Kids Corner

Here's what happened:

I'm at home, just eaten lunch ( a healthy choice of a salad, good decision Christina ), I'm pretty full ( a little uncomfortable, actually), but as I'm cleaning up, I impulsively eat a piece of Trevor's chocolate bunny (you know, the one that calls to me every time I open the cupboard)…. The well known voices start.  "You have no self control. You pig. So weak. Your addicted to food."  Feeling like my motives were exposed, defeated, I could sense the compulsion rising to continue eating and eating only to purge…. feed this monster called bulimia that I have been so carefully busying myself to avoid (and have "successfully" done so in the past few days at home i must say). The truth is, I already feel like crap today.  I can’t remember a time when I have been running on so little sleep (what is happening to me?)  I have ALL these huge plans (really good things.. and things that I want to get done in my days) but I am seriously lacking the energy and drive to do them. (This is absolutely not the industrious Christina I know)

God, help me right now!

Our internet is not working today, Are you kidding me? (that is basically the only thing in our house to distract myself)… Perfect....

I need to get out of the house.  I am certain if I stay I will binge and purge and start a cycle of failure that I fear would sweep me away.

  So, I dry shampoo my hair ( the stuff really works ), apply some concealer to hide the dark purple circles, squeeze into my jeans that fit a little looser ( I think?) last week, grabbed the computer and hurried out the door.

I found myself in the kids corner of the Indigo book store, in a plastic blue chair with a pile of children's books about families, bears, love, and stuff.  I think that the simplicity of these books speak more to me than any other form of literature.  I tend to overcomplicate everything, so reading simple words of Love are like a breath of fresh air, and speak right to my heart a lot of the time.

One book drew my attention in particular.  It was called Why I Love my Daddy.  One page said “I Love my daddy because He carries me” another said “ I love my daddy because he always has the best ideas” and another  “I love my daddy because he is big and strong”

I think I really needed to be reminded of my father God in this moment.  He is big and strong, right now, when I feel so small and weak and tired, and fearful that I don’t have the strength (in myself) to resist the old temptations that are calling my name.  He Does.

I really am thankful that God has the best ideas because I really have got none.  Just the fact that He gave me the strength to leave the house today, and how I just “ended up” at the book store.  He’s here with me.  He really is.

I really experienced Him Carrying me in this past hour.

God, we made it.  Its only 1:30 (4 more hours until Trevor gets home) I have a bit more hope though.  Dad, thank you for reminding me who you are.  Please keep giving me the best ideas of how to not just run away from the seduction of temptation, but how to face it and laugh (eventually...). 

Carry me, Father.  Carry me for 4 more hours.  I can make it 4 more hours.

I am Strong in the Lord, and in His mighty power.

Strong - especially able, competent, or powerful, of great moral power, firmness, or courage: strong under temptation.

This is who You made me to be, God.  Strong, Able, Courageous.  Help me to see myself like You do.  You live inside me!  (I want to Get this... You... live.... inside..... me.)  I will not live my life running from Fear.  I Will rise to be the woman of strength You call me to be!  

It's me and You, Father. 

I love You because Your always fixing things that I haven't a clue how to fix.... What would I do without You?