Broken Self Promises

 Self Promises are those things I set out, each day  
To do for Christina, 
for my Own Health

Relaxation

Enjoyment

 These Self promises start out at the top/middle of my daily list, 
But more often than not, get pushed to the bottom as "life happens"   

For example, I am a person who LOVES solitude... 

I Do

It is where I seem to thrive

This is the space where I
 Think
 Write
 Create 
Plan

A place where I can be free and imagine

Don't get me wrong, 

I Like people

I do!

 Being social as well.... 

I could just go out a few days a week, though, and be totally content....

When asked out for coffee, 

Or to events, 

Or asked to help with things.. 

Volunteer my time.. 

(Which could easily be every day of the week.. there never seems to be a shortage of things to be involved in...) 

I find myself feeling guilty for having no excuse other than..

 "I just want to stay home and get some of my stuff done"   

Paint a picture

Organize my closet 
Bake
Wash my hair.......

Nothing or everything

Whatever!

I feel Obligated

Especially because I don't work outside the home, 

Or have children..... 

Which means I am "Available" 

 I feel as if
 in my own mind

It's not okay to be me.. 

That my time and desires

 Are less important

Or somehow unimportant  

I feel I "should" be a more connected friend, 

Better daughter 

Granddaughter

Sister 

Good person

Keep in contact more 

This person needs to talk or a friend right now

I should make dinner's for this new mom.... etc.." 

All are things I would Love to do
But
I my mind... I think I am never doing enough for everyone
Thats when the obligation feeling comes in and
 Seems to suck all the "want to" out

I usually end up 

Over committing, 

Feeling exhausted, 

Stressed 

And just Done 

by the time Trevor gets home....  

 Never getting to the personal things that I LOVE 
That fill me
And I want to accomplish
In my life 

Alot of the time end up secretly resenting the time I spend out helping others...

I often find myself stopping and picking up chocolate or a sweets on the way home.. just to treat  myself for a day "Well Served"

I find it so hard to Trust that the things I want to do with my time and life are

 Okay

 Important

Allowed

Not selfish

My promises not kept to myself, look like

Driving by, but wishing I was quietly walking by the pond

 A stack of recipes I'd like to try, but haven't yet

An un- attended to book I've started writing
 Dozens of unfinished blog posts,

Closing the door on chaotic closets,

 Material beside a sleeping sewing machine,

 Clean paint brushes,

 Dust collecting, creative ideas, just sitting on the shelf of my heart.... 

My broken self promises, look like

My own dreams deferred by the "immediacy" of what I believe I Need to be for others

God, I so need Your help with this
In a really practical way
 Psalm 139, says that "You are familiar with all my ways"  
This realization that I am having about my life, is no shock to You
  You know well, my inner struggle
Father, if I'm created in Your image, then I am created Good 
Fearfully and Wonderfully, You said


Help me to Trust that it is okay to be me
Whatever that looks like in the moment, or day, or weeks, months, lifetimes
Help me to know, so deep inside of my heart
That You made me Beautiful and Beloved

Help me to receive Your Heart for me


The thought came to me, the other day 
Like a light bulb moment

I had always assumed that God growing and maturing me, would be evident in my capacity to Carry people
Their needs, cares
Although that thought seemed like an honour
It also came with somewhat of a heaviness and weight 

The Lights came on
When I realized that God growing and maturing me, would be most evident in my ability to Release the burden of people into His hands
To grab hold of the dreams He has placed in my heart
And begin to allow those dreams to lift me
Cause me to soar!

This new thought
 Comes with a whole lot of lightness 

Makes me feel Free!

Pretty

I have no other words

A Low Rumble Deep Inside Me.......And It's Not Gas!

I dropped one of my pearl earrings yesterday

In a pile of clothes in my closet

These are my good earrings (The ones I always wear when I dress up)

I was in a rush (hence the dropping)

So I put the one, still in my hand, away safely

Shook the top few items of clothing on the ground

No Earring

Inwardly shrug

"Oh well, It'll turn up"

As I turned to walk away

The bible story of the woman who tore her house apart

Looking for a lost coin

Popped in my head

I was more annoyed than anything

Cuz, now I felt guilty for walking away

When this woman went to all that trouble

Looking for a coin!

