A Low Rumble Deep Inside Me.......And It's Not Gas!

I dropped one of my pearl earrings yesterday

In a pile of clothes in my closet

These are my good earrings (The ones I always wear when I dress up)

I was in a rush (hence the dropping)

So I put the one, still in my hand, away safely

Shook the top few items of clothing on the ground

No Earring

Inwardly shrug

"Oh well, It'll turn up"

As I turned to walk away

The bible story of the woman who tore her house apart

Looking for a lost coin

Popped in my head

I was more annoyed than anything

Cuz, now I felt guilty for walking away

When this woman went to all that trouble

Looking for a coin!

I Wonder how much her coin was worth?

Mind you, I am comparing it with real pearl earrings....

Usually, I'm the girl with the fake jewelry

But not when I wear these puppies!!

Sigh

If this woman can spend so much time in a search

I can take a few minutes too

I shook the pile of clothes one by one

After about 3 minutes

Found it caught in my wedding veil
Yes, I keep my wedding veil in m closet and pop it on periodically
Its so Beautiful!!
Don't judge me

Sweet

Why am I telling you this?

That happened yesterday
And wouldn't you know.....

I am still thinking about it

Today

In fact, I woke up thinking

About Value

Looking at my life and wondering why there are things that I seem to assign 

Very little value to

Even if they are things I Love

When they get lost, or taken, or don't work out

I seem to shrug

And let it go

This seems to be a common occurrence

As I meander back in my memories

If I stain a new shirt, rendering it unwearable again

Sigh..... Shrug

Lose money

Dent the hardwood floor

Scratch a CD

Lend out my favourite book and don't get it back

Yet, this sighing and shrugging

Turning and walking away from things

Doesn't just apply to the small things in my life

I seem to easily let go of so many things

Losing contact with a friend

And moving on without really even looking back

Loved ones passing away

And feeling nothing

Fighting in the earlier years in our marriage

And saying with complete honesty to Trevor

"Leave then"

And knowing if he actually did leave

I would do what I have always done

Suck it up and move on

Like I did when my parents got divorced

I remember the day after my parents told us that Mom was moving out

I went to school and randomly found out that 2 other kids in my class just heard news that their parents were divorcing too

I guess I can't make a big deal out of my loss

Everybody else seems to be going through this too

Or

My mom becoming an alcoholic

And making the choice to not act in the role of my Mom anymore

I don't remember hurting

I just remember cutting ties with her and trudging forward

Maybe I had no choice but to just let go and move on

These things were out of my control

I have this way, though,  of so easily accepting bad or hurtful things in my life

Disappointments

Losses

Injustice

Failure

It has become The Way

That I approach life

Laying down

Giving up

Say nothing

Go with the Flow

Passively handing things over 

Turning around and walking away instead of retrieving something precious that belongs to me

For the past few months

I have been feeling something deep down inside of me

It is a low rumble

(Ha ha.. No, it's not gas!)

It resembles a growl

I don't know where it is coming from

It is definitely not something I am actively practising in my Spare time

Yet, I can feel it

Vibrating in the pit of my stomach

For so many years
I have layed down as My Health was stolen
My Joy
My sleep
Rest
My Dreams
Friendships
My Voice
My Peace
Creativity

If fear or opposition say "You can't have these things.. that they aren't for You"
I've handed them over 

Without a fight
Hanging my head in discouragement 
And simply believing that I could never deserve these Precious Gifts

I've accepted losses and disappointments 

In my life because I didn't really know God

Or really what His Heart was like

How much He Loves me

I didn't understand His Good plan

How Kind He is

I didn't realize that Everything He has is mine

Every Blessing

Every Dream in my Heart is for me

I didn't know what it meant to be a Daughter of The King

I had quietly accepted that bad things, pain, loss, are just life and part of some divine plan

Or things like
 A family
 A Home
Or
Children of my own

Were just not for me

I've watched other woman who are living my dreams

Succeeding

Loving Life

I have felt ashamed

Inadequate

Living in Jealousy, and believing that I could never have that kind of a life

But Now
The growl inside me is getting louder

 As I'm beginning to See
More clearly

As I'm beginning to have my heart filled like a gas tank with His Love

 I'm starting to get Angry

I'm sick of looking at pregnant women

Then looking at my own flat stomach in shame

Recalling all the eating disordered memories, all my past failures, reminding me why I can't conceive

And don't deserve to ever be a mom

I'm sick of watching other women be creative and innovative and take off running in their passions

Then feeling inferior and depressed 

Starring at my dreams in front of me 
frozen in fear

I don't want to feel small anymore

I don't want to cower 

And run away like a scurrying mouse into my hole

I have something to say!

I have something to do!

The devil has stole some really precious things from me

And I have a right to be angry!

