I Guess Thats What Grace Does.... Surprises The Crap Out Of Us!

 I want you to meet someone

She is one of a kind... that is for sure

She is full (and I mean Full) of Creative ideas
She rarely (ha ha... okay, never) follows through on any of them

She is Passionate
The ups and downs of her emotions and moods resemble a heart monitor screen

She has been called Beautiful, even Stylish by others
Inwardly, she still views herself as the boyish looking, awkward teenager, with the baggy Value Village clothes, orange dollar store foundation,  and Caterpillar brows

She tries her darnedest to live a life Healthy and Strong
But that damn mirror never stops reminding her about the part that isn't quite good enough

She's the girl who got married and seriously, seriously thought that she would now be Romanced and Swept off her feet, everyday for the rest of her life.....
It took 8 years for her to realize that Love is a two way street

She has a Heart to be a Woman that young girls can look to as an example of a Godly Role Model
She fears that the thorn(s) in her flesh and the cracks (or massive creators) in her clay pot may keep her on the sidelines of her dreams

She longs to be a part of a congregation of women, who Love, Dance, Roar, and Dispel Darkness
But could she ever belong?

She has wanted to be a Mother since she was old enough to walk and boss people around.
Ironically enough, the cards that life dealt her, left her 13, looking for her lost mother, and without a stinkin clue

She was born to do something Crazy and Adventurous.  Break the Rules
She's scared of failing, and doing it all wrong

She wants to Stand Up and Live Differently
Annnndddd she wants to just blend in and be accepted by people

She wants to Breathe Freedom, Liberty and Life
And she does, until her day goes sideways and that bag of chocolate in her pantry stash offers her a little lovin

She has Something To Say
She may be wrong, so she'll just listen

She wants a Career, to Sing, Make Music, Act, Paint, do something in Fashion and Design, Decorate, Create, Write A Book (or 5)

Where in the World does she start... It all seems too big for her
Plus, she's not smart (Thats what they aways said, anyway)

She thinks her husband is the Most Amazing, Kind Hearted, Gifted, Respectable Man she has ever met.
She opens her mouth and the criticism gushes like a bucket of nasty slough water

She wants to be a Really Good Wife and Friend, and Daughter, and Example of Christ
She doesn't have enough hands to uphold all the people around her
She is not the least bit constant or stable  (Ha ha... not even a little bit!)

She Dreams of Peaceful Streams
She frantically treads water in pounding waves

She Imagines Wide Open Spaces of Fields and Wild Flowers
She stays in the back yard where its safe, picking Dandilions

She Apires to be a Princess.  Kind, Gracious, Altogether Lovely,  The Sweetly Captivating Beauty at the Ball, Losing Herself in The Dance of Magical Spins and Miralce Gowns
More often she resembles a Jealous, Complainy Step Sister, talking about the stupid girl who stole the show

She detests her Weaknesses, but they Propel Her to Her Father's Arms, day after day after day...... Someday, She'll Just Stay There

It would be Easier to Give Up.... Most days, actually
But, What if Today is the Day that "Life As She Knows It" Changes Forever.......!?!?!

She Forgets Who She Is on a regular basis, finds herself A Little Lost in a bad part of town
She's Remembering Alot Quicker these days, Can See the Lights of Home, and Hear her Dad Calling her Name

She was Rescued as a young girl

Adopted into a life that, for the most part, seems to good to be real

She has been Respired with Hope

Chosen to be Loved and Adored

Given Power

Forgiven and Aquitted of the past, present and future

Promised Faithfulness

She will never again be abandoned

or left to her own devices

She has been Saved From Herself

Showered with Gifts and Blessing

Filled With Purpose

She is Believed In

And Planted in a Love Far Greater, More Capable, Wiser, and Stronger than her

I've known this girl for a very long time.... You may know her too, or someone like her. 
It seems like everytime I go to box her in, judge her or define her... She surprises me, moves and changes, leaving me baffled once again.
She is a Woman Covered in Grace
And I guess that is what Grace does
It changes us, moves us and surprises the crap out of us
Leaves us baffled and wondering How in the world could we have possibly done things differently than we have always done?
Grace leaves us knowing, really really deep down, that it was definately none of ourselves that moved us to this new place
But Something, Someone working with us and through us, carrying us day in and day out

Watch out..... We may not even recognize her soon

XOXOXO

When I Just Don't Have A Clue.......

