Those Early Morning Rays Through My "Black Out Blinds"

I'm

Wide awake

Watching the hours pass by

I thought I did everything right tonight

Today

No caffeine

Relaxing before bed

Giving all my cares and worries to God

Still

Here I am 

5:30 AM

I've seen another night through 

And the days ahead are jam packed full

As far ahead as I can see

This is the point, in my battle with insomnia, that I find myself in the middle of right now

Where I am tempted to lose hope in God

Tempted to blame myself

Look on every sleep website

Read every article

Try every remedy known to man

Again

Go around this mountain of endless struggle one more time

I just need to sleep!!!!!!

Seriously!

What am I missing here??

Is there some simple magic trick that I am missing that will cause me to blissfully close my eyes at 10

Only opening again with those early morning rays through my

 "black out blinds"

Or is it a huge intimidating arithmetic equation that I will have to pour hours of sweat and blood over to finally solve the problem?

As I lay in bed tonight

I was thinking about Paul in the bible

He said 

"To keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh"

He asked God to take the "Thorn in his flesh" away from him

(Mystery of Mysteries.... What was that thorn of his?????????)

Paul did not just ask God, either... He pleaded with Him

Man.... Have I ever done some pleading over this sleep thing!

"God, how am I supposed to survive on this little sleep?"

"How am I supposed to get through the week?"

"Do the school work for the program I thought You wanted me to sign up for?"

"What about my husband, my house, meals, friends, family...... Life!?"

"Please God, Help me sleep!!"

Three times, Paul pleaded with the Lord

Begged Him to take it away

Each time the Lord said

"My Grace is all you need

My Power works best in weakness"

I'm not sure,  but maybe Paul's prayers were much like mine

"God please take "this" away.  How am I supposed to minister to your churches?"

"How am I supposed to do all that You have asked me to do with "this" tormenting me?"

I guess God saw Paul's (and my) situation a little differently than we did

"I think, if only I had sleep then I could..............."

God says

"Christina, sleep isn't the golden ticket that you are looking for, My Grace is all you need"

Paul, freedom from this tormenting thorn in your flesh, isn't the answer for you... My grace is all you need"

"My Power works best in your weakness"

Man, that statement is so hard for me to wrap my head around

It seems very counter-culture

Counter-everything I believe, actually

In fact, I don't even know how to receive this statement into my conscious thinking

His Grace is all I need

His Power works best in my weakness

Another one of Jeanette's paintings

The truth is

I have really battled insomnia for about a year and a half

Ever since I came off of a high dose of medication that I was on for about 8 years

Those years on medication

I would sleep 8-10 hours a night (Wow.. the thought makes me smile)

During the day, I would hardly sit long enough to catch a breath

I was out and about and every where in between

Busy busy busy 

All the time!

This past year and a half has been a great big life change for me

My nights and days look very different now

For one

My hours of sleep have dwindled drastically

Which means instead of doing ten different things in my day, all over the place

I spend alot more time at home

I spend alot more time resting

And

Writing

I could never sit still long enough to write out my thoughts before

This blog would not exist, had I not gone searching and wrestling with this "thorn" of mine

I have been made aware of so many fears and anxieties I carry

And instead of running around and distracting myself, as I once did

I have joined God in a journey of healing

I have a greater sense of Peace as a person

Maybe because to not have peace, would require energy that I can no longer conjure up

Time has become even more precious

Quality vs Quantity

I have come face to face with my humanness

Not being able to do everything

Oh the tears upon tears that were shed as I said my first, second, third, tenth

"No, I'm sorry, I can't"

Trevor, just holding me as I sob, baffled and so utterly lost as to what is happening

This insomnia has been hard on my pride

I actually don't have it all together

I actually can't do everything

Even half of everything

I can not be everyones

Even someones

Even my own

Savior

God knows..... I still try

I have actually never gotten so up close and personal with my own desperate need for God

Even to just get through the day

I need Him to Love my husband, when everything inside me wants Trevor to fill and comfort me, endlessly

I need God to hold me and speak to me when I feel as if in my own weakness

I have failed and let the whole world down

I need Him to do the most basic thing in life.......

Sleep

Sleep isn't what I  need from God

His Grace is all I need

For his Power works best in my weakness

Will I always have insomnia?

I don't think so

God says, He gives His beloved sleep

His will is that when I lay down, my sleep will be sweet

I don't even think that God is causing it, or has inflicted me.. nothing like that!

