A Warm, Perfectly Creamed and Stevia'd Mug Of Bliss

I don't think Grace means.... With Ease

Because I have been waiting for the With Ease part in so many areas right now, and wondering, where the heck is the Grace?

I think Grace means... God's strength being added to me as I do something that I would otherwise be utterly weak and sucky at, doomed to failure

Grace is me, on my run this morning, not stopping at the gate I usually stop at to catch my breath and walk for a while

Grace is me shockingly continuing to run on farther because there is energy to do so

Grace is me being equally as flabbergasted when I almost made it to the park

Wondering to myself.. "How the heck am I doing this??"

At that point.. I stopped, not out of tiredness or blood tasting fatigue.. but out of the unnormalcy of the whole event

 "Okay... I've ran plenty far.. this is too weird... I'm walking!"

I heard God speak to my heart, at that moment (With a smile)

"There was Grace to make it to the park, you know"

And then I could sense that He was running next to me

Grace is feeling so little pressure to keep running, but knowing that if I wanted to, I could, like there was this super running power in me all of a sudden!

Grace is me swinging in front of a painted cloudy sky

Hearing God's voice so clearly

Having no choice but to grab my notebook and start jotting things down 

Answers to things I have been asking Him

Grace!

 I made a choice this morning
How?
I have No Clue!

It was not by any means an easy choice

Not a heroic choice

Not even a thought out, respectable choice
But I think that

 No matter how a stubborn, sweaty, tear filled, agonizing choice comes about

No matter what the motive is

It is a choice none the less

See, 

I woke up with stress this morning

Instant stress as I stirred to consciousness

Stress about my day

Our future

Stress about the things I learned in church yesterday, that I found myself worrying about my lack of ability to apply to my life

I woke up thinking
 How can I win at life?

Be on top of all these new things that seem to demand more of me, than I am?

I woke up thinking about the pledge I made to myself (In a Holy moment at church... that's where I make most of my pledges).... (Oh Man.. I have to shake my head and smile at myself) 
A pledge to not have coffee this week 

After an hour of tossing back and forth in bed,

Trying to imprison myself there, to avoid coffee
And thinking.......

All I want is a friggin cup of coffee right now!

I end up frustratedly bounding out of our room
Sneaking downstairs
And

Staring at my Glorious coffee pot

I can almost taste the Warm Perfectly Creamed and Stevia'd Mug of Bliss

AHHHHHH!

"God, Help me!

I think that I need to give up coffee for awhile

But I really really want it!

And I'm gonna give in

You know how I am, God, I never stick to anything I say I am going to do when it comes to the moment of weakness and desire.........."

The thought pops into my head to go for a run 

My head hurts

I don't want to run

I want coffee... 
Now, more than ever before in my entire life!!
In fact, I don't feel as if my day will have any tidbit of enjoyment or significance, it might as well be spent in bed if I don't have coffee right now!  The thoughts of a day or a life (gasp!) without coffee, seems dark and void of all Joy and Pleasure..........
(I hope you are sensing the magnitude of my passion and desire for coffee this morning.. cuz it was In... (wait for it).... tense!!)

Choice
Oh, blasted choice!

"Okay Christina, if you stay home, you will drink,  a whole pot of coffee
 Feel disappointed in yourself
You have gone around this sort of mountain, enough to know the outcome....
What are you gonna do?"

I grab my runners

My phone

I open my purse to grab my debit card 

"Sweet, I'll walk past the Tim Horton's on the way home"

"Ya!  That'll be a good treat!"

"Great Idea Christina!"

..........................

"NO!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

"This is so hard... and stupid... and hard!"

I throw my debit card back

Grab a bit of chocolate I spotted in my open purse (At least I'll get some sort of a treat this morning!)  (Again, I shake my head and smile at myself..)

And bolt out the door

Now I am just angry

I revolt against running and decide I'm going to walk... and slow!

"God, why is this so hard?"

"Why can't I be one of those people who could so easily decide not to have coffee, and it not be a big deal?.... Like Trevor!  He makes me so angry with all his self control!!!!"

"I hate how compulsive I am"

I walk, stubbornly, for a bit, 

Then, I get the urge to run

.......... So I run

Right up to the gate, and the rest of my morning is History

Grace is me sitting here, now (with a coffee... I don't know what to say, it got the best of me....) 
and wondering 

How did I make a good choice this morning, to run instead of drink coffee?
Like, Seriously, ... HOW? 
That is not a decision that Christina would make...... ever!

