Fact - I Need God To Get There

I had a day.
A day that 6 months ago would have sent me into a tail spin of defeat.

 A day that leaves me looking up.

I'm hesitant to share my day with you.  I'll have to be vulnerable.  The things I share will make some form judgements, some maybe feel less shame themselves.. and some want to help me......
Truth be told, I would rather keep certain things to myself.  I would rather not have pity.  And I hate looking weak in front of people, especially with those to whom I wish to "prove myself."

I decided to write because.....

It comes back to the first notions to start this Blog.  Chronicles of my life, learning to walk again......  When I first started, I would view my days, moments and weeks as successes or failures, grading myself and straining to be better, thinking... If I just get this... then I will be on top, in control, peaceful, victorious, be able to help others..... (or prove myself?)


Preface to today's events:

No new news... I have had insomnia like I have never experienced in my entire life... since Mercy, 3 months ago, but especially in the past month.  I 'm not going to get into it... but I am realizing that there is something very "not normal" going on in my body, and that something needs to change b/c I cannot live like a zombie for very much longer.
Also, for the past month.... I have been eating a lot of sweets (a major understatement just took place).  Our meals are pretty healthy... but I've been having treats everyday, numerous times a day.  Sometimes in private, lots of times with Trevor.  
No big surprise....... I've gained more weight.... Now I know what people think.... and believe me, I am  used to not being taken seriously in this issue... "poor little skinny girl" or "your so lucky, you can eat whatever you like, and still stay slim"  Well, I don't really know what to say, and I struggle to even share these things because I don't want everyone to assume that this is the eating disorder consumed Christina talking........ Because deep in my heart, I know that I need to make some adjustments to my life style because I don't feel good!

Not about my choices

Not about my body

And in general,  I just don't feel healthy.

Last night, we dropped Trevor's brother and his fiance off at the airport after their 2 day stay with us.  I was exhausted due to my usual frantic run around, bake, cook, clean, make sure everyone is happy and having fun, go go go (Martha) rituals, and tremendous lack of sleep.  I know Trev was in the same lack of sleep boat.
I was not feeling good.  Trev and I collapsed on the couch and ate a light dinner, and watched Big Bang Theory (which was a perfect mind break for us.... lots of laughs.. usually.....)
All I could think about, though, was icecream, chocolate, the freezies in the freezer, pop.........  I didn't want to give in because it has just been sugar madness for the past couple of weeks... and I really don't want that type of life style.
So I had cereal and strawberries and went to bed...... (Good job Christina!!....... hmmmmm ??)

This Morning:

I woke up famished!
Got up. went straight out for breakfast... skipped the new morning ritual of coffee.....
Ate a balanced breakfast (Trying to eat more grains, so I won't crave a sugar top up...... Trev's advice)
I still felt hungry though... so I decided to have a little more (which is different from old Christina who would have said  "too bad, you have to wait till the next meal. You pig!")

K, here is when I will get vulnerable with you.


I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to go back to bed... my head was aching from lack of sleep.  I could hardly function....


Instead

I opened the freezer, took out an old yogurt container that I had filled with leftover chocolate butter cream icing from a batch of cupcakes I had made (thinking that it wouldn't tempt me in the freezer, solid as a rock, therefore making me have to pre-think eating any) proceeded to defrost (pre - thinking??) it in the microwave and eat a good cup (of pure butter and sugar).
This is also where old Christina would  realize the damage that she had just done (eating 1/2 a days calories in 2 minutes flat) run to the bathroom and purge, fix the mistake she just made.......

Not now.

I went to bed.

A little guilty.  I talked to God, and said " You love me right now.  I am righteous in your sight.  I need your help though because I don't want to run to food instead of whatever it is I really need/want.
I slept for an hour.
Got up. Went straight for the fridge (not hungry in the slightest).... ate some left overs, a Tim Tam, and a spoon full (or two) of peanut butter.

Went back to bed (still tired), after checking my stomach and thighs in the mirror, and thinking, I don't want to go down this road today... what is up with me right now??

