What the Heck is a Blob?!

So Karlie texts me this morning and randomly asks me to list my heart desires

I did... and it was so awesome to write them down... have a fresh drench of Hope.

Desires of my heart

1.  To be an Awesome Wife to Trevor
To be his friend.  To inspire Him and help him believe that he can do anything.  To go on adventures with him.  Laugh..... Lots!
To someday provide wisdom to other young couples starting out... lol... potentially save them from some frustration and sleepless nights on the edge of the mattress!!

2.  Children
To be a really stand up,  fun mom, and a Homemaker.  To instill a Love and excitement for the Word of God in my children.... and to learn to nurture their unique giftings.  I want my kids... even Trevor and I to truly believe that with God, anything is possible... no matter what!

3.  Salvation for Trev and my families
To see them walking in God's freedom, and purposes. Divine health, healing and prosperity.

4.  To learn to live everyday Healthy and Strong, full of God's Life and Energy.
To actually get younger the older I get - like a miracle.. Maybe even have a baby in my old age like Sarah did.... and be a Stone Cold Fox at age 80!!
To learn and walk in,  the richness of the life God intended for us

5.  For Trevor to meet Dave Grohl

6.  Write a book

7.  Own a plot of land with a big house
To have at least 8 bedrooms, a garden, a big yard, and a huge dining room table, a workshop for Trevor to build cool things (from Pintrest:)

8.  To worship with Laura Woodly Osmond

9.  Heal Someone
Well.... be used by God to heal someone.... He did say to me.... You heal the sick, raise the dead....

10.  Play on a blob

11.  Play the piano, guitar, drums, be on a dance/worship arts team.

12.  Have a huge closet full of awesome clothes that girls can come and freely pick what they want out of my wardrobe... and have it be supernaturally replenished.
Learn to sew and make my own clothes!

13. To see every young girl feel as beautiful and sought after as a model, to provoke and call out beauty in others.

It's such a good reminder to myself about how good God is.
All things are possible with Him.

I'm so thankful for all my friends who challenge my faith, and encourage me.
God knows, somedays I really really need it!

Psalm 37:4
 Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.

I love to hear other's heart desires.
Send me your hearts desires if you want.... I would actually be thrilled to hear them and watch God do some Freakin Miracles!

XOXOXO

Perfect

Dear God,

I really need you to open my eyes.  I feel so blinded.  I know that there are things that I am missing, seeing dimly…. But I don’t know another way to see. 

 Give me your eyes

There are things that actually seem impossible to me.
Like standing naked in front of a mirror and truthfully, wholly loving my body.

I don’t think there is a morning that goes by, in the first minutes lying in bed, that I don’t feel and measure the squish of my stomach, as if the bigger the handful I can grab will determine how acceptable I am today.

I allow my hands to run over my arms, which used to fit inside my closed grasp, but now just feels too big and completely wrong.

I’m am instantly aware of my thighs that fit tight together, as there is no space that separates them anymore.

You know this, Father. 

You know my thoughts, even when they are far away from You

I am not hidden from Your sight, as I make my way to the bathroom, You watch as my eyes naturally fall to my stomach, measuring meticulously how far it sticks out today which is a direct result of my yesterday's success or failure.  Missing the ribs I used to see that would always give me a stable…. You are still somewhat acceptable, Christina.

I look at my legs in the mirror, like I’m looking at something so horrific that I want to look away from, but my eyes are glued. I can’t seem to tear them away, wonder how something could have become so awful.

Fail

Before I even start my day, usually

Not good enough, and COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE

I don’t have to memorize those negative words, or write them on my bathroom mirror… even remember to engage in this cruel routine, and fast track dialogue of criticism. It is something I do well, and with ease. 

Almost like second nature

I just heard a speaker say that failure is succeeding in the things that don’t matter.

In my case, of all the things I desire to be successful at, hating myself is not one… but yet I find myself at the top of the class on the Honor roll.

We were challenged to write a Love Letter to our bodies in woman’s group.  I have been putting this off… even now I find it hard to write the words to my body specifically.  I feel immense guilt, and responsibility for the way I have treated it, the things I have put into it, and failed to feed it.  My mind instantly goes to the thoughts of hopelessness… 

like things may never change…..

