The True Heart of A Mama

I read this today... It so impacted me, and reminded me of The  Mama part of God's heart (that I am just beginning to learn about) 

so I decided to share.

http://shelovesmagazine.com/2013/my-greatest-hope-for-you

Beautiful words from an equally beautiful heart.

They will stick with me

be·lov·ed

The more you are conscious of the fact that 
you 
are God's
be·lov·ed 

the more you will


 walk in His

unmerited favor in every situation!

Joseph Prince

be·lov·ed

Definition: (Christina is:)

A person who is

greatly loved; dear to the heart

Adored

be·lov·ed

Synonyms: AKA (Christina is:)

Admired

Cared For, Cherished

Darling, Dear, Dearest

Doted On

Endeared, Esteemed, 

Favorite

Hallowed, Highly Regarded, Highly Valued

Loved

Near to Ones Heart

Pet, Pleasing, Popular, Precious, Prized

Respected, Revered

Sweet

Treasured

Venerated

Well-Liked

It's overwhelming and almost unreal to think that I am all those things to God.   I am the one He calls His be·lov·ed Song of Songs 2:1-2 Young Woman (Christina) "I am the Spring Crocus blooming on the Sharon Plain, the Lily of the Valley" Young Man (Jesus) "Like a Lily among thistles is My Darling Christina among young women" There are some behaviour(s) that I have been desperately wanting to change in my life.  Things that I'm embarrassed about.  Things that I just plain don't want to do.. to be.... As a Wife, a Woman, a Mother to be,  and a Daughter of God. I am the type of person that if something needs changed, I will make a plan... make some rules and guidelines for myself, and make sure that thing is cut out of my life.... ......This lasts for about 2 (maybe 3) days, and then I collapse in a heap of failure and self loathing, cower in shame and keep a safe distance from God (who is "obviously" disappointed in me) This is normal Christina strategy.  A few weeks ago, as I was making my feeble plans for change in these particular areas, I felt God ask me (very clearly) if, instead, of working to change my behaviour (doing things like I have always done.. without the desired results) if I would just focus on the fact that He loves me. ........ Wait a sec..... "So, God, You don't care if I fully engage in these behaviours... You just want me to think about and focus on the fact that You Love me... and change Nothing...???!!" You have to understand how backwards, wrong  and lazy this seems (in my mind.)  How can I change something, if I don't try and make the effort... right?? I am God's be·lov·ed So, for the past few, I have been making a huge mind shift to focus on the Love God has for me.  No matter what I do or don't do... I am so Loved.  I am so accepted, cherished, prized, adored....  Lol... nothing has changed... outwardly..... yet..... but I  am beginning to feel like God's Love for me is more unchanging and solid than I did before.... (not so up and down) If His Love is not based on me, and my behaviour (good or bad)..... (And trust me, my behaviour and goodness changes as often as Calgary weather forecasts!) Then, His Love is based on Him and more stable than I am.   I can trust that if I change, His Love doesn't.... Mind Blowing...  thought spinning and headache causing to me I am learning so much about Grace.... and as a friend told me last night.. "Learning about Grace is a process" I am so thankful for Holy Spirit, friends, teachers, mentors... and my husband who are helping me to grasp this concept that is amazingly foreign to me! God does not leave me alone to figure this out... I am the One God Loves! XOXOXO

I'm More of a White Wine Kind of Girl

Stress, worries, cares, keep me on the surface of life

The surface of me

I sat down this morning to read my bible.

I turned to Song of Songs, craving a little love and affirmation from God

As I tried to read, tried to meditate on the sweet words and picture God saying them to me, 

it was crazy, how many thoughts about my day kept popping into my head.

"Remember to call bell about the Internet on my phone.

I wonder when would be the best time to run and get groceries?

Which kind of honey should I buy?

I'm hungry.

Wonder how my mom is doing?

I hope Trevor isn't feeling stressed today."

It's first thing in the morning, and my mind is fuller than full.

The verse I read was Song of Solomon 1:1

Kiss me and kiss me again, for your Love is sweeter than wine

I sat for a while and lingered on this young Woman's words........

I picture the young woman and young man laying on the bed (lol... don't worry, I will not get graphic, but they are naked!)

