Come to Me

I haven't written for a few days.  The thought has popped up in my head to write, but I've been avoiding sitting down and processing all these thoughts and questions, and even the frustrations that are consuming my mind energy.
When I woke up this morning, early, my heart was in a panic.  Now, I would understand this state of heart, had I been going to a job interview, or doing something extremely taxing ( I can't even think of an example right now).. but what I am trying to say is that my to-do list today consists of making a phone call, emailing a friend who wrote me like a week ago,  making a mothers day card, and going to the passport office for a renewal...... and the most frustrating thing about the panic I feel about this "no reason to feel taxing" day ahead, is that Trevor is home all day with me!  Home to help with any one of those things, should I need him.  There are the four things I have written on a blue piece of paper, by the computer - but my mind is swirling with plenty of small tasks that I wouldn't want to actually write down, for fear of looking "overly busy" (We are learning about time margin at church)
 I have picked up a good habit, over the past 8 months at Mercy, which is to not say "What is wrong with me?"  but I feel that the state of my heart today, and honestly, everyday, for as long as I can remember, requires me to ask myself this question (maybe change the wording a little) "What is wrong on the inside of me?"  and to take a good long look at the answer.

For the past few years, I have outwardly lived The Dream Life.  Trevor made good money, which allowed me to stay at home ( no kids to stay at home for... just me).  I did have a really good job at the bank (for years) but I was getting super stressed, not sleeping, crying all the time, and coping through the eating disorder.  Trevor, out of desperation (probably) agreed that I should quit my job and stay home. I also stopped doing youth work and all volunteering at the church, in an effort to eliminate all the sources of  my perceived stress.  At first, I was happier, more functional.  My days, to anyone else, would have been an absolute joke.  I had a cleaning schedule (about an hour a day).  I would go on walks, bake, cook, hang out with girlfriends (who were at home because they actually had kids), and shop... lots and lots of shopping (so, on other words,  I was very bored).  I did the same thing everyday, predictable, a pretty easy and light life, you'd assume.  Yet, it wasn't long before every morning, after another sleepless night,  I would wake up in the same panic, as when I was gone ten hours a day working and traveling for  the bank, and managing a crazy schedule.

It doesn't make sense.  What it does tell me though, is that the panic and stress I feel, even now,  is very much internal...... not external.

I have been captivated with the concept of rest. I recognize this aspect of life that is missing, and I long for it.  So.....   I've been trying to start my days of with God and reading the bible, worship. I love it!   In those moments of quiet, I feel His peace, His love.  I'd even venture to say that I feel His rest.  I feel filled, and ready to tackle the day (whatever items it holds for me).  It isn't long, into my day,  before I can feel the panic surface again and I start to feel frantic.

I seems like Christina can have two modes:

1.  Fast paced, diligent, don't stop till every last item on the list is checked off (even the line written "Rest").  Go go go, adrenaline rush, listen to upbeat praise music "I can do all things through Christ", listen to a sermon (one of those 10 minute snack sized ones) as I can feel my zeal waning.  Keep on going Christina, momentum.  If I stop I feel like I'll never get up. Call someone to encourage them, bake something for Trevor's lunch, pray while I'm doing the dishes "thats what I should be doing right?  God would want that".  Feeling on top of things, I've made healthy eating choices, no diet pop.  I'm keeping the body thoughts under control,  but I can sense this sadness and frustration with myself take over, and Trevor will be home in an hour, and its not fair that he only gets the tired, critical, angry Christina........  I can't hold it together anymore.........
2.  Burned out, weary, lonely, sad, discouraged, "what am I doing wrong?", God must be getting annoyed with me when I'm working - but He wants me to Rest in Him (oh, but I shouldn't be thinking that - its not truth, "focus on truth Christina"), guilty. I just spent another day like I said I wouldn't, want to cancel everything I just committed to for the next couple of days because I'm really really tired. Empty, vacuum mode - I need filling from anything (I'll just have one diet pop, maybe some chocolate, my arms look fat, I should do some push ups before Trevor gets home.  Which reminds me, Trevor didn't hug me this morning, actually, has he really paid much attention to me in the past couple of days?)

