When I woke up this morning, early, my heart was in a panic. Now, I would understand this state of heart, had I been going to a job interview, or doing something extremely taxing ( I can't even think of an example right now).. but what I am trying to say is that my to-do list today consists of making a phone call, emailing a friend who wrote me like a week ago, making a mothers day card, and going to the passport office for a renewal...... and the most frustrating thing about the panic I feel about this "no reason to feel taxing" day ahead, is that Trevor is home all day with me! Home to help with any one of those things, should I need him. There are the four things I have written on a blue piece of paper, by the computer - but my mind is swirling with plenty of small tasks that I wouldn't want to actually write down, for fear of looking "overly busy" (We are learning about time margin at church)
I have picked up a good habit, over the past 8 months at Mercy, which is to not say "What is wrong with me?" but I feel that the state of my heart today, and honestly, everyday, for as long as I can remember, requires me to ask myself this question (maybe change the wording a little) "What is wrong on the inside of me?" and to take a good long look at the answer.
For the past few years, I have outwardly lived The Dream Life. Trevor made good money, which allowed me to stay at home ( no kids to stay at home for... just me). I did have a really good job at the bank (for years) but I was getting super stressed, not sleeping, crying all the time, and coping through the eating disorder. Trevor, out of desperation (probably) agreed that I should quit my job and stay home. I also stopped doing youth work and all volunteering at the church, in an effort to eliminate all the sources of my perceived stress. At first, I was happier, more functional. My days, to anyone else, would have been an absolute joke. I had a cleaning schedule (about an hour a day). I would go on walks, bake, cook, hang out with girlfriends (who were at home because they actually had kids), and shop... lots and lots of shopping (so, on other words, I was very bored). I did the same thing everyday, predictable, a pretty easy and light life, you'd assume. Yet, it wasn't long before every morning, after another sleepless night, I would wake up in the same panic, as when I was gone ten hours a day working and traveling for the bank, and managing a crazy schedule.
It doesn't make sense. What it does tell me though, is that the panic and stress I feel, even now, is very much internal...... not external.
I have been captivated with the concept of rest. I recognize this aspect of life that is missing, and I long for it. So..... I've been trying to start my days of with God and reading the bible, worship. I love it! In those moments of quiet, I feel His peace, His love. I'd even venture to say that I feel His rest. I feel filled, and ready to tackle the day (whatever items it holds for me). It isn't long, into my day, before I can feel the panic surface again and I start to feel frantic.
I seems like Christina can have two modes:
1. Fast paced, diligent, don't stop till every last item on the list is checked off (even the line written "Rest"). Go go go, adrenaline rush, listen to upbeat praise music "I can do all things through Christ", listen to a sermon (one of those 10 minute snack sized ones) as I can feel my zeal waning. Keep on going Christina, momentum. If I stop I feel like I'll never get up. Call someone to encourage them, bake something for Trevor's lunch, pray while I'm doing the dishes "thats what I should be doing right? God would want that". Feeling on top of things, I've made healthy eating choices, no diet pop. I'm keeping the body thoughts under control, but I can sense this sadness and frustration with myself take over, and Trevor will be home in an hour, and its not fair that he only gets the tired, critical, angry Christina........ I can't hold it together anymore.........
2. Burned out, weary, lonely, sad, discouraged, "what am I doing wrong?", God must be getting annoyed with me when I'm working - but He wants me to Rest in Him (oh, but I shouldn't be thinking that - its not truth, "focus on truth Christina"), guilty. I just spent another day like I said I wouldn't, want to cancel everything I just committed to for the next couple of days because I'm really really tired. Empty, vacuum mode - I need filling from anything (I'll just have one diet pop, maybe some chocolate, my arms look fat, I should do some push ups before Trevor gets home. Which reminds me, Trevor didn't hug me this morning, actually, has he really paid much attention to me in the past couple of days?)
I feel so strongly, that God wants to Free me from both of these "modes". I believe He wants to show me a new way to live - in Him. I have to believe that He will show me because I'm not "getting it". I read about Rest, and His love, my heart soars and yearns. I can see His face, His eyes. I can hear His voice calling to me, whispering in my ears, see His arms outstretched, inviting me to come.
Why can I not seem to come to You, God?
There is so much I want to do. So many things I want to give my time and energy to. I can say with absolute certainty, now, that I cannot do any of it without God. The pressure and weight on my shoulders is too much. It steals joy, peace, and health from me.
Father, You see my heart. I know you do. Don't give up on me. I need You to show me how to run into Your arms and stay there. Do whatever You have to do..... I mean that, Lord. I give You my heart, my tired, battered, aching heart. Help me to see who You really are, and trust You with my everything. I surrender.... I really do.
Don't allow me to live a life with myself as the source. May You be my source, and the one I depend on for everything.
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