(I must add, I'm not saying that coffee is bad.... For some reason, it is one of those things that I would like to stop because I think it would be better for my health, and it is getting to be the reason I get out of bed in the morning... and I don't like that... Just a personal thing.  So keep drinking coffee if you want.. or don't.... I don't care :)

I'm Questioning how the heck I ran so far, and had such a close experience with Jesus, heard Him speak so clearly and felt His pleasure in running along side of me?

I'm asking myself if just like Jesus said, there would have been Grace for me to run to the park, (but instead I stopped out of sheer unbelief that I could ever do that).... I wonder if that same Grace would have been there, post run, for me to not have a coffee? 

 I did have one, because it is what I always do 
I give into my momentary compulsions, feelings and desires (usually, whatever they are)

I had denied them earlier, and it felt weird and foreign that I could continue to deny the familiar

I had the same, sheer unbelief in myself

Maybe Grace needs to be about me being continuously faced with my own compulsions, weakness and desires that I cannot seem to control...

But also, witnessing this confusing ability to do things that I normally cannot do

And trust me... I am fully aware of what Christina normally does and can do!

Maybe Grace is the Miracle of my boarders and limitations, somehow, being broken in a way that I cannot replicate because it had nothing to do with me, and I couldn't even tell you how it happened!

 Grace  is me wondering, How did I choose Life right now?

While at the same time, questioning if there is any chance that I could ever make this wise choice again...?


I don't even think any of this is about Coffee... Maybe it was just a lesson to me, that when push comes to shove, and I am faced with my own compulsions and weak will.. It is actually possible to put my physical desires aside for something better and more 
life- giving

I may just have to Trust that there will be some sort of Grace available for the next decision I need to make,
It may not come with Ease
It may require me to do something drastic and unfamilliar

BUT

I'm learning to Trust God enough, to know that He never asks me to give something up without giving me something better, 

  Something I really want, but just don't realize yet

"That Girl Is A Machine, An Inspiration To Us All!!!"

I Love to Run

Now let me clarify by adding.....

1.  The above picture was taken at the Warrior Dash 2012, wearing Trevor's medal and Trevor's hat... Yes, that's correct.....I did not run the race  
2.  When running, I do Not like to push myself to the point of exhaustion... Ever!

  I like to run until I'm tired then walk for a bit... (catch my breath)

3.  My preference is to run hills

But I walk up to them (to assure I have ample energy for the climb)

4.  I scarcely pass a bench with a nice view that I don't stop, plant myself down for a moment 

and Instagram a sunrise

5.  I find it torture to pass a playground and not have a little swing

It simply calls to me!

6.  My favorite part of running each day is the big stretch (approx 2 blocks straight)  by the bus stop (crowded with people.) 
I start running as soon as I round the corner and come into bus stop view.  
I pick up speed as I breeze past my fellow morning folk (trying not to breath loudly.)  Then I simply play it cool, maintaining a brisk pace,  till around the corner out of view,  then I B-line it to the park for a "post-sprint" lay-down in the grass.... 

Oh Ya... They don't have to audibly speak my praises... I can see it in their shocked widened eyes as I whiz by...

"That girl is a machine.. and inspiration to us all!!!!" 

I Love to Run... Christina Style

My runs are the space in my world where I don't push myself

where there are No rules

No goals

No self improvement regimen

My early morning runs are My Solitude

The place where I think.. and think.... find another bench.. and think some more

My runs are where I work out my frustrations with God

Talk to Him

Recite scripture and Truth over and over again

(It's easy to do when you are never out of breath!)
My runs the Adventure in my day

Where songs and music download into my head

Stories

Ideas

And sometimes I can barely make it home fast enough to write them down

When I am outside

When I run

When I Enjoy the warmth

The sun

Beauty

I feel Free

I feel Alive and filled with Joy

And you know what

I get results

I started out last year, not being able to run half a block (no joke)

Now, I can run (should a bear be chasing me) to possibly save my life..... or at least have the confidence that I could outrun someone...

And that is a HUGE survival skill right there

I can also run like a pro, when Trev and I have had a fight and I'm steaming mad....

Oh ya, then I can run till my legs are gonna fall off... fly past all my dear swings and benches in a bitter rage!

Though, these frantic escapades usually end with me having a humbling epiphany, 
halting mid-stride,

doing a 180, and running just as fast back home to say....

