Let the Hunger Games Begin

I was thinking about the Hunger Games in the shower this morning.  I've only seen it once, and my recollection may be a bit off, but I was remembering the part right before the actual games begin, when their coach Haymitch (Woody Harrelson) is giving Peeta and Katniss some advice.    He said that there will be supplies and lots of things that they need (weapons, food, rope etc), that would help them win the game, laid out in the middle of all the contestants.  He said that it will be tempting to go run and grab these things,
but don't do it....

It'll be a blood bath 

 Instead

Head down to the water (which was in the opposite direction of everything they needed.. it would mean that they would get no supplies)

As the games begin....  Haymitch was right
He's seen the game played out before and he knew what he was talking about
Had Peeta and Katniss ran for the supplies... it most likely would have been game over for them

So, why are you thinking about this in the shower, Christina??

K (I'm gonna get all deep and Christina on you here... so bear with me)  I'm in this game called my life, and I'm fighting this battle of health and wholeness 
Which I am aware is already won by Jesus but.......
The enemy is trying to take this ground of freedom that I'm standing on

I have a God who sees what I don't see and a God who knows what I don't know 
He sees the beginning and the end of the whole game

I've never played this game before.
I'm a rookie
I've had very little training
I see only what's in front of me
I think I know what I need to survive
I see what makes sense to me
I want to win
I want to enjoy this life of freedom that has been bought for me

So I make a game plan to win everyday... I see the supplies sitting there in the middle.  I see what looks good and logical, and accessible.  There are days when I run to the middle for whatever "supply" it is that I think I need... or what I believe would make it "easier" to win... only to get attacked, and blindsided by the enemy, by my own weak and easily tripped up flesh

It is not uncommon in the evening, before bed,  to see me slumped over my journal, tear streaks down my cheeks wondering what in the heck went wrong today?
How did I lose this battle yet again??

Abba, Help!

What is God saying to me?  What advice is my coach giving me, that would be in my very best interest to heed?

Every morning.. before my feet hit the floor
Every afternoon when I'm tired and worn and weak
When feel empty
When my mind is more fixed on the temporal relief than future triumph
He's saying "Christina, head to the water
It's tempting and it seems easier to see all the supplies, nice and convenient, to head into the middle.  Start your day and just dive in.. to grab your own supplies, whatever it is that you think you need, to run something that you believe will help you win, and give you life, but you have to trust that I have lived this day.  I know what is coming for you 
I know what it is that you really need
What you need is the Water

Living water

It doesn't make sense in the natural. Everyone else may head for the supplies in sight but.....
The water is a life source for you."

Why is it so hard for me to run to the water?
When I have done so in the past and found life and refreshing?
Why is it so much easier for me to dive in and do things my way?
To not trust the one that sees the end of the game and is rooting for me to win?
Why is it so much easier to grab the chocolate and diet pop than to grab my bible or journal, or my ipod and go for a walk?
I do not understand myself

How many times will I be caught in the middle
scrambling in the bloodbath thinking that I should have run to the water
Telling myself "Next time, I'll run to the water"

Oh Father, 
I need You
Help me to run to the water
Give me the strength
The clarity of mind and thought to run to my life source
You are for me
You are for me
Do not let my enemies triumph over me
Save me from the fowler's snare and the pestilence that stalks in the darkness and the plague that destroys at midday
You are my refuge and my fortress
My God in whom I trust
Surely You will Save me
You will always provide a way out
In my weakness You are strong
The same power that raised Christ from the dead dwells on the inside of me, and will also give life to my mortal body
It is for freedom that you have set me free
I am more than a conqueror through Christ who gives me the strength I need
Awesome victory is mine!

Nothing is impossible for You Lord!
You can do exceedingly, abundantly 
above all I could ever ask or imagine
according to 
Your Power that is at work within 
Me

It is You who works in me to will and to act according to your good purpose  
Its not about my own efforts
Apart from you I can do nothing
You are faithful and You will do it
Your yoke is easy and your burden is light and I will find 
Rest for my Soul

Father,
Please do for me what I have not been able to do for myself
I am covered in Your Grace

I Am Not Fashion.... But He Cares About My Clothes!

I love shopping

Sales
Thrift shopping
Window shopping
Shopping with and for other people
Grocery shopping
Furniture shopping
Heck, I've learned to enjoy going tool Shopping with Trevor!

I think it's safe to say, that I am especially crazy about
Clothes Shopping!

