Has Anyone Seen My Mom?

Mom,

I really needed you today. 

 I’ve really needed you for a long time.

  I never showed you that I needed you when I was growing up… when you still lived with us.  The truth is, you never seemed like someone that I could need, someone that I could really rely on, or look to.

 I didn’t know what I was missing, in a sense. 

 It was normal for me to figure life out on my own, normal for me to fix things myself, problem solve, encourage myself. 

I’ve been having a hard week.

 A week where I feel so weak, and so lost….. seriously lost mom. 

 This is a really weird place for me to be in.

  Although I feel like I’ve never really known my purpose here on earth, to the point where I pursue ONE thing

 I have always had ambition, a hope to find my purpose.

 A longing to do something with my life that makes a difference, that pleases God. 

 Lately, I feel like I’m exploding with possible ideas that I think could be my purpose…..

 Nothing is really new with this picture, though.

  As Trevor would say, when I excitedly tell him my newest idea, “Well, lets just sit on that and wait and see where it goes” And usually, the excitement only lasts for two days and then I am onto the next new thing… Never really finding that one thing that fills my heart with purpose.

Mom, I don’t even know what I am good at, do you know that? 

 What do you think I’m good at?

  I wish you were here to tell me. 

 I wish you would have told me mom.

  I’ve been looking desperately for years, and I can’t seem to find it. 

 I feel like I’m running out of time, I’m almost 30 and I’m still searching for the same things I was when I was 13.

Mom, I see all these other girls, most are younger than me, successful, confident, beautiful, running after their dreams and passions…..

 Man, does it ever make me jealous. 

 I am about ready to give up on ever living a life like that. 

I needed you today. 

 I haven’t slept for like a week. 

 I’m not sure what’s going on with me. 

 The counselor suggested that I get more routine in my day, try eating more, and exercising more.

  Sounds easy right?  Its not.

 I feel really alone in this.

  Where were you today when my head was pounding, my eyes aching?

  Where were you when I felt so overwhelmed because I seem to be doing everything wrong… Everything, mom. 

 Things that should be really simple in life, like eating and exercising, sleeping…

 How am I even supposed to get a job, or pursue anything when I feel like my simple, simple life is swallowing me up whole?

I wanted to call you today.

  I wanted to go out for coffee.

  I wanted to pour out my heart to you. 

 I wanted you to listen, to tilt your head to the side, to look at me lovingly with your big blue beautiful caring eyes that resemble so much

The ones I look at in the mirror everyday. 

 I wanted you to reach across the table, take my small hand in both of your even smaller hands, run your thumb across my skin.

  I wanted you to see into my heart, like I’ve seen you do with so many people, and speak to the questions

  I wanted you to see me, to see someone bigger in me.

  I wanted you to look past it all, and tell me who I am. 

 Who am I mom?

I’ve tried to be so many women. 

 I’ve tried to be confident.

 I’ve tried to find myself in fashion, in beauty, in helping others.

  I’ve tried to find myself in being a good wife, no, the best wife, the most confident, talented and outgoing, the sweetest, the best dressed and most beautiful in the room.

 I usually just end up backing off as I look around time and again at hundreds of women that I could never measure up to.

So, when I can’t conjure this “woman” up, or when I am obviously at the bottom of the barrel.  When I’m so drained and tired from holding up the heavy burden of being

 I hide in busyness, I hide in plans to improve myself. 

 I hide at home, cleaning, organizing, I hide in pouring out, keeping the focus off of myself, striving to do the right thing. 

Maybe I’ll feel better if I do everything excellent and perfect.

 The race, to become this capable woman who can do it all.

 Who is untouchable. 

 And when I’m even more exhausted and worn out from my running around

 I hide in bed. I hide in.

 “Don’t talk to me, don’t ask anything of me.” 

 I hide in trying to comfort myself, my discouraged heart. 

I hide away with God.

  Lately, I can’t feel him either, Mom.

  He feels so far away.  I know he is here with me.

  I know that, but I don’t know what he is doing? I feel so out of control, and that really scares me.

I went out for coffee alone.

  I debated calling someone, but I didn’t know who to call that I could be real with.

  Helen is away (I face booked her yesterday, sharing some of my distresses)

  Loretta is preparing for her daughters wedding  (I didn’t want to bother her, she has her own daughter who needs her right now)

I debated calling Trevor’s mom (Its hard for me to let her see me weak, I don’t want her to feel awkward and feel like she has to help me)… 

Mostly I’m just scared that she will not know what to do with this needy Christina. 

