Love Notes

I woke up yesterday morning to a note from Trevor on the kitchen counter. A sticky from him is not out of the ordinary, but I was so surprised and touched when I read it because he had gotten very little sleep the night before (and mornings are not his happiest times on normal days), his usual lovingly made lunch was nonexistent this morning, which left him rushing to put something together himself.  In all his lateness and hurry, though,  he took the time to tell me how much he loved me and was excited to come home to me!..............  Love Note.

Went for a jog,  I was on my way home when, on the other side of the road,  I saw a pile of junk (to take for free) outside one of the mansions on my route. I was just gonna keep going by.... (like Trevor would want me to)....... I just couldn't resist getting a closer look (My dad would be proud).  There were some old chairs, and tables, and a basket....... what was in the basket you ask?......... Jewlery.  Not just a little bit either, lots and lots of costume jewlery, most still with the tags on!!
I rummaged through and picked out an huge handful............... Love Note

Also, I was visiting my mother in law on the weekend, and she gave me some of her old jewlery (which she made most of).......... Love Note

Sooo, these are my two day findings..... Price tag $0.00

Sweet!

I had to walk the rest of the way home cuz I was so loaded up with my finds.  I think I was grinning ear to ear, and must have looked so silly, but I didn't care.  It was such a love note from God.
I also stopped and picked these flowers (weeds?) in the ditch.

I love to look at fresh flowers on my table while I eat breakfast....... Love Note

That was yesterday.........

Today,

I went for a walk/jog in Campbell Valley Park, which is becoming one of my favorite places here.
It was another morning of unexpected love notes from God............

I had just parked, getting my I pod ready, shoes tied, when my friend Karlie texted me this picture...

Man, she had no idea just how much I needed to see this picture and read those truths this morning.  This weekend, I weighed myself.... for the first time since Mercy.  I wish I hadn't (of course) now, because I have gained a few pounds.... 5 to be exact.  I have been trying to not dwell on it, trying to tell myself that I'm beautiful, healthy and strong, full of life and energy, trying to not let the number I saw influence my current choices (as far as diet and activity).  Although I'm trying, I'm not gonna lie, I feel the nagging fears of this becoming a pattern, and the heaviness of feeling like a failure.  I feel the weight, knowing that the 5 pounds has a lot to do with some careless food/sugary, creamy beverage selections in the past couple of weeks..... and the lack of exercise, as I have been so tired from sleepless nights that I have hardly done anything.....

This picture was a reminder to my heart this morning, that the number on the scale.. is just a number.  Christina, its just a stupid number! Its not who you are.  In the same breath, the choices you made in the past few weeks that don't mesh with the healthy lifestyle that you desire......... Christina, it's okay.  It's does not determine your future. You have the power to learn and choose differently. You are not a failure.  You are learning what works for you and what doesn't, and you are stretching these legs of freedom......... and I think God likes that.  In fact, I think it's beautiful to Him.
............ Love Note


I was like the only one in the park for awhile and it was stunning!  I had my Ipod in, but quickly decided to take it out so I could hear... the sounds of nature ... lol... sounds cheesy... but it was way better music this morning!

Here are some pictures I took.

........... Love Notes

This little guy followed me... forever... it was really cute.  After awhile, though, I started getting sketchy.  Remember in Jurassic Park 2, when that little girl was feeding those cute innocent little dinosaur things.. and everyone was thinking "aww.. isn't that nice" then they started attacking, and eventually devoured her. I couldn't get that out of my head and had to keep looking back to make sure he wasn't  going to come charging, attach to the back of my leg, and eat me alive!

The best part was finding wild Raspberries!  They are in our fridge now.  I'm saving them to try with Trevor.

............ Love Note

So there you have it.  

I'm so very thankful for moments and treasures like this in my day!

Two of my favorite quotes:

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it"

Confucius

"There are Flowers everywhere, for those who bother to look"

Henri Matisse

XOXO

Psalm 30:11

Okay, Wow….. I had a hard day yesterday.  A raw day.  A day of healing, really.  I cried a whole lot of tears yesterday, and my heart felt so heavy. 

I survived.  I always do.

