A Low Rumble Deep Inside Me.......And It's Not Gas!

I dropped one of my pearl earrings yesterday

In a pile of clothes in my closet

These are my good earrings (The ones I always wear when I dress up)

I was in a rush (hence the dropping)

So I put the one, still in my hand, away safely

Shook the top few items of clothing on the ground

No Earring

Inwardly shrug

"Oh well, It'll turn up"

As I turned to walk away

The bible story of the woman who tore her house apart

Looking for a lost coin

Popped in my head

I was more annoyed than anything

Cuz, now I felt guilty for walking away

When this woman went to all that trouble

Looking for a coin!

I Wonder how much her coin was worth?

Mind you, I am comparing it with real pearl earrings....

Usually, I'm the girl with the fake jewelry

But not when I wear these puppies!!

Sigh

If this woman can spend so much time in a search

I can take a few minutes too

I shook the pile of clothes one by one

After about 3 minutes

Found it caught in my wedding veil
Yes, I keep my wedding veil in m closet and pop it on periodically
Its so Beautiful!!
Don't judge me

Sweet

Why am I telling you this?

That happened yesterday
And wouldn't you know.....

I am still thinking about it

Today

In fact, I woke up thinking

About Value

Looking at my life and wondering why there are things that I seem to assign 

Very little value to

Even if they are things I Love

When they get lost, or taken, or don't work out

I seem to shrug

And let it go

This seems to be a common occurrence

As I meander back in my memories

If I stain a new shirt, rendering it unwearable again

Sigh..... Shrug

Lose money

Dent the hardwood floor

Scratch a CD

Lend out my favourite book and don't get it back

Yet, this sighing and shrugging

Turning and walking away from things

Doesn't just apply to the small things in my life

I seem to easily let go of so many things

Losing contact with a friend

And moving on without really even looking back

Loved ones passing away

And feeling nothing

Fighting in the earlier years in our marriage

And saying with complete honesty to Trevor

"Leave then"

And knowing if he actually did leave

I would do what I have always done

Suck it up and move on

Like I did when my parents got divorced

I remember the day after my parents told us that Mom was moving out

I went to school and randomly found out that 2 other kids in my class just heard news that their parents were divorcing too

I guess I can't make a big deal out of my loss

Everybody else seems to be going through this too

Or

My mom becoming an alcoholic

And making the choice to not act in the role of my Mom anymore

I don't remember hurting

I just remember cutting ties with her and trudging forward

Maybe I had no choice but to just let go and move on

These things were out of my control

I have this way, though,  of so easily accepting bad or hurtful things in my life

Disappointments

Losses

Injustice

Failure

It has become The Way

That I approach life

Laying down

Giving up

Say nothing

Go with the Flow

Passively handing things over 

Turning around and walking away instead of retrieving something precious that belongs to me

For the past few months

I have been feeling something deep down inside of me

It is a low rumble

(Ha ha.. No, it's not gas!)

It resembles a growl

I don't know where it is coming from

It is definitely not something I am actively practising in my Spare time

Yet, I can feel it

Vibrating in the pit of my stomach

For so many years
I have layed down as My Health was stolen
My Joy
My sleep
Rest
My Dreams
Friendships
My Voice
My Peace
Creativity

If fear or opposition say "You can't have these things.. that they aren't for You"
I've handed them over 

Without a fight
Hanging my head in discouragement 
And simply believing that I could never deserve these Precious Gifts

I've accepted losses and disappointments 

In my life because I didn't really know God

Or really what His Heart was like

How much He Loves me

I didn't understand His Good plan

How Kind He is

I didn't realize that Everything He has is mine

Every Blessing

Every Dream in my Heart is for me

I didn't know what it meant to be a Daughter of The King

I had quietly accepted that bad things, pain, loss, are just life and part of some divine plan

Or things like
 A family
 A Home
Or
Children of my own

Were just not for me

I've watched other woman who are living my dreams

Succeeding

Loving Life

I have felt ashamed

Inadequate

Living in Jealousy, and believing that I could never have that kind of a life

But Now
The growl inside me is getting louder

 As I'm beginning to See
More clearly

As I'm beginning to have my heart filled like a gas tank with His Love

 I'm starting to get Angry

I'm sick of looking at pregnant women

Then looking at my own flat stomach in shame

Recalling all the eating disordered memories, all my past failures, reminding me why I can't conceive

And don't deserve to ever be a mom

I'm sick of watching other women be creative and innovative and take off running in their passions

Then feeling inferior and depressed 

Starring at my dreams in front of me 
frozen in fear

I don't want to feel small anymore

I don't want to cower 

And run away like a scurrying mouse into my hole

I have something to say!

I have something to do!

The devil has stole some really precious things from me

And I have a right to be angry!

Father, thank you for showing me truth.  
Father, I give you permission to keep building this Roar inside of me

  Help me to see clearly, and to not allow Your gifts to be stolen

  I thank you, Father, that You are a God of Redemption and Restoration

You are my Defender

And my Victory

You have made me Your Daughter

All You have is mine

Father

Help me to walk in all You have for me

And Bring Others with me!!