Slept again.  Woke up to a text.  Thought that I should really get up, get off this cycle, go for a walk or run, listen to some worship.....  it's sunny, I need to get out of the house ( usually when I go for a run, I come home with a new perspective, and I feel energized and better able to make good choices ).  I got all my running stuff on.....

and laid back down.

I'm seriously lacking energy and motivation...... but I hate wasting a day moping, being unproductive, and eating crap.

Had to get up at 1 p.m. to take our car in to get the tires changed...... tousled my hair, threw on a stretchy new skirt... ($3.00 at H&M, side note ), baggy shirt, sports bra and left (like 40 minutes early)
Went down the elevator, and instead of pushing the parking garage button... I pushed the first floor.... Knowing exactly where I was heading......

Menchies.

A frozen yogurt sunday bar, that is sinfully close to our house.  I walked over, sampled some flavors, and filled a $1.89's worth in my cup.  Topped it with peanut butter sauce, chocolate chips, cookie dough chunks. Then I sat down and ate it. 

No shame (I don't think)
Guilt (maybe? )
A few squeezes to my soft stomach, and a prolonged glance at the curves showing through my fitted skirt as I passed my reflection in the Menchie's window.

Walked over to Thrifty foods,  straight to the diet pop section.  (reasoning, "I'll only get on if it's on sale"..... guess what??  $.99!)
On my way to the till, stopped at the bulk candy section bought candy watermelons, and lemon yogurt covered almonds.....  (Only taking a few of each.. because that way, I'm not "over indulging!!")

Ate them on the way to Canadian Tire.

I'm feeling the shame now.


Typed in my journal for a bit.  I needed to connect with God, and get His perspective.

I am His Beloved.
He Loves me
I am free.
I am the righteousness of God, in Christ Jesus.

....... Still just words to me.  
God, help me to see... really see and experience your love.  I need you.

Walked around, waiting for my car to be done.
Laughed at some cards in Carlton's ( I'm always looking for some hilarious ones to send Karlie)... couldn't decide on any.

Went to Tim Horton's, got a large coffee.

Came home..... because I wanted to write...... 
Not because I want to analyze myself, check off failure in the grade box.  To be honest, I feel like I have come to a different place.

A place where I know the paths that I don't want to go down, the paths that lead to a small, dead, self absorbed, heavy life.  The paths of bondage to food and weight (in every sense of the way) and the path of trying, striving, planning, restricting my life to fix myself.  Path's to correct my own mistakes and short comings.... which is also, a path that leads to a very small, dead, self absorbed, defeated life.

As I sit here writing, knowing that its pizza date night with Trevor!  I'm not hungry (in fact I feel ill..... wonder why??!), I know that I have already eaten waaaay over the amount of calories I need..... (and probably still lacking all the vitimins and mineral my body needs)
I wish I had been thinking, earlier, about how much fun it is to eat pizza with Trevor, have a beer with him in the sun on the patio, laugh and talk about our days ... ( our friday night joy).  I wish I could have held off on all the indulgences today, that weren't even enjoyed, so that I could be fully, here, fully excited, and fully hungry for a much needed and much anticipated night with Trev (at least it was before recent events... but,  maybe I need it even more so now.....?)

I can't change the choices I made today.


I can't change or fix or control the effects of sugar, butter, and chocolate on my thighs


I can't make the gross feeling disappear.


I cannot make this right!

And for once in my life..... I don't want to!

Fact:
I desire to life healthy and strong, full of God's life and energy.

Fact:
I need God to get there.

Christina's way is short lived, weather permitting, unstable, controlling, harsh, rigid, or self and momentary gratification, indulgent and lifeless.

Romans 14:7
The Kingdom of Heaven is not a matter of food and drink, but Righteousness, Peace and Joy in the Holy Ghost.


Joseph Prince wrote a devotional on this verse.  He said that food and drink is symbolic of things coming to you.  You taking things in. Depending on the outward.  But God says that His kingdom is about the Holy Spirit in you, producing, and nurturing Righteousness, Peace and Joy.  The Kingdom of God is in us, not outside of us.

I'm ready to learn a new way to live........ Walking in the Righteousness, Peace, and Joy that were already bought for me, and given as a precious gift.

I'm Covered in Grace

xoxoxo