When I was young, like I've mentioned before, we didn't have much money...... the same way that I would cut pictures out of magazines of bed sets, and beautiful furniture, I would cut out pictures of clothes.  I'd make pages and pages of wish list items.  Pour over fashion magazines and sears catalogs.
I didn't even mind that my wardrobe was almost 100% hand me downs from family friends and relatives..........
They were New clothes to me!!
And I felt like a million bucks wearing them!

I remember in Jr. High, I so badly wanted something.. anything brand name.  
My dad took us to the city on a Saturday.  I got my $20.00 for allowance...... Which even back in the day, didn't buy anything that could put me on the "Guess Jeans", "Umbro", or "Club Monaco" A-list at school.

We made our normal stop at the Sears Clearance Center, and to my utter delight, there was a sale on Nike T shirts!  I honestly thought I had won the jackpot!  I didn't even think twice that the only size left was a man's large....... Who cares.  It's Nike.  It's $5.00.
It's Sold!

Lol.... I wore that shirt every day, almost.  I walked taller.  It looked horrible (I think it would have been too big for my dad, even) but I thought I looked like a fashion diva.

Since then,  my style has changed.... evolved........ a little at least :) 

Surprisingly, I still only own a handful of brand name things (and then only for the quality of the product)  
As much as I love clothes, and I love to express myself through fashion, there are a lot of things more important to me that spending a fortune to sport a name.

I was just aimlessly reading the newest H&M Magazine for the upcoming "Trend Alert"
I saw this add, and it jumped off the page at me.

I am Fashion

It sounds so far out.  My first reaction would be to say " I know I'm not fashion"  

It's a loaded statement for me though, because I live in a world that has deluded me into thinking that I am fashion... and all that fashion entails.

The newest trends, the hair, the nails, the shoes, the body, the skin and makeup.

I'd love to say that I am SO beyond that.. but the truth is, I too,  look at the women that turns everyones heads and wonder where she got her bag, and what she eats for lunch.  The woman who seems to walk  with confidence and power.  Who looks so much more put together and everything that I'm not.

I love going to women's events at our church... and church itself.  I love noticing and affirming women who have made an effort to look beautiful. The outfits, jewelry,  noticing a color that looks great on someone..... I'm sure to be the one to let them know.   I'm also super eager and excited to receive the compliments and praise about my own new dress that I'll be sporting.

We live in an outward society.... and we've all hear this talked about before.  

I'm just saying it's hard because I don't know what the balance is.

To be in this world, but not a part of it.....

?

To be God's Daughter.  A daughter of the King.

To find myself and my beauty, my confidence from Him.

But

To still enjoy fashion, clothes, jewelry, makeup......

Being a Woman!

Man Alive... I am so Happy to be a Woman!

I love looking and feeling beautiful.

Even the Proverbs 31 Woman loved nice clothes

She makes her own clothing,
   and dresses in colorful linens and silks.

 Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made].

Song of Solomon talks about buying beautiful jewelry, for his lover.

When I was 18, I was interning at a church in Calgary in the youth ministry.  I had no money.  I felt so strongly (for a few weeks) that God was prompting me to give away my clothes to some of the girls in the youth group..... now you have to understand that my clothes were not just my clothes.. they had memories.. I had just spent the past year traveling around Canada.... I had accumulated a lot of really cool things.  My clothes were like an extension of me...... Maybe even at that point...... Me.

I tried to ignore His voice, but I could not shake this challenge that I felt.  

So, eventually, I did the scariest thing..... I packed up my precious clothing.... my very best, my identity in a lot of ways.... and I gave everything (except 2 outfits) to the youth.

I cried.  It was hard.  And even harder when I saw them all wearing my favorite things in the weeks to come.

I didn't tell a soul that I only had 2 outfits.

I had no money to buy anything new.

One day at church, a lady came up to me and said "God wants you to know that He cares about your clothes"  

She said a bunch of other stuff... but that's what stuck out to me because, I thought that God asking me to give away my clothes was Him punishing me and teaching me a lesson because I had let my clothes and my outward appearance become an idol in my life.  So I was willing to accept this punishment of only 2 outfits.

A few months later, I was getting ready to go back home for the summer to Manitoba after a year of interning in Calgary.  We had a BBQ games night with the youth.  At the end of the night, they called me up to the front and said that they had a surprise for me..... When I opened the envelope, there was $500.00 worth of gift certificates for a mall in Calgary.  I was so shocked and overwhelmed.  The youth had pooled their money to bless me.

It was so humbling.  

And you know what I bought.....

Clothes!

Brand Spanking New Clothes!

God wasn't mad at me or punishing me......

He had something better for me.

A couple of weeks ago, I told you I found $20.00 on the ground.  Walked into winners one day and saw a beautiful dress for $19.99!  

Love note from my father!