I feel so strongly, that God wants to Free me from both of these "modes".  I believe He wants to show me a new way to live - in Him.  I have to believe that He will show me because I'm not "getting it".   I read about Rest, and His love, my heart soars and yearns.  I can see His face, His eyes.  I can hear His voice calling to me, whispering in my ears, see His arms outstretched, inviting me to come.

Why can I not seem to come to You, God?

It's like I can come for moments.  I have been able (somehow), in the past couple of days, to go straight for my bible instead of the pop.  I don't seem to stay long, though. Even though, a moment is growth,  It's not good enough for me.  How do I live life with Him?  In His arms.  Why do I have to leave?  Is it okay that I want to live every moment in His hug, cuddled as close as I can get to His heart?  I don't want to do life alone.  I never did.
There is so much I want to do.  So many things I want to give my time and energy to.  I can say with absolute certainty, now, that I cannot do any of it without God.  The pressure and weight on my shoulders is too much.  It steals joy, peace, and health from me.

Father,  You see my heart.  I know you do.  Don't give up on me.  I need You to show me how to run into Your arms and stay there.  Do whatever You have to do..... I  mean that, Lord.  I give You my heart, my tired, battered, aching heart.  Help me to see who You really are, and trust You with my everything.  I surrender.... I really do.  
Don't allow me to live a life with myself as the source.  May You be my source, and the one I depend on for everything.

Whale Bacon?

My Trevor......

Color......

 so, so much laughter........

and fun........

  

 and I love him very much!

Moments

K, so I am definitely recognizing Moments during my days.  Moments where I feel like I'm getting it.  Moments where  life feels like a breeze and I just want to take off running.  Then, there are these moments that seem to sneak up on me.  I wish I knew what caused them so I could make sure to arrange my time successfully to avoid them. These are moments when I feel as if I'm doing everything wrong in some way or another.
I was feeling pretty good today.  Sun is shining.  Trev is coming home from work early.  Enjoyed the quiet, reading my bible, face booking friends, listened to some Kim Walker.  I even left the pile of dishes in my sink for the whole morning without touching them!   Walked down to the post office, in the glorious brightness,  to pick up a parcel from my sister, got a coffee.  I sat in Hallmark and read greeting cards for like 45 minutes (I've never done that before.. but really enjoyed myself)

I was on my way home, when I ran into the girls from Mercy Ministries (the recovery program that I just graduated from) out on their shopping day.  It was really good to see them, but I all of a sudden felt super self conscious.  I became hyper aware of myself putting on a mask.  Especially talking to the staff member with them.  I found it very awkward to encounter her outside of a setting where I am "expected to struggle",  to an encounter now, where I am not really sure of anyone's expectations of me.  Don't get me wrong... I adore her, and consider her more of a friend than staff.  Super easy to talk to, and be real with... usually...
I'm so confused right now because I don't feel like I had anything to hide from anyone.  The excitement I shared, was true and genuine..... so why do I feel so insecure?  Why could I not wait to bolt away from the spot light?  Why am I engrossed with wondering if they thought I had lost weight (did I?), or if they thought that I seemed way too happy (was I too enthusiastic?)... and that I must be faking it?...... Am I???

It's not like things are perfect.  Am I more conscious about my weight  now that I'm not being weighed consistently and have no way (other than how my clothes seem to feel) to measure how I am really doing? Yes.   Am I struggling to make healthy (but not rigid) choices with food and beverage numerous times a day and never quite feeling like I chose the best option?  Yes.  Am I endeavoring to not be consumed with wondering if those are new dimples on the backs of my legs, or if I've just never seen myself in this lighting before? Yes.  Am I questioning whether I am doing all of this right, asking myself if what I am feeling is okay and somewhat normal?   The answer is Yes.  


I don't have a manual here.  I wish I could follow an astounding woman of God around for a week, with a notebook, and ask her everything she does to live successful.  Everything down to what she eats, listens to, reads.  What does she do for fitness?  How does she interact with her husband?  What does she order at Starbucks?  Shampoo?  How does she balance chores, friends, marriage, rest?  How does she fill and nurture herself?  How she has learned to love and accept herself (dimples and all)?
This would all be so much easier if I could pattern my life exactly like a woman that embodies the ideals I aspire to.
I don't "go here" much, but, in this moment I really wish I had my mom to talk to.  To tell me that its all going to be okay, and that I'm doing just fine.