 I thought about calling Mercy staff .

  I feel too scared, and they are so busy. 

 There are other girls who need their attention more than me right now.

  A woman from church gave me her number yesterday.

  She said to call her if I ever wanted to go for a walk, she lives in my area.

   I thought about calling her, but I can’t just dump on her when we don’t even know each other.  (Talk about a horrible first impression!)  

I'm sure that any one of these women, who possess the heart of God,  would have welcomed my tears, offered words of comfort and a listening ear.

I really just wanted my own mom. 

 I wanted you.

  Where were you?

  Isn’t that what a mom does?

  She comes and helps, and listens when her daughter needs her.

 She gives advice and encourages.

  She reminds her daughter who she is when she forgets.

 I’ve forgotten mom. 

Or did I ever really know? 

 I really can’t see. 

 I need your eyes. 

I wish you could hug me

 Not the brief kind you get from everyone at church on Sunday.

  I wish you would wrap your arms around me…. all the way around me.

 I could lay my head on your chest, comfortable and safe while you stroke my hair

 Which is so much longer than when I saw you last.

  I wish you would pray with me, and read the bible with me, speak those beautiful words of Truth right to my heart and over my upside down life. 

I’m really lonely mom.

I don’t want to be ungrateful, God has surrounded me with some amazing women of God and I feel very blessed to sit at their feet and learn. 

It’s hard to let any of them really know me, see me. 

 It’s hard to trust that any of them want to.

  That was what you were supposed to do.

  All of these women have their own daughters, mom. 

 I don’t fit in, I don’t belong anywhere but with you, and your not here. 

 So I’m alone.

I guess I wasn’t completely alone at Tim Horton’s. 

 I think God knew that I needed a momma today.

  Before I left the house I had a thought to bring this book that I got at Mercy with words of encouragement for the Mercy girls from various sources.

In the back, were letters from some of the women who I have listened, watched and learned from in the past year.

 I read the words as if it were you speaking to my heart, as if you had been across from me and I had just cried on your shoulder and asked you to carry this heavy burden with me.

Big tears fell as I read your words written by Lisa Bevere.  

They went something like this:

Christina, You are safe.

  You are Loved.

  You are believed in.

  You are watched out for and you are necessary. 

 I am cheering you on. 

I realize that you may think that you have failed.

  Well, that is just not true my dear.

  You have not failed.

 You are so loved.

God says, I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to me.

God has captured your attention for a season.

  What a gift.  What an opportunity.

  Allow Him to love you in this season and place.

  Let the Love of Christ the anointed one invade your being. 

 Christina, don’t only open the areas of your life where or when you think you deserve this Love, 

but open every area at all times.  

He has……..

Rescued you from the trampling boot, His Love never quits.

  He takes care of you in time of need.

  His Love never quits.  Thank God, who did it all!

 His Love never quits! 

Psalm 136

Your provision is already in place.

  Honey, you have been invited into a season and environment where God seeds within you will have an opportunity to flourish.

Christina, seeds don’t worry what they will be or if they will succeed;

 they understand that if the conditions are right the life and beauty within will come forth.

You are neither grounded or in an extended “time out.”

  This is your time apart, your season to flourish. 

 This is not your time to try once again to be “good”

 this is your time to be God’s.

Christina, you might not fully realize it,

 but there is something very special, very unique about you.

  There is also something within that is frightening. 

 Fear you have known, but I am not speaking of your fear.

  There is something within you that is terrifying to the enemy of your soul.

  Why else has he worked so hard to distract and distort.

Love…… Trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back

 but keeps going to the end.  

1Corinthians 13

What is behind you, Christina, doesn’t matter because your past is not your future! 

 Your future is yet to be revealed, a story written with Hope and Promise.

I know what I am doing. 

 I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

 Jeremiah 29

Honey, you don’t have to figure it all out. 

 God already has it well underway.

  Rest in this, press into Him, Lovely Daughter,

 Let Jesus love you into wholeness.

Love, Mom (Through Lisa Bevere)

I’m sorry that you couldn’t have physically been with me today, mom.

 God has me though. 

 I even believe that you wanted to be with me, maybe even more than I wanted you there. 

 I believe that you are coming back. 

 Once I didn’t care, but I can’t completely lose hope for you.  

