The Ghosts That We Knew, Will Flicker From View

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

What the heck does this even mean?  How does this verse translate to something tangible, something I can grab onto right now??

I need strength

Physically
Mentally
I need Courage (Heart Strength) to keep going

I feel like I'm walking upstream against a powerful current that is threatening to sweep me away in the direction I do not want to go.
It seems like all the women in my family (extended as well) deal with addiction, anxiety, fear, worry, insecurity....... man alive..... statistically speaking, I don't have a chance..... and I can feel the pull... now more than ever, to give up.

To give in to what is....... inevitable......?

My mom called me the other day, after weeks of hearing nothing from her, right before I was to walk out the door to speak at the Mercy Gala (to share my testimony of the freedom God has brought to my life)
She called from an alcohol treatment center.  We talked about her day, what she's learning.... I told her I was speaking that night, she basically said "oh thats nice" and then on to the next thing about her......
It's not her real heart to be self centered.

I know that my mom didn't have a chance.  She didn't learn how to nurture or Love from her mom.  I know that she hates herself so much, and doesn't feel like she deserves anything, so she has to make everything revolve around her.  I'm sure that she feels regret and guilt for her choices.

I don't want that for my life.
I don't want that for my children.
And I could easily go there.... I do easily go there.

In ten years... heck, in 2 years... I could easily be my mom right now...

Treatment Center
Addicted
Anxiety Ridden
Guilty and regretting
Fearful
Alone
Broken, Hurting
Hating myself

I need God's Strength because without Him I am sooo weak, and I lay down and float where ever the current takes me.... where ever my fearful feelings dictate, which is exactly to where my mom, and her mom.. and probably her mom went.... a small, captive life.

Oh God, 
Please Give me heart strength in the night when panic and fear are banging at my door.  Give me courage to keep moving when once again I bowed to the self centered feelings and exploded a mess of angry words at Trevor and did damage that I had not intended.  Give me the determination to not give into comprimise.

Pastor Helen says that Comprimise is settling for something that is easier,  because you are too afraid to fight for what you really believe in

God, Help me to keep fighting.  Please show me what I am fighting for. Give me eyes to see and a heart to choose.
Help me to walk against the self hatred, the fear, anxiety, addiction that are coming against me.

 Help me to fight for my marriage, for my children!

Help Trev and I to write a new chapter in our lineage. 
Give us the heart strength to labour to build a dam and slow this current.

One choice at a time

The Joy of the Lord is our Strength

Father, take us into this verse, may it come alive in me... in Trevor.

Joy
Our Strength

I've been listening to this song lately... over and over as a prayer to God... and a light at the end of the tunnel.....

There is Hope

By God's Grace, and His Grace only, Trevor and I are the beginning of a Godly generation (on both our sides)
Trevor is walking upstream against a whole other torrent of things

We will be Free!

Our children will walk in a new stream, a stream of Life, and Hope, Peace and Joy

The Joy of the Lord shall be Our Strength!

XOXOXO

I Don't Feel like Dancin

We went back to Calgary a few weeks ago for 2 really special weddings.  It was a whirlwind of a trip,  I may write more later, and delve into some of our lessons and experiences.... but Bottom line of the Whole experience....

God is so amazingly Good and Loving and Kind to Trev and I

He overshadows the bad times with Good Times, and He does it in His own beautiful, surprising and unexpected ways.....

Here are some moments and Love Letters from the last couple of weeks

Moments....

Early Morning Sun Rises in the Park

Trev, leaving goodies on my pillow for me

Hanging with my dear friend Angela and her precious miracle babies!  Angela, was the one who pushed (lovingly), supported, and prayed me into Mercy!  She is a beautiful Ray of Sunshine in my life!

Mom

Got to see my Mom, and had such an amazing, fun, peaceful visit.  God.... You blindsided me with such a blessing!!   I was actually undone.  A moment in my life,  I will never forget!

Memory Lane.......

Trevor took my around to some places that held memories for him, in his old neighborhood.

His old house, where he grew up on the Cul De Sac.. Back in the good old days (the 80's) when all the kids on the street were best friends and would play outside from morning to evening while all the parents sat out on their front lawns, watched, visited, and drank :)

He also took my to the parking lot at a church, where his dad taught him to ride a bike.  Also, where he shortly had a horrific wipe out when he realized his dad had let go of the back of the seat!

This is the parking lot where Trev and his brother took me the first time I learned to drive standard.....

Good old place!

Matt and Jane

Married!

