvd's that are laying on top of the empty case (oops!).  He can operate the 3 remotes when I have no idea how to even turn the power on.  Eat an ice cream with you. Go stand in line and get me chocolate.  Play in the water and skip rocks.  He can laugh with you.. or at you... or be laughed at... whatever you need.  He can grab a butt, cop a quick feel when no one is looking.

He can pick up the phone.  Send a funny picture.  Pray. Hug. Put his hand on your back, and just leave it there. Surprise you.  Buy me an outfit.  He can hear a song and think of you... probably text you and tell you about it.  He can write an awkward heartfelt note and leave it on the counter for me to wake up to, only because he knows it will make me smile.  He can untangle my knotted, headphones, computer cords, seat belts and jewelry.  He can clean a toilet, or shower if it would lift a weight off of me.  He'll write out directions when I can't read a map.

He'll dance with me, feeling stupid. Wipe away a tear.  Come and stand behind me and fearfully put his hand on my sob heaving shoulders, not having a clue what is happening.

He can punch you when he sees a VW bug, or deliberately drive by the V dub dealership and go to town on my leg!

More so, what God is showing me

Trevor's  strength is in his heart

Trevor has this capacity, like I have not seen before, to hold people in his heart.  To make space for people in his life.   

To be a husband

A son  

A brother  

A friend

Trevor has a strength to be honored. 

 Day in and day out, Trevor lives his life with others.

I have seen him put his favorite book back on the shelf (the one that he's been trying to finish for a year now), look at, and walk by his guitar in the corner (the one he was created to play), 

give up a night with his X Box, or a new pair of shoes, or a day off for someone who needs him.

You know, 

Trevor doesn't spend hours at the gym, read fitness mags, consume suppliments, spend endless energy at the bench presses, trying to build physical strength (not that there is anything wrong with that)  To me, though, it seems a little ego-centrical.  Even a kinda pointless.... who would benefit from all that, other than self??  

Trevor's all round strength is framed by the everyday, rain or shine, high or low, year after year giving and sharing his life with those who have been placed in it by divine design.

Some of the other definitions of strength from the dictionary:

moral power, firmness, or courage, power by reason of influence, authority, resources,numbers

 To look at, the world may not choose him as the strongest most qualified man, husband, father...... Wait a minute... Man, lets be real here.. maybe I should  replace the word world with Christina (ouch!)

Christina may not always choose him as the strongest most qualified, man, husband, and father.....

 The world, also didn't think a young shepherd boy could slay a giant.

God sees something the World (Christina) doesn't

Day after day, David was being trained, readied and strengthened as he tended the sheep and gave his life for them.  Tested in his faithfulness and diligence at the job he was given.  There in the fields, as he used his hands, and arms, and mind, he was being positioned for something unimaginable to him.  

Trevor and David.  Doing all they know to do, what they love to do, what they were wired to do.... all the while, strength, courage and confidence being infused into their hearts.

If there is anything I don't want to do anymore, it is to look at Trevor and see what would be evident in the natural, in my own eyes......  I want to see what God sees when He looks at Trevor.  I want to see the reason why God anointed him, chose him... (out of everyone else who would potentially be more qualified) to be the hero, to slay the giant, to be a trophy of God's glory.

Open my eyes Lord.  Help me to see with your eyes.  Help me to

always see the King that Trevor is.  

Help me to never belittle a shepherd boy.

You are building something great, father...... 

You have built something great

What an honor to be his wife, and cheer as Goliath falls and Your name is lifted high.  What an honor to witness the wonder and rise of a king

Weak Made Strong

Trevor says I haven't written in a while.
He's right.  I feel like every time I sit down to write in the afternoon... I get super distracted.  Even if I have things on my heart that I am aching to write about.