For us. 

 Until then, I will keep running to my father God. 

 Thus far, He has been faithful to bring me what and who I need, right in my most desperate moments.

I know He will keep providing. 

 I really Love Him, mom. 

 He’s been so good to me, and He’s changing me. 

 I know He has my heart and I believe that He’s gonna make me into this woman that I long to be, but can’t quite make myself into.

It was good to talk to you.  

It was so good to spend this time with you.

 I’ve missed you.

Love, 

Chrissy

xoxoxo

Get Out of My Life!

She is Clothed with Strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Proverbs 31:25

A life verse for me I think........  

 I want words like  panick, stress, insecurity, dread, scared, and worry to be words that neither I, nor anyone else would associate with me.  Questions like "What would I do if?" "Can you imagine what would happen if?"  to be out of my vocabulary and thought process.

I want fear out of my life.  I want it out from the foundations of my motives.  I want fear out of my marriage, out of my relationships, out of my decisions.

I've been listening a lot to Beth Moore Lately, Because I know that she has overcome a lot of Fear in her own life.  I feel like I can really relate with her, and I am learning so much.

She will have no fear of bad news

She confidently Trusts in the Lord to care for her

Her heart is secure

She is confident and fearless

In the end, she will look in triumph on her foes

Psalm 112:7&8 (NIV &NLT)

Its that fear of the bad news that gets me.  and its not just the tragedy bad news that I fear.  Its the big and the small bad news.  Its the ten years down the road and the 5 minutes away bad news.  

I am realizing that fear is at the root of every negative thing in my life, and at the foundation of the way I live a lot of my life.  

What am I so afraid of?

1. Being hurt.  I am terrified of it.  I avoid it t all costs.  If I feel the slightest amount of hurt I want to make it go away.  I fear that I would not survive another heart break.

2. Being rejected.  I fear that if the real me were seen, my whole heart, my true thoughts and feelings that I would be detestable, unlovable, unwanted.

3.  I fear failing.  I fear stepping out and being shamed in front of everyone.  Ridiculed, mocked.

4.  I fear being alone.  Being abandoned by those who I would open my heart and my life up to.

5.  I fear not being in control.  Can I trust anyone else to take care of me?  Can I really rely on someone else?  

6.  I fear losing those I love or watching them go through hard times and pain and being helpless.

7.  I fear being forgotten.  I fear being so insignificant that I go unnoticed, unvalued, unseen, overlooked.  I fear being unimportant to anyone

8. I fear going back to my old life.  I fear that the choices I make would be far to powerful for God to fix or save me from.  I fear that He would give up on me.

 Mostly,  I fear that I am not strong enough in and of myself.   I fear any bad news the future may bring suddenly would be too much for me to handle, and I fear that I would callaps underneath the weight of it.... and I fear that God would forsake me...... and I would be utterly alone and defeated.

And these fears literally rule my life.  The What-if's? dominate my thoughts and control my decisions. 

Beth says that Fear does 2 things.  One, it makes me settle for things in the present that completely destroy abundant life.  This is so true for me.  How many times have I held back from something I am passionate about for fear of failing and being humiliated?  How many times have I withheld my excitement and love back from Trevor for fear of my heart being rejected? I've held in thoughts and feelings.  I've done things in moments of insecurity that make me shudder now.  I've given up, given in.  isolated myself, given my heart away.  I've settled for things that are less than God's best for me, God's gifts for me,  because I feared that there was nothing better for me, and all the choices I have made out of fear bear consequences to some degree.

The second thing that fear does is insult the Grace of God that will be piled up for me in heaps when hardship does come my way.  How many times have I lay awake at night with my mind rolling with worry and torment over the what if's, and strategizing what I can do to assure these things do not become a reality.  It is easy for me to picture myself in the pain and anguish, the destruction of the bad news, but I never seem to picture God with me, giving me strength, comforting me, helping me back up on my feet and making me stronger than ever.

A heart that is steadfast and Trusts in God goes past the question "What will I do if.....?" and allows God's words to be the Louder Voice. 

 God says,  No, Christina, What will I do if........?

