I have noticed this insatiable need for affirmation... especially from Trevor, and especially if I am feeling critical about myself. Any affirmation he gives me never seems to be enough, though. One day I long for him to affirm me verbally, tell me I'm beautiful (not just when I ask, but out of the blue), the next I'm wishing for a hug (not a pat on the back in passing, but an "all I can think about doing right now is cuddling with my wife" hug), or a long talk, or maybe I just need to talk, and for him to listen, or other days I'm overwhelmed and I just want help around the house, and then, when it seems like I finally know what it is I want (or need?) and when Trev's thoroughly confused and exasperated trying in all "these" areas to show me love.... all of a sudden I'm wishing he had left me a note in the morning or hope he will do something romantic so I will feel remembered or thought of. In other words.... I feel this need to be at the center of his thoughts and attention Constantly! Its almost like this fear, that If I don't remind him, he will forget about me. Its not even like I try to be like this.... unsatisfied, needy. I actually try very very hard to not be like this, and no matter how hard I try to notice the things he is doing and just be appeased and thankful, cry out to God to help me see the Truth, even try to hide this seemingly life sucking nature I see surfacing, it always seems to bubble up, and come out in tears of self pity, cold manipulative silences, or words later regretted that have opened doors for this man I adore, to feel like a failure and and that he's not quite adequate to meet my needs.
Its never enough. I have come to this conclusion after 8 years of marriage. What ever it is that I am looking for that day; if Trevor is successful at meeting that need or not, it doesn't matter because I will be satisfied or unsatisfied for a moment, an then I will feel empty again... searching for more love and attention to fill me. Its like there is this small hole inside of me. The hole is not big enough to draw attention to itself (to anyone other than those who know me.... so thats pretty much only Trevor.) Most would probably not see it there. Or have any reason to speculate that there is an abnormal hitch inside. It is, however, sizable enough to leak out most love and goodness showered upon my life on a daily basis by God, Trevor and others.
This is my frustration. I know that God is the source of all love, and the meeter of all my needs.
I attempt to run to Him, I tell Him what I need. I read His words of affirmation over my life, His Truth
........... It just feels like it doesn't penetrate my heart.
Is the truth that I am secure already? Is it just my feelings telling me that I'm empty and in need? God's word says that He has filled everything (thats me) in every way. That I lack nothing, He's given me everything I need. I am fully Loved, completely accepted, and totally pleasing to Him.
How do I walk in this?? How do I believe its True!
God,
I need Your help. I know that You do not benefit from my insecurity. I do not benefit from my insecurity, and Trevor definitely does not benefit from my insecurity, not to mention my daughters that are to come. You Must make me secure, God!
Where is the disconnect? What is blocking my heart from receiving your love? Please remove it.
God, it almost feels like I can't run to you with the things I long to hear... Honestly, deep deep down, below what I think I believe, or would tell myself I believe, I actually believe that You are not willing to speak Love to those broken places inside.... those places where I very much feel like a little girl still, wanting my dad to tell me I'm beautiful, and that he's proud of me, or that I'm a good person, or gifted at something, or hug me, or want to spend time with me.
God, I do not have Faith that I am unconditionally accepted by You. That You would willingly want to offer Love and displays of affection without me having to earn, hint, ask, or manipulate for them. I do not Trust that Christina (just me) would take Your breath away, and captivate You without doing something that I perceive as being captivating or note worthy to You.
There is a part of my heart that is closed to you, closed to everyone for that matter. A place that feels cold and withered and empty.
Lord, I can trust You for a lot of things. You will take care of me. You will provide. You will help me, and answer my prayers, teach me, bless me, but the absolute fear that is attached to taking this soft, vulnerable, yearning part of me to You is paralyzing.
There have been times in my life where that piece of my heart has been brought to others, in a desperate attempt to be heard or validated. The few times, my safe guarded treasure was met with harshness, indifference, coldness... I really hurt me, God. I don't even know if hurt encompasses the feeling. It killed me inside.
I bet there was once upon a time that this secret chamber of my soul was filled with happy things, hopeful things, color, light. It may still even be in there, just smothered by volumes of pain and sorrow from years of feeling unseen and being unexpressed.
I sense that You are putting Your finger on this area of my life, God. I believe that there are things in my heart that need to come out, and I feel a loneliness from being locked, only living on the surface, that is becoming unbearable.
You are calling to the deep parts of me. I can taste it. I desire to run to You. I desire to come to You. I long to Believe You! I want to drink in Your words and let them trickle down into every crack and dry place in my heart. I want Your definition, Your Truth to become who I am. To cease the search in desolate places.
God, I need Your help, so that I can see You for who You really are. Help me to fully trust You.
God, speak to my heart, all the things I long to hear. Take away this fear of being hurt by You.
Romans 10:17 - Faith (believing what God says is True) comes by hearing and hearing by God's word.
I've heard this verse so many times. I will keep speaking Your word. I will keep reading and listening. Teach me in this, Father. Impart to me what a Perfect Father looks like, and what it means to be perfectly Loved by You.
I want to be Free to be Your daughter! ..... whatever that looks like
Make me a Believer of You. Give me more of a hunger for Your word. Open my eyes.
Give me Your strength to keep going. And the courage to not give in to the feelings, but to hold to Truth.
Hebrews 4:12 - For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart
Romans 12:2 (NLT) Christina, Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
You are enlightening me.... I'm not the same person that I was.... I'm just not where I'd like to be. I want to be okay with that. I'll probably never be where I think I should be. Thank you, Father, You don't give up, You love me enough to keep healing my heart.
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