Heart....... I'm On The Search

What Do I Want?

I thought about this question all day yesterday

Yet could not write

Or seem to search deep enough to hear my Heart speak truthfully

I feel the pressure with this one

Pressure to have some sort of sacrificial answer 

For what I Want

Answers like,  "I Want the world saved"

Or, "I Want everyone to have enough food to eat"

And

Although these things have a place in my Heart and thoughts

They are not the Wants that drive me everyday

My Heart finally did get a chance to be heard

Late last night

And I can't honestly say that I want to shout my answer from the rooftops

See

Last night was date night

Trev and I have had a really busy week

Like hi and bye and quick I love yous as we pass each other at the door, Kind of week

Needless to say I was Really looking forward to date night

And probably for alot of selfish reasons

I was lonely, my Love tank was empty

I wanted to hold the attention of my husbands mind for one night

Hear that I'm Beautiful

Have this Amazing connecting time..........

I felt the need to have our one night alone together 

To be Perfect and filling

What?

Expectations too high??

Ya, Trev felt the pressure I think

Our "Perfect Night" started and ended with me in tears

Because of my own perfectionism and fears

Anything Trev did or could have planned would not be enough

 Trevor, is once again left

Wondering what the heck was happening?

I decided to go on a walk to take a break from my emotions

As I was strolling by the lake

Trying real hard to breath deeply and calm the heck down!

Talk some sense into my irrational mind

I heard the question come up in my Heart again

What Do I Want?

Deep Deep Deep Down

What do you want Christina?

What drives you?

What Motivates you?

What fills you?

And all of a sudden

Reflecting on the nights "disappointing" events

My Hearts whisper began to become loud and clear to me

I Want Love

I Want to be the Object of Someones Delight

I Want to be a priority

I Want to be Beautiful

And Captivating

God, this is true isn't it

These are longings of my Heart that drive me

They are the purpose for so much that I do

They are the source of my greatest insecurity

These Wants

Have driven me to Your arms

Have caused me to run into the arms of another when Your voice seems silent

These Wants

Have prompted me to strive to please... Everyone!

Anyone who would find me worthy of Love and Delight 

In the inner-most part of Christina 

I have learned from a series of life experiences that I am 

Not

So Lovable

I am no one worthy of noticing

Just me, with no effort or striving is not so Beautiful

Not any ones priority and easily forgotten

Deep Deep insecurity

Sought to be hidden by

A spotless house........ when people come over

(Don't ever just show up at my door unexpected... I would freak!)

Hiding the mess and chaos of my life, stuffed into drawers and spare rooms

Hours in front of the mirror, both tearful and prideful 

Endless efforts to sculpt an acceptable body

A closet full of the latest fashions

Promising to get me "noticed"

Striving to be a great friend

"Being There" for anyone who needs me 

Schedules filled trying make everyone Like and Love me

making sure as to not disappoint even one

A perfect wife

Christian

Leader

Example as a woman

My past has scripted 

That when I fall short of my standard of perfection in one of these areas

Threatening someone seeing the real, imperfect, unlovable me

The impending doom of rejection

I have been so harsh with myself

Harbouring so much unforgiveness for not measuring up

I have starved myself

Abused my body and soul through binging and purging

I have spent many sleepless nights and many restless days

Reading, studying, learning

Trying and Trying to improve, fix and cover

This Mistake that I feel so strongly that I am 

All this

Because I Want to be Loved

All this 

Because I don't Believe I ever could be Just for who I am

See

I wanted my answer to this question 

What Do I Want?

To be a bit more admirable

Something that would scream 

Good Person 

or 

Inspiration

Instead, my answer is somewhat selfish 

And exposes a deep broken part of me 

Which has been a mislead motive for so much of my life choices

Oh, do I ever want these questions to be answered

Solidified by God's truth 

I Want so badly to Rest in the unshakablness of His answers

To my greatest needs 

I would like Nothing more than to be so secure in His Delight for me

That my eyes merely glance at myself, and are fixated on a world of adventure 

I know God is leading me on this path to Wholeness

Rooted and Grounded in His Love

It does take me allowing Him to expose these lies I believe on such a foundational level

And welcoming His Truth to come and Heal my Heart

When my basic Wants for Love are settled in Truth

My Wants seem to change

I Want community 

Family

To gather with an army of Women and oppose the darkness

I Want to laugh

To Create

To Love other young girls and speak into their Hearts

Tell them they are Beautiful 

And Worthy of So much Love

I Want to Give

To encourage

To Bless

I Want to see the world with Trevor

Have Fun with him on crazy adventures

I Want to experience God

Walk out his Heartbeat

Stay in His arms day and night

I Want to hear His voice

Live in His presence

Do life with His people

I Want to see his word come to life all around me

I Want to share absolutely every ounce of life I experience

 With 

Absolutely everyone

I Want our Hearts and our home to be filled with children 

Who ache for God's Love expressed through a Daddy and Mama

Ha ha

I have alot of Wants

I have alot of areas of growth still 

I have some cracks in my foundation

Some fears

Questions

Dreams

Tender parts of my Heart

I also have a Really Big Dad

Who began a good work in me

And will carry it out to completion

His Love is the only solidness I stand on