Love Notes

I woke up yesterday morning to a note from Trevor on the kitchen counter. A sticky from him is not out of the ordinary, but I was so surprised and touched when I read it because he had gotten very little sleep the night before (and mornings are not his happiest times on normal days), his usual lovingly made lunch was nonexistent this morning, which left him rushing to put something together himself.  In all his lateness and hurry, though,  he took the time to tell me how much he loved me and was excited to come home to me!..............  Love Note.

Went for a jog,  I was on my way home when, on the other side of the road,  I saw a pile of junk (to take for free) outside one of the mansions on my route. I was just gonna keep going by.... (like Trevor would want me to)....... I just couldn't resist getting a closer look (My dad would be proud).  There were some old chairs, and tables, and a basket....... what was in the basket you ask?......... Jewlery.  Not just a little bit either, lots and lots of costume jewlery, most still with the tags on!!
I rummaged through and picked out an huge handful............... Love Note

Also, I was visiting my mother in law on the weekend, and she gave me some of her old jewlery (which she made most of).......... Love Note

Sooo, these are my two day findings..... Price tag $0.00

Sweet!

I had to walk the rest of the way home cuz I was so loaded up with my finds.  I think I was grinning ear to ear, and must have looked so silly, but I didn't care.  It was such a love note from God.
I also stopped and picked these flowers (weeds?) in the ditch.

I love to look at fresh flowers on my table while I eat breakfast....... Love Note

That was yesterday.........

Today,

I went for a walk/jog in Campbell Valley Park, which is becoming one of my favorite places here.
It was another morning of unexpected love notes from God............

I had just parked, getting my I pod ready, shoes tied, when my friend Karlie texted me this picture...

Man, she had no idea just how much I needed to see this picture and read those truths this morning.  This weekend, I weighed myself.... for the first time since Mercy.  I wish I hadn't (of course) now, because I have gained a few pounds.... 5 to be exact.  I have been trying to not dwell on it, trying to tell myself that I'm beautiful, healthy and strong, full of life and energy, trying to not let the number I saw influence my current choices (as far as diet and activity).  Although I'm trying, I'm not gonna lie, I feel the nagging fears of this becoming a pattern, and the heaviness of feeling like a failure.  I feel the weight, knowing that the 5 pounds has a lot to do with some careless food/sugary, creamy beverage selections in the past couple of weeks..... and the lack of exercise, as I have been so tired from sleepless nights that I have hardly done anything.....

This picture was a reminder to my heart this morning, that the number on the scale.. is just a number.  Christina, its just a stupid number! Its not who you are.  In the same breath, the choices you made in the past few weeks that don't mesh with the healthy lifestyle that you desire......... Christina, it's okay.  It's does not determine your future. You have the power to learn and choose differently. You are not a failure.  You are learning what works for you and what doesn't, and you are stretching these legs of freedom......... and I think God likes that.  In fact, I think it's beautiful to Him.
............ Love Note


I was like the only one in the park for awhile and it was stunning!  I had my Ipod in, but quickly decided to take it out so I could hear... the sounds of nature ... lol... sounds cheesy... but it was way better music this morning!

Here are some pictures I took.

........... Love Notes

This little guy followed me... forever... it was really cute.  After awhile, though, I started getting sketchy.  Remember in Jurassic Park 2, when that little girl was feeding those cute innocent little dinosaur things.. and everyone was thinking "aww.. isn't that nice" then they started attacking, and eventually devoured her. I couldn't get that out of my head and had to keep looking back to make sure he wasn't  going to come charging, attach to the back of my leg, and eat me alive!

The best part was finding wild Raspberries!  They are in our fridge now.  I'm saving them to try with Trevor.

............ Love Note

So there you have it.  

I'm so very thankful for moments and treasures like this in my day!

Two of my favorite quotes:

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it"

Confucius

"There are Flowers everywhere, for those who bother to look"

Henri Matisse

XOXO

Psalm 30:11

Okay, Wow….. I had a hard day yesterday.  A raw day.  A day of healing, really.  I cried a whole lot of tears yesterday, and my heart felt so heavy. 