I am not fashion

I am God's Daughter

 But He cares about my clothes!

I Need A Strong Warrior

Help father!
I'm being swallowed up by my life.

I'm drowning.
I can't stay above water.
I can tread for a day...... maybe two.
I feel the strength.
Your strength
Holding my head above water.  I can see the sky, smell the fresh air.
I'm in a big ocean, but I have perspective

I make plans in my energy
Commitments in my fortitude

But I'm starting to get so tired, God
Straining to stay afloat.
I need to find land
The ocean seems massive, endless

Panic sets in, thrashing
Rest is essential, but there is no land in sight 
All I am is worn
Longing to feel the ease and stamina of the tread, the strength in my arms again

My life is planned
Locked into commitments
Needed
What was once anticipation is now obligation
Responsible

I've got nothing to give
I can only disappoint

I'm drowning in this small life that is too big for me.

Christina, 

Don't fret or worry.  Instead of worrying, pray.
Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Phil 4:6-7 MSG


Don't be afraid dear Christina.  Don't despair.
Your God is present with you.  A strong warrior there to save you.
Happy to have you back, He'll calm you with His Love and delight you with His songs.
Zephaniah 3:16-17 MSG

The House of Maxwell... With a Hint of Cinnamon

I stumbled upon this short message by Joseph Prince, early today.
 So powerful!  
It spoke straight to my heart.

It's so funny, because one of the first things out of my mouth this morning when I woke up... even before I got out of bed, was

I am the Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus!

I know that was the Holy Spirit in me.

It's not about my own obedience or disobedience today, or yesterday, or tomorrow.  I don't have to be perfect because I am covered in His perfect blood.

I am writing this, and drinking a cup of coffee.  I'm really trying not to drink coffee as of late to help with the sleep stuff.  Usually the days that I do, I feel like I'm doing something terribly wrong, like I've failed, like I'm a victim to my impulses, it's all my fault, I'll never be healthy,  and I usually end the day journalling about how sorry I am, and try to plan a different strategy for tomorrow.  If I don't sleep that night I just beat myself up and say "well, I deserved this.... I drank coffee.."
 Which may be true.... I don't really know....

 What I do know is, that more than I am disobedient, more than I make mistakes, more than I fall short, more than I get it right and do it perfectly, more than I am beating myself up or strutting in pride........

I am the Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus!

God,

Today, I receive Your gift, to me, of Righteousness.  I believe that I am Holy and Blameless in your sight.  You see me, right now, with this cup of coffee, you see this whole day (everything I do, or do not do right) ... and You see me like Jesus.  Covered in His Perfect, righteous blood!
Thank you, father.  Please keep opening my eyes to your truth.

 I am free in Your Truth!

I am covered in Your Grace!

Father, Help me to be Righteousness conscious today

We have Milk Again!

So, at Mercy, I started keeping a journal of all the ways that God said 

I Love You

to me everyday... little things that are dear to my heart, things that only He would know. 

Little notes from Heaven that touch my heart.

As I started doing this, I found that it made me really excited to add to my list everyday, and also opened my eyes to ways that God was 

constantly 

saying 

"I love you, and I know you so well"

I've gotten away from my Love Journal over the past couple of months.... I still notice the little things.  Often, I'm finding though, that stress, worry and fear have made up the majority of my entries.  It seems as though my focus has turned from more child like excitement in God, and how He provides, to discontent and worrying if and how He will provide.

So.

I want more Joy.

My word for this year is 

Moments.

As I was on a run the other day, I had a thought, very clearly, in my mind (out of the blue)

It takes courage to fully live in, and enjoy each moment, receiving it as a gift and trusting that the one who holds the next moment is bigger than me.

This hit me really hard.

How many gifts do I miss or blow by, or rush through because I am worried about tomorrow, or next week, or 5 minutes from now?

Enjoy

Receive

Fully Live

I want living in the moment, and receiving every moment and gift that God gives me to be a lifestyle.  

I want my eyes to be open and looking for His Love..... Always.

I have started taking pictures..... pictures that wouldn't mean a thing to anyone else.... but they capture moments where I know so deep inside that God is with me, and He delights to see me get excited, and smile.  

He Loves me.  He Loves me Constantly.  He Loves us all constantly.... It's so easy to miss his Love notes though.

My Love journal is cracked open and the pages are filling with line after overwhelming line of His finger prints in my life!

I am a daughter that is thought of by her father, minute by minute.

Here are a few of my favorite Love Letter's that I want to share... from the past few days!

Surprise Candles set out for me after my shower!

Walking by the ocean at Sunset

This is a CD that Trevor made me when we first met. Just found it again recently.  I used to listen to it over and over again.  All of "Our" Songs!