I will Protect you and stretch out my hand against your enemies.  I will not abandon you or leave you alone.  I will complete my purpose in your life. (Psalm 138:7,8)

I will will work all things, every detail of your life into something good ( Romans 8:28 MSG)

I'll give you strength.  I'll help you.  I'll hold you steady and keep a firm grip on you. (Isaiah 41:10 MSG)

The battle is not yours but mine.  You will not even need to fight.  You will see my Victory.  I am with you. (2 Cor 20:15, 17 NLT)

I give you my weapons with divine power (2 Corinthians 10:4 NLT)

I will delight to show you Mercy and unfailing Love (Micah 7:18 NIV, NLT)

I will meet all your needs, according to My riches. (Philippians 4:19 NLT)

My Grace, favor and Loving kindness is all you need.  It is sufficient against danger and enables you to bear the trouble (2 Corinthins 12:9 AMP)

My Strength and Power are most effective when you are weak. (2Corinthians 12:9 AMP)

I will prepare a feast for you in the presence of your enemies.   I revive your drooping head and overflow your cup with blessing (Psalm 23:5 NLT, MSG)

I will do infinitely more than you could ever even ask or imagine through my mighty power that is at work within you. (Ephesians 3:20)

God:

What are you afraid of, Love?  Why are you so afraid to run with those things that I have placed in your heart?  They are yours.  They are a gift from me.  You are allowed to run.  Permission granted to be excited, to explore, to step out, to create.  Its in you, and its Me.  

You cannot fail, for I am so much bigger in you, than he that is in the world!

Me:

God, I'm so scared, and I don't even know where to go from here.  I feel like I'm bursting at the seems with a million different ideas..... I don't even know where to start.  I feel smothered in passion and overwhelmed by dreams and they all seem to be going in different directions..AHHHHH.... How do I step out if I have no idea what to step out into?  I have no training of any sort.  It seems like everything I am passionate about, there is someone out there who is skilled and trained and could do it a hundred times better than me!  I'll look like a fool.  Where do I get training I have more than one thing that I need to be trained in??  I need help.  

God:

Love, you are so worried about a lot of things, but only one thing is important.  Just wait, let Me connect the dots.  Allow Me to keep opening your heart and leading you.  Stop trying to figure everything out in your head.  Its not a natural thing, its a supernatural thing.  Just like I'm a God of Miracles who came into your life with a miraculous salvation.  I rescued you, from yourself.  Just like I did that.  I am a God of Miracles who is going to do for you what you have not been able to make happen yourself.  Can you trust me?  Can you move when I say move?  Step out when I tell you? You are not alone, I am speaking, I am growing you, I am connecting you.  I am teaching you.  I am for you!  I am for you!  I delight to give you the desires that I have placed in your heart.  They are for my purposes, and it is my commitment to see them come to pass in your life.  

I direct your paths.  I watch over your steps, they are ordered of me.

Me:

Abba, I need you right now.  I'm so tired. Help me to let You in.....

Band-Maids

So Beth Moore says that all excess is rooted in emptiness.  That feeling of always needing more and nothing ever being enough.  Whether that be food, thinness, exercise, working, shopping. Its the strive to perfection......

After writing last week about Trevor's affirmations and love never being enough to satisfy me.  I have been noticing the other things that I tend to run to in moments of "emptiness."  I believe that God really has His finger on this area of my life right now.

For years now, God and I have had this thing with double digits.  Actually, a dear woman in my church years ago told me that every time she saw a double digit on the clock, it was God telling her that everything was going to be okay.  It stuck with me.  And I adopted it as my own instantly.  For awhile, when I would notice a double digit, it felt like God reminding me that He loved me.  Then I went through a season when double digits were God saying that I am beautiful to Him.  No matter what they have meant in the various seasons of my life, seeing a double digit has been a moment for me to pause and focus on God.  Even if just for a second... like, a heart connection.   Never did I realize the role they would play in my life in this present season, walking out this new transformation.

It took me by surprise, the first couple of days that I was home.  I would notice the double digits on the clock at a glance, and it seemed to be at the very moments that I was about to make a decision with food that I may later regret.  Sometimes, it was as I was going to make a cup of coffee when I knew that I was really hungry and an apple would be the best choice.  Or when I woke in the middle of the night and went straight for the peanut butter, which I wouldn't think about in the moment, but the next morning it would hit me, just how many calories I had consumed the night before, and I would structure my meals accordingly that day to compensate.  Or I would see those beautiful double numbers when I was reaching for the diet pop instead of the water, or a handful of chocolate chips while Trevor was in the shower.

