If Love is Weather Permitting, I Don't Have A Hope

So I am proud only of those days that we pass in undivided tenderness

-Robert Bly

My friend sent me this picture the other day

  I can't tell you why exactly,  I immediately enlarged it, printed it out, and now it sits on the desk in my office

I find myself staring at it for awkwardly long periods of time

This picture settles quietly and makes a home in my Heart 

I feel like this image has been me

In my imagination, for so long

Needing to be hugged

In what may actually be, way too many times a day

Needing the assurance that someone is bigger than me

Loves me

Now, somehow my day dreams take life and form in some tangible piece of Pintrest art

This is me

Feeling small

Needing a reminder that someone sees my Heart

and sees something good in me

When I find myself in far away places

Far away from the real Christina

Far away from God

Believing that someones sees something more in me

And the larger perspective than my tiny "drowning in the largeness of life" perception

Unconditional Love

Perfect Love

Casting out every single Fear

I can't tell you how many mornings, and nights

And countless afternoons

I have spent, crawling up into God's lap

Like a little girl

Wondering if I am actually allowed to do this......

Let alone so often...?

But I just need to rest somewhere safe

Somewhere away from me

With someone who sees me

And understands my Heart

When it looks like a tangled ball of 10 different colors of yarn

I'm just so tired of trying to fix the jumbled mess

I want to throw it across the room and cry in frustration

With myself

I can't tell you how I have ached to be embraced so purely

Welcomed like this

After I've messed up

Inexcusably

Chosen garbage purposefully

Longing for someone to still Believe in me

As I stand there, every bad motive and weakness exposed

Met with Affection

Tenderness

Every Time

Ya, that is Perfect Love

That is what I'm Believing in

Because if it doesn't exist

I don't really have a hope

If Love is weather permitting

How could I build a  Home in such an uncertain environment

I camp on Truth from Psalm 103 often

God makes everything come out right
    He puts victims back on their feet
God is sheer mercy and grace
    Not easily angered 

He’s rich in Love
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold
    Nor hold grudges forever
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve
    Nor pay us back in full for our wrongs
As high as heaven is over the earth
    So strong is his Love to those who fear him
And as far as sunrise is from sunset
    He has separated us from our sins
As parents feel for their children
    God feels for those who fear him
He knows us inside and out
    Keeps in mind that we’re made of mud

Brennon Manning puts it this way in his book "The Furious Longings of God"

"The Jesus I met in the grounds of my own self, has furiously Loved me regardless of my state- Grace or disgrace.  And why?  For His Love is never never never based on our performance, never conditioned by our moods- of elation or depression.  The furious Love of God knows no shadow of alteration or change.  It is reliable. And always tender"

I need to go to bed.  I should have been sleeping instead of being up and about in the wee hours of the morning

I'm going to go back under my covers for, hopefully, 2 hours 

I'm gonna snuggle up to Trevor and put my cold bare feet on his legs

And rest in the fact that in spite of the mamoth list of shoulds and shouldn't, pass and fails, what-if's, if only's, and I cant's, that I have constructed for myself

God Loves me

And right now, I am welcome in His arms

XOXOXO

More Than Outward Adornment

“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness

 For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people 

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry 

For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day 

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone  

People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.” 

- Sam Levenson

From the inside out, help me to Shine, Lord.. 
Filled to Overflowing with Your Love, Peace and Hope
I pray that my time here in earth would be spent seeing and doing what really matters
Where my mind is small, please expand its borders
Open my heart to Your Love



XOXOXO

Not Cuz God Needed To Hear This, But Because I Did

I can't seem to get back to sleep

The rain is just pourring down outside

I love it!

I can't help but feel Thankful tonight

I have been given so much

And how easily I lose sight 

Allow my focus to drift to lack and want

I was in a miserable mood yesterday night

Out of nowhere

For no particular reason

My poor husband, 

Happy and Light 

On our 9 year anniversary

Comes home to his wife

The torrent of negative words

Self loathing

And cool affection

I felt bad about myself

Felt like a failure

Guilt

Perfection not met that day

I snapped at Trevor

"I'm going to bed"

More guilt

As I lay on top of covers

Talking to God

Or venting

Listening to Trevor downstairs and hurting for him

But also feeling stuck in my own misery

Like, actually stuck

Thought comes to grab my journal and write about my Thankfulness

Not cuz God needed to hear this

But, because I did

As pen met paper

Slowly at first

"I'm Thankful for my amazing husband, and the 9 years You have given me with him

I'm Thankful for our beautiful home

I have a Home!

The steam room, in our basement,  that Trevor made with his own hands

He is so Talented and Creative

I'm Thankful for the sunshine today

My new coffee grinder and beans

Fresh fruit and vegetables everyday
The Gift of caring for Trevor

I'm Thankful, Father, that You teach Trevor and I 

That You speak to us, and help us in life

You never leave us alone, and on our own to figure things out

I'm Thankful that I feel so healthy and strong, as of late

I Love both of my jobs, all of the amazing women I do life with!

I'm Thankful for the beautiful day with my Mom and Grannie"

My heart started to fill

The heaviness lift

I didn't feel alone anymore

I suddenly wanted to hug Trevor and Kiss him

I wanted to pray for him

Bless him

Tell him how much I adore him

My mouth was filled with Thanks

I have so much

Even now

Tonight

In the wee hours of the morning

Rain still falling

I think of how green our grass will be tomorrow

The grass that Trevor has tenderly nurtured back from a speckled yellow

My flowers are getting a huge drink, and I'm excited to see the buds, burst Yellow and Pink

Tomorrow holds Americano Misto's with a dear friend

Business dreaming and learning

Cleaning our Home and caring for my husband

Quiteness

Home made Pizza 

Date with Trevor

Father, How great is the Love You have Lavished on us that we should be called The Children of God, and that is who we really are!  Your kids.  Your Beloved ones.  Your heirs.  Blessed and Highly favored.  Recipients of Your Love and Kindness.  Your Grace and Mercy.

Oh Father, my heart is so Thankful tonight.

Thank You for rescuing us, and giving us a Home in You.

My life is more than what I once dreamed it would be

And You still have more for us

Than we could ask or imagine

You take the Little

You take the One

The Small

The Weak

You make it all Beautiful

Thank You

XOXOXO