I feel disappointed with my life

I feel like I'm floating

I just read in the bible today that it is in Him that I find out who I really am and why I am here

So I will wait..... I have no choice
It's not an option anymore to go back to my own way of being in charge, running fast, but going nowhere
I believe there is a better way to life 

There is this feeling ( a fickle feeling, as Joyce would say) (A stupid feeling as Trevor, would say) that God is not quite strong enough to hold me
To fix me
This feeling that if I fully lean on Him that He cannot fully support
Heal me
Set me free from my self (compulsions, impulsions and all)

I have a  catastrophic apprehension to
Fall into Grace

This song has been playing in my head for like the past week.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus Blood and Righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly Trust in Jesus Name

Christ Alone, Cornerstone
The weak made strong
In the Savior's Love
Through the Storm
He is Lord
Lord Of All

Christ in me
The Hope of Glory

Christ in me
The Hope of Glory

Awake my Soul to Christ in me, My Hope 

Kind of a  downer of a post... but it's one of those days......

Sing It Shawn!

So I have merged a quote I found on Pintrest with my own... ready... it's pretty sweet...

Fully enjoy the moment that I'm in

 It won't last forever

Have faith in the moment that is hard

It, too, will not last forever

It takes more courage to live fully

in each moment

Trusting that the One who holds the next

is bigger than me

I could also add to the end:

Is Stronger than me

Is Better than me

Is Wiser than me

More Exciting, Fun and Adventurous than me

or just plain old

Knowing that the One who holds the next moment, Loves me!

Moments and Love notes from my Father, in the past few......

Healthy Meals with Trevor...... This one is my meal

This one is Trev's meal..... Still can't bring myself to do the red meat thing... At least I see veggies on his plate!

Fall Walks!

Had a notion to stop by the local thrift store.. only to find that they had a 60% off everything sale!

All this for $23.00!  Woot!

Laughs 

Hanging with my beautiful friends... Trev took the picture.  He hung with us too.... I love that he's cool to listen to girl talk (although there is the occasional outbreak of the Iphone out of boredom... lol)

Trev's parents stayed with us for a few days!  Good times had by all... as you can tell by Trev's face!

Roaming Downtown Vancouver!...... It's a car with all these trinkets stuck to it!

Reminded that God's gonna do miracles for and in the people I Love!

Daily Truth!  And boy do I ever need it!!

Been seeing crazy amounts of triple 4's.... I really need to research the biblical meaning of this...... I'm gonna say 5 or 6 times in that past week...... Soooo Exciting!

I did, however, learn that a triple digit means completion (or a completed work)

Also, that 5 means Grace!

So my new favorite number sequence is 555

Pure completed Grace for me!  

I could just jump and dance right now!

Trevor went out, in the rain (he would want me to add that detail) last night, to get me a bit of dark chocolate..... and I'm not even pregnant!.... (yet :)

What a sweet man I have!

A moment that happened this morning:

I went for a walk.  It was so beautiful out.  I passed the play park, and there were no kids for a change, so I stopped and laid down on this huge saucer swing in the sunshine.  I was just laying, eyes closed, swinging back and forth.  I felt God's presence wrapped around me, so calming and so strong.  I felt like a little girl.  As I laid there, the chorus of a song popped up in my heart.

Everything's gonna be alright

Rockabye

It was such a sweet moment with God

Almost home, I was walking up to our apartment, there was a dad holding his baby.  His back was to me, walking ahead of me, but the baby girl was facing me.  I smiled at her... she was so stinking cute..... she looked at me and said "Mama"....... twice.

Coincidence..... maybe.  But I received it as God, speaking a promise straight to my heart.  Flooding me with hope and faith.  Letting me know that He sees me, He knows my deepest desires, and He hasn't forgotten.... 

I'm gonna be a mama!  Trev's gonna be a daddy!  We're gonna have a family!

Even now, the tears flow... happy tears... and my heart sings

I am so Loved!

My father Delights in me

 He gives good gifts

He knows me better than I know myself 

His heart is so beautiful! 

What My Heart Can't Say

When I was in my pre-teens, my parents had been separated for awhile... We lived alternating weeks, one at moms, one at dads.  My mom was living in this little house that she rented for dirt cheap from a little church in town.  It was a chaotic time in everyone's life.  Mom was drinking...a lot.  She had been dating a couple different men on and off.  She was building kind of a reputation in town for herself.... and what felt like, for me too.  I was trying to balance a normal teenage life -  school, friends, fun with a heavy, shameful, secret life at home.... and beginning to crumble under the weight.

