Has Anyone Seen My Mom?

Mom,

I really needed you today. 

 I’ve really needed you for a long time.

  I never showed you that I needed you when I was growing up… when you still lived with us.  The truth is, you never seemed like someone that I could need, someone that I could really rely on, or look to.

 I didn’t know what I was missing, in a sense. 

 It was normal for me to figure life out on my own, normal for me to fix things myself, problem solve, encourage myself. 

I’ve been having a hard week.

 A week where I feel so weak, and so lost….. seriously lost mom. 

 This is a really weird place for me to be in.

  Although I feel like I’ve never really known my purpose here on earth, to the point where I pursue ONE thing

 I have always had ambition, a hope to find my purpose.

 A longing to do something with my life that makes a difference, that pleases God. 

 Lately, I feel like I’m exploding with possible ideas that I think could be my purpose…..

 Nothing is really new with this picture, though.

  As Trevor would say, when I excitedly tell him my newest idea, “Well, lets just sit on that and wait and see where it goes” And usually, the excitement only lasts for two days and then I am onto the next new thing… Never really finding that one thing that fills my heart with purpose.

Mom, I don’t even know what I am good at, do you know that? 

 What do you think I’m good at?

  I wish you were here to tell me. 

 I wish you would have told me mom.

  I’ve been looking desperately for years, and I can’t seem to find it. 

 I feel like I’m running out of time, I’m almost 30 and I’m still searching for the same things I was when I was 13.

Mom, I see all these other girls, most are younger than me, successful, confident, beautiful, running after their dreams and passions…..

 Man, does it ever make me jealous. 

 I am about ready to give up on ever living a life like that. 

I needed you today. 

 I haven’t slept for like a week. 

 I’m not sure what’s going on with me. 

 The counselor suggested that I get more routine in my day, try eating more, and exercising more.

  Sounds easy right?  Its not.

 I feel really alone in this.

  Where were you today when my head was pounding, my eyes aching?

  Where were you when I felt so overwhelmed because I seem to be doing everything wrong… Everything, mom. 

 Things that should be really simple in life, like eating and exercising, sleeping…

 How am I even supposed to get a job, or pursue anything when I feel like my simple, simple life is swallowing me up whole?

I wanted to call you today.

  I wanted to go out for coffee.

  I wanted to pour out my heart to you. 

 I wanted you to listen, to tilt your head to the side, to look at me lovingly with your big blue beautiful caring eyes that resemble so much

The ones I look at in the mirror everyday. 

 I wanted you to reach across the table, take my small hand in both of your even smaller hands, run your thumb across my skin.

  I wanted you to see into my heart, like I’ve seen you do with so many people, and speak to the questions

  I wanted you to see me, to see someone bigger in me.

  I wanted you to look past it all, and tell me who I am. 

 Who am I mom?

I’ve tried to be so many women. 

 I’ve tried to be confident.

 I’ve tried to find myself in fashion, in beauty, in helping others.

  I’ve tried to find myself in being a good wife, no, the best wife, the most confident, talented and outgoing, the sweetest, the best dressed and most beautiful in the room.

 I usually just end up backing off as I look around time and again at hundreds of women that I could never measure up to.

So, when I can’t conjure this “woman” up, or when I am obviously at the bottom of the barrel.  When I’m so drained and tired from holding up the heavy burden of being

 I hide in busyness, I hide in plans to improve myself. 

 I hide at home, cleaning, organizing, I hide in pouring out, keeping the focus off of myself, striving to do the right thing. 

Maybe I’ll feel better if I do everything excellent and perfect.

 The race, to become this capable woman who can do it all.

 Who is untouchable. 

 And when I’m even more exhausted and worn out from my running around

 I hide in bed. I hide in.

 “Don’t talk to me, don’t ask anything of me.” 

 I hide in trying to comfort myself, my discouraged heart. 

I hide away with God.

  Lately, I can’t feel him either, Mom.

  He feels so far away.  I know he is here with me.

  I know that, but I don’t know what he is doing? I feel so out of control, and that really scares me.

I went out for coffee alone.

  I debated calling someone, but I didn’t know who to call that I could be real with.

  Helen is away (I face booked her yesterday, sharing some of my distresses)

  Loretta is preparing for her daughters wedding  (I didn’t want to bother her, she has her own daughter who needs her right now)

I debated calling Trevor’s mom (Its hard for me to let her see me weak, I don’t want her to feel awkward and feel like she has to help me)… 

Mostly I’m just scared that she will not know what to do with this needy Christina. 

 I thought about calling Mercy staff .

  I feel too scared, and they are so busy. 

 There are other girls who need their attention more than me right now.