I thought I was doing just fine. Or am I just naive? I have hope.  I have moments of laughter.  I am dreaming again!  I have moments where I am shocked by the choice I just made to live, and marvel at God's goodness.

Everyone's expectations (perceived or real) aside (even my own), I've had some pretty awesome moments in the past couple of days that I feel I need to linger in right now.

• Watching Modern Family with Trevor.  I laugh so hard at Cam and Mitch, my stomach aches.  (I make him re-watch my favorite parts over and over)
• I talked to Trevor's grannie this morning on the phone.  She's super old, yet so full of life.  Sassiest grandma I've ever met... (lots of laughs)
• Watched Disney song videos (with lyrics) on You Tube.  Pocahontis, Little Mermaid, Tangled.... just cuz.
• Spent time writing dear friends.
• Did some stretching before bed
• Listened to Song of Solomon (The Message Version!)
• Turned on Rascal Flats and danced.
• Made the perfect cup of coffee (I wish Kendra was here to taste it)
• Soaked in the sun
• Trevor played with the ends of my hair during church (I didn't want to move an inch, so he wouldn't stop)
• Trev and I jogged 2.1 km's (its far for me, okay), and we are going out again in like half an hour (down by the ocean)
• Trevor was the last thing I saw last night before sleep, and the first thing when I woke up this morning! (I'm so thankful to live with him again)
• And one of my most enjoyable moments.  Going to Menchie's ( Frozen Yogurt Sundae Bar ).... Alone ..... getting vanilla yogurt topped with almonds, cookie dough pieces, chocolate chips, and eating every last bite!  And right before lunch too!  (how irresponsible)

Well, I feel a little better.................

I wish there was a points system where I could tangibly measure how successful I am at life. I know I'm not my most humane critic, and its not fair to everyone else in my world, if I'm chasing their constant validation.  Its draining, and honestly, I just want to be free from appraisal, in every sense of the word.  In weight, in food, as Trevor's wife, in relationships, as a Christian, as a woman, a daughter, and someday a mother.

This was a verse I read this morning (Funny enough, it just popped up in my mind right now)  

I'll add my name in, cuz I always do :)

Eph 2:7-9 (msg)

Now God has Christina where he wants her, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon her in Christ Jesus. Saving her is all his idea, and all his work. All she does is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift to her from start to finish! She doesn't play the major role. If she did, she's probably go around bragging that she'd done the whole thing! No, Christina neither makes nor saves herself. God does both the making and saving. 

Moment............ He's so faithful to help me just when I need Him.   

  

Remember, Christina, its Him, not you.

 

Can't I be both Mary and Martha?

I've been up since 4AM.  Mind rushing around all the things I would like to get done today.
Now, its actually time to start the day and I have the same fatigue headache I've had for the past few weeks.  Normally, I'm not a complainer....(okay, maybe sometimes with Trevor) but, I'm really struggling here in the area of Rest.  More so,  rest at its most basic form.... sleep.

I've been reading about Martha and Mary.  (Luke 10 :38-42)  and really wrestling with it.

Wrestling Ring:

So Jesus and His disciples are in town.  Martha and Mary Love the Lord, decide to have a dinner party for Him, cuz you know, He's kind of a "big deal!"
So Martha decides to go all out ..... and I mean all out! (I'm pretty sure her love language is Acts of Service) She doesn't mess around when it comes to entertaining (How can you not love this girl!). I'm sure she was excitedly planning dinner courses, table settings, colours.......running all the ideas past Mary, who was reading her book and only half listening..... "Ya!  that would be great Martha.. We could totally do that! (Not really grasping the magnitude of the plans that were in the making) I kind of get the sense that dinner parties are not Mary's thing, she's way more excited about the social aspects and good times than the  boring details.