I’m digging deep, though, because I believe there is MORE… I believe God is in me.. and I am His…… and I realize that there is a truth that I am not quite grasping.

 A freedom that I am not yet awakened to

Father,

I trust You, and I am willing to see things a different way. I am willing to see me through Your eyes…. I can’t promise You that I will change.. I’ve already tried and failed (too many times to count).  The thought of thinking differently about myself, and my body seems overwhelming and strange.  There is also a lot of fear attached to a different way of thinking. If I accept my body, love my body, will I just resign from my boot camp improvement regiment, and will I remain the same?

In spite of all my fears, I am willing to try things Your way.

One thing I know about You, is that You ARE Love… and all You do is in the way of Love.

I’m going to need Your help because I have fallen far from the tree in the Love department.

I am willing to give You my old words… one at a time.  I’m willing to hand them over for good, let go… even wait empty handed until You put some new ones in my hand.

Father, I’m not just asking You for a “I can live with that” kind of change.  I am asking You to do a deep transforming work in my heart.  I am asking You to replace, renew, restore the way I see and treat myself.

I’m done fighting with perfection.  I’m done striving to form myself, my body in to acceptable.

I need You.  I can’t do this alone.  In fact, I am really scared to trust You with my body, and health… even though, in my own hands, I have made a HUGE mess.

Increase my faith

I’m choosing to Trust You

I’m opening my hands to You right now… and I release these words that seem to have become a part of me… words that I will feel naked without…. You can have them

Failure

Fat

Gross

Not Good enough

Unacceptable

Disgusting

Ugly

Father, each one belongs to You, now.

Please show me when they are floating in my head…. I may not even be aware. Most of them rarely make it out of my mouth, but continually run their track in my thoughts…. Help me to replace them with Your thoughts.

I have some new ideas for words that are coming to my mind, but I am afraid to write them down because I don’t believe them yet.

I want this change. I want the thoughts I think to be genuine, and true for me.

I don’t feel like I can hold a lot of new words yet… so I’m going to grab onto one phrase that comes to mind.

Perfectly Made

I will co-operate with You, God, as You write this, deep in my heart.

I see a picture in my head right now.   I'm holding my new born baby girl in my arms.  Pouring over her tiny, soft, fragile body. Perfect.  Running my hand over her sparse head of hair…. There is not much there, but it’s Perfect.  Her eyes, not even fully opened, colourless to me right now, but I can already tell, they are Perfect.  I haven’t gotten to know this daughter of mine yet.  I don’t know if she’s introverted, extroverted.  I don’t know if she will sleep well, not at all.  I wonder if she will be like me, or Trevor more.  I don’t know if we will always get along, If she will look up to me, if we will have similar interests.  Not sure if she will like pink, or green best.

There is one Truth, and I feel as if I’m holding her right now, holding her in the midst of all the question marks, and I am absolutely sure that whoever this sweet girl grows up to be, she is a treasure to me.

 She is Perfect.

She fills my heart with precious Joy

I’m not sure why this picture came to my head.  I’m not sure why it provoked so many tears to flood down my face.

Write a new Story on my heart, Father

Your story

Your words

Your Heart

I am Perfectly Made, and I belong to You

XOXOXO

Covered in Your Crap

Its so hard to watch those I love and care about struggle

With life
With health
Relationships

Without God

It's funny because whenever I go to Trevor with a problem or a hurt, I want him to listen, to sympathize, to just sit with me for a minute in my pain or frustration.  I just want him to see me and understand that my heart hurts
Usually, I already have been working on a solution, I have already determined that I do not want to stay in this place (of self pity, of hopelessness or despair)
I just want to be Loved and accepted in the place where I am 

This is much to Trevor's frustration, because he just wants to help.  He wants to give me practical solutions.  Maybe when he hears me talk negatively, he gets scared that I'm going to camp there.
So he tells me all the things that are good.  He tells me what might work easing my agony.  He always outshines the negative with the positive........

This is much to my frustration

But, alas,

When a loved one..... even when Trevor comes to me in this negative space (which isn't very often for him) I tend to jump into the same responsible, problem solving role that annoyingly comes so easy to Trevor.