Today is a new day. I slept better last night.  I woke up this morning, sat at the table and wrote my heart out to God, (still not feeling particularly close to Him) but realizing that if I don’t let Him in, and release all that junk to Him everyday, that I just end up looking for Him in other things, wandering, and running from Him all day…… I might as well just save everyone some time….

The verses in Isaiah 49 popped up randomly in my head.  To be honest, these verses have been really painful for me in the past, and I don’t voluntarily read them much.

:14 But Christina said “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me”

:15 God says “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast, and have no compassion on the child she has borne?”

….. K. Stop. This is where I don’t stop and cry, or have a pity party…. But inside, when I read this verse, there is a twinge of something…..  Hmmm, how can I explain? … Almost like a coldness over my heart.  I usually read it quickly and distantly, as if I don’t want the weight of the question to touch me, and I don’t want to look at how my life seems to bear the answer that Isaiah was positive would be a resounding NO…. "Obviously, a mother can never forget her child, are you kidding me, that’s impossible!!"

Ouch…….. And that is why I avoid this verse!

See, I’ve always made the best of my life, a lot of it being without my mom.  The few times I allow myself to go to that place of vulnerability and pain (like yesterday) I don’t stay there long, I pick myself back up and think of all the ways that God has made things better in my life, and all that He has given me.

I like that I’m like this.  It helps me to keep going, to keep looking forward. 

After yesterday, though, I realized that my avoiding answering Isaiah's question, as it rings true in my own life, has been, me, avoiding looking at this wound that may be infected and making a lot of areas around it really sore. 

Everyone has points of pain in their lives right?  So my parents got divorced (welcome to the modern world!)  So my mom is an alcoholic and left us.  The rest of the world seems to have pain (lots far more severe than mine) and move on.  Why can I not seem to move on?

When I was at Mercy, we had a lady come and Prophesy over each of us. Such an amazing gift that maybe happens a couple of times in anyone’s life (if that).  She knew absolutely nothing about any of us, leaving me astonished at the accuracy of the words she spoke to me from God.  I remember, at the time though,  being really pissed off at my prophesy.  It seemed like all the other girls’ were filled with awesome things that they were going to do in the future and mine went something like this (Only a part of what was spoken):

 Christina, The Lord is turning your Mourning into dancing.  Your sorrow into Joy.  He's giving you the garments of praise instead of the Spirit of heaviness.  Light is shining into every dark place inside of you.  He is removing the every place of grief and sorrow that has been over your life.  The Lord says "Daughter, I want you to know that there is a process of grief when bad things happen that is divinely ordained, but the enemy comes in and brings a Spirit of grief that wants to get you stuck and keep you from moving forward.  Daughter, you've found yourself caught in a place of grief.  For somethings you understood what you were grieving over, and somethings you didn't begin to understand what you were grieving over."  The Lord says, "Daughter, you experienced loss, and you sucked it up and went on.  Then you experienced even deeper loss, and then you sucked it up and went on.  You thought... well I'll just have to get over it.  Everyone else seems to get over it.  What's wrong with me that I can't get over it?  But daughter, you underestimated the depth of the trauma and the pain that you went through." says the Spirit of the Lord.  Even as some things happened that were out of your control, you felt like it "X'd" out a lot of the things that you hoped for in your own life, as far as family and future, and all the good things that I could have in store for you, and you started suddenly backing off and feeling like none of those things could ever be for you because grief had a hold of you and grief was holding you captive."  The Spirit of the Lord says "Daughter, I want you to know that I am A God that has come to set you free of grief.  And I am a God that has come to set you free of the sorrowful places in your heart.  Yes, you need to finish the grief process, and I'm even brining it to a close, so that the Joy of the Lord can begin to bubble up inside of you."

Now, although mine had some awesome future stuff too, toward the end.... I was stuck on this grief piece.….. and I was disappointed in God because I just want to get over my past crap.  I just want to forget that my mom left!  I just want to move on! And He’s saying “Christina, you need to finish grieving.”  God, I have been grieving for what seems like my whole life….. Can I not be done already!!!!