Night of the party.... Everyone arrives:

Martha hasn't slept for days..... the creative flow, now more like a flash flood.  She's been excitedly rushing around doing everything, even more so tonight.  Martha hasn't seen Mary all night but also kind of glad she isn't around, cuz there is nothing worse than having someone help with your creative masterpiece who doesn't give a crap about esthetics!

Martha's daydreams about how Jesus is going to flip over the Rissotto, are abruptly interrupted when she hears Jesus, the disciples.. and Mary's Piercing laugh coming from the next room. Martha peers around the corner, sure enough, there is "long lost" Mary sitting right at Jesus' feet hanging on every word He is saying.

This is the part of the story where Martha gets a bad wrap. See, I don't think that Martha was angry at Mary for not helping.  It was probably a common senario for her, I mean, trust a Sanguine personality to "plan" a Party but not want to have any part in the "Work".  I'm sure Martha knew what to expect from her sister. I do think, however, that Martha felt really extremely excluded and left out. (Just imagining her face as she peeks around the corner makes me want to cry). After all, Martha opened her home to Jesus.  She wanted to hang out with Him,  and all the preparations were to express Love and make Him feel special and thought of..... to be close to Him

With pang's of jealousy towards her sister, (who is now slapping Jesus' knee in a roar of laughter), Martha, desperate to be included and remembered, walks right up to Jesus, interrupts His story, and basically says "Is it nothing to You that Mary has left all the work for me to do" (even though we all know that the party runs way smoother without Mary involved.) "Tell her to come help me, Lord!"

Now, every other time I have read this verse, I have found Martha to sound like a selfish, whiny ten year old.  Now, as I read, I can hear the hurt in her voice, and my heart breaks. 
 What she's really saying is ("Lord, I love you.  I want to be near You.  I want to be having fun with You too.... that is all I ever wanted from tonight!  I'm in the kitchen pouring my heart into a mean Rissotto because I know its Your favorite, and I picked blue place settings because I really wanted you to get this fresh and calming feeling after all the traveling You've done.  Now,  it feels like I'm left out and You've forgotten me")

Then He goes and does it.... (gets me every time)  
 I can see His kind eyes looking straight into hers that are brimmed with tears of hurt and frustration.  He already knew what her heart was saying but her mouth couldn't.
He puts His hand on her cheek, cups her face and says "Martha, My dear, treasured, precious friend. My best little hostess ever, Martha."  "You are worried and upset about many details for this party (all of which are stunning, by the way, nice touch with the centerpiece!) I see your Love for Me in every detail.  I know what you really want, though.  You want to hang out with me, and to be honest, Love, I feel gipped because I wanted to enjoy your company too, and I've hardly seen you all night.  I Love what you have planned, only you would be so thoughtful as to make strawberry Marguritas for me, but Mary has the right idea right now, taking full advantage of our precious time together.  Come and have a little rest with Me in here. You look beat!  We can all pitch in afterward (except Mary, I'll make up some sort of distraction for her)  I have so much to tell you Martha.  You look beautiful tonight, by the way,  thats a new dress isn't it" He notices as He leads her into the den....... (K, the last line was just added in as a little cheat sheet for Trevor....... my love language is verbal affirmation... you're welcome Babe)

Okay, I have written way more than I intended.  I got a little absorbed in evolving the emotional climate of the story.  Really, though,  this story has been stuck in my head the past few days as I find myself waking up in the wee hours of the morning, so excited with all these good intentions I have for the day.  Lots of which are plans of good... God, Work, Me time, Trevor, others......,  but by mid day, I am exhausted, and "my precious time with God" has become a to do list.  There's always seem to an underlying sense that I am doing something for Him, and not really allowing Him to do something for me.

Rest, (Ahhhh!) the word simply taunts me.  The question that is rolling around in my mind now is "What is it about Mary that allowed her to sit at the feet of Jesus when there was a ton of stuff to be done?(some of which she was even responsible for) Good things, things for Jesus.  How was she able to let the whole night of events fade into the background as she laughed, talked, enjoyed her savior, and allowed herself to be saturated with His presence?  


