Daaaad!

2:46 AM

Bolt Awake

Scared my dad is randomly going to die

Last night, 

1AM-4AM

Tossing and turning

 Reeling over a fight that Trevor and I had

Dwelling on how selfish and what a terrible wife I am

Night before that

Up all freaking night 

Keeping company with thoughts of never ever, in my whole life

Walking free from an eating disorder that still seems to whisper critical judgements in my ear

And keep me at it's beck and call

 I can honestly tell you

Big or small

Rational or completely delusional 

Fear

Can keep me awake

 Bolt me out of sleep

Heart pounding

Head Aching

And sleep deprived

Night after night

For weeks at a time

You know what all this tells me

I am acting as a 

Slave to fear

What ever thought fear places in my head

I take it

Accept it as truth

And let it run rampid 

Deprive me of Rest

Romans 8:15

The Spirit you received

Does not make you slaves again 

So that you live in fear

Rather

The Spirit you received

Brought about your 

Adoption to Sonship

And by Him 

We call

Abba Father!

All the things I fear

Abandonment

Loss of Loved Ones 

Are thoughts

Scenarios

Based on the absence of God

In my life

All the fears of my moral destruction

Are bypassing one very important truth

About God

 My Father

Who Adopted me
As His own child

Cares about every single aspect and detail of my life

Is forever Committed to my growth and well being as His kid

A Father who will not for 1 second

Leave me

Without His Presence

His Comfort 

Whose Love for me

And view of me

 is never altered
My Father who is strong when I am weak

Like when I was a little girl

And I had a bad dream

I would lay in my bed, frozen with fear, and scream

Mom!  Dad!

Mooooooooom! Daaaaaaaaad!

Over and over

Until they came to my room 

and

Saved me from fear

Maybe I need to keep my 30 year old body in bed at night

When fear comes creeping in my room 

To torment

Maybe I need to scream 

(Maybe just under my breath... As to not send Trevor into an abrupt wakening in panic)

Abba!  

Father!

Daaaaaaad!

Until I become conscious of His 

Faithful Presence

Bursting into my Heart 

His arms wrapping around me 

His Beloved child

 Saving me from fear