Now, its actually time to start the day and I have the same fatigue headache I've had for the past few weeks. Normally, I'm not a complainer....(okay, maybe sometimes with Trevor) but, I'm really struggling here in the area of Rest. More so, rest at its most basic form.... sleep.
I've been reading about Martha and Mary. (Luke 10 :38-42) and really wrestling with it.
Wrestling Ring:
So Jesus and His disciples are in town. Martha and Mary Love the Lord, decide to have a dinner party for Him, cuz you know, He's kind of a "big deal!"
So Martha decides to go all out ..... and I mean all out! (I'm pretty sure her love language is Acts of Service) She doesn't mess around when it comes to entertaining (How can you not love this girl!). I'm sure she was excitedly planning dinner courses, table settings, colours.......running all the ideas past Mary, who was reading her book and only half listening..... "Ya! that would be great Martha.. We could totally do that! (Not really grasping the magnitude of the plans that were in the making) I kind of get the sense that dinner parties are not Mary's thing, she's way more excited about the social aspects and good times than the boring details.
Night of the party.... Everyone arrives:
Martha hasn't slept for days..... the creative flow, now more like a flash flood. She's been excitedly rushing around doing everything, even more so tonight. Martha hasn't seen Mary all night but also kind of glad she isn't around, cuz there is nothing worse than having someone help with your creative masterpiece who doesn't give a crap about esthetics!
Martha's daydreams about how Jesus is going to flip over the Rissotto, are abruptly interrupted when she hears Jesus, the disciples.. and Mary's Piercing laugh coming from the next room. Martha peers around the corner, sure enough, there is "long lost" Mary sitting right at Jesus' feet hanging on every word He is saying.
This is the part of the story where Martha gets a bad wrap. See, I don't think that Martha was angry at Mary for not helping. It was probably a common senario for her, I mean, trust a Sanguine personality to "plan" a Party but not want to have any part in the "Work". I'm sure Martha knew what to expect from her sister. I do think, however, that Martha felt really extremely excluded and left out. (Just imagining her face as she peeks around the corner makes me want to cry). After all, Martha opened her home to Jesus. She wanted to hang out with Him, and all the preparations were to express Love and make Him feel special and thought of..... to be close to Him
With pang's of jealousy towards her sister, (who is now slapping Jesus' knee in a roar of laughter), Martha, desperate to be included and remembered, walks right up to Jesus, interrupts His story, and basically says "Is it nothing to You that Mary has left all the work for me to do" (even though we all know that the party runs way smoother without Mary involved.) "Tell her to come help me, Lord!"
Now, every other time I have read this verse, I have found Martha to sound like a selfish, whiny ten year old. Now, as I read, I can hear the hurt in her voice, and my heart breaks.
What she's really saying is ("Lord, I love you. I want to be near You. I want to be having fun with You too.... that is all I ever wanted from tonight! I'm in the kitchen pouring my heart into a mean Rissotto because I know its Your favorite, and I picked blue place settings because I really wanted you to get this fresh and calming feeling after all the traveling You've done. Now, it feels like I'm left out and You've forgotten me")
Then He goes and does it.... (gets me every time)
I can see His kind eyes looking straight into hers that are brimmed with tears of hurt and frustration. He already knew what her heart was saying but her mouth couldn't.
