Job..... What an awful word!!

So, its time to get a job.  Its been 3 months since I graduated from Mercy...... 3 months!  It feels like decades ago.

Getting a job is not just "getting a job" to me.  To be honest, I've been avoiding it.  In my mind, getting a job means, busyness, go go go, no time for myself, pouring out, getting drained, keeping a smile on, getting overwhelmed by life, getting stressed, sick, losing weight to cope..... and so on.... I guess it's safe to say that there is a lot of fear attached to this decision.

There is also the HUGE questions.....
What do I want to do??  What am I good at??

Do you ever feel like your passions, and interests pull you in many different directions?..... How do I choose one that I want to pursue?  Also, I'm almost 30... it seems a little late to be making decisions about pursuing passions that I should have been thinking about when I was 18.

We had a Pastor come to Mercy, who was sharing with us about his life.. and how he came into the ministry.  He said when he was a teenage boy, he didn't know what to pursue in life... what his purpose was (sounds familiar ?)  So his mother sat down with him and asked him to make a list of all the things he was good at.
His list went:
1.  Hanging out with friends.
* His mother, trying not to show her worry, "Okay, lets keep going... what else are you good at?"
2.  I like to eat junk food.
*Mother - wanting her son to dig deep..... believing that there had to be something that her son was good at... Hoping! "...... Okay, son...... I'm sure you are great at eating junk food..... Is there anything else that you are good at?"
3.  I can kinda play the drums.. but I'm not very good.
* Mother prays silently..... "Oh God, what do we do with this list??"..... "Okay, Son.... Let's Give this List to God, and see what He does with it"

So they prayed....... 

Years later, as the Pastor told us, He got the opportunity to become a youth leader.  What were his main tasks in that role..??

1. Hanging out with kids!
2. Eating junk food!
3.  Playing the drums for their youth band!

That story has stuck with me.. and it popped up in my head right now as I'm writing, thinking about what in the heck I am supposed to do with my life.....
It reminds me that all God needs is a willing heart... and He will use anything!

So, I'm gonna make a list... I've never done this before.. I'm kinda nervous.... (I feel like my list is going to be super random... and maybe a little frustrating for me to see on paper.... oh well, here goes.... )

Christina's Talents: (kinda ?)

1.  I like to collage and put scriptures in some form of art so that it stands out to me, it makes the scripture come alive to me somehow.  Helps me to visualize myself in the scripture....

A piece I made for a friend

2.  I like to cook.... for Trevor anyway... I like to make new healthy colorful meals.  We take pictures of our plates..... Trev, also likes to take pictures of different burgers or weird meals he tries.  We have a computer file full of pictures of our dinner's .... haha... sooo lame!

                                                                  Trev's Creation!

 Breakfast last Saturday.

3.  I like to... and I think I'm good at documenting our life..... I take pictures of everything! (see point number 2!) and I like to share it with people..... usually its little stuff that no one else really seems care about in the same way that I do :)

Date Night a Few weeks ago!

Trev Volunteered to clean up after dinner while I had a bath.

I found this container of pasta sauce in the tupperware cupboard the next morning. Made me laugh!

A flower  I saw on my run one morning.... Beauty growing in a hard place!

Daisy's from a friends back yard...... Love note!

4.  When I discover something new... like a new band, recipe, store, healthy alternative, podcast, book, movie, anything funny etc... that I Love... I Need to tell everyone... like I can't hold it in.... Usually though, it's things that everyone knew about like 2 years ago.. I'm just discovering it!  I  get really really passionate about things.... I think if I was cooler... I would want to do a "Christina's Favorite Things Give -Away" like Oprah's..... I'm actually getting giddy just thinking about it!

Funny because.... This is me... I'm terrified of Birds!.... texted it to everyone!

Love Love Love Burt's Bees.... My skin has never been more healthy!

So Talented!!

5.  I listen to people.  Challenge myself, to hear what they are "Really" saying behind the words that the are speaking.

6.  I like to watch people (especially young women).... learn things, notice the things they are good at, passions I see in them, things that make them unique or special..... then I like to make them things... or encourage them in those areas.

My beautiful little sister Gabby, Loves fashion and hair, and art... She's super smart... Gonna do something creatively Great!

My other precious sister, Billie.  Loves animals.. especially horses.  Quiet, soft, very influential in everything she does.... Going to impact and touch many!

7.  I love music.... Like LOVE!.... Can't play any instruments (really really wish I did)  Would like to learn, Guitar, Drums, bongo's.  I can sing....... Not great though... (Would like to have voice lessons someday.... might make me better...) (I sometimes record myself on my voice memo's on the I phone.... Yikes.. can't believe I just shared that :)  Don't judge!

8.  I love to write.  I sometimes write songs.... they are not very deep or inspiring,  though.... they are more simple songs.... none the less, my heart toward God.... or His heart toward me. Don't ever share them!... Actually I don't even know if they could be considered songs!