Fixing My Eyes This Morning

God, I look to You (Not to my own wisdom and Strength)

I won't be overwhelmed (Even though I don't have the answers, and I feel like life and circumstances are so much bigger than me)

Give me vision, to see things like You do

God I look to You

Your where my help comes from 

Give me Wisdom

You know just what to do (You know the answer to every question I have)

Father, today I fix my eyes on how big You are.  I am small, and I don't have a clue.  There are things that I need You to show me how to do.  Please give me Your eyes today.

You Love me, and You answer me when I call to You for help.  You offer me strength and hope.

Father, for all of us that feel in over our heads.  For all of us with questions.  For all of us who are tempted to worry, stress, or give into the fear of the unknown, I pray that You would help us to fix our thoughts on You,  Your power, Wisdom, and ability.

You never leave us to figure things out on our own, You never leave us helpless in our own devices.

The Spirit helps us in our weakness

Romans 8:26-28 MSG

 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

I pray for creative ideas and strategies from Heaven, as we put our feet up and Rest in You

XOXOXO

Fix - To settle definitely upon, to hold fast, or direct attention on permanently

Fix 

your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Phil 4:8

I'm Fixing my thoughts today on the sunshine that tells me it's a new day with new opportunity.  Today is not just a day to get through and survive.  There surprises and refreshing gifts from Heaven waiting for me!  Today offers me abundant life!

I'm Fixing my thoughts today on my Father in Heaven who created me Beautiful and Beloved.  I could never add or take away from that, as much as a flower can't enhance it's color, or make itself less fragrant..... We were solely created to bring Beauty and fragrance to the world.  I have something to give today!

I am So Loved!

I'm Fixing my thoughts today on my most treasured and precious gift.  Overwhelmed with thankfulness for this unreal man, with the most amazing Heart.

Don't you just want to eat him up...... What a cutie!

It's True today, that God has given us everything we need for a glorious and pleasing life.  Everything we need, we have today.  We lack nothing in Him.... Not one thing! 

I fix my thoughts today on the fact that anything that comes up, any situation that arises, God is here with me.  He will walk with me through every moment,  teaching me, giving me wisdom.  All day, He's revealing to me how Loved I am, and how much power and life I have through Him.

I understand that today there will be a war for my thoughts.  There will be opportunities for me to worry, fear.  Today, I may feel stressed and overwhelmed, and tempted to give into those feelings;  But, God has given me power over my thoughts. His Perfect Love for me casts out All fear. Holy Spirit, help me guard my mind, and focus on Truth.  I choose to think about my Father,  and on all those things, the things that are good.... I choose to fix my thoughts

We Belong to Him

We are His Dearly Loved Children

Every Good and Perfect Gift comes 

from our Father, who Loves to Bless us

XOXOXO

Enjoy your day

The Real Christina

Years ago (when you could still find a VHS player kicking around)  I sat down and watched some old home videos.

I was having some good chuckles, and making fun of the 80's style, when a new portion of footage came on the screen.
It felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks as I watched.  It was one of those moments you see that captures all of your attention and brands an impression on your heart.

It was a video of a little girl, no more than 4 years old, and her young brother. Their Grandpa was sitting on the floor throwing a ball to these two excited children.
I gawked at this little brunette beauty on the TV screen completely enchanted with her.
I found my eyes locked on her and mesmerized, as this very, very....Very high Spirited child was jumping, running and absolutely shrieking with joy.  Her laugh was so intoxicating, I couldn't help but laugh with her.  She motored around her Grandpa, squealing with exuberance and nearly exploding with exhilarating excitement.   Grandpa even had to ask her to calm down a little cuz she was throwing the ball too hard at him, and getting out of control!!

Had this been an actual Hollywood movie I was watching, I would have leaned over to my sister and said (like I always do in movies with children)  "I want to take that little girl home with me.  She is such a delight!"

The truth is, this wasn't some fictitious act in a glamorised flick, and it wasn't some strange little girl I was captivated by that day on the couch, shockingly enough....

That little girl was me!