Father, thank you for showing me truth.  
Father, I give you permission to keep building this Roar inside of me

  Help me to see clearly, and to not allow Your gifts to be stolen

  I thank you, Father, that You are a God of Redemption and Restoration

You are my Defender

And my Victory

You have made me Your Daughter

All You have is mine

Father

Help me to walk in all You have for me

And Bring Others with me!!

Daaaad!

2:46 AM

Bolt Awake

Scared my dad is randomly going to die

Last night, 

1AM-4AM

Tossing and turning

 Reeling over a fight that Trevor and I had

Dwelling on how selfish and what a terrible wife I am

Night before that

Up all freaking night 

Keeping company with thoughts of never ever, in my whole life

Walking free from an eating disorder that still seems to whisper critical judgements in my ear

And keep me at it's beck and call

 I can honestly tell you

Big or small

Rational or completely delusional 

Fear

Can keep me awake

 Bolt me out of sleep

Heart pounding

Head Aching

And sleep deprived

Night after night

For weeks at a time

You know what all this tells me

I am acting as a 

Slave to fear

What ever thought fear places in my head

I take it

Accept it as truth

And let it run rampid 

Deprive me of Rest

Romans 8:15

The Spirit you received

Does not make you slaves again 

So that you live in fear

Rather

The Spirit you received

Brought about your 

Adoption to Sonship

And by Him 

We call

Abba Father!

All the things I fear

Abandonment

Loss of Loved Ones 

Are thoughts

Scenarios

Based on the absence of God

In my life

All the fears of my moral destruction

Are bypassing one very important truth

About God

 My Father

Who Adopted me
As His own child

Cares about every single aspect and detail of my life

Is forever Committed to my growth and well being as His kid

A Father who will not for 1 second

Leave me

Without His Presence

His Comfort 

Whose Love for me

And view of me

 is never altered
My Father who is strong when I am weak

Like when I was a little girl

And I had a bad dream

I would lay in my bed, frozen with fear, and scream

Mom!  Dad!

Mooooooooom! Daaaaaaaaad!

Over and over

Until they came to my room 

and

Saved me from fear

Maybe I need to keep my 30 year old body in bed at night

When fear comes creeping in my room 

To torment

Maybe I need to scream 

(Maybe just under my breath... As to not send Trevor into an abrupt wakening in panic)

Abba!  

Father!

Daaaaaaad!

Until I become conscious of His 

Faithful Presence

Bursting into my Heart 

His arms wrapping around me 

His Beloved child

 Saving me from fear

A Walk By Some Peaceful Water...... Yes Please!

The Lord is My Shepherd

I Have All That I Need

He Lets Me Rest

In Green Meadows

He Leads Me Beside 

Peaceful Streams

He Renews My Strength

He Guides Me Along Right Paths Bringing Honour To His Name

Even When I walk Through The Darkest Valley

I Will Not Be Afraid

For You Are Close Beside Me

Your Rod And Your Staff

Protect And Comfort Me

Trevor pretending to be Moses.... I'm laughing so hard!

You Prepare a Feast For Me

In The Presence Of My Enemies

Your Honour Me By Anointing My Head With Oil

My Cup Overflows With Blessings

Surely Your Goodness and Unfailing Love Will Pursue Me 

All Of The Days Of My Life

And I Will Live In The House Of The Lord Forever

Going through these old pictures, makes me realize how Much God has been Close beside me and Filled my cup with Blessings!

I'm so greatful this morning for my life, my family, my friends, and so excited for more of His Goodness and Unfailing Love for the rest of my life

A Warm, Perfectly Creamed and Stevia'd Mug Of Bliss

I don't think Grace means.... With Ease

Because I have been waiting for the With Ease part in so many areas right now, and wondering, where the heck is the Grace?

I think Grace means... God's strength being added to me as I do something that I would otherwise be utterly weak and sucky at, doomed to failure

Grace is me, on my run this morning, not stopping at the gate I usually stop at to catch my breath and walk for a while

Grace is me shockingly continuing to run on farther because there is energy to do so

Grace is me being equally as flabbergasted when I almost made it to the park

Wondering to myself.. "How the heck am I doing this??"

At that point.. I stopped, not out of tiredness or blood tasting fatigue.. but out of the unnormalcy of the whole event

 "Okay... I've ran plenty far.. this is too weird... I'm walking!"

I heard God speak to my heart, at that moment (With a smile)

"There was Grace to make it to the park, you know"

And then I could sense that He was running next to me

Grace is feeling so little pressure to keep running, but knowing that if I wanted to, I could, like there was this super running power in me all of a sudden!

Grace is me swinging in front of a painted cloudy sky

Hearing God's voice so clearly

Having no choice but to grab my notebook and start jotting things down 

Answers to things I have been asking Him

Grace!

 I made a choice this morning
How?
I have No Clue!