I survived.  I always do.

Today is a new day. I slept better last night.  I woke up this morning, sat at the table and wrote my heart out to God, (still not feeling particularly close to Him) but realizing that if I don’t let Him in, and release all that junk to Him everyday, that I just end up looking for Him in other things, wandering, and running from Him all day…… I might as well just save everyone some time….

The verses in Isaiah 49 popped up randomly in my head.  To be honest, these verses have been really painful for me in the past, and I don’t voluntarily read them much.

:14 But Christina said “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me”

:15 God says “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast, and have no compassion on the child she has borne?”

….. K. Stop. This is where I don’t stop and cry, or have a pity party…. But inside, when I read this verse, there is a twinge of something…..  Hmmm, how can I explain? … Almost like a coldness over my heart.  I usually read it quickly and distantly, as if I don’t want the weight of the question to touch me, and I don’t want to look at how my life seems to bear the answer that Isaiah was positive would be a resounding NO…. "Obviously, a mother can never forget her child, are you kidding me, that’s impossible!!"

Ouch…….. And that is why I avoid this verse!

See, I’ve always made the best of my life, a lot of it being without my mom.  The few times I allow myself to go to that place of vulnerability and pain (like yesterday) I don’t stay there long, I pick myself back up and think of all the ways that God has made things better in my life, and all that He has given me.

I like that I’m like this.  It helps me to keep going, to keep looking forward. 

After yesterday, though, I realized that my avoiding answering Isaiah's question, as it rings true in my own life, has been, me, avoiding looking at this wound that may be infected and making a lot of areas around it really sore. 

Everyone has points of pain in their lives right?  So my parents got divorced (welcome to the modern world!)  So my mom is an alcoholic and left us.  The rest of the world seems to have pain (lots far more severe than mine) and move on.  Why can I not seem to move on?

When I was at Mercy, we had a lady come and Prophesy over each of us. Such an amazing gift that maybe happens a couple of times in anyone’s life (if that).  She knew absolutely nothing about any of us, leaving me astonished at the accuracy of the words she spoke to me from God.  I remember, at the time though,  being really pissed off at my prophesy.  It seemed like all the other girls’ were filled with awesome things that they were going to do in the future and mine went something like this (Only a part of what was spoken):

 Christina, The Lord is turning your Mourning into dancing.  Your sorrow into Joy.  He's giving you the garments of praise instead of the Spirit of heaviness.  Light is shining into every dark place inside of you.  He is removing the every place of grief and sorrow that has been over your life.  The Lord says "Daughter, I want you to know that there is a process of grief when bad things happen that is divinely ordained, but the enemy comes in and brings a Spirit of grief that wants to get you stuck and keep you from moving forward.  Daughter, you've found yourself caught in a place of grief.  For somethings you understood what you were grieving over, and somethings you didn't begin to understand what you were grieving over."  The Lord says, "Daughter, you experienced loss, and you sucked it up and went on.  Then you experienced even deeper loss, and then you sucked it up and went on.  You thought... well I'll just have to get over it.  Everyone else seems to get over it.  What's wrong with me that I can't get over it?  But daughter, you underestimated the depth of the trauma and the pain that you went through." says the Spirit of the Lord.  Even as some things happened that were out of your control, you felt like it "X'd" out a lot of the things that you hoped for in your own life, as far as family and future, and all the good things that I could have in store for you, and you started suddenly backing off and feeling like none of those things could ever be for you because grief had a hold of you and grief was holding you captive."  The Spirit of the Lord says "Daughter, I want you to know that I am A God that has come to set you free of grief.  And I am a God that has come to set you free of the sorrowful places in your heart.  Yes, you need to finish the grief process, and I'm even brining it to a close, so that the Joy of the Lord can begin to bubble up inside of you."

Now, although mine had some awesome future stuff too, toward the end.... I was stuck on this grief piece.….. and I was disappointed in God because I just want to get over my past crap.  I just want to forget that my mom left!  I just want to move on! And He’s saying “Christina, you need to finish grieving.”  God, I have been grieving for what seems like my whole life….. Can I not be done already!!!!