I remember one afternoon in our little house, I headed down to the basement to throw the load of wash that, my mom had put in earlier for me, in to the dryer.  As I took the clothes out, I realized that she had placed all my clothes (I have already shared how much I love clothes) in the wash together instead of separating them... and now some of my colors had bled onto my whites...... I was furious..... I had minimal clothes to begin with, and no money to buy more.  Clothes were everything to me then!

I started screaming, and crying.  My mom rushed downstairs.
I remember looking straight at her and letting the pent up words fly out of my mouth, through the tears of utter crisis.

"You are so stupid!  How could you be so stupid!  I hate you!  I hate this house!  I hate living here with you! You are so stupid!"

I can still see the look on her face.  I can still see the shock and the pain of the arrows of my words  that were piercing her heart.  Her eyes were so sad, so guilty, so ashamed of herself.
I broke her heart.
I remember watching as the tears fell from her eyes, and she turned to run upstairs, not even saying a word.

I immediately regretted everything I said. 
As I watched her go upstairs, I was instantly panicked. The look in her eyes was not just one of emotional hurt, my words had gone deeper than I ever meant for them to.
What did I do?  

I ran upstairs after her, to find her locked in the bathroom.  I banged on the door, I could hear her sobs.
"Mom, I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  Open the door... please open the door!"  
In the pit of my stomach I knew that everything was not okay.  I knew she was hurting herself.
I could hear a pill bottle.  I started to scream and bang the door.
"Mom, please open the door!" 
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she did

Mascara streaked her face, pills in hand (I wasn't sure if she had swallowed any or not)

I just stood there and looked at her, no idea what I needed to do. 
I called her best friend who lived a few doors down, and said "You need to get over here, mom needs you!".  
She was there within minutes.  

My next memory is of me and my little sister, sitting on the couch listening to muffled cries from my mom in the kitchen as she talked with her friend.

All my fault

When I was at Mercy,  my counsellor had asked me to write down any significant experiences from my childhood that I wanted to work through.  I listed a few obvious ones. This one popped up in my head. I had actually hardly remembered this moment, and I really debated writing it down because I didn't think it would classify as significant.  I decided to anyway...... and thank God I did.

When we had worked our way down to this item on my list, I remember relaying the same story I just told you, to my counsellor.  I was calm, and cool, and distant as I recalled the details.  
When I was done, she said "I want you to go out in the back yard, and spend some time with God"

Okay?

So I went outside, pulled a chair out into the middle of the grass...... and sat...... and stared.
I was a little annoyed, I didn't know what it was that she expected me to do out here.... I thought she was supposed to work through these things with me?

After awhile, I just thought, "Okay, I'm just going to remember that day in my head and see what happens....."

Now in my head:
I was back down in the basement, finding my ruined clothes in the washer.  I could see myself screaming, and my mom coming down.  I could see it like I was watching a movie.  I was blurting out words I would later regret, and her face looked like she had been utterly pulverized and flattened as a human.

Except, I saw something else this time.

I saw Him as clear as day.  He was standing right next to me.  I was facing my mom, Yelling in her face, and He was facing me.

Jesus

I couldn't hear the words that I was saying, as I watched, but I was so struck by the way that He was looking at me.  He looked like His heart was breaking, but not in the same way as my mom's was.  
His heart was breaking for me.  He wasn't looking at me, He was looking in me.  He didn't hear the hurtful, disrespectful words of my mouth. 
He heard the words of my heart.... and suddenly, so could I.

"Mom, I hate this life.  I'm so scared.  I can't handle this.  I feel like my world is falling apart.  I don't feel safe here.... I don't feel safe anywhere!  I never know when you will come home drunk... or even if you will come home at all. I'm scared of your these men, I don't like them in our home.  I'm scared to leave dad at home by himself because my heart breaks that he's lonely.  I'm ashamed of this life I have.  I'm ashamed of myself.  I wish I could be a normal kid and have fun without the weight of this heavy life.  I don't want to be responsible.  I'm not strong enough to carry you.... and everyone.  I wish I could lean on you.  I wish I could lean on someone.  Help me mom!  Help me!  I'm hurting.  I'm so broken and scared."

