Those Early Morning Rays Through My "Black Out Blinds"

I'm

Wide awake

Watching the hours pass by

I thought I did everything right tonight

Today

No caffeine

Relaxing before bed

Giving all my cares and worries to God

Still

Here I am 

5:30 AM

I've seen another night through 

And the days ahead are jam packed full

As far ahead as I can see

This is the point, in my battle with insomnia, that I find myself in the middle of right now

Where I am tempted to lose hope in God

Tempted to blame myself

Look on every sleep website

Read every article

Try every remedy known to man

Again

Go around this mountain of endless struggle one more time

I just need to sleep!!!!!!

Seriously!

What am I missing here??

Is there some simple magic trick that I am missing that will cause me to blissfully close my eyes at 10

Only opening again with those early morning rays through my

 "black out blinds"

Or is it a huge intimidating arithmetic equation that I will have to pour hours of sweat and blood over to finally solve the problem?

As I lay in bed tonight

I was thinking about Paul in the bible

He said 

"To keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh"

He asked God to take the "Thorn in his flesh" away from him

(Mystery of Mysteries.... What was that thorn of his?????????)

Paul did not just ask God, either... He pleaded with Him

Man.... Have I ever done some pleading over this sleep thing!

"God, how am I supposed to survive on this little sleep?"

"How am I supposed to get through the week?"

"Do the school work for the program I thought You wanted me to sign up for?"

"What about my husband, my house, meals, friends, family...... Life!?"

"Please God, Help me sleep!!"

Three times, Paul pleaded with the Lord

Begged Him to take it away

Each time the Lord said

"My Grace is all you need

My Power works best in weakness"

I'm not sure,  but maybe Paul's prayers were much like mine

"God please take "this" away.  How am I supposed to minister to your churches?"

"How am I supposed to do all that You have asked me to do with "this" tormenting me?"

I guess God saw Paul's (and my) situation a little differently than we did

"I think, if only I had sleep then I could..............."

God says

"Christina, sleep isn't the golden ticket that you are looking for, My Grace is all you need"

Paul, freedom from this tormenting thorn in your flesh, isn't the answer for you... My grace is all you need"

"My Power works best in your weakness"

Man, that statement is so hard for me to wrap my head around

It seems very counter-culture

Counter-everything I believe, actually

In fact, I don't even know how to receive this statement into my conscious thinking

His Grace is all I need

His Power works best in my weakness

Another one of Jeanette's paintings

The truth is

I have really battled insomnia for about a year and a half

Ever since I came off of a high dose of medication that I was on for about 8 years

Those years on medication

I would sleep 8-10 hours a night (Wow.. the thought makes me smile)

During the day, I would hardly sit long enough to catch a breath

I was out and about and every where in between

Busy busy busy 

All the time!

This past year and a half has been a great big life change for me

My nights and days look very different now

For one

My hours of sleep have dwindled drastically

Which means instead of doing ten different things in my day, all over the place

I spend alot more time at home

I spend alot more time resting

And

Writing

I could never sit still long enough to write out my thoughts before

This blog would not exist, had I not gone searching and wrestling with this "thorn" of mine

I have been made aware of so many fears and anxieties I carry

And instead of running around and distracting myself, as I once did

I have joined God in a journey of healing

I have a greater sense of Peace as a person

Maybe because to not have peace, would require energy that I can no longer conjure up

Time has become even more precious

Quality vs Quantity

I have come face to face with my humanness

Not being able to do everything

Oh the tears upon tears that were shed as I said my first, second, third, tenth

"No, I'm sorry, I can't"

Trevor, just holding me as I sob, baffled and so utterly lost as to what is happening

This insomnia has been hard on my pride

I actually don't have it all together

I actually can't do everything

Even half of everything

I can not be everyones

Even someones

Even my own

Savior

God knows..... I still try

I have actually never gotten so up close and personal with my own desperate need for God

Even to just get through the day

I need Him to Love my husband, when everything inside me wants Trevor to fill and comfort me, endlessly

I need God to hold me and speak to me when I feel as if in my own weakness

I have failed and let the whole world down

I need Him to do the most basic thing in life.......

Sleep

Sleep isn't what I  need from God

His Grace is all I need

For his Power works best in my weakness

Will I always have insomnia?

I don't think so

God says, He gives His beloved sleep

His will is that when I lay down, my sleep will be sweet

I don't even think that God is causing it, or has inflicted me.. nothing like that!

That not what He's like

To be honest

I have no idea why this has happened?

I do know one thing though

When I have been well rested and full of energy, in the past

I tended to carry a whole heck of alot of life on my own

Picking up more things, projects, people and stuff everyday

I lived like the Energizer Bunny

Yet

Unknowingly disconnected from God

From my life source

When the day comes that I am sleeping 9 hours every night

(I say 9 because I want to make up for this year from h***!)

When I feel Healthy and Strong

Full of Life and Energy

When my Mind is clear and Vision crisp

I don't want to go back to the way I was

Running here and there and everywhere in between

I want to stay connected to God 

I want to still need Him for everything

For life

Like I do now

These past few years of sleeplessness have not been pleasant

Far from

But

In all my struggle

All the questions

As I write out my heart this morning

Eyes burning

Throat scratchy

Head throbbing a little

Fear and doubt nattering at me somewhere in between

I feel weary

As I look ahead to full Christmas week family celebration ahead of me

Wonder, "How the heck are you gonna do this Christina?"

I'm going to write out my Father's words to me this morning

"Chrissy, My Grace is all you need for this week ahead, for My Power works best in your own weariness and weakness"

It may not mean that He will give me the Grace and Power to busily attend every single event, connect with every person, or join every late night get-together..... 

I do know that He will give me Wisdom with my time and energy

I've learned to trust that about Him, these past years

Lead me by his Spirit, and show me the very best way to walk 

Teach me when to go

When to rest

When to listen and when to speak

What is His will and what is my own

Oh I am over come with Thankfulness this morning as I think about the lessons I have learned through through these hard years, and sleepless nights

I am learning more and more, to listen for my Father and seek His will for me

Learning to search for His Life in everything I endeavour to do

I'm actually going to go back to bed right now.... 

It's Christmas Eve And Trevor has the day off

Thanks for listening to my pages of processing

You may not struggle with Insomnia

Maybe you have another thorn?

Maybe you don't

My prayer

Is that you would find a glimpse of yourself in my words

My heart and life 

And find Much Hope

Merry Christmas Friends