I Wonder how much her coin was worth?

Mind you, I am comparing it with real pearl earrings....

Usually, I'm the girl with the fake jewelry

But not when I wear these puppies!!

Sigh

If this woman can spend so much time in a search

I can take a few minutes too

I shook the pile of clothes one by one

After about 3 minutes

Found it caught in my wedding veil
Yes, I keep my wedding veil in m closet and pop it on periodically
Its so Beautiful!!
Don't judge me

Sweet

Why am I telling you this?

That happened yesterday
And wouldn't you know.....

I am still thinking about it

Today

In fact, I woke up thinking

About Value

Looking at my life and wondering why there are things that I seem to assign 

Very little value to

Even if they are things I Love

When they get lost, or taken, or don't work out

I seem to shrug

And let it go

This seems to be a common occurrence

As I meander back in my memories

If I stain a new shirt, rendering it unwearable again

Sigh..... Shrug

Lose money

Dent the hardwood floor

Scratch a CD

Lend out my favourite book and don't get it back

Yet, this sighing and shrugging

Turning and walking away from things

Doesn't just apply to the small things in my life

I seem to easily let go of so many things

Losing contact with a friend

And moving on without really even looking back

Loved ones passing away

And feeling nothing

Fighting in the earlier years in our marriage

And saying with complete honesty to Trevor

"Leave then"

And knowing if he actually did leave

I would do what I have always done

Suck it up and move on

Like I did when my parents got divorced

I remember the day after my parents told us that Mom was moving out

I went to school and randomly found out that 2 other kids in my class just heard news that their parents were divorcing too

I guess I can't make a big deal out of my loss

Everybody else seems to be going through this too

Or

My mom becoming an alcoholic

And making the choice to not act in the role of my Mom anymore

I don't remember hurting

I just remember cutting ties with her and trudging forward

Maybe I had no choice but to just let go and move on

These things were out of my control

I have this way, though,  of so easily accepting bad or hurtful things in my life

Disappointments

Losses

Injustice

Failure

It has become The Way

That I approach life

Laying down

Giving up

Say nothing

Go with the Flow

Passively handing things over 

Turning around and walking away instead of retrieving something precious that belongs to me

For the past few months

I have been feeling something deep down inside of me

It is a low rumble

(Ha ha.. No, it's not gas!)

It resembles a growl

I don't know where it is coming from

It is definitely not something I am actively practising in my Spare time

Yet, I can feel it

Vibrating in the pit of my stomach

For so many years
I have layed down as My Health was stolen
My Joy
My sleep
Rest
My Dreams
Friendships
My Voice
My Peace
Creativity

If fear or opposition say "You can't have these things.. that they aren't for You"
I've handed them over 

Without a fight
Hanging my head in discouragement 
And simply believing that I could never deserve these Precious Gifts

I've accepted losses and disappointments 

In my life because I didn't really know God

Or really what His Heart was like

How much He Loves me

I didn't understand His Good plan

How Kind He is

I didn't realize that Everything He has is mine

Every Blessing

Every Dream in my Heart is for me

I didn't know what it meant to be a Daughter of The King

I had quietly accepted that bad things, pain, loss, are just life and part of some divine plan

Or things like
 A family
 A Home
Or
Children of my own

Were just not for me

I've watched other woman who are living my dreams

Succeeding

Loving Life

I have felt ashamed

Inadequate

Living in Jealousy, and believing that I could never have that kind of a life

But Now
The growl inside me is getting louder

 As I'm beginning to See
More clearly

As I'm beginning to have my heart filled like a gas tank with His Love

 I'm starting to get Angry

I'm sick of looking at pregnant women

Then looking at my own flat stomach in shame

Recalling all the eating disordered memories, all my past failures, reminding me why I can't conceive

And don't deserve to ever be a mom

I'm sick of watching other women be creative and innovative and take off running in their passions

Then feeling inferior and depressed 

Starring at my dreams in front of me 
frozen in fear

I don't want to feel small anymore

I don't want to cower 

And run away like a scurrying mouse into my hole

I have something to say!