I have realized over the past few months that in order to get over my past, I’m going to have to “go there” with God, and allow Him to open me up….. all of me (even those parts I want to pretend don’t affect me anymore).  It has been a really painful season, but also a season that has allowed me to feel and sense the love of God like I had never before experienced.  I felt like a new person when I graduated Mercy, and I was pleased to be finally leaving my past behind (Mom wounds and all) and start living!

Man, this has not been my experience.  If anything, I feel like I am being opened up more.  I am crying more, and I am actually feeling this mom void for the first time. I’m noticing moms and daughters everywhere (I always have, but it seems worse now).  It seems like every movie I watch is about moms, or hearing stories about awesome moms.  It seems to be the most random unexpected things that cause the tears to well up.  Usually at the most embarrassing and inconvenient times too! Times when I really need to hold it together!  I would like to, once in my life, cry at the perfect time.  Not in funny movies, not when everyone else is laughing and having a gay old time, not when I've only known you for like 2 seconds, and not in super public places!  Is this too much to ask?  Really!

I’m so thankful, now, for the grief part of my prophesy. God knew exactly what I would need to hold onto in this next season.

I have listened to His words over and over and over… and over again.  I need to finish grieving.  He is bringing it to a close.  Joy is coming.  Joy is coming.  Joy is coming!!  When is the Joy coming God?

I think knowing that there will be an end to this sadness, that has been like a dark cloud over my head for years, has enabled me to let God in, and to let the hurt out instead of numbing or “positive word confessing” my way out. Which is a journey everyday…. I’m not saying I’m doing a great job or anything. Although, it’s allowed me to be real with my pain instead of trying to hide or act like everything is just dandy because hiding and pretending has gotten me nowhere at all.  In fact, its kept me stuck, and turned inward, isolated and alone. 

I have always wanted to run with all this passion inside. Never walk.... run. Since a little girl, I’ve been a dreamer.  I feel like I’ve tried my darndest to run, but I was wounded and had a limp.  I still tried to run, though, hopping my way along life, never wanting to miss a second, getting my injury looked at or taking the time to heal “I’m not that weak.  I’m good, see, I can make it!” 

Joyce Meyers talks about Shepherds.  She says that if a Shepherd has a lamb that keeps getting into trouble, disobeying and wandering off from the flock.  The Shepherd will actually break the little lamb’s legs so it can’t walk.  Then, the Shepherd will carry the lamb around his neck until its legs heal.  When the lamb is healed, after spending day and night around the Shepherd neck, listening to His voice, it will stay by the Shepherd, even though it can walk and run on its own now.  The lamb never wanders off again.

So powerful, and this story has resonated in my heart.  My legs were broken.  By life, by circumstances, by my own wandering off and foolish choices.  I feel like I have spent the last year around the Shepherd’s neck, healing.  Maybe I’m still there?  Maybe, my legs are fixed and I just don’t realize it?  Either way, there is a trust that has formed with my Shepherd.  I have been lovingly broken by Him, carried on His huge strong shoulders, heard His tender voice, learned His heart more, and watched Him tend to His other sheep so graciously, even as I struggled/struggle in discomfort,  there is not one part of me that ever wants to leave His side now…. Not ever!  I am so in love with Him and I can trust Him with my heart.

This is why I feel safe to open my heart to Him.  I’m learning that every time I choose to let Him in, He brings healing, more hope, and I see Him a little more clearly.   

There is a Laura Woodly Song called “In the Light”

There is a line in it that says “And now she’s always by His side.  She stays in His arms day and night”

This is my line.  This is the song of my heart. (I actually want to get it tattooed somewhere.... maybe?)  I never want to be far away from Him.  I want to live my entire life close to Him.  He saved me!  He rescued me from myself!  What a Good Shepherd!

Here is the song, if you want to listen.

