Stress, worries, cares, keep me on the surface of life
The surface of me
I sat down this morning to read my bible.
I turned to Song of Songs, craving a little love and affirmation from God
As I tried to read, tried to meditate on the sweet words and picture God saying them to me,
it was crazy, how many thoughts about my day kept popping into my head.
"Remember to call bell about the Internet on my phone.
I wonder when would be the best time to run and get groceries?
Which kind of honey should I buy?
I'm hungry.
Wonder how my mom is doing?
I hope Trevor isn't feeling stressed today."
It's first thing in the morning, and my mind is fuller than full.
The verse I read was Song of Solomon 1:1
Kiss me and kiss me again, for your Love is sweeter than wine
I sat for a while and lingered on this young Woman's words........
I picture the young woman and young man laying on the bed (lol... don't worry, I will not get graphic, but they are naked!)
I picture her, laying back on the pillows, and him, up in one elbow beside her, enraptured with her beauty. Both, captivated in each others Love. Looking deep into eyes. Talking. Laughing. Being filled with each others presence.
She says "Kiss me, and Kiss me again." Man, what woman (even man, for that matter) does not want to be a recipient of the unceasing kisses of the one who thinks you are the most amazing person on the face of the earth......
Such a deep connection. Even as I picture this scenario in my head, my heart longs.
I love those times when Trevor and I have nothing to do but lay in bed and "Be together" In those moments, whether brief or long, everything else in life seems to drift away. Actually, (sadly) most times, I have had so much on my mind, for so long that it takes me forever to even get to the place where I can connect and "Be present" with Trevor in these moments. It feels like intense work, to push past the to do lists in my mind, and enjoy Trevor's Love.... when it is moments like these that I Long for!
That sucks!
That's what we were created for as humans, wasn't it?
To live from the heart. Deep lives?
Savouring the kisses
Not, small, surface, mind trapped, stress head ached, shoulder's tight with heaviness of cares lives.
I find it very interesting that the young woman says "Your Love is sweeter than wine"
To me, "wine" doesn't just represent a Merlot, or Sauvignon Blanc... (sometimes it does... don't get me wrong!) but more often, for me, "wine" represents the surface things I do, or consume...
For example:
I awake at 5:45 AM...(no joke!) I feel the pressure in the forefront of my skull about this long, full day ahead of me. I had a terrible sleep because instead of sleeping, I was thinking about this full long day ahead of me today. My mind and schedule are filled to the margin and the clock is my worst enemy... I dart out of bed, and head for the coffee pot to give me a quick jolt... (Wine).... then I busy myself doing more than I know I have the capacity for (Wine), try to do everything perfectly.... (Hair, makeup, outfit)..... (Wine), hopefully someone will notice my hard work (Wine).. or I will feel accomplished when all my tasks are complete (Wine). I should squeeze in a run cuz my pants are fitting tight, and that is just unacceptable for me to gain any weight (Wine), but instead I eat a Jersey Milk bar (Wine), and tell myself that "I don't care and I'll start again tomorrow and cut out sugar all together!" (Wine)
Then Trevor gets home and I try to be the support that I think he needs... Probably more so I feel better about myself as a wife (Wine)... He doesn't react enthusiastically enough, or say thank you enough.. or does something less than perfect, and I sink into a pit of despair (mostly because I am exhausted, spent, and done.) I end up having a melt down about how he never calls me beautiful anymore... or kisses me (Wine). He is totally confused now, and stressed and has no idea which way is up or down, or what the F he did....
I go to bed feeling guilty about my behaviour, feeling like I didn't do enough, ate too much, moved too little, was far too selfish....... mind reeling with ways to improve myself tomorrow. I lay down my head..... Already exhausted! (Wine)
(..... I'm being dramatic about my example to paint a picture, my life is not all bad.. and I am definitely growing in all of this.... Although there is Truth underneath the extremeness of my story!!)
All of this "Wine" I drank today was to replace the kisses and more kisses that I was really longing for.. from my Lord. The one who thinks I am amazing and just wants to delight in me for awhile.
If only I had just layed in bed a little bit longer and seen Him laying on His side, head propped up with His elbow looking at me with those eyes of Love and mischief.
If only I had taken some time to allow Him to move past my surface self, and speak to my heart..... Kiss me
"Christina, I just Love you
You are so very precious to Me.
You are my Beloved. You are so Beautiful to Me.
You are enough
You don't have to do anything today... I am already proud of You.
I am for you.
You bring me Joy
I Love to be with you.
I Love the way I created you
I can't wait to enjoy you today.
I've been enjoying you all night, taking care of things for you, healing you, speaking words of life over you.
I have so many gifts for you today... just waiting for you to enjoy because I love you so much.
I Love when you smile.
I choose you today.
I am with you, beautiful child
Nothing you do or don't do today will separate you from my Love and acceptance today.
You are made in my image
You are close to my heart.
Kiss after Kiss, straight to the deepest part of me.
Loving me.
Living on the surface, in the cares of this life. Living with the weight of life, the weight of others, heck, the weight of myself on my shoulders, brings out the very worst in me.... (Trevor can tell you )
I don't want to live that way. I don't want to live consuming "Wine"
"Wine" of any sort, in place of Love, cheapens my life.
I long to live Whole Heartedly
I don't want to miss the heart of life, running around in the surface of life.
Father, Help me
Help me to enjoy "Wine" for what it is, but don't let it replace the sweetness of Your Love. I need Your help to have what I most desire...... your kisses on my heart.
XOXOXO
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