I have someone in my life right now.  Someone who I would equate having the same love and depth of concern that I would have for my own daughter.  Someone who was there when I walked through so much death with the eating disorder.  She was there when I fell... and there to see me rise.

And now, she is going through a horrible despairing time.  She is facing her past, addiction, fear, loneliness, rejection, and shame.  Now, she is faced with choices and desisions that will lead her closer to life abundant, or death.... and I'm watching. Praying. Waiting.  Agonizing.

I never want to be the person that someone would feel judged around, like they have to hide their crap from me.  I long to be someone who embraces, even when I'll get covered in crap myself by doing so.  Yet, I feel like this precious someone doesn't feel safe with me to bear her heart with me.

And I wonder, is it because I am quick to speak and slow to listen?
Because I look at the What first, and glance at the Why that lies behind?
Maybe it's my own fear that seeps through, that she'll camp out in this place of despair, and I'll have to watch death slowly take it's toll.
Or, I see so much more in her, and it breaks my heart that she can't see it.  It is agonizing to watch her make choices toward captivity (even the same choices I once made... even now could, and do easily make) when I have tasted freedom and can help her to get there.

Somehow (like usual) my true heart for her, my acceptance, my compassion, and understanding is lost and misinterprated in my advice, my problem solving, my solutions for her "problems", (sadly) even my scripture references.

Why can't I just listen like I wish Trevor would?
Why can't I just put all my own fear and worry aside, trust that God is already working in her heart and leading her toward making a good desision, and just listen.  Just care.

Planting a tree of Hope at Mercy for those who still need Freedom!

God, 
Make me one who sees and understands.  Father, I pray that those who come to me would find Grace, compassion, and a friend.  I pray that you would help me to see the why behind the what in those I love.  Help me not to fix, but to Trust that You can and are doing all the fixing.
Make me approachable, father, like You.
Quick to listen and slow to speak.
Father, I thank you that you are working behind the scenes in the heart, where I cannot see.  I thank You that you are breathing life in her where I can only see death.  Give me eyes to see her like you see her, as the woman that you created and formed in her mother's womb.  Even the dark isn't dark to You.  The night shines like the day to You.  Help me to see through Your eyes.
Help me to have faith.
You are stronger than me, Your plan is better than mine.  Your work is sure and study and lasts a life time.
I trust You God.
I trust you, and I release this precious daughter from my grip  into Your big, strong, capable hands.
Father, have Your way in her.
Can You restore what has been broken, and redeem what's been stolen.
Make her whole.
Free her.

I pray that You would give her a Spirit of wisdom and revelation, that she may know You more.  That the eyes of her understanding would be enlightened, that she would know the Hope to which You have called her and the riches of Your Glorious inheritance for her.

Thank You for Your work, father...... in my heart as well.
Thank You for Your Grace that covers, sins, mistakes, and short commings.

Help me to see Trevor's true heart, and other's, when I feel like I can't approach in my own weakness.  Even then, give me eyes to see.

I believe in you precious girl!

XOXOXO

 

Quiet Strength and Unshakable Faith

One of my very best friends in the whole world, Karlie, sent me a card when I was at Mercy.
I have read this card so much that it is tattered and worn now.  
She found these words in a book, and felt God telling her that they were for me, but I feel as if they speak deeply to so many of us.. so I'm going to share them.

He is growing you
He is teaching you
He is freeing you

He is growing you into a woman of quiet strength and unshakable fatih
He is wiping you clean of any trace of fear... and that process is terrifying
He is teaching you that no matter what you experience in this life, or what you go through, He will be with you

He is truth, no matter what
He is teaching you your worth through Him

He is showing you your beauty
It does not come through anything you do
The way you look
or how much you earn
So therefore, nothing you can do can make it go away

Your beauty comes from His unfailing love
and His undying strength
Everything good inside of you is Him
He is trying you
Burning you
Purifying you
Making you more precious than gold
Oh the Joy that is to come!
Oh the Joy that has already come!
He is teaching you to become more sensitive to His Spirit
He is filling you with an undying desire to know Him more
And to read His word, more and more and more!


You belong to Him!
You belong to Him!
You belong to Him!