I have realized over the past few months that in order to get over my past, I’m going to have to “go there” with God, and allow Him to open me up….. all of me (even those parts I want to pretend don’t affect me anymore).  It has been a really painful season, but also a season that has allowed me to feel and sense the love of God like I had never before experienced.  I felt like a new person when I graduated Mercy, and I was pleased to be finally leaving my past behind (Mom wounds and all) and start living!

Man, this has not been my experience.  If anything, I feel like I am being opened up more.  I am crying more, and I am actually feeling this mom void for the first time. I’m noticing moms and daughters everywhere (I always have, but it seems worse now).  It seems like every movie I watch is about moms, or hearing stories about awesome moms.  It seems to be the most random unexpected things that cause the tears to well up.  Usually at the most embarrassing and inconvenient times too! Times when I really need to hold it together!  I would like to, once in my life, cry at the perfect time.  Not in funny movies, not when everyone else is laughing and having a gay old time, not when I've only known you for like 2 seconds, and not in super public places!  Is this too much to ask?  Really!

I’m so thankful, now, for the grief part of my prophesy. God knew exactly what I would need to hold onto in this next season.

I have listened to His words over and over and over… and over again.  I need to finish grieving.  He is bringing it to a close.  Joy is coming.  Joy is coming.  Joy is coming!!  When is the Joy coming God?

I think knowing that there will be an end to this sadness, that has been like a dark cloud over my head for years, has enabled me to let God in, and to let the hurt out instead of numbing or “positive word confessing” my way out. Which is a journey everyday…. I’m not saying I’m doing a great job or anything. Although, it’s allowed me to be real with my pain instead of trying to hide or act like everything is just dandy because hiding and pretending has gotten me nowhere at all.  In fact, its kept me stuck, and turned inward, isolated and alone. 

I have always wanted to run with all this passion inside. Never walk.... run. Since a little girl, I’ve been a dreamer.  I feel like I’ve tried my darndest to run, but I was wounded and had a limp.  I still tried to run, though, hopping my way along life, never wanting to miss a second, getting my injury looked at or taking the time to heal “I’m not that weak.  I’m good, see, I can make it!” 

Joyce Meyers talks about Shepherds.  She says that if a Shepherd has a lamb that keeps getting into trouble, disobeying and wandering off from the flock.  The Shepherd will actually break the little lamb’s legs so it can’t walk.  Then, the Shepherd will carry the lamb around his neck until its legs heal.  When the lamb is healed, after spending day and night around the Shepherd neck, listening to His voice, it will stay by the Shepherd, even though it can walk and run on its own now.  The lamb never wanders off again.

So powerful, and this story has resonated in my heart.  My legs were broken.  By life, by circumstances, by my own wandering off and foolish choices.  I feel like I have spent the last year around the Shepherd’s neck, healing.  Maybe I’m still there?  Maybe, my legs are fixed and I just don’t realize it?  Either way, there is a trust that has formed with my Shepherd.  I have been lovingly broken by Him, carried on His huge strong shoulders, heard His tender voice, learned His heart more, and watched Him tend to His other sheep so graciously, even as I struggled/struggle in discomfort,  there is not one part of me that ever wants to leave His side now…. Not ever!  I am so in love with Him and I can trust Him with my heart.

This is why I feel safe to open my heart to Him.  I’m learning that every time I choose to let Him in, He brings healing, more hope, and I see Him a little more clearly.   

There is a Laura Woodly Song called “In the Light”

There is a line in it that says “And now she’s always by His side.  She stays in His arms day and night”

This is my line.  This is the song of my heart. (I actually want to get it tattooed somewhere.... maybe?)  I never want to be far away from Him.  I want to live my entire life close to Him.  He saved me!  He rescued me from myself!  What a Good Shepherd!

Here is the song, if you want to listen.

So, When I came on here to write........ this is not at all what I intended to write.... seriously....I wanted to write about something different today, something not so "down in the dumps" I was actually going to post some pictures of some new clothes I found at thrift stores that I am super excited about..... I'm really struggling being in this place.  I'm not always so deep and dark...... and I have never been deep and dark out in the open.  Its sooo scary! I actually don't even like thinking about all that I have written over these past 2 months...... makes me want to delete everything! 

So, today,  I was planning to share another side of me, a lighter side.... but I guess God had other plans.  Oh well.... there's always another day to share my Amazing new finds!!

XOXO