After writing last week about Trevor's affirmations and love never being enough to satisfy me. I have been noticing the other things that I tend to run to in moments of "emptiness." I believe that God really has His finger on this area of my life right now.
For years now, God and I have had this thing with double digits. Actually, a dear woman in my church years ago told me that every time she saw a double digit on the clock, it was God telling her that everything was going to be okay. It stuck with me. And I adopted it as my own instantly. For awhile, when I would notice a double digit, it felt like God reminding me that He loved me. Then I went through a season when double digits were God saying that I am beautiful to Him. No matter what they have meant in the various seasons of my life, seeing a double digit has been a moment for me to pause and focus on God. Even if just for a second... like, a heart connection. Never did I realize the role they would play in my life in this present season, walking out this new transformation.
It took me by surprise, the first couple of days that I was home. I would notice the double digits on the clock at a glance, and it seemed to be at the very moments that I was about to make a decision with food that I may later regret. Sometimes, it was as I was going to make a cup of coffee when I knew that I was really hungry and an apple would be the best choice. Or when I woke in the middle of the night and went straight for the peanut butter, which I wouldn't think about in the moment, but the next morning it would hit me, just how many calories I had consumed the night before, and I would structure my meals accordingly that day to compensate. Or I would see those beautiful double numbers when I was reaching for the diet pop instead of the water, or a handful of chocolate chips while Trevor was in the shower.
Now all these things for a lot of people are not huge deals. So what.. its just coffee... everyone has coffee, and peanut butter... (well I'll admit, it is a little weird the way I like it..... and at night??). Lots of women drink a diet pop right?? Maybe most go for the gourmet kind over Hershey's but who doesn't LOVE chocolate?? .... this is percicely my dilema... this didn't make sense to me. Why was Holy Spirit nagging me. I have been wrestling with this like nobodies business. Why can't I have a freaking cup of coffee God??!!
I've tried to ignore Him. Oh how I've tried! I've purposefully not looked at the clock so that was able to "somewhat" enjoy my coffee and pretend like I was oblivious to Holy Spirit's promptings. Or I would time my coffee pot so that from start to finish (4 minutes) it will not land on a double digit. I'll go to buy a diet pop and look at my phone. If its not a double digit, I'll think "Yes!! I'm "allowed" to get it" even though the fact that I looked at my phone says that I don't have a peace about the whole thing.
Sigh...... You know, I still have not completely figured out what God is doing here with me. I do know, however, that He is good, and that anything He does not want me to do is for my own good. I do not know the why behind His what (and that is so very annoying to me!)
I was listening to Beth Moore (she has become one of my closest companions on this journey :) She was saying that because I am saved and going to heaven, that the enemy cannot steal my salvation, so his agenda for me, is not to trip me up, or have me dabble in sin. Actually his trap for me is to lead me into a full blown addiction, and web of sin, leaving me utterly ineffective in the kingdom. Completely self consumed, wrapped in the guilt and shame cycle......... and frozen in fear.
That was so eye opening for me. Didn't God just rescue me from that... A full blown addiction, complete bondage to food and weight, a web of self sabatogeing sin!
No wonder Holy Spirit is trying to get my attention. He knows the enemies plan for me, and He does not want me to talk right back into that trap. He wants me to stay on this path to freedom.
So what do I do with this?? I find this tricky because. One, I am not the same Christina anymore. And two, I am not going to live in fear that I will go back to my old way of life. So then, when I make a choice (healthy or unhealthy) to do something, it does not mean that I am a victim to that choice or that decision is a rule in my life, as may have been the pattern at one time in my journey.
Are there times when a cup of coffee is appropriate?? I think so, but I don't want it to become something I need and can't do without. I only started drinking it, for the first time in my life at Mercy, because everyone else was doing it (how adolescently silly!) and now I like it..... (sigh.) Can I enjoy chocolate and peanut butter? Maybe not in private or if I feel the need to hide and secretly eat it. But I could enjoy them out in the open with Trevor maybe in an ice cream sundae (it tastes better with someone, in my opinion, anyway. ) And, I don't even want diet pop!!! I just want something sweet without the caloric consequences. I don't want all that chemical junk in my system. This is definitely new Christina speaking right here. I love how water makes me feel. No Chemicals!!! ( Karlie would be so proud!)
So I guess this is my journey right now. Obedience... even when I don't understand the why.
What am I really hungry for when reaching for the chocolate?? Is it an emptiness that would still be there long after the bag was not?
If anything, Holy Spirit, using double digits, is teaching me to stop (in the moment, before I just indulge) and realize that there is something deeper going on inside.
Today, I had a conversation with someone that poked at a wound in my heart. You know, the wounds that we like to pretend are not wounds. Like whatever happened didn't really phase us. A "Ya, I'm totally over that" kind of wound.
After our conversation, I felt a little off. I turned up my worship music in the car, tried to sing but wasn't really feeling it. Didn't really feel like talking to God. Just felt Blah. During my ride home I saw 2 double digits on the clock, so I had this sense that God was trying to get my attention but I was not sure why? I didn't have the urge to do something unhealthy or destructive. I came home, had a bath (thinking that might make me feel a little better.) After seeing 2 more double digits, I finally sat down with my journal and started "Okay God, What are you trying to tell me??!!" Getting this sense that He wanted me to talk to him about the feelings involving my previous conversation with the wound poker. I surface talked with God for a couple paragraphs... then all this emotion came up, anger, hurt, resentment that I didn't even realize was in there! It was crazy. I was crying.... sobbing over this area that I had minimized in my heart. It turns out that I was harboring a lot of hurt and unforgiveness. I've never experienced something quite like that with God before.
He knew all that was in there. He knew that it would probably have been only a matter of time before I was looking to soothe the wound somehow, or cover the hurt.
Excess is always rooted in emptiness. How many wounds do I have that I never let God touch. Open, clean out, heal, and fill. I just keep putting on these cheap dollar store Band-Aids (or if its Dollarama, they are in a box that looks identical to the brand name ones, so you buy them at a glance, bring them home, wonder why they don't stick, only to re-look at the box and see that their called Band-Maids brand..... OMG... so annoying!)...... and I never learn!.... anyway..... I really learned, today, that God understands and cares what is going on in the depths of my heart even when I don't have a clue past blah! And that He wants to heal the wound. My Band-Maids of external comfort are not going to fix anything..... sadly, they only make me feel ripped off when I spent my money on something that doesn't stick.
Its funny because learning all of this about myself doesn't make it any easier to run to God when I'm hurting.......... you think it would. Maybe I'm just so used to dealing with certain issues myself. Covering, minimizing, sucking them up and living with them. Maybe it will take time to trust God to heal them......... to believe that my heart can be fully healed and whole and light.
Psalm 33:16-22
No king is saved by the size of his army
No warrior escapes by his great strength
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength, it cannot save.
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him,
on whose hope is in His unfailing Love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
Lord, You are my (unyielding) Strength. You are a safe fortress (a stronghold of salvation) for Your anointed one. Save me. Bless me, Your (treasured) possession. You lead me like a (Good) Shepherd. You carry me in Your arms forever.
Psalm 28:8&9 (NLT)
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