Our new chair that I've been spending my mornings in.  My new favorite place.

Picking Berries on our walk.... The ones up high are the best!!

The smallest house ever in White Rock!

I love double digits..... they make me so excited!  I saw  more than 20 in 2 days!
Everything's gonna be OK!

My sister in Law, Tanya works for West Jet and was in Vancouver for the day.  She called and asked if we wanted to come and hang by the pool at her hotel.. which turned out to be more like a Mexican resort.  Beautiful day.  Beautiful Company.

When I was little, we didn't have much money, and I used to  dream about having matching sheets, a nice bed set and lots of pillows!  (All of ours were 2nd hand and totally mismatched)  I would cut pictures out of magazines, and make collages of my favorites..... It just struck me the other day that I now have matching sheets, and I am so Thankful!!  I actually Love making my bed everyday!

Went for a run.  I wanted to talk to God, so I laid down on the side of the road, and stared up at the sky.
I had to hold my phone up so that people wouldn't think I was dead or something.

I prayed that I would love water........ and I do now!  That is a miracle!

Trevor always takes the time and writes out the directions for me wherever I need to go (these ones are to the movie theatre) He also gave me the free movie ticket that he got for his birthday, so that I could go to a movie with Jenna.
He is so sweet and thoughtful....... all the time!
I'm a very very lucky woman!

Had a date with Jenn.  Coffee, and a movie!  I love that girl.  Had a great time.

Asked Trevor to get me a glass of water .  He came back with ice water and a lemon wedge!  I felt so special!

Our fridge was broken for like 2 weeks.  We couldn't keep any dairy.........
We have milk now!!!!!!

We went to go and rent a movie at the Red Box...... a guy gave us 2 free rental coupons!
When I went to return the movie the next day, he gave me 2 more!
Sweet....... date nights for a month!

Trevor playing guitar.
Simply said....... I just Love him!

God, I pray that the eyes of my heart would continue to be opened to see you in my life.  Like it says in Ephesians, that I would experience your Love, though it is too great to understand fully, and that I may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God!

Father, I thank you that you are able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all I could ever ask or imagine...... according to your power thats at works within me.

Thank you for Loving Me so

beautifully 

Brown Eyed Susan's by our building... reminds me of  Saskatchewan

Bombs, Tim Tam's, and Viking Hats

Well..... So far, I have applied at a coffee shop, a clothing store, a construction company (as a receptionist), a nanny, as an office assistant for an non-profit organization, and a server.....

I'm still unemployed

I actually got the job at RW&Co, but turned it down after learning that it would be every Saturday and some Sunday's.  Which are the only days that Trev and I have to go on adventures and explore BC..... so working weekends are really not an option for me.  Which is why I don't have a job yet.  Which is also why I was looking forward to the office job at the non-profit organization. (I'm not writing the actual name..... lol)

Now, I can honestly say that when it comes to jobs... I really don't have a whole lot of fear.  I love to learn, I'm friendly and outgoing, and a damn good worker.  When I go in for an interview, I am usually really confident that I will add to the company.  It doesn't matter what kind of work I am doing I cannot help but put my whole self into it (the Martha Syndrome I guess).  I have also never had a bad interview that ended in me not getting the job.......

Until now

Tuesday morning was my interview at the non-profit organization office.  I was in the week before to drop off my resume, met the boss and chatted with her for awhile (she was extremely nice and outgoing!) I was sure that I would have a shot at this job.  I'm not going to lie, I was not overly excited about the job itself.  I am not super driven at the moment, although I care, I'm just not consumed with passion for the cause right now, (if you know what I mean) .... or office work, but it was a job.  A Monday to Friday job.

We all know I've been struggling with sleep, and by chance, the whole week before my interview was crazy busy, very very little sleep (especially that prior 2 nights).  By Tuesday morning I was a Zombie. I tried my best to look presentable (but I didn't really care).  I drove there, trying to keep my eyes open, head pounding.  When I walked into the office for the interview, I couldn't even fake my usual chatty, enthusiastic self.  I hardly had the energy to stand up.

To my surprise, in the interview office, was the nice chatty woman, as well as a very serious looking woman, holding my resume (that was marked up with her pen),  and who seemed to eye me up and down instantly in disapproval. (Could be too, that I was just super over - sensitive..... it's kind have been a way of life lately :)

I'm thinking "Oh God, I think I'm in over my head.... I have nothing to give, and no show to put on right now.  I don't even want to be here.  How am I supposed to convince these people that they want me here!"

Interview begins

Nice Woman:  What do you know about the Organization?