9.  I Love to dance.  It's hard to worship, or hear Spirit led music and not move and dance.  I have not had lessons.  I have no technique....... But I have pictures in my head of dances, dance teams, worship arts (painting to worship, which I also love but have had no training in.... and am not very good)
I daydream about dances and dramatic pieces led by the Holy Spirit...... But that is about where it ends... don't even know where to start with that one :)

So powerful!

I can't help but wonder what is happening (things that we can't even understand) as she's allowing her body to be used by Holy Spirit!...... ( I would love to meet her someday.  When I was like 19 I got the application for her school of dance, but never followed through because ballet training was a prerequisite.)

10.  I can sit and talk to old people for a long time...... I love to listen to stories.  I find I can be myself so easily, and share things with them.  I think I am just so hungry to learn, to grow....... so I always ask a ton of questions....

11. I can keep our home in order and organized.  Laundry schedule, food, cleaning, groceries, bills.  And I love doing it!!  I could stay at home and keep myself busy.... I could never ever work a "job" again, outside of the home.. and be perfectly content.. no... happy!

12.  I'm not the greatest wife.... But I long to be!  To learn to be more selfless, and considerate.. to be a better friend and safe place for Trevor. To pray more, use my words to build him up, allow him to be fully himself.... and learn to Love whatever that entails,  to watch him flourish and face fears, and follow his dreams.... Yup... A  hearts desire of mine, for sure!

I've Got a really unique husband... like really...... special.. (not in the "slow" way)..... but in the "God, help me to be the kind of wife this energetic, crazy, passionate man needs!.... Please!"

13. I can pray... but my prayers are pretty self centered.

14.  I like to bake for people.  If you ever get baking from me.... It is me saying with all my heart... I love you!  I bake every week for Trev's lunch, and it makes me so happy and fills me with Joy to make something I think he will love and get excited about.

Apple Crisp Bites.... got a really good deal on Apples... so I made apple everything for awhile!! Trevor Loved them!....... and of course, I took a picture!

15.  I'm good at looking for sales, and getting good deals on stuff.... then.... telling everyone and their dog about it!  haha.

Found my Burts Bees Stuff at Winner's for $16.99.... when the same stuff is at Walmart for $24.99.... say whaaat!

Deal of a Lifetime!  $280.00 worth of shoes, the price I paid..... $26.88.  It was a Shoe Warehouse closing sale.  Every pair of Shoes was 2 for $12.00.... Craziness!

16. I really like fashion.... I hesitate to say Love because  I'm not super trendy.. and I don't superior fashion sense (other than my own ideas)...... but I think about clothes... a lot..... and not very much excites me like fashion....shopping (even if I don't buy anything... or I'm shopping for someone else), looking at fashion blogs, seeing new trends, colors, putting together outfits.. helping someone else put together outfits, accessories, hair styles, braids, (I wish I could sew so that I could make some of the ideas for dance dresses that floating around in my head.) Getting awesome deals on clothes, Thrift shopping, color me beautiful website, makeup.

17. I try to be healthy (not always successful... aka.. diet pop battle, chocolate distraction...... ) But I am Super interested in fitness ( thanks to Megan and Lauren ), natural alternatives, healthy eating (thanks to my dad and Karlie)........ and again..... I tell everyone, everything I learn!

Trev and I just ran 7 Km's last night..... I can hardly believe it!...... again.. something little to most.. but to me (and Trev)..... Big night at the Lewis home!

So..... I think that completes my list.   All of the things on my list, are things I enjoy.. maybe even safe to say passionate about....... All of them, are things that I have no training, education ...... or even extreme talent in.  

I'm looking for a part time job right now... I'm not even sure where to look or what to look into.  The things inside me are so broad and random.  I cannot even imagine how all of these things can fit into some sort of profession...... 

 All I know to do is give this list to God..... and see where He takes me.

Father, its so cool to see what you did with that Pastor Terry's list of things... (talents...?) and how you worked them into something awesome and perfect for him.  Dad, I give you my scattered, random list.....    In my limited, human, insecure mind, I don't know where or what any of this could lead me to..... something that could fulfill me, touch others, and contribute financially to our home?  God, I don't have training...... I'm sub-par at most of these things.... but I really really love em..... I believe you've placed them in my heart.   Sooooo...... I give you this list..... Ahhh.... I give you my heart.  I give you my life.  Can you make something beautiful out of these things? I'm releasing these "talents" into your hands... I trust You.......... Lead me.  Use me.  Give me the courage to walk through the doors You open.  And I definitely know that You will get the Glory for this life, and this girl who was so lost, and so broken.  

You are so good, and I just Love you.  I just Love You, Father.

I forgot one:

18.  Color....... I really Love Color! 

that's all.......

Oh, and Trev reminded me of one more....

19.  Lists!  I'm good at making a list out of anything... really.. anything!

K, that's all.....

