A Warm, Perfectly Creamed and Stevia'd Mug Of Bliss

I don't think Grace means.... With Ease

Because I have been waiting for the With Ease part in so many areas right now, and wondering, where the heck is the Grace?

I think Grace means... God's strength being added to me as I do something that I would otherwise be utterly weak and sucky at, doomed to failure

Grace is me, on my run this morning, not stopping at the gate I usually stop at to catch my breath and walk for a while

Grace is me shockingly continuing to run on farther because there is energy to do so

Grace is me being equally as flabbergasted when I almost made it to the park

Wondering to myself.. "How the heck am I doing this??"

At that point.. I stopped, not out of tiredness or blood tasting fatigue.. but out of the unnormalcy of the whole event

 "Okay... I've ran plenty far.. this is too weird... I'm walking!"

I heard God speak to my heart, at that moment (With a smile)

"There was Grace to make it to the park, you know"

And then I could sense that He was running next to me

Grace is feeling so little pressure to keep running, but knowing that if I wanted to, I could, like there was this super running power in me all of a sudden!

Grace is me swinging in front of a painted cloudy sky

Hearing God's voice so clearly

Having no choice but to grab my notebook and start jotting things down 

Answers to things I have been asking Him

Grace!

 I made a choice this morning
How?
I have No Clue!

It was not by any means an easy choice

Not a heroic choice

Not even a thought out, respectable choice
But I think that

 No matter how a stubborn, sweaty, tear filled, agonizing choice comes about

No matter what the motive is

It is a choice none the less

See, 

I woke up with stress this morning

Instant stress as I stirred to consciousness

Stress about my day

Our future

Stress about the things I learned in church yesterday, that I found myself worrying about my lack of ability to apply to my life

I woke up thinking
 How can I win at life?

Be on top of all these new things that seem to demand more of me, than I am?

I woke up thinking about the pledge I made to myself (In a Holy moment at church... that's where I make most of my pledges).... (Oh Man.. I have to shake my head and smile at myself) 
A pledge to not have coffee this week 

After an hour of tossing back and forth in bed,

Trying to imprison myself there, to avoid coffee
And thinking.......

All I want is a friggin cup of coffee right now!

I end up frustratedly bounding out of our room
Sneaking downstairs
And

Staring at my Glorious coffee pot

I can almost taste the Warm Perfectly Creamed and Stevia'd Mug of Bliss

AHHHHHH!

"God, Help me!

I think that I need to give up coffee for awhile

But I really really want it!

And I'm gonna give in

You know how I am, God, I never stick to anything I say I am going to do when it comes to the moment of weakness and desire.........."

The thought pops into my head to go for a run 

My head hurts

I don't want to run

I want coffee... 
Now, more than ever before in my entire life!!
In fact, I don't feel as if my day will have any tidbit of enjoyment or significance, it might as well be spent in bed if I don't have coffee right now!  The thoughts of a day or a life (gasp!) without coffee, seems dark and void of all Joy and Pleasure..........
(I hope you are sensing the magnitude of my passion and desire for coffee this morning.. cuz it was In... (wait for it).... tense!!)

Choice
Oh, blasted choice!

"Okay Christina, if you stay home, you will drink,  a whole pot of coffee
 Feel disappointed in yourself
You have gone around this sort of mountain, enough to know the outcome....
What are you gonna do?"

I grab my runners

My phone

I open my purse to grab my debit card 

"Sweet, I'll walk past the Tim Horton's on the way home"

"Ya!  That'll be a good treat!"

"Great Idea Christina!"

..........................

"NO!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

"This is so hard... and stupid... and hard!"

I throw my debit card back

Grab a bit of chocolate I spotted in my open purse (At least I'll get some sort of a treat this morning!)  (Again, I shake my head and smile at myself..)

And bolt out the door

Now I am just angry

I revolt against running and decide I'm going to walk... and slow!

"God, why is this so hard?"

"Why can't I be one of those people who could so easily decide not to have coffee, and it not be a big deal?.... Like Trevor!  He makes me so angry with all his self control!!!!"

"I hate how compulsive I am"

I walk, stubbornly, for a bit, 

Then, I get the urge to run

.......... So I run

Right up to the gate, and the rest of my morning is History

Grace is me sitting here, now (with a coffee... I don't know what to say, it got the best of me....) 
and wondering 

How did I make a good choice this morning, to run instead of drink coffee?
Like, Seriously, ... HOW? 
That is not a decision that Christina would make...... ever!

(I must add, I'm not saying that coffee is bad.... For some reason, it is one of those things that I would like to stop because I think it would be better for my health, and it is getting to be the reason I get out of bed in the morning... and I don't like that... Just a personal thing.  So keep drinking coffee if you want.. or don't.... I don't care :)

I'm Questioning how the heck I ran so far, and had such a close experience with Jesus, heard Him speak so clearly and felt His pleasure in running along side of me?

I'm asking myself if just like Jesus said, there would have been Grace for me to run to the park, (but instead I stopped out of sheer unbelief that I could ever do that).... I wonder if that same Grace would have been there, post run, for me to not have a coffee? 

 I did have one, because it is what I always do 
I give into my momentary compulsions, feelings and desires (usually, whatever they are)

I had denied them earlier, and it felt weird and foreign that I could continue to deny the familiar

I had the same, sheer unbelief in myself

Maybe Grace needs to be about me being continuously faced with my own compulsions, weakness and desires that I cannot seem to control...

But also, witnessing this confusing ability to do things that I normally cannot do

And trust me... I am fully aware of what Christina normally does and can do!

Maybe Grace is the Miracle of my boarders and limitations, somehow, being broken in a way that I cannot replicate because it had nothing to do with me, and I couldn't even tell you how it happened!

 Grace  is me wondering, How did I choose Life right now?

While at the same time, questioning if there is any chance that I could ever make this wise choice again...?


I don't even think any of this is about Coffee... Maybe it was just a lesson to me, that when push comes to shove, and I am faced with my own compulsions and weak will.. It is actually possible to put my physical desires aside for something better and more 
life- giving

I may just have to Trust that there will be some sort of Grace available for the next decision I need to make,
It may not come with Ease
It may require me to do something drastic and unfamilliar

BUT

I'm learning to Trust God enough, to know that He never asks me to give something up without giving me something better, 

  Something I really want, but just don't realize yet