I came across this post that I wrote more than a year ago...
I cannot believe how far God has brought me
How much freedom he has walked me into from the eating disorder
It actually felt weird reading my words
Sensing the power of the control I was under
Although I am still on a healing journey
I am utterly encouraged that God is going to continue walking with me
Leading me into light
It gives me hope that my life will look even more different next year
I want to even challenge you today to not be so hard on yourself
Wherever you are in your own healing journey
I don't know if we will ever arrive at health as a destination
Maybe health will be more like a vehicle
Which helps us get to our destinations, enjoy our lives more fully
I'm quite certain that no matter where your path has led you
Where you think you are
Or assume you should be
Maybe take a second
Remember where God has brought you from
I know I didn't realize it myself
Until I read my own words written a year ago
That doesn't quite sound like me anymore
Hate is being replaced
That is a miracle!
Perfect
Dear God,
I really need you to open my eyes
I feel so blinded
I know that there are things that I am missing, seeing dimly
But I don’t know another way to see
Give me your eyes
There are things that actually seem impossible to me.
Like standing naked in front of a mirror and truthfully, wholly loving my body.
I don’t think there is a morning that goes by, in the first minutes lying in bed, that I don’t feel and measure the squish of my stomach, as if the bigger the handful I can grab will determine how acceptable I am today.
I allow my hands to run over my arms, which used to fit inside my closed grasp, but now just feels too big and completely wrong.
I’m am instantly aware of my thighs that fit tight together, as there is no space that separates them anymore.
You know this, Father.
You know my thoughts, even when they are far away from You
I am not hidden from Your sight, as I make my way to the bathroom, You watch as my eyes naturally fall to my stomach, measuring meticulously how far it sticks out today which is a direct result of my yesterday's success or failure. Missing the ribs I used to see that would always give me a stable…. You are still somewhat acceptable, Christina.
I look at my legs in the mirror, like I’m looking at something so horrific that I want to look away from, but my eyes are glued. I can’t seem to tear them away, wonder how something could have become so awful.
Fail
Before I even start my day, usually
Not good enough, and Completely Unacceptable!
I don’t have to memorize those negative words, or write them on my bathroom mirror… even remember to engage in this cruel routine, and fast track dialogue of criticism. It is something I do well, and with ease.
Almost like second nature
I just heard a speaker say that failure is succeeding in the things that don’t matter.
In my case, of all the things I desire to be successful at, hating myself is not one… but yet I find myself at the top of the class on the Honor roll.
We were challenged to write a Love Letter to our bodies in woman’s group. I have been putting this off… even now I find it hard to write the words to my body specifically. I feel immense guilt, and responsibility for the way I have treated it, the things I have put into it, and failed to feed it. My mind instantly goes to the thoughts of hopelessness…
like things may never change…..
I’m digging deep, though, because I believe there is MORE… I believe God is in me.. and I am His…… and I realize that there is a truth that I am not quite grasping.
A freedom that I am not yet awakened to
Father,
I trust You, and I am willing to see things a different way. I am willing to see me through Your eyes…. I can’t promise You that I will change.. I’ve already tried and failed (too many times to count). The thought of thinking differently about myself, and my body seems overwhelming and strange. There is also a lot of fear attached to a different way of thinking. If I accept my body, love my body, will I just resign from my boot camp improvement regiment, and will I remain the same?
In spite of all my fears, I am willing to try things Your way.
One thing I know about You, is that You ARE Love… and all You do is in the way of Love.
I’m going to need Your help because I have fallen far from the tree in the Love department.
I am willing to give You my old words… one at a time. I’m willing to hand them over for good, let go… even wait empty handed until You put some new ones in my hand.
Father, I’m not just asking You for a “I can live with that” kind of change. I am asking You to do a deep transforming work in my heart. I am asking You to replace, renew, restore the way I see and treat myself.
I’m done fighting with perfection. I’m done striving to form myself, my body in to acceptable.
I need You. I can’t do this alone. In fact, I am really scared to trust You with my body, and health… even though, in my own hands, I have made a HUGE mess.
Increase my faith
I’m choosing to Trust You
I’m opening my hands to You right now… and I release these words that seem to have become a part of me… words that I will feel naked without…. You can have them
Failure
Fat
Gross
Not Good enough
Unacceptable
Disgusting
Ugly
Father, each one belongs to You, now.
Please show me when they are floating in my head…. I may not even be aware. Most of them rarely make it out of my mouth, but continually run their track in my thoughts…. Help me to replace them with Your thoughts.
I have some new ideas for words that are coming to my mind, but I am afraid to write them down because I don’t believe them yet.
I want this change. I want the thoughts I think to be genuine, and true for me.
I don’t feel like I can hold a lot of new words yet… so I’m going to grab onto one phrase that comes to mind.
Perfectly Made
I will co-operate with You, God, as You write this, deep in my heart.
I see a picture in my head right now. I'm holding my new born baby girl in my arms. Pouring over her tiny, soft, fragile body. Perfect. Running my hand over her sparse head of hair…. There is not much there, but it’s Perfect. Her eyes, not even fully opened, colourless to me right now, but I can already tell, they are Perfect. I haven’t gotten to know this daughter of mine yet. I don’t know if she’s introverted, extroverted. I don’t know if she will sleep well, not at all. I wonder if she will be like me, or Trevor more. I don’t know if we will always get along, If she will look up to me, if we will have similar interests. Not sure if she will like pink, or green best.
There is one Truth, and I feel as if I’m holding her right now, holding her in the midst of all the question marks, and I am absolutely sure that whoever this sweet girl grows up to be, she is a treasure to me.
She is Perfect.
She fills my heart with precious Joy
I’m not sure why this picture came to my head. I’m not sure why it provoked so many tears to flood down my face.
Write a new Story on my heart, Father
Your story
Your words
Your Heart
I am Perfectly Made, and I belong to You
XOXOXO