Now all these things for a lot of people are not huge deals.  So what.. its just coffee... everyone has coffee, and peanut butter... (well I'll admit,  it is a little weird the way I like it..... and at night??).  Lots of women drink a diet pop right??   Maybe most go for the gourmet kind over Hershey's but who doesn't LOVE chocolate?? .... this is percicely my dilema... this didn't make sense to me.  Why was Holy Spirit nagging me. I have been wrestling with this like nobodies business. Why can't I have a freaking cup of coffee God??!!

I've tried to ignore Him. Oh how I've tried!  I've purposefully not looked at the clock so that was able to "somewhat" enjoy my coffee and pretend like I was oblivious to Holy Spirit's promptings.  Or I would time my coffee pot so that from start to finish (4 minutes) it will not land on a double digit.  I'll go to buy a diet pop and look at my phone.  If its not a double digit, I'll think "Yes!! I'm "allowed" to get it" even though the fact that I looked at my phone says that I don't have a peace about the whole thing.

Sigh...... You know, I still have not completely figured out what God is doing here with me.  I do know, however, that He is good, and that anything He does not want me to do is for my own good.  I do not know the why behind His what (and that is so very annoying to me!)

I was listening to Beth Moore (she has become one of my closest companions on this journey :)  She was saying that because I am saved and going to heaven, that the enemy cannot steal my salvation, so his agenda for me, is not to trip me up, or have me dabble in sin.  Actually his trap for me is to lead me into a full blown addiction, and web of sin, leaving me utterly ineffective in the kingdom.  Completely self consumed, wrapped in the guilt and shame cycle......... and frozen in fear.

That was so eye opening for me.  Didn't God just rescue me from that... A full blown addiction, complete bondage to food and weight, a web of self sabatogeing sin!  
No wonder Holy Spirit is trying to get my attention.  He knows the enemies plan for me, and He does not want me to talk right back into that trap.  He wants me to stay on this path to freedom.

So what do I do with this??  I find this tricky because.  One, I am not the same Christina anymore.  And two,  I am not going to live in fear that I will go back to my old way of life.  So then, when I make a choice (healthy or unhealthy) to do something, it does not mean that I am a victim to that choice or that decision is a rule in my life, as may have been the pattern at one time in my journey.

Are there times when a cup of coffee is appropriate?? I think so, but I don't want it to become something I need and can't do without.  I only started drinking it, for the first time in my life at Mercy, because everyone else was doing it (how adolescently silly!) and now I like it..... (sigh.)   Can I enjoy chocolate and peanut butter?  Maybe not in private or if I feel the need to hide and secretly eat it. But I could enjoy them out in the open with Trevor  maybe in an ice cream sundae (it tastes better with someone, in my opinion, anyway. ) And, I don't even want diet pop!!!   I just want something sweet without the caloric consequences.  I don't want all that chemical junk in my system.  This is definitely new Christina speaking right here.  I love how water makes me feel.  No Chemicals!!! ( Karlie would be so proud!)

So I guess this is my journey right now.  Obedience... even when I don't understand the why.
What am I really hungry for when reaching for the chocolate?? Is it an emptiness that would still be there long after the bag was not?

If anything, Holy Spirit, using double digits, is teaching me to stop (in the moment, before I just indulge) and realize that there is something deeper going on inside.

Today, I had a conversation with someone that poked at a wound in my heart.  You know, the wounds that we like to pretend are not wounds.  Like whatever happened didn't really phase us.   A "Ya, I'm totally over that" kind of wound.
After our conversation, I felt a little off.  I turned up my worship music in the car, tried to sing but wasn't really feeling it.  Didn't really feel like talking to God.  Just felt Blah.  During my ride home I saw 2 double digits on the clock, so I had this sense that God was trying to get my attention but I was not sure why?  I didn't have the urge to do something unhealthy or destructive.  I came home, had a bath (thinking that might make me feel a little better.)  After seeing 2 more double digits, I finally sat down with my journal and started "Okay God, What are you trying to tell me??!!"  Getting this sense that He wanted me to talk to him about the feelings involving my previous conversation with the wound poker.  I surface talked with God for a couple paragraphs... then all this emotion came up, anger, hurt, resentment that I didn't even realize was in there!  It was crazy.  I was crying.... sobbing over this area that I had minimized in my heart.  It turns out that I was harboring a lot of hurt and unforgiveness.  I've never experienced something quite like that with God before.