I felt like one of those people who get in accidents, get amnesia and lose every memory of themselves, their life.  They lose every sense of who they are and have to relearn..
Watching this child was the craziest feeling because she looked like me, and it was my Grandpa and brother she was playing with, but that life and charisma she exuded, made her seem like someone I was seeing for the first time.
There seems to be such a tangible disconnect between that enchanting free Spirited little girl on the TV, and the baffled awestruck 30 year old (going on 40) Christina on the couch.

It would seem as though Christina isn't quite the free Spirited young girl she once was..... She is very serious these days.  So So serious!  She who tends to care, worry and fret more.  The planner,  figure-outer, make a list, must get everything done, Christina.    More than run and skip, she walks more, now, is calmer, uses her indoor voice, and laughs at more appropriately funny things...


I want to take that sweet little girl, let her run loose in my house.  I want to buy a ball and play with her and listen to her shrieks of Joy.  I want to sit back and observe her freeness.  Let her laugh echo off my walls.  I want to drink in  her innocence.

She is Beautiful.  

Absolutely Stunning to me.

I want her to teach me to play.  To be silly.  To get lost in delight again.  It's the way this child had no other outlet to the raging excitement inside other than shrieks of pure electricity, it was utterly addicting, and makes my heart ache for her simple freedom.

Could that possibly be the Real Christina.

The Real Christina

Passionate, electric, energetic,  intoxicating Joy and exuberance for life, and fun, and play.  The Real Christina, caring, protective, affectionate, loving, soft.

I have a recent regret, and I'm not sure why this keeps popping up in my head as I write this post, because it seems irrelevant to me, but......  A few weeks ago, I was in BC for a Woman's Conference.
On the Sunday, after church, a few of us girls went down to the ocean.
We were laying in the sun, over looking the water.  Kali, jumps up and says "I want to go in the ocean!" 

My very first inner reaction was "Me too!  I do too!!"
Quickly followed by, "You are in a dress.  We are going out for dinner later, and you will look gross.  Your makeup will wash off......etc"

So I said "You guys go, I'll take pictures and document it."

So, I watched as Kali, so freely walked deeper and deeper into the water and dove in fully clothed!  

In that moment, I was struck by her beauty

By her willingness to live and play

I regret not going in.  I wish I would have jumped in and laughed with her.  I wish I would have screamed in the freezing water and squealed at the thought of fish and other creatures in there.... (Sharks... OMG.. Sharks!!)

Man, being put together all the time is so over rated!!!!

I wish I would have lived the moment and not watched it

I wish I had of gone to Australia to play with my husband for 3 months.  I wish I would have explored the unseen, watched him delight in the adventure.. Heck, I wish I could have delighted in the newness and adventure also.... together! I was  terrified because it seemed so irresponsible.... I had a million excuses at the time.  Now they all seem trivial to the missed opportunity. I wish I had a do-over because we don't play enough in our lives right now. The weight and seriousness of life (on us both) is .... well.... tiresome!
 I don't let myself get so excitedly crazy-passionate that I throw the ball too hard anymore....

I want to!

I want to be the one that gets told that she must take her excitement down a notch, that she has to be a little less passionate about fun.  I don't want to be the one who passes by the ball in fear of doing something wrong.

I learned to fear.  Somewhere in life, I learned to carry the weight of the world.

That's not who I am, though

I think I want to spend some more time with this little girl, who makes my heart float with airlessness.


Father, thank You for letting me see this video.. Ha, I guess, I should thank You for letting me see what You see... Even now, as I sit on the sidelines in so many areas of my life, documenting, watching, in fear and apprehension.  Father, would you help me to recognize the moments that I can pulse with life and joy.  God, I've missed out on so much, please help me to really live.  Please help the Real Christina to stand up,  or run around, or shriek with electricity, or put her arm around a little one, even get in trouble for being out of control!  Let my heart float again!  Dad, even now, the tears well in my eyes.  You know how deep this cry in my heart is.  You know how I ache to be free from the weight and burden of life.  Dad, take me to wide open spaces.  Take me to the ocean.  Let my feet touch the sand of other places.  Let me get wet and dirty.  Let me play with Trevor, and squeal, and dance.  

Let me be the Breath-taking Beauty who comes alive in the moment, walks deeper and deeper into the water and dives in... 

fully clothed!

I'm so thankful that both the ocean and Australia aren't going anywhere, anytime soon!

XOXOXO