So, When I came on here to write........ this is not at all what I intended to write.... seriously....I wanted to write about something different today, something not so "down in the dumps" I was actually going to post some pictures of some new clothes I found at thrift stores that I am super excited about..... I'm really struggling being in this place.  I'm not always so deep and dark...... and I have never been deep and dark out in the open.  Its sooo scary! I actually don't even like thinking about all that I have written over these past 2 months...... makes me want to delete everything! 

So, today,  I was planning to share another side of me, a lighter side.... but I guess God had other plans.  Oh well.... there's always another day to share my Amazing new finds!!

XOXO

Has Anyone Seen My Mom?

Mom,

I really needed you today. 

 I’ve really needed you for a long time.

  I never showed you that I needed you when I was growing up… when you still lived with us.  The truth is, you never seemed like someone that I could need, someone that I could really rely on, or look to.

 I didn’t know what I was missing, in a sense. 

 It was normal for me to figure life out on my own, normal for me to fix things myself, problem solve, encourage myself. 

I’ve been having a hard week.

 A week where I feel so weak, and so lost….. seriously lost mom. 

 This is a really weird place for me to be in.

  Although I feel like I’ve never really known my purpose here on earth, to the point where I pursue ONE thing

 I have always had ambition, a hope to find my purpose.

 A longing to do something with my life that makes a difference, that pleases God. 

 Lately, I feel like I’m exploding with possible ideas that I think could be my purpose…..

 Nothing is really new with this picture, though.

  As Trevor would say, when I excitedly tell him my newest idea, “Well, lets just sit on that and wait and see where it goes” And usually, the excitement only lasts for two days and then I am onto the next new thing… Never really finding that one thing that fills my heart with purpose.

Mom, I don’t even know what I am good at, do you know that? 

 What do you think I’m good at?

  I wish you were here to tell me. 

 I wish you would have told me mom.

  I’ve been looking desperately for years, and I can’t seem to find it. 

 I feel like I’m running out of time, I’m almost 30 and I’m still searching for the same things I was when I was 13.

Mom, I see all these other girls, most are younger than me, successful, confident, beautiful, running after their dreams and passions…..

 Man, does it ever make me jealous. 

 I am about ready to give up on ever living a life like that. 

I needed you today. 

 I haven’t slept for like a week. 

 I’m not sure what’s going on with me. 

 The counselor suggested that I get more routine in my day, try eating more, and exercising more.

  Sounds easy right?  Its not.

 I feel really alone in this.

  Where were you today when my head was pounding, my eyes aching?

  Where were you when I felt so overwhelmed because I seem to be doing everything wrong… Everything, mom. 

 Things that should be really simple in life, like eating and exercising, sleeping…

 How am I even supposed to get a job, or pursue anything when I feel like my simple, simple life is swallowing me up whole?

I wanted to call you today.

  I wanted to go out for coffee.

  I wanted to pour out my heart to you. 

 I wanted you to listen, to tilt your head to the side, to look at me lovingly with your big blue beautiful caring eyes that resemble so much

The ones I look at in the mirror everyday. 

 I wanted you to reach across the table, take my small hand in both of your even smaller hands, run your thumb across my skin.

  I wanted you to see into my heart, like I’ve seen you do with so many people, and speak to the questions

  I wanted you to see me, to see someone bigger in me.

  I wanted you to look past it all, and tell me who I am. 

 Who am I mom?

I’ve tried to be so many women. 

 I’ve tried to be confident.

 I’ve tried to find myself in fashion, in beauty, in helping others.

  I’ve tried to find myself in being a good wife, no, the best wife, the most confident, talented and outgoing, the sweetest, the best dressed and most beautiful in the room.

 I usually just end up backing off as I look around time and again at hundreds of women that I could never measure up to.

So, when I can’t conjure this “woman” up, or when I am obviously at the bottom of the barrel.  When I’m so drained and tired from holding up the heavy burden of being

 I hide in busyness, I hide in plans to improve myself. 

 I hide at home, cleaning, organizing, I hide in pouring out, keeping the focus off of myself, striving to do the right thing. 

Maybe I’ll feel better if I do everything excellent and perfect.

 The race, to become this capable woman who can do it all.

 Who is untouchable. 

