Today I'm Home For Christmas

Merry Christmas!

It doesn't really feel like Christmas this year... I know people say that every year.. but it's really true for Trev and I.
We are in BC.. Our families are in Alberta and Manitoba.  We have never not spent Christmas with one of our families... feels weird.

We have both been saying (in the weeks leading up to this day) that we are so excited to have a quiet Christmas.  Watch Home Alone 2, sleep in (I'm up writing this at 7:30 AM.....) drink Tea, cook a small meal (Trev is cooking his Grandpa's stuffed Pork tenderloin, remembering Grandpa Lewis today,) just lounge around.

The truth is... I miss family.  I miss the gathering of Christmas.  I miss Trev's dad's Christmas breakfast omelets, gingerbread houses, watching everyone open gifts, a Christmas tree, and lights.  I wish I could watch the kids open presents, hug my dad,  listen to Bob and Judy's stories behind each Christmas ornament, sit with Grannie and chat about nothing and everything.

Our blue and red spider man tree

Gingerbread house... Trevor always adds something inappropriate!

Christmas 2005... He looks so little!

Christmas breakfast with our family (and Daniel!!)

There are things I don't miss... The business, the stressful "perfect gift", the alcohol centered parties and events, snow... (ya I said it... I don't miss the snow!!)
I also don't miss the feeling of having to be "on" around family and friends.  The feeling of not quite being able to be my true self.....
Sadly, I don't have that freedom with anyone but Trevor... and that makes me very thankful for Home this year... (Our BC home)

Home, a place where you can be you.  Fully you.
Like yesterday, for some reason on Christmas Eve... I was in a rotten mood (gasp).  I was tired and crying and getting super agitated by everything (I think its that time of the month approaching..) Trev and I fought in Safeway... like a big one, where I walked (briskly) ten feet ahead of him, and where I stared out the passenger side window all the way home in silence.  We spent more than an hour at home talking/arguing/crying(K, that was just me) 

My point is, it may not have been the perfect Christmas Eve (the one I had been planning for)... but it was real, it was definitely raw, and it was home.... 

It's Home!
I didn't have to hide, fake being super joyful and triumphant... I was me.

Pastor John spoke last night about the stable that Jesus was born into.  He spoke about it being dark, cold and smelly and dirty.... The things we don't think of when we romanticise the story.
He asked, Why would God send His own son (who deserved the life of a king) to a gross stable to be born?

Then Pastor John went on to say something that I have not been able to stop thinking about. 

It's because, the stable is often like our hearts and lives. 

Dark - Hiding the things and parts of our lives that we want no one to see
Cold - Void of God's Love, and unable to  truly give Love
Smelly and dirty - from the stench and mess of our sins.  Our attempts to "be a good or better person", the things that we run to to give us life, but only bring more sorrow.  The messes we make when we take the reigns of our own lives.

Jesus comes into the stable of our lives

Emanuel... God with us

He's here with me, when I'm angry and its Christmas (and your not supposed to be angry on Christmas!) He's here when I'm empty and searching for something to give me life..(in all the wrong places!)  He's here with me when I'm horribly insecure and unloving and tremendously disrespectful to my husband.  He's come to our home, inhabited by two people with a growing, but still small ability to truly love the other.  He comes into the center of my messy, self righteous, striving, filthy rags of a life.

He comes as my Savior

 because whether I will always admit it or not... 

I desperately need one.

Home Alone 1 on Christmas Eve

Candlelight service (Right before Trevor snapped his candle...)

My gift to Trev.  A German beer stein that says "There is no beer in Heaven, that's why I drink it here on earth"

Omelets... Guess who's is who's??

After our fight, Trevor and I joined hands and prayed for Jesus to be the center of our marriage (that is sometimes cold)  To in the very middle of our home (which despite our efforts to hide, and quick cleans.... is sometimes dirty and smelly) We asked Him to change us... save us.... Not because we are super spiritual....ha!  We joined hands and prayed, because we are desperate for a Savior.

Trev with his gifts.. lookin all bedheady 

My gift, a huge set of Markers.... (If you know me, you would know how excited I am !!!)

I'm happy today

Whatever the day brings, because I don't have to puff up when I'm weak, hide my heart, pretend.......

A free photo taken in Stanley Park

Today I'm Home for Christmas..... and for that I'm Thankful.

........ plus, I get to watch Home Alone 2 with the sexiest man alive!! ( He even lets me rewind the funny parts!!)

Makes me Laugh.... like can't breathe laugh!