That not what He's like

To be honest

I have no idea why this has happened?

I do know one thing though

When I have been well rested and full of energy, in the past

I tended to carry a whole heck of alot of life on my own

Picking up more things, projects, people and stuff everyday

I lived like the Energizer Bunny

Yet

Unknowingly disconnected from God

From my life source

When the day comes that I am sleeping 9 hours every night

(I say 9 because I want to make up for this year from h***!)

When I feel Healthy and Strong

Full of Life and Energy

When my Mind is clear and Vision crisp

I don't want to go back to the way I was

Running here and there and everywhere in between

I want to stay connected to God 

I want to still need Him for everything

For life

Like I do now

These past few years of sleeplessness have not been pleasant

Far from

But

In all my struggle

All the questions

As I write out my heart this morning

Eyes burning

Throat scratchy

Head throbbing a little

Fear and doubt nattering at me somewhere in between

I feel weary

As I look ahead to full Christmas week family celebration ahead of me

Wonder, "How the heck are you gonna do this Christina?"

I'm going to write out my Father's words to me this morning

"Chrissy, My Grace is all you need for this week ahead, for My Power works best in your own weariness and weakness"

It may not mean that He will give me the Grace and Power to busily attend every single event, connect with every person, or join every late night get-together..... 

I do know that He will give me Wisdom with my time and energy

I've learned to trust that about Him, these past years

Lead me by his Spirit, and show me the very best way to walk 

Teach me when to go

When to rest

When to listen and when to speak

What is His will and what is my own

Oh I am over come with Thankfulness this morning as I think about the lessons I have learned through through these hard years, and sleepless nights

I am learning more and more, to listen for my Father and seek His will for me

Learning to search for His Life in everything I endeavour to do

I'm actually going to go back to bed right now.... 

It's Christmas Eve And Trevor has the day off

Thanks for listening to my pages of processing

You may not struggle with Insomnia

Maybe you have another thorn?

Maybe you don't

My prayer

Is that you would find a glimpse of yourself in my words

My heart and life 

And find Much Hope

Merry Christmas Friends

Home For The Holidays

This was a guest post I did for my church
However
 For all my  Beautiful Mercy Sisters
I cannot shake the feeling like I need to post this on here 
A thought that someone needs to read this

Home

I remember listening to a Pastor preaching a sermon on HOME.  Telling his childhood recollections of HOME being his very favourite place on earth.  HOME was the safest place to be fully and completely himself, fully and completely loved.  He could walk through the door, let loose, take his shoes off, maybe undo a his belt a notch, put his feet up, relax, and let all the cares of the outside world roll off his shoulders.

As I listened, I remember laughing (until my stomach hurt) at his hilarious childhood stories of HOME, but at the same time, deep down in my heart, feeling really sad because it had been a long time since I had experienced HOME like that.

Sometimes our childhood experiences of walking through the front door of HOME were  quite different.  I know it was not always my favourite place on earth. There were times when I walked through my front door slowly, worrying what I might walk into.  Wondering if it would be a good night or a bad one.  Instead of letting loose, putting my feet up and relaxing, there were days and years when being HOME meant more stress than being anywhere else.

I remember this Pastor telling us how he could hardly stand the excitement, waiting to get HOME for the holidays.

I’m not quite feeling that same longing of his, this year

I have to tell you, though, last Sunday, Trevor and I were racing out the door with 15 minutes to get to church (I take full responsibility for the rush as I was having a dilemma between two equally wonderful pairs of shoes…. This small choice of shoes had become a life or death decision…)

Anyway, I was getting unusually annoyed as we made our way down Deerfoot, getting stuck behind Mr. Slowy-McSlowerson in the Civic, then hitting every single red light on Anderson… Seriously! (Usually I am the more diplomatic one on the road… “Trevor, I’m sure that man just cut us off because his wife is in labour, and they are en route to the hospital!”)

Not today, I am on the edge of my seat, keeping my fingers squeezed tightly in a ball, to endure one doesn’t find its way out to wave at Mr. McSlowerson as we finally blow past him. (Maybe I shouldn’t have shared that part.)

As we pull into the parking lot, I open my door… before the truck has come to a complete stop (I know!  What is with me today??)

I jump out, slightly stumbling to find my footing on the still moving ground (Okay, that part is a joke. I’m not that crazy)

I do, however, bolt for the church door, calling over my shoulder to Trev

“ I’m going to run, babe.  I’ll save you a spot!”