 And when I’m even more exhausted and worn out from my running around

 I hide in bed. I hide in.

 “Don’t talk to me, don’t ask anything of me.” 

 I hide in trying to comfort myself, my discouraged heart. 

I hide away with God.

  Lately, I can’t feel him either, Mom.

  He feels so far away.  I know he is here with me.

  I know that, but I don’t know what he is doing? I feel so out of control, and that really scares me.

I went out for coffee alone.

  I debated calling someone, but I didn’t know who to call that I could be real with.

  Helen is away (I face booked her yesterday, sharing some of my distresses)

  Loretta is preparing for her daughters wedding  (I didn’t want to bother her, she has her own daughter who needs her right now)

I debated calling Trevor’s mom (Its hard for me to let her see me weak, I don’t want her to feel awkward and feel like she has to help me)… 

Mostly I’m just scared that she will not know what to do with this needy Christina. 

 I thought about calling Mercy staff .

  I feel too scared, and they are so busy. 

 There are other girls who need their attention more than me right now.

  A woman from church gave me her number yesterday.

  She said to call her if I ever wanted to go for a walk, she lives in my area.

   I thought about calling her, but I can’t just dump on her when we don’t even know each other.  (Talk about a horrible first impression!)  

I'm sure that any one of these women, who possess the heart of God,  would have welcomed my tears, offered words of comfort and a listening ear.

I really just wanted my own mom. 

 I wanted you.

  Where were you?

  Isn’t that what a mom does?

  She comes and helps, and listens when her daughter needs her.

 She gives advice and encourages.

  She reminds her daughter who she is when she forgets.

 I’ve forgotten mom. 

Or did I ever really know? 

 I really can’t see. 

 I need your eyes. 

I wish you could hug me

 Not the brief kind you get from everyone at church on Sunday.

  I wish you would wrap your arms around me…. all the way around me.

 I could lay my head on your chest, comfortable and safe while you stroke my hair

 Which is so much longer than when I saw you last.

  I wish you would pray with me, and read the bible with me, speak those beautiful words of Truth right to my heart and over my upside down life. 

I’m really lonely mom.

I don’t want to be ungrateful, God has surrounded me with some amazing women of God and I feel very blessed to sit at their feet and learn. 

It’s hard to let any of them really know me, see me. 

 It’s hard to trust that any of them want to.

  That was what you were supposed to do.

  All of these women have their own daughters, mom. 

 I don’t fit in, I don’t belong anywhere but with you, and your not here. 

 So I’m alone.

I guess I wasn’t completely alone at Tim Horton’s. 

 I think God knew that I needed a momma today.

  Before I left the house I had a thought to bring this book that I got at Mercy with words of encouragement for the Mercy girls from various sources.

In the back, were letters from some of the women who I have listened, watched and learned from in the past year.

 I read the words as if it were you speaking to my heart, as if you had been across from me and I had just cried on your shoulder and asked you to carry this heavy burden with me.

Big tears fell as I read your words written by Lisa Bevere.  

They went something like this:

Christina, You are safe.

  You are Loved.

  You are believed in.

  You are watched out for and you are necessary. 

 I am cheering you on. 

I realize that you may think that you have failed.

  Well, that is just not true my dear.

  You have not failed.

 You are so loved.

God says, I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to me.

God has captured your attention for a season.

  What a gift.  What an opportunity.

  Allow Him to love you in this season and place.

  Let the Love of Christ the anointed one invade your being. 

 Christina, don’t only open the areas of your life where or when you think you deserve this Love, 

but open every area at all times.  

He has……..

Rescued you from the trampling boot, His Love never quits.

  He takes care of you in time of need.

  His Love never quits.  Thank God, who did it all!

 His Love never quits! 

Psalm 136

Your provision is already in place.

  Honey, you have been invited into a season and environment where God seeds within you will have an opportunity to flourish.

Christina, seeds don’t worry what they will be or if they will succeed;

 they understand that if the conditions are right the life and beauty within will come forth.

You are neither grounded or in an extended “time out.”

  This is your time apart, your season to flourish. 