Matt and Jane are our dear friends.  Matt and Trevor have been friends since high school.  Such an honor for Trevor to stand up with him as a groomsman.    

Matt had an action figure made of Trevor, and gave it to him as a gift for being in the wedding.  Trev was soooooo excited!

Trev and I on wedding day.. He looks so hot in a suit.

The cutest couple ever!

The Judge.  Matt, Jane, Trevor and I went on a vacation last summer and did a wine tour.  Matt purchased the Judge and was saving it for a special occasion.  We cracked it open, just the 4 of us, a few nights before the wedding.  It was really special!  They are two of our best friends!

Stagette and Miss Underwood!

My sister in Law, Tanya's, Stagette.  We went to Uno Pizza, where there was flowers, rose pedals, and bubbly specially for her on the table.... (She was super surprised!!)

I was introduced to Formagio Pizza.. which is basically just cheese and Honey.. and it was awesome!!

(who'd a thunk??)

Then we were off to a Carrie Underwood concert.... I'm not typically a huge Carrie Underwood fan... I think I only knew like 2 songs... and yes "Jesus Take the Wheel" was one of them..... But it was a fun night!

Date'in It Up!

Date day with Trevor!  We went for a drive in the boonies, dreaming about owning our own chunk of land someday where our kids could run around, and far enough from civilization that we could become nudists if we wanted to!!!

Although, after this season in life, living in Surrey, on a major highway, we both could not see a place that was neither secluded enough, or quiet enough....

We'll keep looking!

Chris and Tanya

Married!

Chris and Tanya's Wedding.  It was a beautiful wedding!  Chris looked so handsome, and Tanya looked stunning!

I am so happy for these two, and I pray for an amazing, fun, and adventurous marriage!

Dance!

And Probably (sad to say) highlight of the whole trip was my introduction to  

Just Dance!

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that i feel I was made to play this game.

I Love Love Love it!!

It will most assuredly be a part of my future!

Trev is going to kill me for putting this video in........

Much Love, 

...... and even more Loved, 

Christina

xoxoxo

The secret is the cinnamon stick!

 It's like my life is a poker game. At one time in my life, it was as if I had been sitting at a card table filled with people trying to play and win at this game I knew nothing about.  No one taught me how to play, the sequences, the strategies..... I'm at the professional table, nothing (or something?) in my hand and  having to bluff my way through the game.

There was a time in my life when I wanted to be sick.    

When being "sick" and bluffing was the only move I thought I could play, the chips were stacked high in front of me in my over responsible, heavy life as a teenager and young adult.
It was the only excuse I felt I had to be weak, and take a step back from playing my roles, never able to be real about the way I was feeling and cards that were actually in my hand.

It's not an over exaggeration to say that I was mysteriously "sick" and home from school like once a week through my teen years.
Now that I look back, I think my dad knew about my phantom symptoms, but for some reason, he allowed me to play my deck as I chose, making me soup for lunch, and hot honey lemon water, sucked up through a cinnamon stick.... warmed my stomach and my filled  heart.

My "sick" approach to this tournament, only accelerated as job, youth leader and wife were added to my hand. I was deep into the game and still had no clue what I was doing or how to properly play.  As the expectations (mostly from myself) rose, I feared I may be called on my bluff and fell into a more advanced severe and desperate method of play.....

Fold
Although,  Anorexia was not entirely new to me at this point...... it had never been my winning angle.
Like a sub-conscience lightbulb moment, I realized that the cards in my hand would never be enough to win... no matter what they were. My only choice to drop out of this game of life which, in my opinion, was far to big, heavy, and hard for me.

And there you have it..... I was out of the game for many many years. At a few points, I was almost literally taken out this world, but for the most part I watched the rest of the table continue playing....
Now sitting on the sidelines of the game and my life, watching others engage, laugh, strategize, grow in skill.
I tried to tell myself "I don't care... I could never make it anyway.  I don't have what it takes. I'm not good enough to play." 

I once had dreams.  I once had Hope.  
I once believed that God had a good plan for my life.
Now watching the others continued relationship, laughter and involvement..... 

the realization hits me that I have actually lost.... BIG TIME... More than I ever wanted to lose. 

I was not created to sit the game out.
I was not created to make a rash manouver and..... call it quits so early.