“Okay”, he yells back, cramming the rest of a pancake in his mouth

I open the front door to hear the band already in symphony, accompanied by the beautiful sound of many voices.  

I turn the corner, see that the house is jam-packed full.  

I linger in the doorway and breathe in the warm presence that fills the atmosphere.  

Spotting some empty seats, I briskly squeeze my way into the row, rip off my coat, chuck my purse under the chair, and without even having to think, my arms fall up in the air, as all the burdens from my week roll off onto the ground. 

The corners of my mouth begin to do this strange curving thing, and before I know it….. Ha Ha! I’m smiling, and clapping!

My body is swaying with a mind of its own, and I’m suddenly bumping into the shoulders of both people on either side as the music takes over and I move from side to side. (Yes, I am that person! Is it just me, or is it absolutely torturous to be sardined in the middle of a row during worship!)

In this moment, it all becomes clear to me. 

All the angst, I was feeling on the drive to church.

 All the frustration with Slowy McSlowerson.

 The absolute lack of caution I displayed by exiting a moving vehicle…

 Not to mention sprinting over the ice rink in kitten heels!

As my arms are extended and face locked on Heaven, everything crystallises in my mind, as I realize,  I could hardly stand the wait because....…

I was coming HOME!

I could have cried! (Okay, I did cry)  How could I not, when all of a sudden, I realize that I belong somewhere, and I can hear the voice of my Father saying,

 “Take your shoes off Chrissy (Great choice on the gold sparkly ones, by the way!”)  “It’s time to let loose daughter, because you are HOME

As I open my eyes, tears trickling down, I realize that I have a whole family, some of you I don’t even know.  I don’t have to, though, because we are all at HOME with our Father.

I don’t know what your experience of HOME has been.  Maybe you have amazing, hilarious, heart-warming memories, like the Pastor did, and that is so wonderful!!! 

Or, maybe like so many of us, HOME has been for you, a place where there has been some hurt, tension, and stress, a place where you couldn't always be your true self.  Maybe this is especially true for you as the holidays approach.

Whichever HOME you had, I hear the Father, inviting you…

Yes, You!

I see Him burst through the front door of the house, run down the stairs to meet you as you make your way up the sidewalk. 

His eyes shining wildly, His smile beaming. 

I see Him open His arms, wrapping them around you, and squeezing you so tight you think you might burst.

I even see your feet dangling, two inches off the ground, your face looking a bit stunned at His excited display of emotion toward you. You just dangle there, stiff as a board. 

You have no choice.

I watch Him grin at your awkwardness and excitedly whisper into your ear, “I’m so glad you are here!”

He opens the door and you slide past him, hit with the cozy warmth of the house. 

The smell of something sweet in the air permeates your senses. 

You can see the glow of the fireplace, and the twinkle of the tree lights across the house.

You take a deep breath, all the way to your deepest parts and slowly exhale everything from inside.

He places His hand around your shoulder, pulling you right close.

“Let Me take all of that heaviness you picked up this week.”

“I’ll take that coat of guilt and shame.” “Put those shoes of busyness and worry on the shelf.” 

“I’ll hang that hat of stress, for you”

“Take a load off, and just to let you know, you’ll be undoing that belt a notch, once you finish the feast I prepared for you!”

“You are free to be yourself here, child.”  “Free to be fully you in my presence!”

“There is a place for you, here in my heart.” “Come sit down, put those tired feet up, and tell me what you’ve been up to.” He says as he places a, piping hot, peppermint mocha in your hands.

“Welcome Home Child, I am so happy you are here”

Perfect Love Is Here. I Can Feel Him As I Write

Perfect Love casts out all fear

 For fear has to do with punishment

 The one who fears is not made Perfect in Love

Fear torments me
I'm not kidding
Fear steals my rest
My sleep
My Peace

I realize that there are reasons why I fear
There are past hurts and traumas in my life
That have given the enemy hooks
Weaknesses that he preys upon
And torments me with in my 31 year old life today

I am going through a process today
To take the word of God like a Balm
Apply it to this unslept, chaotic fearful heart of mine

Maybe you need to go through this process too?
Maybe the ways fear torments you is different than me?
Maybe its not

If anyone
Anyone
Needs the ointment of 
Perfect Love, right now
It's me
And maybe you.....?



