A Heart In The Snow.... Just For Me

As I prepare my thoughts...... I am bombarded with reasoning on what is "acceptable" and "unacceptable" to write on

There is a voice that would say, "You are self absorbed. Your blog is depressing and a downer. Who wants to read stuff like this?  You should talk about more light and positive things... More people would read your work if you did!"

 Tempting!
 It really is!

There is another voice inside me that just longs to be real and transparent.  
I am on a journey.... a journey to Joy, and Peace, and Freedom to be me.

I want to be able to share my thoughts freely.... no matter what others may think......

So here goes.....

The following is a snip-it from Christina's mind.......

Unskilled.... Like I mean, no training in anything

Emotional, like any ideas thought up and pursued are fanatical ones and have

 No follow through

A Perfectionist (only with self) that quits and Gives up when perfection is not met

Constant Approval seeker

People pleaser

Loner

Directed by feelings

Big dreamer with No motivation

Easily Stressed and Anxious

Unstable in mood and actions

Striver to be good

Unsuccessful in a career

Comfort eater

Attempter but often falls when walking free of an eating disorder

Worrier

I think its human to see our own shortcomings...
 Not all of us verbalize them, talk about them, or write them on a blog......

But Verbalized or not, our failures or fears of our shortcomings being exposed, seem to drive us in life... (Mine do anyway)

Drive us to strive to change
Hide
Pretend to be someone we are not
Try to be someone we are not
or
Seek to just be Accepted and Loved for who we are

I don't know about you, but I am so tired of living a small life trapped by my own stinking limitations.  

I feel sabotaged my my own self efforts to improve my impoverished state.

If you read my blog, you know that I am beyond fascinated with Grace.... Well, I should add.. frustratingly fascinated.

This concept that things are not about me...... They are about Jesus

God Loves me because He is Love

God blesses me because He has placed me in His Son

He forgives me and heals me and comes close to me because He took all my punishment and put it on His perfect Son

Now I am perfect in His sight

Now I am enough (no matter what I or anyone else sees in me)

I can say all this and grasp it in my head... but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of my day to day life... I find this so difficult to apply....  My eyes so easily lock onto myself "Limitations" and find myself getting hopeless.

1.  Because when I can't really do anything, when I fall short of my standards, when I feel unsuccessful at everything the world would deem successful....... I feel hopeless

2.  Because when I am a success, when I do it right, and good, constant...... I know this story inside and out..... this will only last a few days at most.... and then I am back to point 1..... and feel hopeless.

I feel like I am at this place where I have nowhere else to look but to God.

I am an utter mess.... I can't even begin to tell you.

I can't even imagine how I could be different from all the things I wish were different about me.

I don't see how I could live the life I wish I did

I don't understand how my dreams could come to life.....

But,  

His word

It says so many different things about what He can do

About who I am now in Him

About the plans and the purposes He designed for my life

He uses the weak, the helpless, the unskilled, and unwise.......

Well, If that was a job posting (helpless, weak, unskilled), I would definitely apply for that position (with confidence)... sounds like a job that I might excel at..... I may even add to the talents section of my resume (emotionally unstable, easily stressed, cries alot, has no direction for the future)

I read this devotional from Joseph Prince this morning

http://josephprince.org/Resources_Daily_Grace_Inspirations.asp?active=resources

Holy Spirit is really faithful to lead me to little nuggets of encouragement everyday that really speak what I need to hear.

God, I don't want to live a life based on mine or others standards and expectations of success.  I want You to be the loudest voice in my head.  I want You to be the one I search out in the crowd to see if Your smiling at me.  I want Your opinion of me to be the platform that my life is built on... 

however You designed my life to look

Father, I need Your Grace.

I just plain old need Your Super Abounding Grace because I am so in need

Teach me how to Really Live

My father, who Loves and Adores me

Help me to Believe You

XOXOXO