You are His lioness
He is teaching you hat you needn't roar at every chance
But that He has given you that for a special time
A time yet to come
You will wait on Him
You will run to Him
You will dive into Him
You will long for nothing more
He is your desire
He is your portion

He is so in Love with you!
He is so in Love with you!

XOXOXO

Home Is Where My Heart Is

Oh hey!

I got a job.  I work at the Moka Coffee House.  I like it.  Love the people I work with.  Love making coffees, and interacting with people.  The hours are descent(ish)

My heart's not in it though.

I'm working a lot of hours, and I'm finding myself sooo stretched.
I guess I have been spoiled for the past few years.  Trevor has made enough that it was an option for me to not work and stay home.
The past few years, it probably wasn't the best idea that I stay home alone all day, as it gave me ample opportunity to indulge in eating disorder behaviour, and unhealthy habits.... but even in that darker time of my life, I loved cleaning and cooking for Trevor, laundry, baking.  I loved decorating and making our home feel homey.

Home is where my heart is.

Psalm 113:9 says (Amp)
He makes the Christina to be a homemaker and a joyful mother of [spiritual] children. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!)

God, please make me a really good Homemaker.

Since Mercy, I feel like I have been on a bit of a journey, searching for purpose, learning healthy ways to spend my time and energy, learning to be healthy...... Learning to walk again.

I feel like I have been in full time school of Life in God.  Most everything I have learnt in the past eight months has been somewhat trial and error.....through heartache, and healing.
 I have spent a lot of days floundering, a lot of days feeling lost, hopeless, questioning everything.  I have shed a bundle of tears, beat myself up, ran a few hundred laps around the same mountains.
I have learnt the power of my words and choices through the pain of their harvest.  I have learnt the smallness of a life, time, and possessions hoarded.  I have been faced with my own weakness and limitations.  I have fallen when trying to find strength in my own frail frame.  I have seen my own imperfections, and had moments of acceptance despite.
I've wasted some days, hours, moments.  I've layed down.  I've hurt and been hurt.  I've felt unheard, and chose not to listen.

I read a quote somewhere that said

"If you want to change the world, pick up a pen"

I really took that to heart, and learnt that if I really want to change my world, pick up my modern day Apple pen and type.

And so here I am.... writing, learning, wrestling.
 Its funny that my word is Moments, for this year..... and as I look back, that is exactly what stands out for me.  Moments.

The good, bad, hard, happy.
I have learnt so much and grown so very much.

I feel like dots are beginning to connect in my heart.  I feel like my eyes are beginning to be opened to Grace and what it means to be In Christ.
I'm learning to see my weakness, not as a shameful "unique to me curse", but as a human experience.
I'm learning that the things I do, and say, and struggle with, do not even come close to defining who I am.

I am learning to replace utter hate and disdain for myself with Love and kindness (a very hard, and surprisingly healing process for me)

Inside this girl, who doesn't know which way is up most days.  This girl who doesn't easily learn from her mistakes.  This girl who always seems to choose the hardest, longest way, and lives more for instant gratification than long term success...... I can feel that there is a strength that is building inside of me.

I am learning...slowly but ever so surely that life is found in God alone... and I feel like my trust in that statement is building in the days when I can't find my faith, run to lifeless idols and end up disappointed and hurting.

Oh Faith, and Trust.  Believing that I am utterly lovable to God, and wholly accepted in Christ.
Righteous
Holy
Pure
The object of His Love and affection

I have been challenged to treat myself, and speak to myself, love myself, nourish myself, like I would my own daughter who I would see with eyes of kindness, Grace.
As I would with her, I want to be willing to see the why behind the what for myself, and respond with compassion, and tenderness.

Criticism, coldness, disdain, and negativity stops growth.
I heard once that a child stops growing when you stop believing in them.

I want to believe in myself.
I want to stop solely looking for the affirmation I need from others and start believing in myself.
Trusting that God is for me.

That the same power that raised Christ from the dead, lives in me and also gives life to my mortal body.
God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than I could even ask or imagine, according to His power at work within me!..... Right now!

It's in His arms that I come alive, that I'm completely seen, and I'm so incredibly loved.