"Babe, I'm so sorry"

I have no desire to ever run a marathon

No desire to make a training schedule

In fact, Trevor signed us up for a race this weekend.. and I am just dreading it with everything in me.....

Having a time lined goal sucks all the fun out for me!

There is a reason why I protect my precious running space so much from goals, rules, training

........ It's not cuz I'm lazy or unmotivated

Which one could conclude by sheer observation of me (except the people that I pass at the bus stop everyday.. they think I am hardcore!!)

I protect this space because there is very little room in my perfectionistic, goal setting, rule keeping, organized life

For Christina to be Free

See, though I don't care if I ever improve as a runner

And other than my bus stop audience, I'm not concerned if anyone thinks I'm good

I run for my simple and utter enjoyment

This is

Very different from my mindset in the rest of my life

Areas where I do want to improve

Get better

Succeed

Areas where I fear that if I don't push myself, 

I will fail

My marriage, for example, is one

Growing up, I lived with my parent's broken marriage and divorce

Then the other failed relationships they partook in to fill the voids and try again

Something inside of me is so bent toward having a different outcome in my own life and marriage than those I see increasingly all around me!

Sadly, my dreams and goals to have a happy marriage has come with alot of striving, unrealistic goals, pushing, work, book reading, military like expectations............

Basically equalling 

all the fun sucked out!

(Like I feel about this stinking race on Saturday!)

As I was running today... well, walking at this point (I was almost in view of the bus stop so I was conserving energy for the long stretch ahead of me)

I had a thought

How different would our marriage be if I approached it like I did my runs?

No goals, no pressure on myself or Trevor..... 

(To which Trevor says a silent but powerful Amen!)

What if I was able to just Enjoy life with Trevor

Stop and Rest

Take in the Beauty

Play on the swings

Run when we have energy and walk when we want to conserve before the big hills

What if our relationship filled us with Joy and Life and Energy

Inspired us to be Creative

Feel alive

What if all the fear of failing, or ending up like my parents was erased and I could just trust that we will get to where we need to be?

Remember, last year I couldn't run half a block without tasting blood .. (seriously)

And now, after a year of Simply Enjoying running.. I have ran 7 KM (when challenged by Trevor...endured it, even though I still tasted blood) and felt really really proud of myself for accomplishing such an unexpected feit in my life

Maybe, just maybe, I could expand my Christina-Style Running Space, let a little Freedom and Joy spill over.  Maybe my amazing husband, a healthy alive relationship is a Gift that God gave us, to be Enjoyed and Received more than be worked and striven for.......

It's got me to thinking anyhow

XOXOXO

If Love is Weather Permitting, I Don't Have A Hope

So I am proud only of those days that we pass in undivided tenderness

-Robert Bly

My friend sent me this picture the other day

  I can't tell you why exactly,  I immediately enlarged it, printed it out, and now it sits on the desk in my office

I find myself staring at it for awkwardly long periods of time

This picture settles quietly and makes a home in my Heart 

I feel like this image has been me

In my imagination, for so long

Needing to be hugged

In what may actually be, way too many times a day

Needing the assurance that someone is bigger than me

Loves me

Now, somehow my day dreams take life and form in some tangible piece of Pintrest art

This is me

Feeling small

Needing a reminder that someone sees my Heart

and sees something good in me

When I find myself in far away places

Far away from the real Christina

Far away from God

Believing that someones sees something more in me

And the larger perspective than my tiny "drowning in the largeness of life" perception

Unconditional Love

Perfect Love

Casting out every single Fear

I can't tell you how many mornings, and nights

And countless afternoons

I have spent, crawling up into God's lap

Like a little girl

Wondering if I am actually allowed to do this......

Let alone so often...?

But I just need to rest somewhere safe

Somewhere away from me

With someone who sees me

And understands my Heart

When it looks like a tangled ball of 10 different colors of yarn

I'm just so tired of trying to fix the jumbled mess

I want to throw it across the room and cry in frustration

With myself

I can't tell you how I have ached to be embraced so purely

Welcomed like this

After I've messed up

Inexcusably

Chosen garbage purposefully

Longing for someone to still Believe in me

As I stand there, every bad motive and weakness exposed

Met with Affection

Tenderness

Every Time

Ya, that is Perfect Love

That is what I'm Believing in

Because if it doesn't exist

I don't really have a hope

If Love is weather permitting

How could I build a  Home in such an uncertain environment

I camp on Truth from Psalm 103 often

God makes everything come out right
    He puts victims back on their feet
God is sheer mercy and grace
    Not easily angered 