He knew all that was in there.  He knew that it would probably have been only a matter of time before I was looking to soothe the wound somehow, or cover the hurt.

Excess is always rooted in emptiness.  How many wounds do I have that I never let God touch.  Open, clean out, heal, and fill.  I just keep putting on these cheap dollar store Band-Aids (or if its Dollarama, they are in a box that looks identical to the brand name ones, so you buy them at a glance, bring them home, wonder why they don't stick, only to re-look at the box and see that their called Band-Maids brand..... OMG... so annoying!)...... and I never learn!.... anyway..... I really learned, today, that God understands and cares what is going on in the depths of my heart even when I don't have a clue past blah!  And that He wants to heal the wound.  My Band-Maids of external comfort are not going to fix anything..... sadly, they only make me feel ripped off when I spent my money on something that doesn't stick.


Its funny because learning all of this about myself doesn't make it any easier to run to God when I'm hurting.......... you think it would.  Maybe I'm just so used to dealing with certain issues myself. Covering, minimizing, sucking them up and living with them.   Maybe it will take time to trust God to heal them......... to believe that my heart can be fully healed and whole and light.

Psalm 33:16-22
No king is saved by the size of his army
No warrior escapes by his great strength
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength, it cannot save.
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him,
on whose hope is in His unfailing Love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

God, I'm so thankful that You are committed to me, and I'm so thankful that You Love me enough to change me and not let me stay the same.

Lord, You are my (unyielding) Strength.  You are a safe fortress (a stronghold of salvation) for Your anointed one.  Save me.  Bless me, Your (treasured) possession.  You lead me like a (Good) Shepherd. You carry me in Your arms forever.

Psalm 28:8&9 (NLT)

Insatiable Thirsts......

Im in this really weird spot right now, and I can't totally make sense of it.  I wonder in my head, as I write this, if all women deal with the same insecurities as the ones I am facing, or if there is something different about me... really distressingly and annoyingly different about me?

I have noticed this insatiable need for affirmation... especially from Trevor, and especially if I am feeling critical about myself.  Any affirmation he gives me never seems to be enough, though.  One day I long for him to affirm me verbally, tell me I'm beautiful (not just when I ask, but out of the blue), the next I'm wishing for a hug (not a pat on the back in passing, but an "all I can think about doing right now is cuddling with my wife" hug), or a long talk, or maybe I just need to talk, and for him to listen, or other days I'm overwhelmed and I just want help around the house, and then, when it seems like I finally know what it is I want (or need?) and when Trev's thoroughly confused and exasperated  trying in all "these" areas to show me love.... all of a sudden I'm wishing he had left me a note in the morning or hope he will do something romantic so I will feel remembered or thought of.  In other words.... I feel this need to be at the center of his thoughts and attention Constantly!  Its almost like this fear, that If I don't remind him, he will forget about me.  Its not even like I try to be like this.... unsatisfied, needy.  I actually try very very hard to not be like this, and no matter how hard I try to notice the things he is doing and just be appeased and thankful,  cry out to God to help me see the Truth, even try to hide this seemingly life sucking nature I see surfacing,  it always seems to bubble up, and come out in tears of self pity, cold manipulative silences, or words later regretted that have opened doors for this man I adore, to feel like a failure and and that he's not quite adequate to meet my needs.  

Its never enough.  I have come to this conclusion after 8 years of marriage.  What ever it is that I am looking for that day;  if Trevor is successful at meeting that need or not, it doesn't matter because I will be satisfied or unsatisfied for a moment, an then I will feel empty again... searching for more love and attention to fill me.  Its like there is this small hole inside of me.  The hole is not big enough to draw attention  to itself (to anyone other than those who know me.... so thats pretty much only Trevor.)  Most would probably not see it there.  Or have any reason to speculate that there is an abnormal hitch inside.  It is, however, sizable enough to leak out most love and goodness showered upon my life on a daily basis by God, Trevor and others.  

This is my frustration.  I know that God is the source of all love, and the meeter of all my needs.
I attempt to run to Him, I tell Him what I need.  I read His words of affirmation over my life, His Truth
........... It just feels like it doesn't  penetrate my heart.


Is the truth that I am secure already?  Is it just my feelings telling me that I'm empty and in need?  God's word says that He has filled everything (thats me) in every way. That I lack nothing, He's given me everything I need.  I am fully Loved, completely accepted, and totally pleasing to Him.  
How do I walk in this??  How do I believe its True!