I have something to do!

The devil has stole some really precious things from me

And I have a right to be angry!

Father, thank you for showing me truth.  
Father, I give you permission to keep building this Roar inside of me

  Help me to see clearly, and to not allow Your gifts to be stolen

  I thank you, Father, that You are a God of Redemption and Restoration

You are my Defender

And my Victory

You have made me Your Daughter

All You have is mine

Father

Help me to walk in all You have for me

And Bring Others with me!!

Daaaad!

2:46 AM

Bolt Awake

Scared my dad is randomly going to die

Last night, 

1AM-4AM

Tossing and turning

 Reeling over a fight that Trevor and I had

Dwelling on how selfish and what a terrible wife I am

Night before that

Up all freaking night 

Keeping company with thoughts of never ever, in my whole life

Walking free from an eating disorder that still seems to whisper critical judgements in my ear

And keep me at it's beck and call

 I can honestly tell you

Big or small

Rational or completely delusional 

Fear

Can keep me awake

 Bolt me out of sleep

Heart pounding

Head Aching

And sleep deprived

Night after night

For weeks at a time

You know what all this tells me

I am acting as a 

Slave to fear

What ever thought fear places in my head

I take it

Accept it as truth

And let it run rampid 

Deprive me of Rest

Romans 8:15

The Spirit you received

Does not make you slaves again 

So that you live in fear

Rather

The Spirit you received

Brought about your 

Adoption to Sonship

And by Him 

We call

Abba Father!

All the things I fear

Abandonment

Loss of Loved Ones 

Are thoughts

Scenarios

Based on the absence of God

In my life

All the fears of my moral destruction

Are bypassing one very important truth

About God

 My Father

Who Adopted me
As His own child

Cares about every single aspect and detail of my life

Is forever Committed to my growth and well being as His kid

A Father who will not for 1 second

Leave me

Without His Presence

His Comfort 

Whose Love for me

And view of me

 is never altered
My Father who is strong when I am weak

Like when I was a little girl

And I had a bad dream

I would lay in my bed, frozen with fear, and scream

Mom!  Dad!

Mooooooooom! Daaaaaaaaad!

Over and over

Until they came to my room 

and

Saved me from fear

Maybe I need to keep my 30 year old body in bed at night

When fear comes creeping in my room 

To torment

Maybe I need to scream 

(Maybe just under my breath... As to not send Trevor into an abrupt wakening in panic)

Abba!  

Father!

Daaaaaaad!

Until I become conscious of His 

Faithful Presence

Bursting into my Heart 

His arms wrapping around me 

His Beloved child

 Saving me from fear

A Walk By Some Peaceful Water...... Yes Please!

The Lord is My Shepherd

I Have All That I Need

He Lets Me Rest

In Green Meadows

He Leads Me Beside 

Peaceful Streams

He Renews My Strength

He Guides Me Along Right Paths Bringing Honour To His Name

Even When I walk Through The Darkest Valley

I Will Not Be Afraid

For You Are Close Beside Me

Your Rod And Your Staff

Protect And Comfort Me

Trevor pretending to be Moses.... I'm laughing so hard!

You Prepare a Feast For Me

In The Presence Of My Enemies

Your Honour Me By Anointing My Head With Oil

My Cup Overflows With Blessings

Surely Your Goodness and Unfailing Love Will Pursue Me 

All Of The Days Of My Life

And I Will Live In The House Of The Lord Forever

Going through these old pictures, makes me realize how Much God has been Close beside me and Filled my cup with Blessings!

I'm so greatful this morning for my life, my family, my friends, and so excited for more of His Goodness and Unfailing Love for the rest of my life