  A woman from church gave me her number yesterday.

  She said to call her if I ever wanted to go for a walk, she lives in my area.

   I thought about calling her, but I can’t just dump on her when we don’t even know each other.  (Talk about a horrible first impression!)  

I'm sure that any one of these women, who possess the heart of God,  would have welcomed my tears, offered words of comfort and a listening ear.

I really just wanted my own mom. 

 I wanted you.

  Where were you?

  Isn’t that what a mom does?

  She comes and helps, and listens when her daughter needs her.

 She gives advice and encourages.

  She reminds her daughter who she is when she forgets.

 I’ve forgotten mom. 

Or did I ever really know? 

 I really can’t see. 

 I need your eyes. 

I wish you could hug me

 Not the brief kind you get from everyone at church on Sunday.

  I wish you would wrap your arms around me…. all the way around me.

 I could lay my head on your chest, comfortable and safe while you stroke my hair

 Which is so much longer than when I saw you last.

  I wish you would pray with me, and read the bible with me, speak those beautiful words of Truth right to my heart and over my upside down life. 

I’m really lonely mom.

I don’t want to be ungrateful, God has surrounded me with some amazing women of God and I feel very blessed to sit at their feet and learn. 

It’s hard to let any of them really know me, see me. 

 It’s hard to trust that any of them want to.

  That was what you were supposed to do.

  All of these women have their own daughters, mom. 

 I don’t fit in, I don’t belong anywhere but with you, and your not here. 

 So I’m alone.

I guess I wasn’t completely alone at Tim Horton’s. 

 I think God knew that I needed a momma today.

  Before I left the house I had a thought to bring this book that I got at Mercy with words of encouragement for the Mercy girls from various sources.

In the back, were letters from some of the women who I have listened, watched and learned from in the past year.

 I read the words as if it were you speaking to my heart, as if you had been across from me and I had just cried on your shoulder and asked you to carry this heavy burden with me.

Big tears fell as I read your words written by Lisa Bevere.  

They went something like this:

Christina, You are safe.

  You are Loved.

  You are believed in.

  You are watched out for and you are necessary. 

 I am cheering you on. 

I realize that you may think that you have failed.

  Well, that is just not true my dear.

  You have not failed.

 You are so loved.

God says, I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to me.

God has captured your attention for a season.

  What a gift.  What an opportunity.

  Allow Him to love you in this season and place.

  Let the Love of Christ the anointed one invade your being. 

 Christina, don’t only open the areas of your life where or when you think you deserve this Love, 

but open every area at all times.  

He has……..

Rescued you from the trampling boot, His Love never quits.

  He takes care of you in time of need.

  His Love never quits.  Thank God, who did it all!

 His Love never quits! 

Psalm 136

Your provision is already in place.

  Honey, you have been invited into a season and environment where God seeds within you will have an opportunity to flourish.

Christina, seeds don’t worry what they will be or if they will succeed;

 they understand that if the conditions are right the life and beauty within will come forth.

You are neither grounded or in an extended “time out.”

  This is your time apart, your season to flourish. 

 This is not your time to try once again to be “good”

 this is your time to be God’s.

Christina, you might not fully realize it,

 but there is something very special, very unique about you.

  There is also something within that is frightening. 

 Fear you have known, but I am not speaking of your fear.

  There is something within you that is terrifying to the enemy of your soul.

  Why else has he worked so hard to distract and distort.

Love…… Trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back

 but keeps going to the end.  

1Corinthians 13

What is behind you, Christina, doesn’t matter because your past is not your future! 

 Your future is yet to be revealed, a story written with Hope and Promise.

I know what I am doing. 

 I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

 Jeremiah 29

Honey, you don’t have to figure it all out. 

 God already has it well underway.

  Rest in this, press into Him, Lovely Daughter,

 Let Jesus love you into wholeness.

Love, Mom (Through Lisa Bevere)

I’m sorry that you couldn’t have physically been with me today, mom.

 God has me though. 

 I even believe that you wanted to be with me, maybe even more than I wanted you there. 

 I believe that you are coming back. 

 Once I didn’t care, but I can’t completely lose hope for you.  

For us. 

 Until then, I will keep running to my father God. 

 Thus far, He has been faithful to bring me what and who I need, right in my most desperate moments.

I know He will keep providing. 

 I really Love Him, mom. 

 He’s been so good to me, and He’s changing me. 

 I know He has my heart and I believe that He’s gonna make me into this woman that I long to be, but can’t quite make myself into.

It was good to talk to you.  

It was so good to spend this time with you.

 I’ve missed you.

Love, 

Chrissy

xoxoxo