God,
I need Your help.  I know that You do not benefit from my insecurity.  I do not benefit from my insecurity, and Trevor definitely does not benefit from my insecurity, not to mention my daughters that are to come.  You Must make me secure, God!
Where is the disconnect?  What is blocking my heart from receiving your love?  Please remove it.

God, it almost feels like I can't run to you with the things I long to hear... Honestly,  deep deep down, below what I think I believe, or would tell myself I believe,  I actually believe that You are not willing to speak Love to those broken places inside.... those places where I very much feel like a little girl still, wanting my dad to tell me I'm beautiful, and that he's proud of me, or that I'm a good person, or gifted at something, or hug me,  or want to spend time with me.

God, I do not have Faith that I am  unconditionally accepted by You.  That You would willingly want to offer Love and displays of affection without me having to earn, hint, ask, or manipulate for them.  I do not Trust that Christina (just me) would take Your breath away, and captivate You without doing something that I perceive as being captivating or note worthy to You.

There is a part of my heart that is closed to you, closed to everyone for that matter.  A place that feels cold and withered and empty.

Lord, I can trust You for a lot of things.  You will take care of me.  You will provide.  You will help me, and answer my prayers, teach me, bless me, but the absolute fear that is attached to taking this soft, vulnerable, yearning part of me to You is paralyzing.  


There have been times in my life where that piece of my heart has been brought to others, in a desperate attempt to be heard or validated.   The few times, my safe guarded treasure was met with harshness, indifference, coldness... I really hurt me, God.  I don't even know if hurt encompasses the feeling.  It killed me inside.

I bet there was once upon a time that this secret chamber of my soul was filled with happy things, hopeful things, color, light.  It may still even be in there,  just smothered by volumes of pain and sorrow from years of feeling unseen and  being unexpressed.

I sense that You are putting Your finger on this area of my life, God.  I believe that there are things in my heart that need to come out, and I feel a loneliness from being locked, only living on the surface, that is becoming unbearable.

You are calling to the deep parts of me.  I can taste it.  I desire to run to You.  I desire to come to You.  I long to Believe You!  I want to drink in Your words and let them trickle down into every crack and dry place in my heart.  I want Your definition, Your Truth to become who I am.  To cease the search in desolate places.

God, I need Your help, so that I can see You for who You really are.  Help me to fully trust You.
God, speak to my heart, all the things I long to hear.  Take away this fear of being hurt by You.

 Romans 10:17 - Faith (believing what God says is True) comes by hearing and hearing by God's word.

I've heard this verse so many times.  I will keep speaking Your word.  I will keep reading and listening.  Teach me in this, Father.  Impart to me what a Perfect Father looks like, and what it means to be perfectly Loved by You.  


I want to be Free to be Your daughter!  ..... whatever that looks like

Make me a Believer of You.  Give me more of a hunger for Your word.  Open my eyes.
Give me Your strength to keep going.  And the courage to not give in to the feelings, but to hold to Truth.

Hebrews 4:12 - For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart


Romans 12:2 (NLT) Christina,  Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.


You are enlightening me.... I'm not the same person that I was.... I'm just not where I'd like to be.  I want to be okay with that.  I'll probably never be where I think I should be.  Thank you, Father, You don't give up, You love me enough to keep healing my heart.

A Pause

So, I am learning that Rest is not at all an absence of business, tiredness, or responsibilities.  I feel like I'm learning so much from listening to different teachings, scripture that I have not yet made my own.  So how does all this work for Christina?  Looking at the areas of my life that are a total waste of my time and energy and also the motives behind why I am doing these things?

In church, we learned about priorities.  An example was used of rocks in a vase.  There are big, medium and small rocks.  Big are the things in life that I value most, medium are tasks (things that are still important and have to be done) and small are things that I would like to do, but they don't hold the highest priority on my time.  The vase is my life, and I have been challenged as to how I will fit all these rocks into my vase.  I feel like its so easy to fill my vase with small rocks leaving no room for the rocks that  give my life purpose and meaning.

So, after much thought......