XOXO

Christina, is Covered in Grace

I've been reading, studying, listening, thinking alot about Grace lately.

At Mercy, we all created "tags" to go behind our names........ so, for example:  Kathy, is Completely Beautiful.
The purpose was for you to say the "tag" when someone said your name to renew your mind, or speak out the truth to yourself about who you are.
  Some of the girls' picked "is free", "is remembered", "is worthy of Love".

I can't really remember how my "Tag" came about, But I know that God whispered it to me.  I know that this is a revelation that I was born to have.

Christina, is Covered in Grace.

Not just dabbed in it, not sprinkled, not even egg washed in it.

Covered.

I was sitting..... just letting my imagination play a movie in my head....... I was watching this scene... (a silly picture) of me,  dripping from head to toe in this sticky honey-like substance called Grace.  Its so thick that I can't even open my eyes fully.  Every part of me is saturated with this sweetness.   The first thing you notice (in this picture ) is this girl, covered in this sticky stuff. I'm slipping and sliding in goo, laughing uncontrollably because I can't stand up. It's heavy and substantial, but at the same time buoyant, and light.  There are people looking at me strangely saying  "Is there still a girl under that blob?"......  "I think its Christina?"  "Look, she's getting that stuff on everything she touches, and it's dripping in puddles around her feet everywhere she walks!"
"Quick, keep walking, she's coming over here and if she touches us... it'll get all over us!"
"Where did that stuff come from?"

Covered

And all I know, is that it has to come from God because Grace is not anything that Christina could ever possess on her own in a million years!

In fact, it seems like everything about me is bent toward performance, measuring, rules, laws, striving, perfection, improvement............... Actually, an even more simple and accurate way to put it is:

Everything about me is bent toward Me!

Joyce Meyer has a series called "I was always on my mind" (she even sings the You were always on my mind song to go with it... makes me laugh)

Its not even like I try to always think about me.. In, all honesty, it would be true to say that most of my mental energy is spent thinking about what I did wrong, not quite good enough, what I need to work on, where I need help, what I should do, what I'm doing great at.  If I hang out with a friend, I will always spend time after measuring how good of a friend I was.  "I wonder if what I said hurt her?  I wonder if she could have miss understood this?  I wonder if she had fun?  Did I have fun?  She's having a hard time with this _____ ...... what can I do to help?  Or, did I do anything to cause _____ ??" .............. Exhausting!! Utterly Exhausting!!

Covered in Grace

Covered in Jesus.  He is, in essence who Grace is.  He covers me.  
When I fall short, when I do it "right", but fear I can't keep it up or won't do it right next time....... Jesus!

I feel like I am learning so much about this, but its rolling around in my head, and I haven't quite made it mine yet.
Grace seems so foreign to the way that I have always thought... about myself, about God, and about others.

Some statements and Truths that are Consuming my thoughts.

I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.....  When I choose badly, deliberately sin, am prideful, hurt someone, ignore my need for God and try to do things alone........ God sees me as completely and wholly Right before Him.  He sees me like He sees His perfect son Jesus! ................. Wow!!

As Jesus is, So am I in this world......... I am In Christ.  Its not me anymore.  I am fully in Christ.  I died, and its no longer I that live, but Christ who lives in me.

The Law is what I can do (demand on me).  Grace is who God is and What He can do (supply from Him) ........... I will Always always fall short when trying to do things right and good enough.  I was not created to.  I was created to live in God.  I was created to be a recipient of His Goodness and Love.  A vessel of His Goodness and Love.
 Its not about me!  It's not about me!  It's not about me!  Its not about me!!!!   
It's about.... It's ALWAYS been about How Good God is!!


Covered In His Grace 

Galatians 2:20(MSG)..... (My own thoughts interjected)

 What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God,(Oh how I've tried!!) and it didn't work. (I only felt condemned and never good enough, frustrated, hopeless and exhausted) So I quit being a "law woman" so that I could be God's woman. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him.(Grace,pure Love, the GIFT of Jesus dying on the cross and making me the righteousness of God!!) Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central.(It's not about Me anymore.  What I can (which isn't much) or cannot do) It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God.(Huge weight off.... He Loves me!  He just Loves me!  He's sees me like He sees Jesus!!!) Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.

   Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.

How can I not fall so madly in Love with such a Good God? 
How could I have not seen this before!  How could my view of God have been so clouded?

He is just Good.  He is so Loving! Everything about Him is good and generous.  Jesus took my sin.  He Covered me with Himself.

I want to know more!  I want my eyes to be opened even more!  

I am so Hungry to know God more, to know His heart, His Love.  I'm so ardent to understand what He did on the cross, His Grace, His ways that are so very different than anything I've ever known.

I'm so thirsty to finally receive His Love and Goodness.... instead of trying to earn it.

I have so much to learn!  I feel like my eyes have been opened to something so vast, so enormous and mammoth, its overwhelming!

Covered in Grace

Unrecognizably covered!

xoxo

cov·er