I picture her, laying back on the pillows, and him, up in one elbow beside her, enraptured with her beauty.  Both, captivated in each others Love.  Looking deep into eyes.  Talking.  Laughing.  Being filled with each others presence.

She says "Kiss me, and Kiss me again."  Man, what woman (even man, for that matter) does not want to be a recipient of the unceasing kisses of the one who thinks you are the most amazing person on the face of the earth......

Such a deep connection.  Even as I picture this scenario in my head, my heart longs.

I love those times when Trevor and I have nothing to do but lay in bed and "Be together" In those moments,  whether brief or long, everything else in life seems to drift away.  Actually, (sadly) most times, I have had so much on my mind, for so long that it takes me forever to even get to the place where I can connect and "Be present" with Trevor in these moments.  It feels like intense work, to push past the to do lists in my mind, and enjoy Trevor's Love.... when it is moments like these that I Long for!

That sucks!

That's what we were created for as humans, wasn't it?

To live from the heart.  Deep lives?

Savouring the kisses

Not, small, surface, mind trapped, stress head ached, shoulder's tight with heaviness of cares lives.

I find it very interesting that the young woman says "Your Love is sweeter than wine"

To me, "wine" doesn't just represent a Merlot, or Sauvignon Blanc... (sometimes it does... don't get me wrong!) but more often, for me, "wine" represents the surface things I do, or consume... 

For example:

 I awake at 5:45 AM...(no joke!) I feel the pressure in the forefront of my skull about this long, full day ahead of me.  I had a terrible sleep because instead of sleeping, I was thinking about this full long day ahead of me today.  My mind and schedule are filled to the margin and the clock is my worst enemy... I dart out of bed, and head for the coffee pot to give me a quick jolt... (Wine).... then I busy myself doing more than I know I have the capacity for (Wine), try to do everything perfectly.... (Hair, makeup, outfit)..... (Wine), hopefully someone will notice my hard work (Wine).. or I will feel accomplished when all my tasks are complete (Wine).  I should squeeze in a run cuz my pants are fitting tight, and that is just unacceptable for me to gain any weight (Wine), but instead I eat a Jersey Milk bar (Wine), and tell myself that "I don't care and I'll start again tomorrow and cut out sugar all together!" (Wine)

Then Trevor gets home and I try to be the support that I think he needs... Probably more so I feel better about myself as a wife (Wine)... He doesn't react enthusiastically enough, or say thank you enough.. or does something less than perfect, and I sink into a pit of despair (mostly because I am exhausted, spent, and done.)  I end up having a melt down about how he never calls me beautiful anymore... or kisses me (Wine).  He is totally confused now, and stressed and has no idea which way is up or down, or what the F he did....

I go to bed feeling guilty about my behaviour, feeling like I didn't do enough, ate too much, moved too little, was far too selfish....... mind reeling with ways to improve myself tomorrow.  I lay down my head..... Already exhausted! (Wine)

(..... I'm being dramatic about my example to paint a picture, my life is not all bad.. and I am definitely growing in all of this.... Although there is Truth underneath the extremeness of my story!!)

 All of this "Wine" I drank today was to replace the kisses and more kisses that I was really longing for.. from my Lord.  The one who thinks I am amazing and just wants to delight in me for awhile.

If only I had just layed in bed a little bit longer and seen Him laying on His side, head propped up with His elbow looking at me with those eyes of Love and mischief.

If only I had taken some time to allow Him to move past my surface self, and speak to my heart..... Kiss me

"Christina, I just Love you

You are so very precious to Me.

You are my Beloved.  You are so Beautiful to Me.

You are enough

You don't have to do anything today... I am already proud of You.

I am for you.

You bring me Joy

I Love to be with you.

I Love the way I created you

I can't wait to enjoy you today.

I've been enjoying you all night, taking care of things for you, healing you, speaking words of life over you.

I have so many gifts for you today... just waiting for you to enjoy because I love you so much.

I Love when you smile.

I choose you today.

I am with you, beautiful child

Nothing you do or don't do today will separate you from my Love and acceptance today.

You are made in my image

You are close to my heart.

Kiss after Kiss, straight to the deepest part of me. 

Loving me.

Living on the surface, in the cares of this life.  Living with the weight of life, the weight of others, heck, the weight of myself on my shoulders, brings out the very worst in me.... (Trevor can tell you )

I don't want to live that way.  I don't want to live consuming "Wine" 

 "Wine" of any sort, in place of Love, cheapens my life.