It was not by any means an easy choice

Not a heroic choice

Not even a thought out, respectable choice
But I think that

 No matter how a stubborn, sweaty, tear filled, agonizing choice comes about

No matter what the motive is

It is a choice none the less

See, 

I woke up with stress this morning

Instant stress as I stirred to consciousness

Stress about my day

Our future

Stress about the things I learned in church yesterday, that I found myself worrying about my lack of ability to apply to my life

I woke up thinking
 How can I win at life?

Be on top of all these new things that seem to demand more of me, than I am?

I woke up thinking about the pledge I made to myself (In a Holy moment at church... that's where I make most of my pledges).... (Oh Man.. I have to shake my head and smile at myself) 
A pledge to not have coffee this week 

After an hour of tossing back and forth in bed,

Trying to imprison myself there, to avoid coffee
And thinking.......

All I want is a friggin cup of coffee right now!

I end up frustratedly bounding out of our room
Sneaking downstairs
And

Staring at my Glorious coffee pot

I can almost taste the Warm Perfectly Creamed and Stevia'd Mug of Bliss

AHHHHHH!

"God, Help me!

I think that I need to give up coffee for awhile

But I really really want it!

And I'm gonna give in

You know how I am, God, I never stick to anything I say I am going to do when it comes to the moment of weakness and desire.........."

The thought pops into my head to go for a run 

My head hurts

I don't want to run

I want coffee... 
Now, more than ever before in my entire life!!
In fact, I don't feel as if my day will have any tidbit of enjoyment or significance, it might as well be spent in bed if I don't have coffee right now!  The thoughts of a day or a life (gasp!) without coffee, seems dark and void of all Joy and Pleasure..........
(I hope you are sensing the magnitude of my passion and desire for coffee this morning.. cuz it was In... (wait for it).... tense!!)

Choice
Oh, blasted choice!

"Okay Christina, if you stay home, you will drink,  a whole pot of coffee
 Feel disappointed in yourself
You have gone around this sort of mountain, enough to know the outcome....
What are you gonna do?"

I grab my runners

My phone

I open my purse to grab my debit card 

"Sweet, I'll walk past the Tim Horton's on the way home"

"Ya!  That'll be a good treat!"

"Great Idea Christina!"

..........................

"NO!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

"This is so hard... and stupid... and hard!"

I throw my debit card back

Grab a bit of chocolate I spotted in my open purse (At least I'll get some sort of a treat this morning!)  (Again, I shake my head and smile at myself..)

And bolt out the door

Now I am just angry

I revolt against running and decide I'm going to walk... and slow!

"God, why is this so hard?"

"Why can't I be one of those people who could so easily decide not to have coffee, and it not be a big deal?.... Like Trevor!  He makes me so angry with all his self control!!!!"

"I hate how compulsive I am"

I walk, stubbornly, for a bit, 

Then, I get the urge to run

.......... So I run

Right up to the gate, and the rest of my morning is History

Grace is me sitting here, now (with a coffee... I don't know what to say, it got the best of me....) 
and wondering 

How did I make a good choice this morning, to run instead of drink coffee?
Like, Seriously, ... HOW? 
That is not a decision that Christina would make...... ever!

(I must add, I'm not saying that coffee is bad.... For some reason, it is one of those things that I would like to stop because I think it would be better for my health, and it is getting to be the reason I get out of bed in the morning... and I don't like that... Just a personal thing.  So keep drinking coffee if you want.. or don't.... I don't care :)

I'm Questioning how the heck I ran so far, and had such a close experience with Jesus, heard Him speak so clearly and felt His pleasure in running along side of me?

I'm asking myself if just like Jesus said, there would have been Grace for me to run to the park, (but instead I stopped out of sheer unbelief that I could ever do that).... I wonder if that same Grace would have been there, post run, for me to not have a coffee? 

 I did have one, because it is what I always do 
I give into my momentary compulsions, feelings and desires (usually, whatever they are)

I had denied them earlier, and it felt weird and foreign that I could continue to deny the familiar

I had the same, sheer unbelief in myself

Maybe Grace needs to be about me being continuously faced with my own compulsions, weakness and desires that I cannot seem to control...

But also, witnessing this confusing ability to do things that I normally cannot do

And trust me... I am fully aware of what Christina normally does and can do!

Maybe Grace is the Miracle of my boarders and limitations, somehow, being broken in a way that I cannot replicate because it had nothing to do with me, and I couldn't even tell you how it happened!

 Grace  is me wondering, How did I choose Life right now?

While at the same time, questioning if there is any chance that I could ever make this wise choice again...?


I don't even think any of this is about Coffee... Maybe it was just a lesson to me, that when push comes to shove, and I am faced with my own compulsions and weak will.. It is actually possible to put my physical desires aside for something better and more 
life- giving

I may just have to Trust that there will be some sort of Grace available for the next decision I need to make,
It may not come with Ease
It may require me to do something drastic and unfamilliar

BUT

I'm learning to Trust God enough, to know that He never asks me to give something up without giving me something better, 

  Something I really want, but just don't realize yet