He can see the dance that has been locked up in my heart, the one embedded in insecurity.  He knows that I just need someone to believe in me, to call the dance out, someone to fall in love with my heart.

I was listening to Joseph Prince tonight.  He was speaking about Psalm 23. How God prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

Whats on the table?  Food, a feast.
What is the food?  God's word.  His truth about who I am, who God is.

When I feel condemned for eating too much, eating junk, saying hurtful things to Trevor, lying.  When I feel ashamed, or not good enough.  When I have no strength, and the enemy is having a hay day reminding me.  When I lay in bed watching the clock as my failures run laps in my mind....

He gives me food.

Truth

That I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.

He Loves me.
He lays beside me, wraps his arms around me, surrounds me with appectance

Psalm 139

Even if I say, "Surely the darkness (my sin, fear) will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to You, God.  The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You"........ WHY?.... Why is the darkness just as light to You, God???

Because,

You created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb.... You see me, and you know who I really am!  The things I do... are so far from who I am... and You see that God.  You see the Jesus on the inside of me!

You are So good!

Your word brings me so much Hope!

Father, Help me.  
God, I want to see myself as You do.... I want to receive all the Love that You are pourring out to me.  Please open my eyes to see Your heart. Help me to see what I have not been able to before.  Help me to Love.... especially right now, my body (which bears the harvest of bad choices), with caring and nurturing myself.
Teach me to live healthy, God.  To honour You in my body.  Help me to find delight in You by caring for myself, as I would care for a precious child that You give me.

Life is so much bigger than I think it is... and there is so much I don't know yet.  Never let me stop learning, God.  I know You believe in me.. help me to believe in myself, and never stop growing.

To a year of, 

Kindness
Care
Love 
Acceptance

Another year covered in Grace

XOXOXO

The One Who Breaks Your Heart ??

So, I really feel like God will not let me go until I sit down and write about some things that I have been running from.... like I mean literally running from for a couple of weeks now.

By running, I mean:

• running to chocolate
• running to diet pop
• running to food
• running to sleeping medication
• running  to busyness and distraction (and not stopping)
• running from people

Running to numb

Hiding in shame

Why?

Good question, and I'm not sure of the answer..... but I have asked God (knowing that I tend to always run) to please not let my heart run from Him.  "God, please don't let me do what I've always done"...... and so after 2 weeks of an intense internal struggle.....

Here I am

All of me

We just finished a series at church on Nehemiah.  We learned how Nehemiah allowed his heart to be broken for what broke God's heart.... which meant weeping for the nation of Jerusalem that he really had no obligation to weep for.   He prayed and received God's mind on the situation.  Then he got up an did something about it...... He planned to rebuild the broken wall in Jeruesalem.  This particular Sunday sermon was about Finishing well.... and how Nehemiah (once he set out to build the wall) was faced with all sorts of opposition that came against him... especially when they were almost done.

After the service, I prayed really earnestly to God (while the piano played... and the "Spirit moved"... lol). I prayed "God, please break my heart for the things that break Yours." I searched my mind to see if there was any area that God was breaking my heart for... (I'm just chuckling because I take things WAY too seriously sometimes.....) 
I was thinking, maybe it'll be girls with eating disorders, homeless, victims of some sort.......

Then I heard so clearly in my Spirit, something that I couldn't even believe was God's voice.

"Christina, you break my heart."

What?

It was honestly so out of left field that it shocked me right out of my "Spiritual prayer" :)

Now, you have to understand something about the way I am... well 2 very separate ways that I am.  One of which I am "proud" of and one of which I hate.

I feel Proud because - I get over things.  Big things.  I overlook offenses, and have this way of sucking things up and moving on...... a gift?... A gift of compassion, a gift of understanding......  or so I once thought .....

I Hate - That I also have this way of not getting over certain things... like ever!  A way of staying stuck, a way of sitting in self centered pity, and looking for someone to have empathy and care for me... I complain and go over and over the same issues.  I hate myself for being stuck, weak, and I hate that my life revolves around me...

So yes, I was shocked when God said that His heart broke for me because although my life is very self centered (you would assume its out of love for myself) but really...... deep down, I loathe myself, have zero compassion for myself, and zero tolerance for my own weakness.
Truth be told, the only reason that I can "suck it up" and get over the offenses of others so easily, is because I don't let anyone close enough to really touch me, or let their actions affect my heart....