He’s rich in Love
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold
    Nor hold grudges forever
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve
    Nor pay us back in full for our wrongs
As high as heaven is over the earth
    So strong is his Love to those who fear him
And as far as sunrise is from sunset
    He has separated us from our sins
As parents feel for their children
    God feels for those who fear him
He knows us inside and out
    Keeps in mind that we’re made of mud

Brennon Manning puts it this way in his book "The Furious Longings of God"

"The Jesus I met in the grounds of my own self, has furiously Loved me regardless of my state- Grace or disgrace.  And why?  For His Love is never never never based on our performance, never conditioned by our moods- of elation or depression.  The furious Love of God knows no shadow of alteration or change.  It is reliable. And always tender"

I need to go to bed.  I should have been sleeping instead of being up and about in the wee hours of the morning

I'm going to go back under my covers for, hopefully, 2 hours 

I'm gonna snuggle up to Trevor and put my cold bare feet on his legs

And rest in the fact that in spite of the mamoth list of shoulds and shouldn't, pass and fails, what-if's, if only's, and I cant's, that I have constructed for myself

God Loves me

And right now, I am welcome in His arms

XOXOXO

More Than Outward Adornment

“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness

 For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people 

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry 

For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day 

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone  

People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.” 

- Sam Levenson

From the inside out, help me to Shine, Lord.. 
Filled to Overflowing with Your Love, Peace and Hope
I pray that my time here in earth would be spent seeing and doing what really matters
Where my mind is small, please expand its borders
Open my heart to Your Love



XOXOXO

Not Cuz God Needed To Hear This, But Because I Did

I can't seem to get back to sleep

The rain is just pourring down outside

I love it!

I can't help but feel Thankful tonight

I have been given so much

And how easily I lose sight 

Allow my focus to drift to lack and want

I was in a miserable mood yesterday night

Out of nowhere

For no particular reason

My poor husband, 

Happy and Light 

On our 9 year anniversary

Comes home to his wife

The torrent of negative words

Self loathing

And cool affection

I felt bad about myself

Felt like a failure

Guilt

Perfection not met that day

I snapped at Trevor

"I'm going to bed"

More guilt

As I lay on top of covers

Talking to God

Or venting

Listening to Trevor downstairs and hurting for him

But also feeling stuck in my own misery

Like, actually stuck

Thought comes to grab my journal and write about my Thankfulness

Not cuz God needed to hear this

But, because I did

As pen met paper

Slowly at first

"I'm Thankful for my amazing husband, and the 9 years You have given me with him

I'm Thankful for our beautiful home

I have a Home!

The steam room, in our basement,  that Trevor made with his own hands

He is so Talented and Creative

I'm Thankful for the sunshine today

My new coffee grinder and beans

Fresh fruit and vegetables everyday
The Gift of caring for Trevor

I'm Thankful, Father, that You teach Trevor and I 

That You speak to us, and help us in life

You never leave us alone, and on our own to figure things out

I'm Thankful that I feel so healthy and strong, as of late

I Love both of my jobs, all of the amazing women I do life with!

I'm Thankful for the beautiful day with my Mom and Grannie"

My heart started to fill

The heaviness lift

I didn't feel alone anymore

I suddenly wanted to hug Trevor and Kiss him

I wanted to pray for him

Bless him

Tell him how much I adore him

My mouth was filled with Thanks

I have so much

Even now

Tonight

In the wee hours of the morning

Rain still falling

I think of how green our grass will be tomorrow

The grass that Trevor has tenderly nurtured back from a speckled yellow

My flowers are getting a huge drink, and I'm excited to see the buds, burst Yellow and Pink

Tomorrow holds Americano Misto's with a dear friend

Business dreaming and learning

Cleaning our Home and caring for my husband

Quiteness

Home made Pizza 

Date with Trevor

Father, How great is the Love You have Lavished on us that we should be called The Children of God, and that is who we really are!  Your kids.  Your Beloved ones.  Your heirs.  Blessed and Highly favored.  Recipients of Your Love and Kindness.  Your Grace and Mercy.

Oh Father, my heart is so Thankful tonight.

Thank You for rescuing us, and giving us a Home in You.

My life is more than what I once dreamed it would be

And You still have more for us

Than we could ask or imagine

You take the Little

You take the One

The Small

The Weak

You make it all Beautiful

Thank You

XOXOXO