Dearest Martha,
I'm not going to lie, I'm a little jealous of Mary as well.  To be so carefree.  No weight on her shoulders. ......... 
 I've found myself often annoyed/envious of girls like Mary (whoever Mary is, right now, I've turned her into a fictitious character in my very exaggerated and embellished bible story)
Mary just seems so free to Love Jesus.  Free to not give a rip about anyone's expectations. Free to enjoy friendship.
I do know (from the actual facts of the bible) that Mary was the woman who spilled the expensive perfume on Jesus because she had been forgiven  of many sins.  Some even speculate (?)   that it may have been Mary who was the "nameless" woman caught in the act of adultery, that Jesus saved from a stoning, forgave, and empowered  to leave her life of sin.  She may or may not be the nameless woman but  something tells me that there is more to Mary's intensions than being a mere sociable and slacker.
What does she have with Jesus that is so special?
And I'm sure it's not  only with Jesus.  I bet she is good at recognizing what and who is important in the moment.  I bet she has a ton of friends, adored by everyone, and sleeps 8 hours a night!

You know,  Martha, I really do enjoy our personality. Ya, I said it....  I love to get things accomplished, be creative.  I love to pay attention to trivia about others and give thought out tokens to show them that they are special and important to me.  Plus, there is not much more satisfying to me than flipping through my day planner (I'm like the only one in the world who still uses a paper one) and seeing the highlighter strokes through every task done with as much excellence as I was capable of.

............... or is there something more satisfying?

I can relate with the ache of loneliness you feel, being in the kitchen,  lost in the genesis of an offering so dear to your heart, but  only hearing the bursts of laughter from the next room.  The sounds of fun being had, memories being made, inside jokes being created, while we stand alone, pretending that we really do prefer to be in the kitchen doing something of way more importance (I mean, its for Jesus.. how much more momentous does it get?)  It hurts, though, because as much as we crave connection, we don't believe that, stripped of all the adjectives behind our names, and accomplishments we are remembered for, no one would want to include boring, responsible, stick in the mud, awkward us in the festivities.
What you thought would be the very center and highlight of the evening, what you have poured yourself into, what you thought would attract a circle of friends around you, what you thought would cause everyone to see that you really are an awesome person and want to get to know you,  has only served to keep you on the outside... longing to be on the inside.

Jesus saw your heart, Martha, and I know He sees mine too.  I believe He loves us, even created the details about us that we admire about ourselves (secretly of course).  I have been pondering the reality that I may view myself (my likability, my charisma) as lacking or non existent, and I can see how that
assumption is an explanation for all the striving and working to "add"  something of appeal to myself.

When did I ever start to believe that I was not enough, that there needed to be descriptions behind my name to make me worth someone's while?

God, You knew all this was in my heart, and behind my excess activity. You've been whispering to me for days.  Man,  I need  help to see myself with Your eyes.  
 Father, I don't believe You want me to live my life on the outside - longing to be on the inside.

Your word says,  at the very core, I am made in Your  image, therefore, I must be good like You, lovable like you, have a captivating personality like You.  You wanted to be my friend.  You say You are delighted to be in my company.  Just me, stripped of everything I would hide behind or use to define myself.   Help this truth to become revelation to me, Father.    Help me to leave the safety of the kitchen, follow You into the den for a little rest, and hang on every word You say about this Christina that You love so much.

I want You God.  More than anything, I want You.

XOXOXO

Kids Corner

Here's what happened:

I'm at home, just eaten lunch ( a healthy choice of a salad, good decision Christina ), I'm pretty full ( a little uncomfortable, actually), but as I'm cleaning up, I impulsively eat a piece of Trevor's chocolate bunny (you know, the one that calls to me every time I open the cupboard)…. The well known voices start.  "You have no self control. You pig. So weak. Your addicted to food."  Feeling like my motives were exposed, defeated, I could sense the compulsion rising to continue eating and eating only to purge…. feed this monster called bulimia that I have been so carefully busying myself to avoid (and have "successfully" done so in the past few days at home i must say). The truth is, I already feel like crap today.  I can’t remember a time when I have been running on so little sleep (what is happening to me?)  I have ALL these huge plans (really good things.. and things that I want to get done in my days) but I am seriously lacking the energy and drive to do them. (This is absolutely not the industrious Christina I know)

God, help me right now!