Me:  (Thank God, I glanced at the poster on the way in that gave me some clues!)  Um... You help people to have a chance at life.(?)...... (Really, Christina??!! A chance at life?!) (I didn't even take 5 minutes before hand to look on the website to learn anything about this company.... Bad move!)

Nice Woman: Well, thats a part of it... ( then she went on to explain all the things that the program entails..... )

Serious Woman:   ( Jumping in) Why did you move to BC?

Me:  My husband and I had the opportunity to come out live for a change in our lives.  To go on an adventure ( I knew that I really didn't want to or need to tell them about Mercy, or any eating disorder stuff... but it's so hard to explain why we are out here without going in to everything)

Serious woman:  Oh, then how long are you living here for?

Me: Um, (feeling like she wanted me to say 10 years) probably 1-2 years.

...... Not what she wanted to hear.

Nice Woman:  Okay, can you tell us one strength you brought to one of your last jobs, and one weakness, let's say, at the bank.

Me: (Feeling very flustered, mind reeling... head still pounding) A strength, is that I am super organized and a really diligent worker, and I bring a very positive attitude.  And weakness (long silence as they stared at me and my mind went blank.  Finally, I said the first thing that came to my mind....) Stress.  I would get super stressed out and found it hard to separate work from home. (OMG Christina!.... What are you saying!, I thought as I could hear the words exiting my mouth).
Worst Answer Ever!!!

Silence

Nice Woman:  Have you learned now how to manage stress?

Me: Yes.  (What else could I say?  So, that's all I said.  Yes.)

Serious Woman:  (looking down at my marked up resume) I'm a little concerned about the large gaps in between your past jobs and the short working times at each.  Can you explain this to me?

Me: (feeling really hot now, and openly fidgeting under the pressure..... What in the heck do I say???!!!)

Sigh

Shoulders drop

Lump forms in throat  

Tears fighting to pour

Me: (looking serious woman right in the eye) Honestly, I had an eating disorder for a lot of years.  I tried my best to work when I could but there were times when I wasn't well and couldn't.  Also, that is another reason why Trevor and I are out here in BC, to get away, and have some time together apart from our old life.

Serious Woman: (looking satisfied that she now had the missing piece out of this suspicious puzzle) Are you better now?

Me: Yes. (I didn't feel like I wanted to elaborate in the slightest)

Nice Woman: (jumping into the awkwardness) Well, we all have struggles.  I bet it's made you stronger.

Me: Yes. (Humiliated and thinking... I just want to leave now)

There were a few more questions about computer knowledge (which I have next to none).  Event planning experience (Which I have a lot of, from the Youth event planning days).  And letter writing skills (Which, I love to do!).

They told me that they will take the week and see if there is a place that I could fit in with my particular skills and call me........
I shook hands and I was out..... of ........ there !!!!!

BOMBED IT!

If they actually did call me, and if by some heavenly miracle told me I got the job... I would honestly say "What, are you crazy??!!"

 I have to say, too, in all fairness to the serious woman... she was just doing her job... No offense... really, she did nothing wrong. (A smile may have helped me though :)

Was it because I was tired?  Was it that I really was not motivated work there?  Or was it God closing a door?

Who the heck knows!!

I'll laugh about it someday I'm sure....... I'm kind of laughing now, although, it'll be funnier when I have another job!

So, on the lighter side of life... and  YA! There is one!! Trevor and I have been having lots of fun times... some rough days, some tired days, stressful days, questioning days.... but lots of Fun days!

Like....

Beating him at crib! (I'm the green!)

Exploring White Rock Beach!

Cooking Together ( Hawiian Chicken Nacho's)

Trevor did the Warrior Dash (a 5 K race in Vancouver with obstacles)....... Fun Day!

Trevor Introduced me to Tim Tam Slams!  We had then at 9:30 AM with breakfast, last weekend.... not a good idea!

Changed our bedding to turquoise summer sheets (not by my choice.... now I have to freeze at night because our green comforter doesn't match..... Yes, I know that no one can see my comforter at night... but,  It matters to me!!)

and

 found $20.00 in the parking lot!

Went to an outdoor movie in our complex, with some friends - The Hunger Games.  It was surprisingly good.... Had to close my eyes a few times though.... What's new!

 And lastly.......

Found mold on the side of the sour cream......... ate from the middle anyway........ and then put it back in the fridge ....... it's still there... I'm hoping it holds out till Sunday for Nachos. Judge if you must, I actually find it quite amusing :)..... and our grocery bill has been cut in half!

Well, That has been the past few weeks in a nut shell. 

Still need a job though :)

I Trust You! I Trust You! I Trust You! (?)