I was feeling pretty good today. Sun is shining. Trev is coming home from work early. Enjoyed the quiet, reading my bible, face booking friends, listened to some Kim Walker. I even left the pile of dishes in my sink for the whole morning without touching them! Walked down to the post office, in the glorious brightness, to pick up a parcel from my sister, got a coffee. I sat in Hallmark and read greeting cards for like 45 minutes (I've never done that before.. but really enjoyed myself)
I was on my way home, when I ran into the girls from Mercy Ministries (the recovery program that I just graduated from) out on their shopping day. It was really good to see them, but I all of a sudden felt super self conscious. I became hyper aware of myself putting on a mask. Especially talking to the staff member with them. I found it very awkward to encounter her outside of a setting where I am "expected to struggle", to an encounter now, where I am not really sure of anyone's expectations of me. Don't get me wrong... I adore her, and consider her more of a friend than staff. Super easy to talk to, and be real with... usually...
I'm so confused right now because I don't feel like I had anything to hide from anyone. The excitement I shared, was true and genuine..... so why do I feel so insecure? Why could I not wait to bolt away from the spot light? Why am I engrossed with wondering if they thought I had lost weight (did I?), or if they thought that I seemed way too happy (was I too enthusiastic?)... and that I must be faking it?...... Am I???
It's not like things are perfect. Am I more conscious about my weight now that I'm not being weighed consistently and have no way (other than how my clothes seem to feel) to measure how I am really doing? Yes. Am I struggling to make healthy (but not rigid) choices with food and beverage numerous times a day and never quite feeling like I chose the best option? Yes. Am I endeavoring to not be consumed with wondering if those are new dimples on the backs of my legs, or if I've just never seen myself in this lighting before? Yes. Am I questioning whether I am doing all of this right, asking myself if what I am feeling is okay and somewhat normal? The answer is Yes.
I don't have a manual here. I wish I could follow an astounding woman of God around for a week, with a notebook, and ask her everything she does to live successful. Everything down to what she eats, listens to, reads. What does she do for fitness? How does she interact with her husband? What does she order at Starbucks? Shampoo? How does she balance chores, friends, marriage, rest? How does she fill and nurture herself? How she has learned to love and accept herself (dimples and all)?
This would all be so much easier if I could pattern my life exactly like a woman that embodies the ideals I aspire to.
I don't "go here" much, but, in this moment I really wish I had my mom to talk to. To tell me that its all going to be okay, and that I'm doing just fine.
I thought I was doing just fine. Or am I just naive? I have hope. I have moments of laughter. I am dreaming again! I have moments where I am shocked by the choice I just made to live, and marvel at God's goodness.
Everyone's expectations (perceived or real) aside (even my own), I've had some pretty awesome moments in the past couple of days that I feel I need to linger in right now.
- Watching Modern Family with Trevor. I laugh so hard at Cam and Mitch, my stomach aches. (I make him re-watch my favorite parts over and over)
- I talked to Trevor's grannie this morning on the phone. She's super old, yet so full of life. Sassiest grandma I've ever met... (lots of laughs)
- Watched Disney song videos (with lyrics) on You Tube. Pocahontis, Little Mermaid, Tangled.... just cuz.
- Spent time writing dear friends.
- Did some stretching before bed
- Listened to Song of Solomon (The Message Version!)
- Turned on Rascal Flats and danced.
- Made the perfect cup of coffee (I wish Kendra was here to taste it)
- Soaked in the sun
- Trevor played with the ends of my hair during church (I didn't want to move an inch, so he wouldn't stop)
- Trev and I jogged 2.1 km's (its far for me, okay), and we are going out again in like half an hour (down by the ocean)
- Trevor was the last thing I saw last night before sleep, and the first thing when I woke up this morning! (I'm so thankful to live with him again)
- And one of my most enjoyable moments. Going to Menchie's ( Frozen Yogurt Sundae Bar ).... Alone ..... getting vanilla yogurt topped with almonds, cookie dough pieces, chocolate chips, and eating every last bite! And right before lunch too! (how irresponsible)
Well, I feel a little better.................
I wish there was a points system where I could tangibly measure how successful I am at life. I know I'm not my most humane critic, and its not fair to everyone else in my world, if I'm chasing their constant validation. Its draining, and honestly, I just want to be free from appraisal, in every sense of the word. In weight, in food, as Trevor's wife, in relationships, as a Christian, as a woman, a daughter, and someday a mother.
This was a verse I read this morning (Funny enough, it just popped up in my mind right now)
I'll add my name in, cuz I always do :)
Eph 2:7-9 (msg)
Now God has Christina where he wants her, with all the time in this world and the
next to shower grace and kindness upon her in Christ Jesus. Saving her is all his idea, and all his work.
All she does is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift to her from start to
finish! She doesn't play the major role. If she did, she's probably go around
bragging that she'd done the whole thing! No, Christina neither makes nor saves
herself. God does both the making and saving.
Moment............ He's so faithful to help me just when I need Him.
Remember, Christina, its Him, not you.
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