I love the old guy's face!!

XOXOXO

Her Heart Grew 3 Sizes That Day

To be honest... I was a little bummed the week leading up to my 30th Birthday.  One, because this is a huge milestone birthday and you are "supposed" to so something wild and crazy with your girlfriends or something.... ( not that I even do wild and crazy!!) I've made a few girlfriends since I've been out here in BC... But none that know me enough to really celebrate and all who have their own tight circle of sisters .. also, its like a few days before Christmas and everyone is going away or busy...
Two, because all my family and friends are back in Calgary or Manitoba.  I've actually kept in such horrid contact this past year with everyone, and missed everyone's birthdays (which I have never done before!) that I didn't expect anyone to really remember mine.... 

Oh my gosh, I sound like I'm 10.... and a little (lot) bitter!

Deep down, I was expecting to be forgotten... not by Trevor though, oh no!!   I had made it very apparent that he could not forget me.... Actually, sadly, all the pressure to "make me feel special on my 30th" fell on him... He was a little stressed to say the least.... I realized this about 3 days ago, when God shone a light in my heart and I realized that I was trying to control to make sure that I was loved and not forgotten (very draining on Trev... and me!)  It's funny, that when I was finally (after many tears under my covers) able to trust my heart and my birthday to God, and let Him minister His Love and thoughts toward me, I was able to release Trevor,  I felt peace.... Peace to be okay no matter what did or didn't happen... it was really cool.

Anyway, to say that I was blown away yesterday, is to say the least.  I was humbled by the words, gifts, and phone calls.  I was humbled by the thoughts that came out to me yesterday... especially by my husband!

Trev had to work, but I woke up to a birthday kiss and cuddle (Sigh)

Followed by texts from Carl (my brother), Kathy (my sis), and Karlie (one of my besties)

Then, once I got out of bed, I sat at the table and decided to open 2 gifts that I got sent to me.  I actually pictured Jesus sitting with me (He knows I love Presents and cards!) I didn't feel alone!

Text from my brother in law Chris

Text from my dear childhood friend Missy

The first gift was from my friend Jenna (in Nova Scotia).  She sent me a card filled with beautiful words and a dark chocolate bar.  Her gift was so precious to me because she took the time and effort so that I would feel loved and thought of.   Really touched me!

Then I opened the gift from my mother and father in law.  You have to know something about my mother in law, she is the most thoughtful gift giver.  Everything was wrapped and butterflied (She has remembered that I loved butterflies from the first Christmas I spent with them (even before Trev and I were married) All my gifts have a butterfly theme... (like all!) and I love it!
Inside the butterfly box was a candle (with butterflies), a Christmas ornament that said "Believe in Miracles!" (she has single handidly filled our Christmas tree with ornaments too!), and a new Pandora charm for my bracelet.  It was a dangley one with an angels wing and a pearl (exactly what I had wanted!)  Beyond any of the gifts that they gave me, the most significant, and meaningful, was her words in my (Butterfly) card.

I think her words impacted me so very much, because I have always struggled with not feeling good enough for Trevor's mom.  She is an amazing woman.  Hard working, she sews and cooks, she worked full time while raising two boys.  Her house is always immaculate.  She's beautiful and successful, and wise.  She's like freaking Super Woman!
I feel like on so many levels, I don't measure up to her.  For one, I don't work.  Her and Bob worked so hard and paid their house off so young. I know that they want that for Trev and I..... hard to do when I'm not working.... I guess I carry guilt from my not quite tall enough measuring stick.
Her words touched me.  I sat at the table and cried.  I needed to hear that so much... more than she knew!

Phone call from my mom

Email from Judy (mother in law)

Email from Bob (father in law)

Text from Matt (Trevor's dear friend from high school who has become my dear friend)

Went out to Starbucks (with a Starbucks card from Linda, our dear beautiful friend) Drank a never before had (by Christina) Peppermint Moka.. With Whip!

Also, It's Dec 21 and there are Pansies.... Pansies outside!!

Headed to Ardene's where I bought 2 pairs of knee high socks (for under my boots), a ring, and red and gold nail polish.

On my way home, stopped in at a new boutique.... Got talking with the woman at the till (I was the only one in the store)  We must have talked for half an hour.  She just got back from Africa.  She and her husband have a soccer ministry for helping orphaned children... I could have listened to her stories all day!!