Except Trevor, and God knows that there is no way I am letting his offenses and mistakes go.  He's right up there with me...... Zero tolerance for weakness.

I feel like Trevor is really the only one who sees the real Christina.  Trevor is the only human being that has the capacity to break my heart........ which also means that he is the only one who "gets" to carry the load of caring about the things on my heart.

I never believed that anyone could care about me.

I believe, deep down that I am easily overlooked and forgotten.  That I am unimportant.  And actually, I feel like there is a part of me that has come to terms with that belief.  There is a part of me that says "I don't care because Trevor cares about me.  Trevor sees me, Trevor doesn't forget me"....... And God Cares, sees and doesn't forget me..... But Trevor is tangible, and available... and requires NO faith, and no facing myself!

The truth is, that I have made sure in the past 8 years (and controlled in a sense) to make sure that Trevor does not forget me... even for one second.

Being sick with anorexia served a purpose that I wasn't even aware of at the time... and that was a weakness that caused Trevor to have to care for me, and ensure that he wouldn't leave me. (This all sounds so awful, but I never really realized the thoughts and the motivations behind my actions)

I feel like God is opening my eyes to the fear that lies behind so much in my life.

I'm not sick anymore, and I can sense (inside) that there is this fear growing that no one is going to care about me, or know that I'm not doing okay.

Trevor's attention was 100% on me for a lot of years.  Because, I was dying at some points, I was weak, I couldn't work so he devoted his whole life to caring for me......

and that felt safe to me...... that was sooo safe.

When I went to Mercy.  When I chose (with God's help, and by His leading) to actually let go of the eating disorder....... It was more than just letting go of a few bad habits and gaining some weight.
It was letting go of the only form of communication I knew at the time to say "I need you"  "I need someone"  "I need to be protected and feel safe"

"I am small"

Now I find myself in a season of no words.

I find myself in a season of being trapped inside myself, and unable to find the courage to trust and believe that someone would care about me, and see me.......

Just me

I think this is a weird season for Trevor too.
For eight years, he was in constant protection mode, survival mode.  Constant caring for his sick wife mode... which meant that he did little to nothing that he enjoyed.  His life revolved around me.  My feelings took precedence over his. My thoughts were right.  My needs were more important.

Now that I am healthier, and he can actually breathe.  Now that he doesn't have to wonder if I will stop breathing in my sleep, or listen to make sure I'm not purging when I go to the bathroom, or wonder if I ate today......

He is actually discovering that he has needs.  He has desires, and feelings, and thoughts... and that he is important too!  
I always knew this, and I tried to see him, and hear him, and give him space and time...... but I feel like I was so blinded by my own fear.

I was so afraid that if he took his eyes or thoughts off of me for one second, that he would forget about me..... and leave.... (this sounds so irrational..... and I feel like an idiot and just begging for everyone to judge me........  but I guess that is what Fear is... Irrational.)

Wow... this is turning into a really long post.... but I so strongly feel this on my heart so I am going to push on.. not really sure what is going to come out.. please bear with me...... 

So I realize all these things about myself,  Trev and I can both clearly see the unhealthy role that he held/holds in my life.

I'm so proud of Trevor, by the way, for being courageous enough to voice his needs and wants....

The other night, I had plans to go out to a girls game night.... Trevor was going to have a much needed night to himself and his video game which he hadn't played in months and months... (He was really excited!)
I am really really trying to give him his space, and give him room to figure stuff out for himself....

What ended up happening, is that I didn't sleep more than a couple of hours the night before, I started a new job that day, and I was so tired...... I decided that I wasn't going to go out.
He said, "No, I don't mind if you stay home ( I was feeling a little guilty, and afraid that I would ruin his night) but I really want to play my game, so can we just do our own thing tonight?"
I said "sure, I'll stay in our room and watch Modern Family!!!"....  but Inside, I was SO hurt.  All I could think and dwell on was that He Needed to get away from me, that I was too much of a burden in his life, and that he didn't care.
I honestly sat in our room and bawled.  I was en-gulfed with fear.
Most nights we end up somehow or other talking (or fighting) about deep emotional things.... where we focus on me (sadly) But tonight Trevor was "allowed" just do whatever Trevor wanted to do.