 This is not your time to try once again to be “good”

 this is your time to be God’s.

Christina, you might not fully realize it,

 but there is something very special, very unique about you.

  There is also something within that is frightening. 

 Fear you have known, but I am not speaking of your fear.

  There is something within you that is terrifying to the enemy of your soul.

  Why else has he worked so hard to distract and distort.

Love…… Trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back

 but keeps going to the end.  

1Corinthians 13

What is behind you, Christina, doesn’t matter because your past is not your future! 

 Your future is yet to be revealed, a story written with Hope and Promise.

I know what I am doing. 

 I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

 Jeremiah 29

Honey, you don’t have to figure it all out. 

 God already has it well underway.

  Rest in this, press into Him, Lovely Daughter,

 Let Jesus love you into wholeness.

Love, Mom (Through Lisa Bevere)

I’m sorry that you couldn’t have physically been with me today, mom.

 God has me though. 

 I even believe that you wanted to be with me, maybe even more than I wanted you there. 

 I believe that you are coming back. 

 Once I didn’t care, but I can’t completely lose hope for you.  

For us. 

 Until then, I will keep running to my father God. 

 Thus far, He has been faithful to bring me what and who I need, right in my most desperate moments.

I know He will keep providing. 

 I really Love Him, mom. 

 He’s been so good to me, and He’s changing me. 

 I know He has my heart and I believe that He’s gonna make me into this woman that I long to be, but can’t quite make myself into.

It was good to talk to you.  

It was so good to spend this time with you.

 I’ve missed you.

Love, 

Chrissy

xoxoxo

Get Out of My Life!

She is Clothed with Strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Proverbs 31:25

A life verse for me I think........  

 I want words like  panick, stress, insecurity, dread, scared, and worry to be words that neither I, nor anyone else would associate with me.  Questions like "What would I do if?" "Can you imagine what would happen if?"  to be out of my vocabulary and thought process.

I want fear out of my life.  I want it out from the foundations of my motives.  I want fear out of my marriage, out of my relationships, out of my decisions.

I've been listening a lot to Beth Moore Lately, Because I know that she has overcome a lot of Fear in her own life.  I feel like I can really relate with her, and I am learning so much.

She will have no fear of bad news

She confidently Trusts in the Lord to care for her

Her heart is secure

She is confident and fearless

In the end, she will look in triumph on her foes

Psalm 112:7&8 (NIV &NLT)

Its that fear of the bad news that gets me.  and its not just the tragedy bad news that I fear.  Its the big and the small bad news.  Its the ten years down the road and the 5 minutes away bad news.  

I am realizing that fear is at the root of every negative thing in my life, and at the foundation of the way I live a lot of my life.  

What am I so afraid of?

1. Being hurt.  I am terrified of it.  I avoid it t all costs.  If I feel the slightest amount of hurt I want to make it go away.  I fear that I would not survive another heart break.

2. Being rejected.  I fear that if the real me were seen, my whole heart, my true thoughts and feelings that I would be detestable, unlovable, unwanted.

3.  I fear failing.  I fear stepping out and being shamed in front of everyone.  Ridiculed, mocked.

4.  I fear being alone.  Being abandoned by those who I would open my heart and my life up to.

5.  I fear not being in control.  Can I trust anyone else to take care of me?  Can I really rely on someone else?  

6.  I fear losing those I love or watching them go through hard times and pain and being helpless.

7.  I fear being forgotten.  I fear being so insignificant that I go unnoticed, unvalued, unseen, overlooked.  I fear being unimportant to anyone

8. I fear going back to my old life.  I fear that the choices I make would be far to powerful for God to fix or save me from.  I fear that He would give up on me.

 Mostly,  I fear that I am not strong enough in and of myself.   I fear any bad news the future may bring suddenly would be too much for me to handle, and I fear that I would callaps underneath the weight of it.... and I fear that God would forsake me...... and I would be utterly alone and defeated.

And these fears literally rule my life.  The What-if's? dominate my thoughts and control my decisions. 