Came home, painted my nails red (with one finger gold, even though I said I would not succumb to that fashion craze) Listened to Brene Brown interview on U Tube "The Power of Being Vulnerable"

Actually (almost) sat long enough for all my nails to dry (what do you think of that Kendra!!  Proud of me hey?)

Trev came home early.  I didn't know what he had planned.  All I knew was to be ready when he got home and have a nap.

Opened his gift that he's been working on for a few weeks prior.  It came wrapped with words from his heart written all over the paper, and a .99 voucher for me to buy an upgrade on a photo app that I've been wanting (small gift, but HUGE to me... and sooooo thoughtful!)

It was a picture book of our year in BC.  It was so beautiful and made with so much detail and attention.  He didn't miss a thing, a moment or event!  I will cherish this book forever!

Talked to my mother and father in law

Then we were off to watch Twilight (which I'd been waiting to see... lame I know!)..... also meant alot that Trev chose this movie... well... because it means Trevor would have to sit through 2 hours of Edward, Jacob, kissing, and awkward Love scenes.... What a man I have!!!

Trev bought me a Yo gen Fruz! (Which I didn't need.... but, its like some kind of a law that I always have to get one when I'm at the theatre)

Random Text from our awesome friends Steve and Beth (from Calgary) who we usually go to see Twilight movies with... (this was the first we'd seen without them, but they text ed right as the movie was starting... so weird!)  We usually just spend the movie laughing and and making fun...

Went out for Sushi, at a place Trevor had done his research and found (We had both never really tried it before... so it was an adventure!)

It was really good.... but we ordered way too much food!

And I'm wearing my new sweater that Trevor got me!

Phone call and Text from Kendra (My dear friend)

Text from Loretta (Making sure I was planning on eating chocolate today!.... YUP!)

My dad hadn't called all day, and I actually thought he forgot ( I was trying not to feel hurt).... But when we got out of the movie, He had left a message... Sigh.... all is well!

Came home to find that Trev had got the stuff to continue on the Shirley (my maiden name) family birthday cake tradition that my dad started when we were kids.

You take a tub of ice cream, dump it out, and cover it with chocolate, peanuts, smarties, strawberries.... whatever you want, and everyone just digs in with a spoon.... So awesome!!

We were both too full to do that when we got home, but we'll most likely do that tonight!

Sooooo.... we "went to bed" (wink wink... oh man... I hope my dad never reads this blog... I would just die if he read that!)

Text from my sister in law Tanya.  They had also gotten me a birthday present a month ago when she came out.  It was a book about Australia for Trev and I to use when we get there (soooo needed!) and a  cute book.   It's just a fun fact insomnia journal... made me smile...  (Her and Chris are also super thoughtful and creative gift givers!!)

Also, I forgot to mention that I had been craving DQ dilly Bars for like 3 weeks... So on our life group Christmas Party last week, Trevor surprised me with Dilly Bars and one wrapped in the box,  especially for me, with ribbon and a note!! It was sooooo sweet!!

All in all, I had an amazing day!

I got 56 messages on Facebook with beautiful words and thoughts.... from those I  did expect to write and those I  didn't even consider that they would take the time to write...... Filled my heart!

I guess I kind of feel like the Grinch today.  I was expecting to feel lonely and forgotten (deep down) and I was a little (lot) bitter..... but my heart has grown        ( 3 sizes today)  by the surprising display of Love and care that I felt.

I am overwhelmed and humbled.  Makes me realize the impact that taking a few minutes to write someone a note or send them a card or text, or do something thoughtful,  can make such a huge impact on their day.... and life!

Today was not about all the gifts and making sure that "special things" happen for Christina.  It was about me realizing how very much relationships matter in my life.  How much loving and being loved is the bottom line of everything that means anything to me!

This makes me laugh so so hard!!!  He cries like me!!! Also, that is what happens when Trevor feels!!

Lesson learned Christina!!

I may have shared a lot of details, in this post, that may not seem relevant to others ... but every ounce of this day is precious to me and I wanted to document it and breathe it in.

Thank you everyone for reminding me that I am Loved!

Thanks you, God, for knowing what I needed today..... and always doing exceedingly, abundantly, more than I could ask or imagine!

XOXOXO

So Long 20's

December 20, 2012

Also, the last day of my 20's.

Tomorrow, I turn 30!

It feels a little weird.  I don't have much to write today, but as I was out on a walk earlier, I felt the urge to write down the things that I am believing for in this next year of my life.