Christina's Big Rocks: 

1) God - Now when I look at this rock, I can honestly say that living my life with God is of utmost importance to me.  And I'm not having a problem fitting this big rock into my days.  In fact, I am realizing that the God rock in my life may even be a bit out of balance.  I take things very literally, usually.  So when I read or hear a message saying to spend time with God, read the word, worship, pray, be quiet in His presence, I do it.  Guilty enough, I don't always evaluate and question the teaching before implementing it in my daily life.  So I spend ALOT of time "with God" in a day, but it ends up with a lack of my attention in other areas.  There are days when I have the time to sit and soak, read and pray, but there are other days when life is busy, but I think I "need" to keep up these spiritual disciplines - so I end up being really tired and stressed out trying to juggle "everything" and my time with God is no longer a joy to me.. but something that feels heavy.
2) Trevor - I am in Love with the boy, I really am.  And although he has my thoughts, affections, my heart, he doesn't always get the best of me.  It seems like after all my daily tasks (God stuff included) I don't have much in the way of "full of life" Christina to offer him.   I have thought that Trevor was the one "missing it."  He doesn't spend hours reading his bible.  He would rather listen to the Foo Fighters than "anointed music", and his prayers are like 2 sentences flat.  Last Sunday at church, the Pastor did a demonstration showing how all the separate baking ingredients are nothing alone, but together they make a cake.  When I asked Trevor (like I always do) what he learned at church, the only thing he even remembered (from the entire service) was that she was holding a chocolate cake (as a prop) and he really really wanted a piece.  Needless to say, he does not take things (including God) as serious as I do.  I don't really blame him either.  He sees the time and effort, business and stress I put into juggling  "everything" and then afterward, I'm not even happy and rested, I'm grouchy, tired, and I have no patience for Trevor's jokes or foolishness...(oh my gosh.... listen to these thoughts...... who's the fool??)
At least Trevor is happy.  He laughs, jokes, hangs out with friends.  He loves to have fun. He loves God, loves me, loves people. And he sleeps!
I'm not saying that all Trevor's rocks are all perfectly in place and that I need to be like him,  but I do know that he enjoys life a heck of alot more than me.
3) Relationships - My last big rock.  And this one is the one that's often seen sitting on the table next to the overflowing vase.  I have a few really close friends, who I can be real with, enjoy, lean on.  For the most part, though, relationships seem way more draining than filling to me.  I want them.  I desire them.       I love people, encouraging women, helping others, laughing and doing crazy things.  I want all sorts of relationships, couple friends, older women to learn from, younger girls to help, peers to share life with, elders to listen to, family, children (someday). I want to do life with others.

My mind is swimming with questions... See, I'm not sure how everything fits into my life.  I do know that these three rocks, I cannot do without.  They bring fullness to my life.  Color.
I also know that God says to walk with Him and Work (not just spend the day being spiritual) with Him.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and I find Rest in Him.  I wonder if I have even begun to really enjoy God.
My schedule is pretty open and free right now, so that allows me the freedom to learn and experiment with different routines.  I know that my life will not always look this spacious, and my time as liberal, so I really want to learn what He means about this restful/working posture with Him.

If things in my life are tiresome and ill fitting, chances are that I am not walking in God's light and easy yoke, and I may even be spending my energy, time, and fighting my battles in the wrong place.  In God's unforced rythms of Grace (His ability to do what He has asked of me), there should be a lightness, a freedom, and Joy.

I'm thinking about the possibility that instead of spending my days, my time and energy focused solely on "God time" that I can insert pauses into my days.  Moments where I desire a connection with Him, where I stop and draw from Him.  Moments where I inquire of Him, listen for His voice, and become aware of who He's placed in my path.  Maybe my relationship with God is not about quantity, but quality, and essence.

There is this feeling that there are others who need my moments.  And need me to be present and flowing, and even require the life on the inside of me.
The desire is growing in me, for a purposeful life.  My eyes fixed on eternity.  A life full (which may mean really busy) of adventure.  I want to be Fully Alive!

A little park not far from our condo!                 

        Its super peaceful....There should be water in the pond it overlooks... but its empty...oh well :)

So, that being said, I found a place (by my house) where I have been taking moments... pauses with God.  I met a girl there today.  Her name is Tikva.  She was walking her dogs, and she was carrying a bible.  I introduced myself, we chatted for a little while, but I can't seem to get her out of my mind.  I wonder if she is hooked up with a young adults group?  I wonder if she would ever want to come to women's group with me?  Or even go out for coffee?  I wonder why God had her cross my path today or if I will ever see her again?

Someone said "Never be too busy in life to insert a pause.  A moment with God can be a miracle moment in my heart.  And a pause for someone else can be a miracle in their lives."