He didn't have to say anything. The way that my mom's eyes said everything.  So did His, as they flooded my heart.

"Christina, I see you.  I'm listening.  I'm so sorry that you are hurting.  I'm so sorry that you feel so much pain, and fear.  It's all going to be okay.  I love you.  You are safe with me.  I've got you.  I'm holding your heart.  You are cherished. You are Precious.  You are so very beautiful to Me.  You are good.
I'm here.  I love you.  I love you."

I was undone.  I sat out in that field, and sobbed.  
All those years of guilt.  All the weight and responsibility, feeling like I was the reason for my mom to want to end her life.  All those years of hating myself for being such a mean, awful person.
All those years of silence, never sharing my heart, fearing the damaging words that would come out.

Release

That was a precious moment for me

I think that is why I am so passionate about seeing people's hearts behind what they say and do........ Heart words and verbal words can be vastly different!

And I am learning, as much as Jesus sees my heart when I don't say the right words or act the right way.  As much as He knows the why behind the what. I live on earth with other humans who don't.

A few days ago, I said some words to Trevor out of my own hurt, and fear.  Words said in the furious heat of the moment..... even as they were leaving my lips, I regretted them.  Even more so as I saw, and have seen in the past couple of days, the effects of my careless outburst.
I disrespected him in an area where he gives everything of himself..... Loving Me.
I hurt him.

What sucks about words... are, you can't take them back.  I apologized, heartfelt repentance.  "I am so sorry I said those things.  I am so sorry I hurt your heart"
No matter how sorry I am, no matter how much I didn't mean what I said.......

The words remain


Trevor forgave me, but I can't seem to let it go in my own heart.  I try to picture Jesus, once again, looking into my heart, calling me beautiful, and cherished, and loved as I'm saying those terrible things to the one I so desperately love.  To the gift that God has given me to Love and cherish and respect.

I can't

The longing of my heart is to Love Trevor, to see him, to hear him, to be a safe place for his heart.  I want to Love him, and love him well...... but I can't.
Like every other area in my life, I can "do good", do all the right things for a time... and then in a moment.... in my weakness, with one word, I can tear it all down.  

I need God to help me to speak what is really in my heart, and not lash out.  I really really need His help with this.  I need God's help to move from just trusting Him to hear what my heart is saying, and to courageously let Trevor hear.
I'm starting to realize my own language of fear (The language I have been speaking for most of my life) and to interpret it.


Sadly, I can't go back in time and gather up the verbal garbage spilled everywhere, pull the sharp arrows from his heart, sew up the wound and say calmly, and respectfully what my heart was saying but my mouth couldn't.  My mouth says a lot of things that I don't understand, that I don't mean.  When I point the accusing finger.  When I find fault, use sharp words, attack, blame, and criticize.  When nothing is ever good enough. When I say things that tell you I don't care about your feelings or respect you .... My heart is really saying,  

" I do care.  I do love you.  I truly do respect you. 
I'm just scared.  I'm so scared that you will stop loving me.  I see all the things I do wrong, all the bad parts of me and I don't understand how you could love me.  I try to do it right. I try to show that love you.  I try to be this person, this wife that I long to be... but I'm not good enough. I fail continuously.
I'm so sorry.  
I feel so guilty for everything I have put you through, and I want to make it up to you.  I want to give back.  You've given me so much.
You are so amazing, and loving, and kind, and such a good person.  I don't deserve you.  I don't feel good enough for you.  I'm scared that you will realize that you could deserve so much better than me. I'm scared that you will realize that I am not worth it.  I'm scared that I will break you too.  
I need you.  You are the most precious thing in my life.  I have nothing but love and respect for you.  You are my hero.
I'm scared you will realize how great you are and leave me..... I don't think I would survive that. I barely survived my mom leaving.
There is no excuse for treating you disrespectfully, even in my own fear.  I'm so sorry for that.  I know that I need to change.  You deserve to be treated lovingly."