Beth says that Fear does 2 things.  One, it makes me settle for things in the present that completely destroy abundant life.  This is so true for me.  How many times have I held back from something I am passionate about for fear of failing and being humiliated?  How many times have I withheld my excitement and love back from Trevor for fear of my heart being rejected? I've held in thoughts and feelings.  I've done things in moments of insecurity that make me shudder now.  I've given up, given in.  isolated myself, given my heart away.  I've settled for things that are less than God's best for me, God's gifts for me,  because I feared that there was nothing better for me, and all the choices I have made out of fear bear consequences to some degree.

The second thing that fear does is insult the Grace of God that will be piled up for me in heaps when hardship does come my way.  How many times have I lay awake at night with my mind rolling with worry and torment over the what if's, and strategizing what I can do to assure these things do not become a reality.  It is easy for me to picture myself in the pain and anguish, the destruction of the bad news, but I never seem to picture God with me, giving me strength, comforting me, helping me back up on my feet and making me stronger than ever.

A heart that is steadfast and Trusts in God goes past the question "What will I do if.....?" and allows God's words to be the Louder Voice. 

 God says,  No, Christina, What will I do if........?

I will Protect you and stretch out my hand against your enemies.  I will not abandon you or leave you alone.  I will complete my purpose in your life. (Psalm 138:7,8)

I will will work all things, every detail of your life into something good ( Romans 8:28 MSG)

I'll give you strength.  I'll help you.  I'll hold you steady and keep a firm grip on you. (Isaiah 41:10 MSG)

The battle is not yours but mine.  You will not even need to fight.  You will see my Victory.  I am with you. (2 Cor 20:15, 17 NLT)

I give you my weapons with divine power (2 Corinthians 10:4 NLT)

I will delight to show you Mercy and unfailing Love (Micah 7:18 NIV, NLT)

I will meet all your needs, according to My riches. (Philippians 4:19 NLT)

My Grace, favor and Loving kindness is all you need.  It is sufficient against danger and enables you to bear the trouble (2 Corinthins 12:9 AMP)

My Strength and Power are most effective when you are weak. (2Corinthians 12:9 AMP)

I will prepare a feast for you in the presence of your enemies.   I revive your drooping head and overflow your cup with blessing (Psalm 23:5 NLT, MSG)

I will do infinitely more than you could ever even ask or imagine through my mighty power that is at work within you. (Ephesians 3:20)

God:

What are you afraid of, Love?  Why are you so afraid to run with those things that I have placed in your heart?  They are yours.  They are a gift from me.  You are allowed to run.  Permission granted to be excited, to explore, to step out, to create.  Its in you, and its Me.  

You cannot fail, for I am so much bigger in you, than he that is in the world!

Me:

God, I'm so scared, and I don't even know where to go from here.  I feel like I'm bursting at the seems with a million different ideas..... I don't even know where to start.  I feel smothered in passion and overwhelmed by dreams and they all seem to be going in different directions..AHHHHH.... How do I step out if I have no idea what to step out into?  I have no training of any sort.  It seems like everything I am passionate about, there is someone out there who is skilled and trained and could do it a hundred times better than me!  I'll look like a fool.  Where do I get training I have more than one thing that I need to be trained in??  I need help.  

God:

Love, you are so worried about a lot of things, but only one thing is important.  Just wait, let Me connect the dots.  Allow Me to keep opening your heart and leading you.  Stop trying to figure everything out in your head.  Its not a natural thing, its a supernatural thing.  Just like I'm a God of Miracles who came into your life with a miraculous salvation.  I rescued you, from yourself.  Just like I did that.  I am a God of Miracles who is going to do for you what you have not been able to make happen yourself.  Can you trust me?  Can you move when I say move?  Step out when I tell you? You are not alone, I am speaking, I am growing you, I am connecting you.  I am teaching you.  I am for you!  I am for you!  I delight to give you the desires that I have placed in your heart.  They are for my purposes, and it is my commitment to see them come to pass in your life.  

I direct your paths.  I watch over your steps, they are ordered of me.

Me:

Abba, I need you right now.  I'm so tired. Help me to let You in.....