Next Year

I pray that this next year of my life would be one of release. 
I picture myself standing by a river, my pockets full of rocks... Rocks that represent doubt, unbelief, fear, hopelessness, familiarity, discouragement, judgement of myself, judgement of others, cares and worry. Rocks that have been weighing me down for years.  I can see myself, as I begin to release the stones, one at a time and cast them into the river.  All my doubts about God are replaced with belief.... Plain old child like belief in Him and His words.
A year where I become Carefree in the care of God.  Reckless abandon to live life Fully and completely awake in my soul.

A year to believe that I am simply Loved and Accepted by Him.
The places in my heart where I have held onto hurt and pain, the places where darkness has overtaken and nothing has been able to grow.  I pray that light would flood into every dark corner of my heart. I pray that  life would begin to spring up.

I pray that this next year I would learn to love Trevor fearlessly and with abandonment with God as my life source.  I pray that our marriage would be more child like in love... where we can simply express love freely,  accept love with open arms,  forgive and let go with ease.  My prayer is that both of our eyes be opened and flooded with light to see and understand our Father's heart.  That our true Joy would be found as He makes His Home in us.

I pray that this would be a year of laughter.  A time to stop running from areas where I could possibly fail... and embrace the adventure of the unknown.  I pray that the older I get, the more childlike and Trusting I become.

I'm praying for sleep this year.  Balance and wholeness in my body and mind.

I'm believing this year for my womb to be blessed with beauty.  I'm asking to feel the miracle of movement in my stomach, and a glow from the inside out.  A new life to signify the newness that Trevor and I have begun to walk in.

I pray that this year our roots would grow down, and we would begin to find rest in home.  Continue building this house that makes room for many.  

I pray for a year of deep Peace.  I pray that Trev and I could experience more Peace than anyone knows is humanly possible.  I pray that our lives would be utterly soaked in the Peace and presence of God.

Thank You, Father, for what you have done in my life thus far.  Where you have brought me from.  The life that you have saved me from.  I know that with You, my path drips with abundance.  That Goodness and Mercy follow me all the days of my life.  Help me to see You this year... Like really see You.  Please continue to open My heart to Grace

XOXOXO

Flutter-By's......

I started reading a book today.  One I got at the thrift store for 1.75!! (yessssssss)
Its called, "God Works the Night Shift" (It's an oldy)

I got this book, along with some other thrift treasures for under $5.00... Just sayin!

I'm going to share a portion that caught my attention.

I've been told that a group of researchers once studied one hundred caterpillers which were about to fight their way free from chrysalis (or the cacoon.)  Instead of letting them struggle, however, the observers gently cut them out and released them.
Then they set the insects on a table to get them to fly.  But none of them could.  Not one.

The little study demonstrated that the time of wrestling and fighting through the walls of the cocoon actually gives the wings of the butterfly the strength to take to the air.  The very struggle - all of the pushing and thrashing - of the insect to free itself from restraint is what makes its new life possible.

Without the strife, there is no strength

This is where I have to believe that in all this struggle and strife in my life, that I will break free.... I will have strength in my new wings to fly....
I would love to have the answers to my gazillion quesions.  I would love to be gently cut out of all that restrains and entangles me.....

No matter what I see in myself, He is making me like Him.

I'm growing

I'm changing

Weak made Strong in the Savior's Love

It's funny to me that a catapillar struggles to be freed from it's cocoon, which is really a protection from its environment..... a place where is changes into what it was meant to be.
It seems like I too, am wrapped in God's cocoon.  Wrestling to understand His Love and Truth, shedding my old skin and being formed into a new creature.

This process is hard... and not because it's a hard process... but because, I'm not very good at processes!..... Especially when mine seems painfully slow...

I want to fly
Move
I am so freaking sick of these limitations enclosing me

Isaiah 40:31
Why would you ever complain, Christina,
    or, whine, saying,
“God has lost track of me.
    He doesn’t care what happens to me”?
Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening?
God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
    He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.    And he knows everything (every part of my heart and mind, every struggle), inside and out.
He energizes you, who gets tired,
    gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
    young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
    They spread their wings and soar like eagles (or Butterflies??!),
They run and don’t get tired,    they walk and don’t lag behind.

I want these Truths to go from wrestlings in my mind and with my flesh to become

Heart truths

Revelations that cause me to break free and FLY

God,

 Help me to trust You in all this.  Help me to see.  Help me to understand what is so dark and unknown to me.  Bring Your light.  Lead me in Your word.  Let Truth become a part of me.

Bring Your Peace to calm this storm and struggle inside.  Help me to rest, Father.  

XOXOXO