I long to live Whole Heartedly

I don't want to miss the heart of life, running around in the surface of life.

Father, Help me

Help me to enjoy "Wine" for what it is, but don't let it replace the sweetness of Your Love.  I need Your help to have what I most desire...... your kisses on my heart.

XOXOXO

I Remind Myself

No matter what things look like on the outside.  No matter what hardships are coming at me, crashing around me, beating against me

  If I get hurt and feel disappointed in others

If I'm weak, fail big, or not doing what I know (somewhere) that I should be

If I'm mean, irrational, or emotional

If I take a huge jump in faith and fall flat on my face

If I don't talk to God for a few days, even if I am deliberately not running into His arms.  If I question Him and what He's told me.

If I feel I am going the completely wrong way in life, and feel lost (almost) beyond belief

When I can't seem to find my Faith

I am Loved by Abba

Fully and Completely

I am hidden with Christ in God

I belong to my Father

I am the Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus

I am Holy and Blameless in Christ

God works all things out for my good

He will never let the Righteous fall

He is with me in everything, even when I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death... He is here.

He is merciful and kind

Generous and good

He can do Infinitely more than I could even ask or imagine, according to His power at work with in me

He's changing me

He's growing me

He is strengthening me

I am Loved 

I am Loved

I am Loved

XOXOXO

Peter Parker...... Who Knew?

Okay, I am going to do a little self centered ranting for a second here........

When I compare myself to the world.  When I think of where I should be right now.  When I glance around and see others, younger, smarter and taking risks.

I sink inside

It's like I'm a little ant of a person, holding a giant magnifying glass up to my head and looking at the world and others through it..... They look huge, accomplished and successful, or at least in the arena of life

I feel small, intimidated, lost, watching from the side lines

Naniamo BC

Vancouver Boardwalk

I'm 30 years old.  I have no children yet (I was supposed to have 3 at least by now!) I do not work... (yes, that's right, I still do not work) I still do not sew, play guitar.  I have not yet written or even started to write a book.  I have a blog that only a handful of people know about because I am terrified to be judged on my heart and thoughts.

Man, I have to sit back in times like these and seriously stare at God

.............................................................................................................................................................

That was me staring

His word says that He has a plan and a purpose for me.  He said that I was created for a reason, and placed here on earth do be His hands and feet.  He said that He formed me and imagined me as someone who would uniquely bear parts of His spirit and heart.  There are talents that He placed within me.  There are thoughts, songs, dances, ideas on the inside of me, like an intervenes connected from my arm to heaven's supply of creativity...

At the Mercy Home with this beauty, Sydney

I believe that!!

So whats the hold up?

Where is the outlet?

Why am I still tied to this dock, when the sea in front of me is so blue and big?!

I heard a sermon once about how women are created to be merchant ships.  Merchant ships are actually the largest ships and carry the most precious cargo.

Could it be that I am tied to the dock because God is still working on me so that I can carry more precious cargo safely?

Tightening bolts, hammering down floor boards.

Making sure that I am confident in His sturdy work in me before I hit the open seas?

Ya, it's hard to see the other boats who are able to sail right now, watching them pursue and get wet in what they were created to do.

Olympic Torch, Vancouver BC

I came across this quote this morning..........

“Do I contradict myself? Very well,

then, I contradict myself; 

I am large -- I 

contain multitudes."

-Walt Whitman

I'm not sure what he is actually talking about... but I personalized it (like I do with everything!) to mean that my life may look really small right now....

Wife in the making

Homemaker 

Longing for children

Small scale writer

Uneducated Dreamer of  sewing, music, art, gardens, dance,  speaking, travel, drama, healing

Quiet carrier of her Father's presence

Frustrated devotee, seeker, and learner of Grace and Love

WhiteRock BC

Christina, 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding of how (your life should look).  In all your ways,  acknowledge God (keeping your eyes glued to Him and not the worlds plans and purposes for success) He and He alone will direct your paths....  

Proverbs 3:5-6

I am not small and insignificant, nor are the things that God is doing in the secret places of my heart.

Rather, I am Large, and I contain multitudes!

A pic off the web that someone sent to Trev

XOXOXO