I was created to play

God had been watching me the whole time.  He's been dealing the game,  starring at me the entire night, noticing me looking longingly at the card table.  At the end of the last hand, He puts the cards down.  No one knows what's happening, and they all watch as He makes His way over to me across the room.  I feel awkward, humbled, and ashamed.  I look away thinking He must be walking over to someone else.... but as I glance around, there is no one else around me.  He's coming for me.  His eyes embodying a mischievous smile.
He reaches down and grabs my hands, pulls me up, leads me over to the table to the seat right in front of Him as everyone watches.  My heart is pounding as He begins to deal once again.  He nods at me, and I know that He's saying to me.......

"My Sweetest Christina,  sit your butt down here.... You were made to do this Darling."

In His Grace and Mercy...... He dealt me back in
He brought me to Mercy

God has done such a miracle in my heart.
I feel as if He has revived me, and given me the passion and hope to play once again.
This time, there are those, standing over my shoulder teaching me strategy, and giving me insight, on how to ride this one to the end of the game.

Now my heart feels full of desires for this second chance at life:

Adventures with Trevor - Listening, hiking, laughing, travel, exploring, Love, climbing, surfing, sharing, silliness, friendship
Enjoying my role as a Wife - creating a home, nurturing an environment of Peace, Joy, and Safety, cooking, laundry, cleaning, notes in Trev's lunch, making the bed, expressing Love in all I do
A baby - My heart pounding with this awakened longing to be a mother
Connection - building a community, and church family once again
Family- being reshaped and restored, the broken pieces being put back together
Friendship - relationship and connection with all generations of women

Feeling purpose and destiny churn within my being
Writing
Learning
Dance

Creativity

My heart is singing once again
Waking up with songs and melodies
Lyrics that breathe embodiment to the dance of my heart

Like a mother feels the urge (I've heard) to push when she's in labour, so I am feeling the adrenaline in my Spirit...... and I want to birth this beautiful gift that has been placed in my being.

And now......

Unexpectantly, annoyingly, frustratingly (beyond belief)...  I am waiting, anticipating the moment to play my straight flush, excited and assured of my success, when.........

My opposing competator has suddenly played a rare, once in a life time royal flush and I feel I may be forced to fold.

Wait!

I don't understand??  I thought I was made to play??

I want to play, to win....... to play this amazing hand I've been dealt.  I want to take off running with everything that God is breathing life to, on the inside of me.....

Coming out of Mercy, my expectations were so different  from what I am experiencing...... I was not counting on my opponent to play a royal flush.... and now I sit looking in disbelief at this hand 
I thought was enough....

In this season, I had not expected that I would struggle so hard with insomnia, having a backwards schedule to the rest of the world
The fatigue and lack of energy
The anxiety and fear, I thought I had conquered,  back in full fledged vengeance.
Feeling so weak, and not sure if I should make plans each week.. unsure of how I will be feeling or how much sleep I will get
The emotional roller coaster, and frazzled nerves of exhaustion
The effects on Trevor
Fighting symptom after symptom due to a tired immune system
Thinking every month that I may just be pregnant, and falling down the same pit of disappointment when I see the negative sign

I feel like everyday, I am fighting to Live......., like really live.... the abundant life..... to run with these dreams,  to start projects, explore all these ideas flooding my mind.... all the possibilities.... but it's like there are lead weights on my feet, and I can't move as fast as I would like... and its driving me CRAZY.

It's making me wonder what the heck is going on.

God, You dealt me back in??!!

How can I do any of these things in my heart without my health?

I am healthy and strong, full of the Life and Energy of God..... God, I want to be healthy and strong, full of Your life and energy

Oh Father,
I trust that You have full understanding where I have none.
I trust that You have a plan and a purpose, where I lack vision, and a way prepared when all I see is the fear.
Open my eyes, father.  Open my heart to receive Your truth,
I need You.

Sing to me until I sleep again

Our friends were over.  They just had a baby, and I was watching and thinking about parents with a baby.
If the baby has a need, a pain, a discomfort, the baby doesn't try to figure out what's wrong with it.  It doesn't try to fix it, or find a solution.
It cries.
And who figures out what's wrong? Who fixes it and finds a solution?
The parent.

Dad,
I am crying out to You.  I want to feel better.  I want to sleep.  I've tried everything.  My head and throat hurt.  I'm so tired.  I feel discouraged and I'm getting a little hopeless.
I need You.
I need You to fix things in my mind and body.  I need You to figure this out for me.
Change things.
I'm gonna come and lay in your lap, K.  I'm just really tired, Dad.
Bring me some hot honey, lemon water with a cinnamon stick, and fill my heart again.