He puts His hand on her cheek, cups her face and says "Martha, My dear, treasured, precious friend. My best little hostess ever, Martha." "You are worried and upset about many details for this party (all of which are stunning, by the way, nice touch with the centerpiece!) I see your Love for Me in every detail. I know what you really want, though. You want to hang out with me, and to be honest, Love, I feel gipped because I wanted to enjoy your company too, and I've hardly seen you all night. I Love what you have planned, only you would be so thoughtful as to make strawberry Marguritas for me, but Mary has the right idea right now, taking full advantage of our precious time together. Come and have a little rest with Me in here. You look beat! We can all pitch in afterward (except Mary, I'll make up some sort of distraction for her) I have so much to tell you Martha. You look beautiful tonight, by the way, thats a new dress isn't it" He notices as He leads her into the den....... (K, the last line was just added in as a little cheat sheet for Trevor....... my love language is verbal affirmation... you're welcome Babe)
Okay, I have written way more than I intended. I got a little absorbed in evolving the emotional climate of the story. Really, though, this story has been stuck in my head the past few days as I find myself waking up in the wee hours of the morning, so excited with all these good intentions I have for the day. Lots of which are plans of good... God, Work, Me time, Trevor, others......, but by mid day, I am exhausted, and "my precious time with God" has become a to do list. There's always seem to an underlying sense that I am doing something for Him, and not really allowing Him to do something for me.
Rest, (Ahhhh!) the word simply taunts me. The question that is rolling around in my mind now is "What is it about Mary that allowed her to sit at the feet of Jesus when there was a ton of stuff to be done?(some of which she was even responsible for) Good things, things for Jesus. How was she able to let the whole night of events fade into the background as she laughed, talked, enjoyed her savior, and allowed herself to be saturated with His presence?
Dearest Martha,
I'm not going to lie, I'm a little jealous of Mary as well. To be so carefree. No weight on her shoulders. .........
I've found myself often annoyed/envious of girls like Mary (whoever Mary is, right now, I've turned her into a fictitious character in my very exaggerated and embellished bible story)
Mary just seems so free to Love Jesus. Free to not give a rip about anyone's expectations. Free to enjoy friendship.
I do know (from the actual facts of the bible) that Mary was the woman who spilled the expensive perfume on Jesus because she had been forgiven of many sins. Some even speculate (?) that it may have been Mary who was the "nameless" woman caught in the act of adultery, that Jesus saved from a stoning, forgave, and empowered to leave her life of sin. She may or may not be the nameless woman but something tells me that there is more to Mary's intensions than being a mere sociable and slacker.
What does she have with Jesus that is so special?
And I'm sure it's not only with Jesus. I bet she is good at recognizing what and who is important in the moment. I bet she has a ton of friends, adored by everyone, and sleeps 8 hours a night!
You know, Martha, I really do enjoy our personality. Ya, I said it.... I love to get things accomplished, be creative. I love to pay attention to trivia about others and give thought out tokens to show them that they are special and important to me. Plus, there is not much more satisfying to me than flipping through my day planner (I'm like the only one in the world who still uses a paper one) and seeing the highlighter strokes through every task done with as much excellence as I was capable of.
............... or is there something more satisfying?
What you thought would be the very center and highlight of the evening, what you have poured yourself into, what you thought would attract a circle of friends around you, what you thought would cause everyone to see that you really are an awesome person and want to get to know you, has only served to keep you on the outside... longing to be on the inside.
Jesus saw your heart, Martha, and I know He sees mine too. I believe He loves us, even created the details about us that we admire about ourselves (secretly of course). I have been pondering the reality that I may view myself (my likability, my charisma) as lacking or non existent, and I can see how that
assumption is an explanation for all the striving and working to "add" something of appeal to myself.
When did I ever start to believe that I was not enough, that there needed to be descriptions behind my name to make me worth someone's while?
God, You knew all this was in my heart, and behind my excess activity. You've been whispering to me for days. Man, I need help to see myself with Your eyes.
Father, I don't believe You want me to live my life on the outside - longing to be on the inside.
Your word says, at the very core, I am made in Your image, therefore, I must be good like You, lovable like you, have a captivating personality like You. You wanted to be my friend. You say You are delighted to be in my company. Just me, stripped of everything I would hide behind or use to define myself. Help this truth to become revelation to me, Father. Help me to leave the safety of the kitchen, follow You into the den for a little rest, and hang on every word You say about this Christina that You love so much.
I want You God. More than anything, I want You.
XOXOXO
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