I was okay with him playing his game all night when I had plans to go out... but now.... Now that I was home, he had a choice......
Being with me...... or his game.

I prayed that God would help me to not manipulate, or make him feel bad if he did not choose me...... Which, I'm not even lying... was so painfully agonizing for me that it caught me by surprise!

I cried and cried and cried.
I felt utterly alone in the room next to him, listening to the gunshots in his game, and forcing myself to stay....... just stay in our bed.

I felt like he didn't choose me.
He didn't need to, out of necessity, 
So he didn't want me.

I'm not proud to say what I did out of this fear.
I gave in....( but not in the way that I once would have, though...... in a more "holding my shit together" way)

After eating a few handfuls of jelly beans and pouring a glass if wine,  I turned up the show I was watching and laughed really loud so that he would hear me and want to come in and watch it with me.

He didn't.....

"Doesn't he hear that something awesome is happening in the next room....??!"

So, after a couple of episodes, I texted him... (too afraid to go out and "ruin" his night alone) and asked if he wanted to come and watch the super funny episode that I just watched......"It's really funny!" I said.... (clearly all the boisterous laughter was not for nothing!)  He came in.. but I could tell that it was out of obligation.... ( ... at one time in our lives I would have not been able to tell .... but now I could) He watched the show with me (smiles a bit... but didn't laugh the way I'd seen him laugh at Phil's jokes before) when it was over, he went back out to finish his game...... My heart was broken.

He doesn't care.
He doesn't want me.
He never did.  He just had to stay with me because I was sick.

The night ended with me exploding through sobs and tears of blame and accusations.  The night ended in Trevor feeling like he'd done something terribly wrong by doing something for himself... and me feeling utterly guilty for making him feel like a failure for something that was my stupid issue!

The point of all of this..... I began by telling you what God spoke to me, that I broke his heart..... and how off putting that was for me to hear....

Because, I "Know" that God cares, but deep deep deep down..... I don't really know that God cares about me.... the manipulator, the self centered one, the one who runs to a million things that aren't God for comfort..... if anything, I believe that I am just an annoyance to Him at the simplest level, a girl who can not seem to get over her childhood..... "Get over it already, Christina!"

In the prophesy that I received at Mercy, God spoke that I had been stuck in a place of grieving, for somethings that I didn't even realize what I was grieving over, and that I would have to finish the grieving process........ (This was spoken over a year ago, and I feel like I have been doing nothing but grieving and sitting under a dark cloud ever since.... (centered on myself)  Gosh, some days I want to delete this whole blog because I even hate hearing about me me me constantly!

So, I asked God (in relevance to the Nehemiah sermon on Finishing well)  "God, How do I finish this year well?"
Again, I heard Him say... very clearly..... "You need to finish the grieving process.  You need to keep going to those dark places, and you need to see My heart for you."  

This was not what I wanted to hear..... To be honest... I just want to move on..... I really don't want to live a life looking at me.... plus aren't we supposed to focus on other's and not ourselves?..... Is this even God speaking to me??

I feel like my eyes have been opening to some realities in myself.
Unless, I can receive God's heart for me (which is apparently breaking) than I will never be able to have true love and compassion for others. (Most important to me right now... Trevor)
My world focussed on me... is not out of self Love.. but out of fear and self hatred....

The funny thing is..... that what I Truly need, and long for is God's love.  I truly Long to Trust that He sees me, and Cares.... and wants to be with me....
But it is the hardest thing for me to receive.  To believe.
In fact..... I don't think I can with out His help.

Ha ha..  I need help to receive His Love... that I need and spend myself looking for..... So weird....

So the journey continues....... and I'm not gonna run... I'm not gonna lie down.  "Please God, help me not to run!"

 God, help me to allow You to shine light into those dark places of my heart and bring this blasted grieving process to a close.  I'll sit, like Nehemiah... and allow You to break my heart for what breaks Yours ...... Me??........ and hopefully..... eventually.... genuinly...... Others!

and the Joy of the Lord can begin to bubble up inside of me.



xoxoxo