Perfect Love is here
I can feel Him as I write

Perfect Love 

Is

The quietness in the morning

My still pond oasis hidden amidst busy car engine streets
And cookie cutter houses

I can trust Perfect Love to be there when I wake up
I will never be left to face a day alone.........
Ever 

Perfect Love stays with me through today's ups and downs 

 The busyness

The unexpected

At night, when all the things I did wrong

 Or not quite good enough

All the ways I didn't measure up 

Are attaching to my mind like a vice grip

Perfect love is there, and sees the good

The very best in me

Familiar words of failure whisper my lack
As a wife, a friend, a daughter, a woman, a Christian, a role model
Perfect Love whispers back
"Oh, but you are Loved child, and you belong to me" 
"From head to toe, you are covered in My Grace"

 Perfect Love looks for the good that is in my heart

Perfect Love doesn't leave me to fend for myself

  To figure out life alone

  Perfect Love likes to teach me everything it knows

 Perfect Love lets me crack the eggs and stir

Even if I keep dropping shells in and leave lumps... 

Perfect Love sees a baker in me

Perfect Love listens when I talk about my day
Like really listens

 When I open my heart to Perfect Love, it sees it as precious
A flower

 My heart is secure in the gentle hands of Perfect Love

Perfect Love sees me

 He knows the little things (It's always the little things with me) that make my heart swell

 He loves to make me smile

Perfect Love doesn't want anything from me, but my smile and delight

Perfect Love thinks I'm beautiful

When I'm quiet

 When I dream

 When the ideas come and pile on top of me till I can't move

And I'm stuck

Perfect Love believes in me

Perfect Love tells me I can, against all odds

When I say "I don't know how.  I can't.  I'm scared.  What if I fail?  What if You leave me, and I have to figure it out alone?"

Perfect Love reminds me that there is a greater one on the inside of me

Who possesses the qualities that I don't

Who has the answers that I need, the strength, the perseverance

Perfect Love gives

 It's His Joy to give to me
 Fill me

 Perfect Love does not run out of steam or burn out

Or have His own problems to tend to

  Perfect Love is my constant supply

I can lean on Perfect Love

  He doesn't change from day to day

 My mood never causes Him to change, or back away

Or take His Love back a little

Perfect Love is stable, and steady

 I can put some weight on Him

Perfect love doesn't look like anything I have seen before

  I can't compare it

I can only imagine it

Perfect love is not weather permitting, or based on my goodness

Perfect Love always welcomes me

 Perfect Love has no shortage of hugs, and sweet kisses

  Perfect Love doesn't wonder why I am crying... again

  Perfect Love isn't disappointed, or wish I was doing more

Perfect Love is pleased with me

Perfect Love is okay if I stay in His arms all day 

Perfect Love is okay if I get distracted and forget about those arms.... 

They will be there when I need them again

Perfect Love sees this day ahead of me
This one I am a little scared I cannot handle

My prayer is that Perfect Love
Will seep into the deepest places of my heart today

Oh what it would look like for us to fully receive
Fully soak up everything that Perfect Love offers us
Be transformed into everything that Perfect Love has made us

We might actually be so light
 We could fly

Just Pick A Word From The Long List Of Shalom

I've heard the word Shalom lately, in a few different places...  I knew it meant Peace (In Hebrew) but my eyes have been recently opened to it's meaning at such a larger level, and I find myself drawn to the word and curiously thinking about it.

According to Strong's Concordance
 Shalom (actually) means...........

Completeness

 Wholeness

Health

Peace

 Welfare

 Safety

 Soundness

 Tranquillity

 Prosperity

 Perfectness

 Fullness

 Rest

 Harmony

 The Absence of Agitation or Discord

By our BC Home

Jesus Said:  

 "Peace (Shalom) I (Jesus) leave with you; 

My own Peace (Shalom)

 I now give  to you

Not as the world gives do I give to you

 Do not let your hearts be troubled

 Neither let them be afraid"

 [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]

Trevor enjoying an ocean view.. Life in BC

Jesus leaves His own Shalom with us

Today, just pick a word from the long list that His Shalom offers us

What is it that you are needing today?

On the ferry to Naniamo

I could use some Rest and Peace today

Deep deep down 

Where fingers can't go, where chocolate can't reach

In the deep turmoil of my heart that I can't seem to calm in my own efforts

I need His Shalom today

So I don't run all over the place, from distraction to distraction

Trying to make myself forget the storm inside

Glenmore Reservoir with friends

Be still, Christina, and know that I am God

Lovely painting by my friend Jeanette

XOXOXO