Our internet is not working today, Are you kidding me? (that is basically the only thing in our house to distract myself)… Perfect....

I need to get out of the house.  I am certain if I stay I will binge and purge and start a cycle of failure that I fear would sweep me away.

  So, I dry shampoo my hair ( the stuff really works ), apply some concealer to hide the dark purple circles, squeeze into my jeans that fit a little looser ( I think?) last week, grabbed the computer and hurried out the door.

I found myself in the kids corner of the Indigo book store, in a plastic blue chair with a pile of children's books about families, bears, love, and stuff.  I think that the simplicity of these books speak more to me than any other form of literature.  I tend to overcomplicate everything, so reading simple words of Love are like a breath of fresh air, and speak right to my heart a lot of the time.

One book drew my attention in particular.  It was called Why I Love my Daddy.  One page said “I Love my daddy because He carries me” another said “ I love my daddy because he always has the best ideas” and another  “I love my daddy because he is big and strong”

I think I really needed to be reminded of my father God in this moment.  He is big and strong, right now, when I feel so small and weak and tired, and fearful that I don’t have the strength (in myself) to resist the old temptations that are calling my name.  He Does.

I really am thankful that God has the best ideas because I really have got none.  Just the fact that He gave me the strength to leave the house today, and how I just “ended up” at the book store.  He’s here with me.  He really is.

I really experienced Him Carrying me in this past hour.

God, we made it.  Its only 1:30 (4 more hours until Trevor gets home) I have a bit more hope though.  Dad, thank you for reminding me who you are.  Please keep giving me the best ideas of how to not just run away from the seduction of temptation, but how to face it and laugh (eventually...). 

Carry me, Father.  Carry me for 4 more hours.  I can make it 4 more hours.

I am Strong in the Lord, and in His mighty power.

Strong - especially able, competent, or powerful, of great moral power, firmness, or courage: strong under temptation.

This is who You made me to be, God.  Strong, Able, Courageous.  Help me to see myself like You do.  You live inside me!  (I want to Get this... You... live.... inside..... me.)  I will not live my life running from Fear.  I Will rise to be the woman of strength You call me to be!  

It's me and You, Father. 

I love You because Your always fixing things that I haven't a clue how to fix.... What would I do without You?

Life...

 I've been in treatment for 8 months.  Sheltered, fed, lovingly guided in what to do and when, prayed for, immersed in the word of God, surrounded by mentors and friends round the clock.  

I wouldn't be lying to say that I was most comfortable there, safe, nurtured, protected.

Last Tuesday, I was, for lack of a better term, warmly budged out of the nest, and head first into life.

Life.   You would think that this would be a time of pure elation and excitement (don't get me wrong, if I dig a little.. its there) but mostly, I feel lost.  maybe life, to anyone else would seem natural, light and effortless.  To me, it feels foreign, cryptic and concealed.  It hit me that I have walked more of my life at age 29 with an eating disorder than I have without.... so basically, I am 29 going on 13.

I felt to start a blog, actually, the thought came to me at 2:57AM two nights ago. The Truth is that God has transformed my life, healed me and set me free in the past eight months.  I am new,  there is no doubt about that.  Now, I get to unearth this whole Christina, and discover how to flourish in this in this new found liberty.  Great.... How in the freaking world do I do that?

 I want this place to be a home for my heart.  A place where I can be honest about my struggles (which, there will be many), pause in my moments of triumph, express myself to God and process with Him the things roaming around in my head(this will make Trevor happy to not be on the receiving end of ALL my processing).  It would be cool if my journey of learning to walk again could help another young woman, someday, who is facing the same foreign open space in front of her.

I'm a little nervous to embark on this adventure of being real..... with myself, with God, and with anyone else who may ever read these chronicles.  I think that every single person on earth has HUGE things in their heart, and that we could all learn so much by engaging in each other's stories.  Its amazing how my world is impacted by unreal and admirable dear friends as I read their own memoirs.  

So... here we go Christina.  A new Chapter.  A new beginning.......

God, can you help me to embrace life, I want to find You... like really find You.  I want to walk with You in Your unforced rythms of Grace..... and maybe enjoy the adventure a little.