Father, 
My heart is a mess.  
Wrong thoughts in my head.
I'm standing on a sandy foundation of inaccurate beliefs about myself, You, and others.

I give myself to you.  I need You to change me.  To change things in my relationship with You and Trevor.  God, I need Your thoughts about me in my head.  Please help me, Abba.

This was the Joseph Prince devotional this morning:

Beloved, God doesn’t want you to worry! He wants you to know that when you place your problems into His hands, you are not just letting go, but allowing His abundant supply to flow right into that very area of need.

I place my heart in Your hands.  It's pretty breakable.  
I'm scared.  Help me to see Your heart again, to remember who You are.
Help  me to receive Your Love, so that I can be free to Love.

Trips to The Bulk Bin

Well, Its 4:18 AM and its been another sleepless night.  I am pretty much at the end of myself.  It's been a week of literally almost next to no sleep... I'm not saying this to complain... more to state the fact that 

This is beyond me!

This past week, I have pretty much stayed home, close to bed, and away from people.  I have done little to no exercise, had at least one bottle of diet pop (which I know is really bad for me, and I know I need to ditch) a day, and far too many trips to the bulk bins for my new daily chocolate shop that I need like a hole in the head.  I have felt bad about my decisions with food, all night snacking, and now tighter fitting clothes.  I have not treated Trevor with very much respect in the way I have spoken to him, or expressed how much I love him.  I've been very self focussed.
We have both been fighting colds.... and weariness.

Pretty much running on empty

 I desire to live healthy and strong, full of God's life and energy...... even more than desire, I know it's God's plan for me

When I was really sick with anorexia and bulimia... about 3 years ago.  I was on a walk one day (my daily walk which Trevor called a death march) I was weak and frail and exhausted, but I was walking fast to burn more calories..... I heard very clearly God say " I don't want you to say that you are sick or have an eating disorder anymore.  I want you to say I am healthy and strong, full of the life and energy of God"
I've written this story in an earlier post, but long story short, I started saying that...... even when I was leaned over the toilet purging, or frantically walking off non existent calories, wasting away, out of control.  It's been a lot of years, and God has brought me so far
 I have actually seen the fruit of those Holy Spirit breathed words in my life

Never thought I could eat a meal with Trevor
Never thought I could run
Never thought I could not live a binge purge centered life
Never thought I could gain a pound and survive

But here I am

I guess I am struggling now...... and I just had a realization as I was recalling and writing that memory. If God has brought me this far in my healing, Why do I feel I have to do the rest myself?
I'm finding that most of my choices as of late.... actually, as of the past 4 1/2 months have not aligned with this truth of who I am

Healthy and Strong, Full of the life and energy of God
This is who I am.  This is who I am made to be!

I feel like I fight the same battles everyday.  I try.  I succeed in one area, only to fall in another.  Or I can hold everything up for a week, only to crash in the next.

Conclusion (and I have taken my sweet time to get to this point.... truly get here)

In and of myself, I cannot live the healthy life that I believe God has for me
Left to myself, I am a roller coaster, unstable, weather permitting, circumstantial, emotionally driven.  Left to myself, I have no self discipline, no followthrough, no boundries,  that won't come tumbling down should I not "feel" like adhering to my own safeguard.

I can't act like I can do this anymore.  I'm not going to pretend that I have it more together than I do.
  I don't want to look right, be right, do right.... when there's not any real life in it!

I need God.  I need His way.... not only do I need to know His way, but I need His Grace and help and change in my heart to obey and actually do the right thing.

I need a miracle in my sleep

I need help to Love Trevor.  To actually see and listen to him.  I need a miracle to make me a loving wife.

I need Grace
Pure and simple

2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

I'm not sure how this verse practically applies to my life, but I do know that I have no other choice than to cling to the possibility that God can make something healthy out of this sugar high, caffine buzzed, sleep deprived, self reliant, emotional roller coaster ride of a life.  

My track record is the evidence, that I cannot do this.

How on earth are You going to be strong in all of this God?